USA! USA!

Welcome, everybody, to Thinking Hard...and let's take a moment to congratulate/feel bad for Team USA in the World Cup. By the skin of their teeth, they advanced earlier this week from Group Play into the single-elimination 16-team tournament bracket. But they were knocked out by Ghana in their match yesterday. So sorry, Team USA. (for some of you, the minute you realized I was talking about soccer, you started reading my words as "blah blah blah blah skin blah blah blah Group Play blah") It's great to see that our fellow North Americans in Canada stand beside us that this loss is a travesty for Team USA. I mean, seriously, look at what they did to express their outrage:



I'm also getting reports that they shoved a vuvuzela up someone's...wait, sorry, that's not the word I'm getting...I'm ACTUALLY getting word that these canucks were protesting the G20 summit in Toronto. Wait, let me get this straight...you're PROTESTING leaders from 20 different countries in your city talking about their ECONOMIES??? Really, Canada? I didn't realize you got so upset about money being squandered. Best you NOT look at MY bank account. Also, I think they used canadian beer to ignite that car fire. Canadian beer tastes like lighter fluid. HA HA! Got YOU, canadians!

Besides, it's not like President Obama doesn't ALREADY have his hands full this week. General Stanley McChrystal, the head guy in Afghanistan, resigned after dogging the Obama administration in an article for Rolling Stone (because NO ONE reads that, right?). Actually, there was a LOT going on this week. Jon?

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Endless Bummers
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(Stupid dramatic squirrel)

People in New Jersey are pissed. Nothing new, right? Seriously, someone has to be REALLY angry to punch SNOOKI in the face at a bar. Anyway, the state has set up a new website called JerseyDoesntStink.com, where people can defend claims of dirty beaches (true) and air (also true). When asked about the site, the cast of "Jersey Shore" said "Wait, WHAT? We're LIVING in Jersey??? Oh HELL NO!"

If you're a fan of this blog, you're probably used to reading me bitch about the TERRIBLE movies coming out of Hollywood. Well, I'm about to do it again. Dreamworks, having lost all abilities to make any more money off the Shrek franchise, has decided to rape our childhood memories and make a movie based on those little troll toys with the colored, fuzzy hair. Yes, you heard me right...the idea that makes sense in a $5 direct-to-DVD release is coming to theaters. I hear they're tapping Don King to star.

Let me take a moment to wrap this up with a COMPLIMENT. While television news nowadays is TERRIBLE to watch, with opinion outranking any kind of FACTUAL reporting on a daily basis (see also: Fox, MSNBC, etc.) and CNN struggling so hard in the ratings that they gave disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (remember? The Spitzer Swallow?) his own show (!), it's nice to see that the future of journalism might not be so bleak. Take a look at Arizona high school student and reporter Keith Wagner going after a candidate for state superintendent...you might have to boost your audio a little for the candidate...



"Um, Mr. Wagner, your next interview is here. It's a Miss Palin? She's babbling something about magazines..."

-B-

Whoa Daddy!

Hey everybody and welcome to a special Father's Day edition of Thinking Hard. It's a day when people try to throw dysfunction out the window and have a nice, quiet holiday celebration dedicated to the guy who just couldn't seem to "wrap it up" on at least one occasion. Think Thanksgiving...without the turkey...

Let's get one thing out of the way...there's a father in South Carolina who loves his son SO much and has SO much faith in him, he put up TEN GRAND to help him run for election to the U.S. Senate. TEN GRAND! So he must be one HELL of a contender, right? (man, I can't WAIT until the primary runoffs this Tuesday)...

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Alvin Greene Wins South Carolina Primary
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Worst pickup line ever: "Hey, you like football? Then take a look at this porn."

Speaking of porn and the youth of America, let's talk about a man who MUST be SO proud of his little girl: Billy Ray Cyrus. Yup, Miley's putting out a new, wholesome music video of her new single and...SWEET JESUS! Is she walking around in skimpy black leather??? That might be a little...ahem...risque for her fans. Never fear, though. Miley said in an interview this week that she's not TRYING to look slutty and is just growing into her sexuality. Well, okay, I can understand that. I mean, it's not like she's pulling a Lindsay Lohan and walking around without underwear on and getting pictures posted of it online...SWEET JESUS! Apparently she did and popular celeb blogger Perez Hilton decided to go ahead and POST THEM. Because, hey, posting pictures of a 17-YEAR-OLD'S SWEET SPOT couldn't POSSIBLY be illegal (except in states where 17 is still considered a "child" and the sweet spot is considered "porn"). Another celeb blog reports Hilton likely won't face any charges, but, so far, ABC's pulled ads for "The View" from his website and TV Land (noooooooo, not TV LAND!) yanked their...ADS as well (what did YOU think I was going to say?). Ah, so in order to gain notoriety, I'm gonna need some barely underage girls to be naked...how about NO.

You know who's our daddy? Big oil. No joke. That dumb spill in the Gulf? America's supposedly been trying to prevent that for YEARS. This is really fascinating:

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An Energy-Independent Future
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Again I say we need wind energy. I'd even settle for hydrogen energy. Is it safe? Depends on whether you consider the Hindenburg a bigger catastrophe than the Gulf oil spill. Your call. But maybe BP isn't as much to blame as we think. Maybe there's just a misprint in their emergency action plan:

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Day 59 - Judgment Day - The Strife Aquatic
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Yeah, that's gonna cost 'em.

