The Road To The Final Four

Welcome back, everyone. We have some BIG matchups in the Hottest Mess Tournament as we crown a Final Four today, but first, we have some "bidness" to attend to.

First, are you the type of person who won't spend even the paltry amount of $15 on things like ugly clothes? (you two know who you are) Well, what would you be willing to spend FIVE bucks on? Please welcome our new Friend of the Show, Fiverr.com. Think of it as Craigslist...but cheaper and slightly less creepy. People all across the nation are offering their services for the meager sum of five bucks. Want a letter or card sent to your child from the Easter Bunny...because YOU'RE too lazy to make the effort? Five bucks. Algebra homework help? Five bucks. I'm a little concerned about this one...WEDDING INVITATIONS? Five bucks. It's unusual, but it's worth checking out.

Let's check out a news item really quick...Congress has passed the health care overhaul. (once we here at Thinking Hard finish "War & Peace," we'll go through the bill and let you know what's in it) In doing so, Congress has also proven republicans are bigger dicks than democrats. The day before the passage of the bill, two black democratic congressmen were subjected to racist shouts from protestors on Capitol Hill, and Thinking Hard friend Rep. Barney Frank was subjected to homophobic slurs. Now, you'd think that AFTER this bill passed, those classy protestors would chill out...nope. Now they're vandalizing offices of those who passed the bill and even issuing death threats! Somewhere, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are laughing diabolically. Look, here's the deal. I believe that americans have inalienable rights...freedom of religion, freedom of speech, etc. But I doubt our forefathers envisioned that "freedom of speech" as "the freedom to use bigoted or homophobic slurs or to threaten one's life because you disagree with their stance on a certain issue." Fuckin' A, americans! Grow up! When President "Dubya" Bush was in office, democrats protested the war, but even THEY realized it would be counter-productive to start threatening people with violence (and they probably saw the irony in saying "Stop the violence...or I'll kill you!"). How about giving the bill a chance to work its magic, THEN criticizing? Especially since the only information some people are getting about the bill is straight from the opposition party...Fox News. As much as I hate her, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is on my side...and you KNOW that means I have a point if SHE agrees with me. All I'm saying? Give peace a chance. Besides, this whole health care thing has been in the works for more than a CENTURY. It's huge! How big a deal IS it, Joe Biden?



Love that guy. President Obama learned a lot from the Bush administration. While Bush tried to surround himself with brilliant minds to make himself look smarter, they just made him look like an idiot. So Obama decided to surround himself with idiots to make himself look brilliant.

Hey, you know those problems Toyota's having with its cars being unable to stop at high speeds? I think I figured out what the problem is:



That's video shot on a road in the United Kingdom. The person in the car is okay. But I'm a little concerned about the person who's shooting the home video...WHO'S ALSO DRIVING AT HIGH SPEEDS ON THE FREEWAY! Eyes on the road!!!

Now, today's wrap on entertainment news...

1. Fox is canceling "24" after 9 years. Now if they could just do the same to "American Idol." Seriously, who's that blonde guy they hired to judge?

2. MTV is FINALLY ending "The Hills." But I have to wonder if the network ever had any clue how useless that show is. The official release says the show helped launch the careers of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Yes, their budding careers as janitors at your local high school have INDEED gotten a boost from the show.

3. You ever get the sense that the people at TLC are smoking some REALLY good pot? After the abortion known as "Jon & Kate plus Alimony," now they're launch a Sarah Palin reality show. Each exciting weekly episode will be filled with Mrs. Palin trying to answer ongoing questions like "What's the meaning of life," "Should I run for president in 2012," and "Will Fox News require me to actually READ anything before I go on air today?"

Speaking of Palin, she's still nursing her injuries after being smacked down last week in the first round of the Hottest Mess Tournament. Let's get crack-a-lackin'...

Bristol Palin vs. Rielle Hunter

Bristol was coming out strong here, trying to avenge her mother's loss last week. And yes, it IS clear that she just doesn't have a good grasp (and might never) of what being an intelligent adult is all about. But let's face it...she's still a kid. She has a small excuse...unlike Hunter, who is old enough to know better.



(It's like looking at the painting, The Scream, isn't it?)



Winner: Rielle Hunter

Snooki vs. Rachel "Uck" Uchitel

I present Exhibit A:



GAH! MY EYES! ALL I CAN SEE IS ORANGE!!!!

Winner: Snooki

Let's take a moment in this intermission to welcome the octomom, Nadya Suleman. It's great to see even SHE has her limits (unlike the adult film industry). See, she allowed PETA to post a sign in her yard for $5K that says "Don't Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter." But she turned DOWN an offer from Vivid Entertainment to do a porno, even though her home is in foreclosure. Hey, her eight children will soon have to work in a sweatshop for a nickel a day, but at least their mom has her pride. So, we salute you, Nadya Suleman, and we retire your jersey...with the number 8. PLEASE don't make us put a 9 or any other number on a jersey for you!

