Morgan Freeman Is Working Too Damn Hard

We'll get to that. First, a quick thought...our prayers here at Thinking Hard go out to the victims of the Oklahoma tornado and the families of those killed. Tornado Alley is no joke. I don't recommend living or vacationing there. Ever. Kansas had to deal with tornadoes a day earlier, and even the NEWS PEOPLE didn't want to fuck around with it: But at least it wasn't SNOWING IN MY BEDROOM...wait, sorry, had a "Weird Science" moment there. What I meant was at least it wasn't RAINING IN THE STUDIO... That, ladies and gentlemen, is CALLED a "broken sprinkler system" but is written in the station budget as "new studio paid for by insurance because of 'accident' in old studio."

Also, Intern Kelsay says she tore the house down with her open mic stand-up comedy this week. She also says she swindled several people out of money playing pool. Do. Not. Play. Pool. Against. Her.

Hey, a quick note...a news anchor in St. Louis is out of a job because he claimed openly that the IRS was targeting him. He said it was because of hard questions he asked Mr. Obama in an interview months earlier. However, he later said that his IRS problems pre-dated that interview by YEARS. So yeah, the bosses took him off-air for a couple days...then they fired him. Now he's looking at suing. Isn't TV news wild and crazy? One day, a tornado rips through a town. The next, Morgan Freeman, as he puts in, "beta tests for Google Eyelids"... Morgan Freeman is working too damn hard. His next movie narration will probably be *SNORRRRRRRE*. But, to be fair, Michael Caine does have a soothing voice that could put a stampeding elephant to sleep...maybe.

And now, perhaps one of the top three greatest moments of cable TV this week...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Only Unfair Thing Ever
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Indecision Political Humor The Daily Show on Facebook

New thing I learned this week...Anna Kendrick is a solid actress, but she has a GREAT set of pipes: I saw her and Anna Camp in "Pitch Perfect" this morning. Since Kendrick has experience in Twilight and Camp has been on True Blood, I wonder if I could put them in my own show called "Two Broke Vamps."

-B-

Technical Difficulties

Welcome back, all, and happy mid-May. Where has the time gone??? On the plus side, this has been a year of discovery for me so far. I discovered a new variety show on foreign TV...and I'll keep watching this over and over if they keep offering it: (More like "Bazumbas del Pop") She's the new human on Sesame Street, right? Because they'll have to start airing that show at 2am. Thanks for the mammaries. It offers a little something for everyone: makes dads horny, makes kids hungry. I like how she went to fix her top...and she went for the boob that WASN'T hanging out FIRST. That'd be like me detecting a draft in my nether-region when my fly is down...and checking my ass first to make sure it wasn't hanging out. (Also, did she cry out "Nelly Furtado!" at the end of that clip???) That reminds me...Intern Kelsay takes another crack at open mic standup comedy tomorrow night. Good luck! If you start to lose the crowd, might I make a suggestion...

Hey, this one goes out to all the ladies out there...with the cheating husbands. Let's get a little advice from resident 700 Club Love Expert Pat Robertson: Because that's the way God made us...men can fuck anything that walks, women are to blame. Pat Robertson. Lost. His. Damn. Mind.

Hey, I just finished taking flying lessons! I want to be a skywriter. I've perfected all letters of the alphabet and even some letters in the Greek and Hebrew alphabet to make myself more marketable. It should be a great career move!...except I can't shake the feeling that I forgot to take one class... Y'know, I'll be the first to admit I tend to write this blog in a way that heavily favors the liberals and kinda pokes fun at conservatives. A lot. Well, to be fair, the government isn't always right. And it proved it in a BIG way this week:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Barack Trek: Into Darkness
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Indecision Political Humor The Daily Show on Facebook

Yes, government makes mistakes. So do voters. See: South Carolinians Elect Known Adulterer Mark Sanford To Congress. Gotta thank Intern Sam for this one. She found an article that shows Mark Sanford is the "Frat Boy Who Never Grew Up" in this article. Yup, he's a real PETER Pan. Hey, speaking of college mentions, remember that video I had a couple weeks ago with the term "cunt punter" and I loved it so much I KEEP using the term? Much to the chagrin of my mother, who couldn't understand why I'd included it on her Mother's Day card? Let's put a counter on Jon Stewart for this story about self-image and Disney:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Princess and the P.R.
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Daily Show Full Episodes Indecision Political Humor The Daily Show on Facebook

I think he needs about 5 more "cunt punt" references. Then we're good.

-CP-

Ramsey-Palooza For Mother's Day!

Anyone out there catch any news this week? ANY news? At all? Then you probably saw the three women who had been held captive in the basement of a Cleveland, Ohio, home for the past decade. Monday, one of them was finally able to get to the front door of the home and scream for help. The neighbor who heard her is named Charles Ramsey...and he is quite possibly in my top 5 accidental public figures of all time. Seems like a nice guy. Really puts it out there. Let's start with the 911 call he made when he found Amanda Berry, who has apparently been a well-known name in the past ten years in Cleveland... "She white, but the baby look hispanic." Yes, send all of it. Because she's been held in fucking basement for a decade. Put yourself in her shoes. (Thanks, McDonald's.) So, let's go now to the live TV interview he did. It's amazing, after the colorful language he used in the 911 call, that he was able to cleanly make it through the interview without an f-bomb... Big testicles indeed. So, CLEARLY, it's time for the interwebs to do ITS thang.. and offer its own versions of Ramsey's soundbites. First, let's put it to music... How long before his single drops on MTV? Kanye West wouldn't DARE interrupt HIM at the MTV awards. But let's see how INTERNATIONAL news outlets reported this...with its signature SUPER FUN CRAZY TAIWANESE ANIMATION!!! So, you know what? Good for him for being in the right place at the right time. He even said the reward money for finding the girls should be given TO the girls. Guy's gotta a good heart...that's probably deteriorating with all the McDonald's and ribs he's eating. I wonder how he feels about the McRib only be sold like ONE MONTH out of the year...

Y'know, I'm convinced that people in this world will get the good (or bad) that is coming to them. For example, I fully expect to die horrifically because of all the jokes I make on this blog and all of the asshole comments I make at work. But there are some things I just can't stand. Not being given enough time for lunch breaks is one. Being expected to work late hours for ridiculous meetings is another. But I REALLY can't stand bullies. And I'm sure this news crew can attest: people shouldn't bully people out of their jobs. Finally, a big shout-out to Intern Kelsay for getting ready to make her first foray into standup comedy at an open mic night. Good luck! And do NOT do what this meteorologist did... Not. That. Funny.

-B-

Working For Bullies

Hey, I haven't seen Iron Man 3 yet, so stop putting out the spoilers, K? Thanks.

Although, I'll say I am looking forward to Reese Witherspoon's next movie. Here's a preview: I hear the working titles are "Reese's Gone To Pieces"..."Reese Witherspoon Is Just Another Alcoholic Redneck"...and "Chinside Out." I also kinda prefer "Snort The Line...Off A Hooker's Back."

Y'know, here on Thinking Hard, we try not only to be entertaining, but also educational. I mean, who couldn't use a few new words to amaze their friends, right? So pay close attention to the new words in this pair of clips from The Daily Show (including a nice reference to that sorority letter in last week's blog):

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Cut Punters
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Indecision Political Humor The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Cut Punters - Sequester La-di-da
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Indecision Political Humor The Daily Show on Facebook

Makes me smile. Finally, you ever notice how you get the hiccups at the absolute WORST possible time? That's what he gets for drinking on the job...oh wait, that's me. I bet that meteorologist found a way to blame a producer for his own problems.

-B-