2. Have a baby by him (and be a millionaire)
3. Have unnecessarily provocative pictures taken of yourself during an interview with a popular magazine. Bonus points if you appear to be strung out.
Hey, welcome to the road to the Elite Eight in Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament. Before we get there, today's a big vote on Capitol Hill. Many pundits are calling it the "make or break" day for President Obama's health care (it's TWO SEPARATE WORDS!) overhaul. We'll follow the latest developments here at the Thinking Hard NewsCenter. Surely it can't be any more difficult than it was to fix the economy:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| In Dodd We Trust | ||||
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Maybe I'll form Thinking Hard United Generalities...THUG, for short.
Hey, what would YOU do to win millions on a reality show? Eat bugs? Bungee jump from death-defying heights? Lose 500 pounds? Pfft, that's NOTHING. How about trying to KILL someone???
"Um, yes, hello...ABC? Yes, I have a great idea for the elimination rounds of this season's Dancing with the *ahem* Stars..."
Speaking of, let's get this shit ON! Welcome to the first-round action of the Hottest Mess Tournament. Let's start in the Baby-Makers bracket...
Kate Gosselin vs. Bristol Palin
So, K8 starts her Dancing with the "Stars" career this week...along with hairstyle number three (which falls somewhere between the crazy cut she had to begin with...and the hair extensions she wore for a couple of weeks). I expected her to be nuts, but the blog over at E! Online quotes a staffer at DWTS as saying Kate's actually a great mom to her kids while she's rehearsing. Honestly, I think divorce has really helped her image. During "Jon & Kate," she seemed like the henpecking wife who just treated Jon like he was child number 9. But now that Jon's free of all that, he's shown himself to be a total assclown...and Kate's moved a little more toward the "classy" direction. I STILL don't think she thought the whole "have 8 kids and my own TV show" thing through, but she's improving. Bristol Palin also has an ABC deal worked out...she's going to guest star on ABC Family's "hit" show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager." Also, it came out this week that she's going to hit up professional baby-daddy Levi Johnston for some of that mad Playgirl mone...I mean, "child support." Bristol claims she won't have sex again until she's married...riiiiight. She shows a serious lack of forward-thinking...maybe we'll see her on Dancing with the "Stars."
Winner: Bristol Palin
Sarah Palin vs. Rielle Hunter
If you've been reading this blog, you KNOW how I feel about Sarah Palin. She's a beauty queen who seemed to think she could run a state, so she picked one more populated by moose than people...and she shot the moose. Then she thought she could help run the country. Too bad she didn't read Wildlife Hunter Quarterly to see that the moose population is down across the rest of the U.S. Now, she's trying to get her political fix by contributing to Fox "News." Yes, she's an idiot. Yes, I think she disproves the theory of "survival of the fittest." But...
HOW CAN YOU TOP THAT??? Yeah, Rielle Hunter did a photo shoot and interview about her affair with John Edwards. In it, she said they did the nasty in a hotel room the first night they met. Seriously, she-John-Elizabeth have the GROSSEST love triangle I have ever seen! But Rielle came out and claimed she didn't know the pictures in GQ were gonna be that risque. She said she thought they were just going to use headshots. REALLY?! So you USUALLY greet guests in just a shirt and panties? (well, I guess you might) Even that pink cat pillow thinks you're inappropriate! Look at the way it's looking at you! I'm a little disturbed by Dora's presence in there. "Okay, Boots, Map said we have to go through the BUSH...into the CAVE...and we'll find the TREASURE. Can YOU say it with me? BUSH...CAVE...TREASURE!" Go, Diego, go.
Winner: Rielle Hunter
Over in the They're Clearly Drunk bracket...
Snooki vs. "White Kanye" Elinor Burkett
Okay, this is really kind of a blowout (something I'm SURE Snooki's familiar with). While Elinor shouldn't have jumped up to interrupt a guy's Oscar speech, Snooki's got a little more going for her. It's come out that Snooki hosted a party with alcohol when she was 16 (illegal) and sold that alcohol to many of the underage party-goers (also illegal). One of those party-goers, an 18-year-old boy, ended up dying in a drunk-driving crash after the party. Snooki did some community service and was cleared (I checked...Jersey Shore is NOT part of that community service). Yeah, she's classy...for a Chee-To with hair.
Winner: Snooki
Mariah Carey vs. "First Tiger Mistress" Rachel "Don't Call Me Ucky" Uchitel
Mariah Carey never stops showing up in public drunk. She was PLASTERED when she accepted an award for her role in the hit movie "Precious." That makes her an easy pick for this round. But wait! Rachel Uchitel recently used her infamy to get a job as a special correspondent at the TV tabloid show, Extra (as in "If you want me to talk to you afterward, it'll cost you EXTRA"). Now she's suing a Vegas entertainer for his comments on his Facebook page, calling her "slut," "whore" and "hooker." She thinks she's THAT classy? Well, for her, this match-up will be a come from behind victory...which is exactly how she likes it.
Winner: Rachel Uchitel
With Lindsay Lohan getting a "bye" (of COURSE Lindsay Lohan's used to a "bi"...sometimes two or three at a time) in the Fan Fave bracket, all we have left is the Sexy Beasts bracket.
Heidi Montag vs. "Sex Robot" Roxxxy
Well, they're both made 100% of plastic...and the only reason they both exist is sex...*flips a coin*
Winner: Heidi Montag
Carrie Prejean vs. Adam Lambert
Adam Lambert was recently in London...and hanging with Lindsay Lohan's ex, Samantha "Are You SURE That's Not A Dude?" Ronson and her brother (good luck trying to figure out which one is which). Meanwhile, former Miss USA contestant Carrie "I CAN'T Be A Homophobe If I Don't Know What It Means" Prejean is getting a little pep talk from the co-director of the pageant. Shanna Moakler says she hopes Prejean and her LIVE-IN fiance have gay children. Funny as that is, the chick who's all "The Bible says homosexuality is bad" is LIVIN' IN SIN.
Winner: Carrie Prejean
So, the final match-ups look like this: Bristol Palin vs. Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel vs. Snooki, Carrie Prejean vs. Heidi Montag...and Lindsay Lohan will continue playing with herself.
And now, here it is...your moment of zen:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Moment of Zen - Shallow Flood | ||||
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-B-
3 comments:
"Even that pink cat pillow thinks you're inappropriate!"
The Hot Mess Tournament is my favorite time of year! You are so hilarious, I kinda want to move to daybreak so you can get paid to make me laugh!! Eh, I will just read the blog instead. Health Care. Two Words. Have a nice day.
-Bridget
That is too funny!
Too funny. Great writing here!
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