Back to the action...

Carrie Prejean vs. Heidi Montag

This really comes down to which of these two airheads is more ignorant. Carrie Prejean has a pretty close-minded look at what marriage should be and who should and shouldn't be allowed to be together. But Heidi Montag actually thinks she's a talented singer and actress. And she thinks Spencer Pratt is attractive and good for her career.

Winner: Heidi Montag

And now, let's take a look to see Lindsay Lohan resting up and training for her FIRST matchup in the tournament:



Yes, after tripping and falling on a cactus, she said the paparazzi PUSHED her! Y'know, if she wanted a cactus that badly, I hear they're available at IKEA, right, Holly? That's okay...Lindsay will take a prick wherever she can get one.

Next week:
Rielle Hunter vs. Snooki
Heidi Montag vs. Lindsay Lohan

-B-

How To Be A Homewrecker In 3 Easy Steps

1. Sleep with a married man
2. Have a baby by him (and be a millionaire)
3. Have unnecessarily provocative pictures taken of yourself during an interview with a popular magazine. Bonus points if you appear to be strung out.

Hey, welcome to the road to the Elite Eight in Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament. Before we get there, today's a big vote on Capitol Hill. Many pundits are calling it the "make or break" day for President Obama's health care (it's TWO SEPARATE WORDS!) overhaul. We'll follow the latest developments here at the Thinking Hard NewsCenter. Surely it can't be any more difficult than it was to fix the economy:

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Maybe I'll form Thinking Hard United Generalities...THUG, for short.

Hey, what would YOU do to win millions on a reality show? Eat bugs? Bungee jump from death-defying heights? Lose 500 pounds? Pfft, that's NOTHING. How about trying to KILL someone???



"Um, yes, hello...ABC? Yes, I have a great idea for the elimination rounds of this season's Dancing with the *ahem* Stars..."

Speaking of, let's get this shit ON! Welcome to the first-round action of the Hottest Mess Tournament. Let's start in the Baby-Makers bracket...

Kate Gosselin vs. Bristol Palin

So, K8 starts her Dancing with the "Stars" career this week...along with hairstyle number three (which falls somewhere between the crazy cut she had to begin with...and the hair extensions she wore for a couple of weeks). I expected her to be nuts, but the blog over at E! Online quotes a staffer at DWTS as saying Kate's actually a great mom to her kids while she's rehearsing. Honestly, I think divorce has really helped her image. During "Jon & Kate," she seemed like the henpecking wife who just treated Jon like he was child number 9. But now that Jon's free of all that, he's shown himself to be a total assclown...and Kate's moved a little more toward the "classy" direction. I STILL don't think she thought the whole "have 8 kids and my own TV show" thing through, but she's improving. Bristol Palin also has an ABC deal worked out...she's going to guest star on ABC Family's "hit" show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager." Also, it came out this week that she's going to hit up professional baby-daddy Levi Johnston for some of that mad Playgirl mone...I mean, "child support." Bristol claims she won't have sex again until she's married...riiiiight. She shows a serious lack of forward-thinking...maybe we'll see her on Dancing with the "Stars."

Winner: Bristol Palin

Sarah Palin vs. Rielle Hunter

If you've been reading this blog, you KNOW how I feel about Sarah Palin. She's a beauty queen who seemed to think she could run a state, so she picked one more populated by moose than people...and she shot the moose. Then she thought she could help run the country. Too bad she didn't read Wildlife Hunter Quarterly to see that the moose population is down across the rest of the U.S. Now, she's trying to get her political fix by contributing to Fox "News." Yes, she's an idiot. Yes, I think she disproves the theory of "survival of the fittest." But...



HOW CAN YOU TOP THAT??? Yeah, Rielle Hunter did a photo shoot and interview about her affair with John Edwards. In it, she said they did the nasty in a hotel room the first night they met. Seriously, she-John-Elizabeth have the GROSSEST love triangle I have ever seen! But Rielle came out and claimed she didn't know the pictures in GQ were gonna be that risque. She said she thought they were just going to use headshots. REALLY?! So you USUALLY greet guests in just a shirt and panties? (well, I guess you might) Even that pink cat pillow thinks you're inappropriate! Look at the way it's looking at you! I'm a little disturbed by Dora's presence in there. "Okay, Boots, Map said we have to go through the BUSH...into the CAVE...and we'll find the TREASURE. Can YOU say it with me? BUSH...CAVE...TREASURE!" Go, Diego, go.

Winner: Rielle Hunter

Over in the They're Clearly Drunk bracket...