Hey, last week was one of my FAVORITE times of the year...the annual Electronics Entertainment Expo in California. It's the time when Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo bust out their new toys and games for the next year. Now, you might remember LAST year, Microsoft unveiled a motion camera that allowed for some truly FRIGHTENING interaction with a young boy in a small village. The user asked him if he did his homework and he said he did, but showed embarrassment on his animated face, signifying he did not do his homework. The human also held a picture up to the camera that she had drawn...and the computer boy took a copy of that image into the game and was able to identify what it was. Landmark stuff we're talking about here. This year, not so much. Microsoft revealed they're calling that motion camera "Kinect." But then they went into a crapload of terrible "games" including Wii Fi...I mean, some workout game that we've already seen. In fact, I wasn't impressed by the initial game line-up at all, but one game seemed like it would appeal to you, my dear readers. Dads EVERYWHERE will be racing to pick this one up.

More Kinectimals Videos

Now Dad can spend even LESS time with the kids...

Let's wrap this up with one of the more famous fathers out there: Eminem. The guy sings about his daughter in every other fucking song he does. I feel like I spend more time with her than HE does! Well, guy's gotta pay the bills and has a new album, so he enlisted a VERY special adman for the job:



You're gonna love his nuts.
-B-

It's A Tumor

I think this will be a first...NONE of Thinking Hard's dedicated readers will see this post as soon as it's live Sunday morning. Well, whenever you DO get to read it, I hope it's worth the wait.

Hey, do you like South Carolina? Too bad:

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Thank You, South Carolina - The Race to Replace Disgrace
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Ah, Helen Thomas...giving children and grown men nightmares for years.

Remember that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Here's a solution that seems slightly LESS ludicrous than what those idiots are actually trying...



Why don't we put the guys who made THIS in charge of trying to fix the oil spill?...



For those of you who follow the "Friends of the Show," here's an update on the 16-year-old girl that's trying to sail around the world solo...she didn't make it. In fact, people keeping an eye on her briefly lost communication with her in the area of the Indian Ocean. Abby Sunderland had recently said she won't finish her trip because of problems with her boat...but it would have been TERRIBLE if she'd been lost at sea. Fortunately, rescue crews tracked her down and she's okay.

Would you like your children to learn Chinese? Do you think Chinese=communism?...

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Socialism Studies
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Are you fucking kidding me? I'd expect that kind of shit from the Carolinas...oh, wait, I'm told there's a similar argument happening in North Carolina...ah, North Carolina, always meeting my lowered expectations.

Hey, YOU can put your picture in one of the last two NASA space shuttle flights. Just upload your picture to this link and get ready for the aliens to target you SPECIFICALLY. HELLOOOOOO, ANAL PROBE!

Speaking of anal probes, here it is, your moment of zen...

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Moment of Zen - Surra de Bunda
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...gives me a headache just lookin' at it.

-B-

Thinking Hard...Now Fortified With MORE Cadmium!

Are you a fan of greasy food AND kitschy glassware? Then listen up...McDonald's is recalling its "Shrek Forever After" glasses because the designs painted on them contain cadmium. If you've not been watching the news, cadmium is a toxic chemical that has been discovered in several children's items recently, including Miley Cyrus-themed jewelry at Walmart. Well, that's ONE way to thin out the population. "Buh-da-buh-BUH-buh, it's killing me." (sung to the McDonald's jingle)

Hey, if you haven't been paying attention, there's still a war going on over in the Middle East. But there's been some off-time available lately, especially in Iraq, which has successfully kept those "weapons of mass destruction" out of our sight. So how DO soldiers spend their idle time? File this one under "Really??? Is this NECESSARY??":



If those soldiers need something to do, might I suggest the newest schoolyard game? Affectionately known as "sack tapping," and sent to me by Intern Holly (more on her in a moment), a boy will slap or flick the groin of another boy to cause him intense pain. I went searching for videos of it on YouTube and even found one guy who made a SCORECARD based on what kind of move boys used to "tap" the "sacks." Y'know, when I was growing up, it was all wedgies and flicking a person's earlobes. But this is new...and COMPLETELY NOT GAY. I mean, what STRAIGHT BOY doesn't want to get his hands near the balls of ANOTHER STRAIGHT BOY. It's a sign of comraderie among older men...including soldiers and GAY PORN STARS. Seriously, assholes, there's a code among fighting men...you DON'T TOUCH THE SACK. But, hey, if that's how you want it, you can be damned sure the next bar fight I'm in (which would make it my FIRST bar fight), the first move I throw is a kick to the junk.

And now for a moment of BRILLIANT marketing: British Airways has a new setup where you can receive your boarding pass on your cell phone, then scan that image at the airport gate. Sounds pretty cool, right? Well, here's a promotional image they planned to use to introduce the service...let me know if you see anything...um...ODD:



It's unusual for a company with the word "British" in its name to be screwing ANYTHING up so BIG lately...oh, wait:

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The Spilling Fields
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One last note today...I'm sad to report that Intern Holly is leaving us. I met her less than a year ago and saw an insane amount of potential. It has been an absolute pleasure knowing someone who has such a bright smile and a bright future ahead of her. Holly, wherever you find yourself in the future, I hope you continue to smile and remember our times with Wickersham (maybe not so much)...and I hope you will always think of Thinking Hard as your home, no matter where you are. I'll miss you. And remember...a kick to the sack is worth fewer points than a SPIN-KICK to the groin.

-B-