Snooki vs. "White Kanye" Elinor Burkett

Okay, this is really kind of a blowout (something I'm SURE Snooki's familiar with). While Elinor shouldn't have jumped up to interrupt a guy's Oscar speech, Snooki's got a little more going for her. It's come out that Snooki hosted a party with alcohol when she was 16 (illegal) and sold that alcohol to many of the underage party-goers (also illegal). One of those party-goers, an 18-year-old boy, ended up dying in a drunk-driving crash after the party. Snooki did some community service and was cleared (I checked...Jersey Shore is NOT part of that community service). Yeah, she's classy...for a Chee-To with hair.

Winner: Snooki

Mariah Carey vs. "First Tiger Mistress" Rachel "Don't Call Me Ucky" Uchitel

Mariah Carey never stops showing up in public drunk. She was PLASTERED when she accepted an award for her role in the hit movie "Precious." That makes her an easy pick for this round. But wait! Rachel Uchitel recently used her infamy to get a job as a special correspondent at the TV tabloid show, Extra (as in "If you want me to talk to you afterward, it'll cost you EXTRA"). Now she's suing a Vegas entertainer for his comments on his Facebook page, calling her "slut," "whore" and "hooker." She thinks she's THAT classy? Well, for her, this match-up will be a come from behind victory...which is exactly how she likes it.

Winner: Rachel Uchitel

With Lindsay Lohan getting a "bye" (of COURSE Lindsay Lohan's used to a "bi"...sometimes two or three at a time) in the Fan Fave bracket, all we have left is the Sexy Beasts bracket.

Heidi Montag vs. "Sex Robot" Roxxxy

Well, they're both made 100% of plastic...and the only reason they both exist is sex...*flips a coin*

Winner: Heidi Montag

Carrie Prejean vs. Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert was recently in London...and hanging with Lindsay Lohan's ex, Samantha "Are You SURE That's Not A Dude?" Ronson and her brother (good luck trying to figure out which one is which). Meanwhile, former Miss USA contestant Carrie "I CAN'T Be A Homophobe If I Don't Know What It Means" Prejean is getting a little pep talk from the co-director of the pageant. Shanna Moakler says she hopes Prejean and her LIVE-IN fiance have gay children. Funny as that is, the chick who's all "The Bible says homosexuality is bad" is LIVIN' IN SIN.

Winner: Carrie Prejean

So, the final match-ups look like this: Bristol Palin vs. Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel vs. Snooki, Carrie Prejean vs. Heidi Montag...and Lindsay Lohan will continue playing with herself.

And now, here it is...your moment of zen:

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-B-

Selection Sunday (Or I'm About To Waste 20 Minutes Of Your Time)

Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Before we get started today, I want to take a moment to remember actor Corey Haim, who died this week of unknown causes (read: drugs). We will always remember his laundry list of Hollywood achievements, like "The Lost Boys," "License to Drive," "Lucas,"...uh...yeah, I'm surprised anyone really noticed he was gone (besides Corey Feldman...apparently, the magnetic personality of a Corey is magnified infinitely when there are at least two of them in one particular place). Anyway, happy trails, Corey Haim.

Also, does anyone want to run for public office in New York? Apparently you have to be terrible at your job and/or have an insatiable appetite for sex.

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Apparently, Massa also admitted to "snorkeling," which is kinda like waterboarding, but you have your mouth around a guy's dick.



Now THAT guy's a hot mess...but not hot enough to qualify for the Thinking Hard Hottest Mess Tournament 2010! First, a couple of Honorable Mentions that didn't quite make it into this year's tourney (better luck next year)...

Katy Perry. Okay, not so much Katy Perry HERSELF (though I question her choice in men if she's marrying Russell Brand...that dude looks like a homeless surfer), but moreso the creators of the new SMURFS MOVIE who want her to voice Smurfette! It's going to be a live action/animated movie (because that went SO well for the TWO, yes TWO, Garfield movies). Seriously, Hollywood? Stop. Just stop. Bad Hollywood. Bad.

Also, the woman in California who apparently thinks she'll be in a new combination of "The Sopranos" and "Entourage." Yes, this classy lady went to see the new movie "Shutter Island," but couldn't stop talking on her cell phone during the movie. So another moviegoer asked her to hang up her phone so he could enjoy the movie. Her response? She left with two men... and those men came back with a MEAT THERMOMETER, and STABBED THE MAN IN THE NECK WITH IT! You've got to be fucking KIDDING me! They should already know he's measuring out at about 98.6 degrees...

Okay, time now for the nitty-gritty. It's all on the line at this year's tournament, and here are the selections for the "Baby Makers" bracket:

Kate Gosselin, getting ready to star in her new series "Kate plus 8 plus a pair of dance shows and maybe some hair extensions," will do a little early PR for the show by competing in this year's tournament. And her opening round opponent is...Bristol Palin!

Sarah Palin will also be in this year's "Baby Makers" bracket (I thought "Complete Waste of DNA and Oxygen" was far too BROAD for a bracket). In the opening round, she'll square off against...John Edwards' baby-momma Rielle Hunter!

The winner of "Baby Makers" will take on the winner of the "They're Clearly Drunk" bracket in the semifinals of this year's tournament. Among those fighting for her spot in the semis is...Snooki, from MTV's Jersey Shore! Here's Jon Stewart to introduce Snooki's opening round opponent:

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Yes, Snooki will take on last-minute entry Elinor Burkett...or, as I like to refer to her, White Kanye. On the other half of that bracket, we have...Mariah Carey! She'll try to show more skin than her competitor, the first Tiger Woods mistress, Rachel "Don't Call Me 'Ucky'" Uchitel.

We'll get to the other half of the tournament in a moment, but first, a word from our tournament sponsor:



Now, back to the action. Let's start with the "Fan Faves" bracket. Remember, this bracket is full of competitors submitted BY YOU, the dear, wonderful readers of Thinking Hard. And let's check that suggestion box...er...huh...only ONE ENTRY??? Well, then, a special Thinking Hard "Think-you" to Intern Holly for helping a guy out...and the automatic winner of the "Fan Faves" bracket is...LINDSAY LOHAN! (hey, maybe next year you'll actually SUBMIT some ideas)

The lovely and talented poster child for cocaine and meth use will take on the winner of the "Sexy Beasts" bracket. First in this year...Heidi Montag! She'll square off against...Roxxxy...the talking sex robot! Think that's weird? Wait until you see the other match-up. Former Miss Aligned Carrie Prejean will face off against...ADAM LAMBERT! Man, that chick is SO far out of my league...wait, WHAT?...that's a DUDE???...next thing you're gonna tell me is the middle Hanson kid is a guy...WHAT???...well, fuck it, he's in the tournament. You think that's disgusting? Check THIS:



So, the brackets are set...here's the tournament. Feel free to print it out and play along:



Happy March Madness!
-B-

They TOTALLY Stole My Gimmick!

The newest cast of "Dancing with the Stars" was released this week. It features Kate Gosselin, Shannen Doherty and ESPN reporter (and soon-to-be adult film star) Erin Andrews. What...the...hell?? ABC just ripped off Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament line-up! That's it! I'm suing for copyright infringement! Next thing you know, they'll be trying to set up Nadya Suleman for the cast. Also, 80-year-old astronaut Buzz Aldrin is set to join the cast...if he can make it to the first episode without shattering both of his hips. Now THAT'S one small step for mankind...setting foot on "Dancing with the Stars" is a step BACKWARD for evolution.

Speaking of things that conservative religious fanatics don't believe in... Intern Jessica nearly slapped me across the face with this story this week (it was almost a mollywhopping...look it up). A college atheist group in Texas set up a trade-in program this week where people traded in their bibles and other assorted religious books...for porn. Yes, the "Smut for Smut" campaign is born. No, I didn't make that up. And I have to argue with the atheist group for a moment...you're probably getting more smut than you're leaving...a sort of "more bang for your buck," if you prefer. After all, there's WAY more anal sex in that porn than in the bible. Apparently anal sex is against the law in the bible. At least that's what Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson tell me...and if there are two guys out there who know their anal sex, it's those guys.

While we're on the topic of visions of sex that gross us out, a new Paris Hilton ad is being banned in Brazil. Yes, THAT Brazil thinks a Paris Hilton ad is TOO HOT (must be that burning sensation most people get from coming in contact with her). The commercial shows her standing in front of a window, wearing a black dress, and rubbing a can of beer all over her body. The shots cut away so you don't see exactly WHERE she puts that can, but hey, I think we can all guess where little Paris "Six-Pack" Hilton is stuffing it (and I'm not talking about a six-pack of beer). Ms. Hilton is being accused of alcohol abuse.

That charge against Hilton is a shame. She could've been up for the role of Ginger in the new "Gilligan's Island" movie remake. Yes, some a-hole in Hollywood decided it would be a good idea to remake the 1960s TV show into a movie. Well, I guess the directors will have to go with their SECOND choice for Ginger...Johnny Weir.

Also, in the category of "Things in Hollywood That Make Me Say 'WTF?'"(for $200, Alex), former American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee is taking a moment out of her illustrious recording career (and her confusion about what color hair she should have) to STAR in a NEW SITCOM on NBC! Apparently she put on her resume "Acted like I wasn't just in it for the money when I dated a music industry professional who was about 20 years older than me." Next up, a sitcom for Sarah Palin.

Man, the idea of Katharine McPhee in a sitcom is making me naseous. I hope Congress is close to passing that new health care plan:

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Y'know, let's follow up with Bunning to see why he acted like such an a-hole:

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You should see that guy in line at Starbucks.

Join us next week for our special Hottest Mess Selection Sunday coverage!
-B-