Selection Sunday (Or I'm About To Waste 20 Minutes Of Your Time)

Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Before we get started today, I want to take a moment to remember actor Corey Haim, who died this week of unknown causes (read: drugs). We will always remember his laundry list of Hollywood achievements, like "The Lost Boys," "License to Drive," "Lucas,"...uh...yeah, I'm surprised anyone really noticed he was gone (besides Corey Feldman...apparently, the magnetic personality of a Corey is magnified infinitely when there are at least two of them in one particular place). Anyway, happy trails, Corey Haim.

Also, does anyone want to run for public office in New York? Apparently you have to be terrible at your job and/or have an insatiable appetite for sex.

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Apparently, Massa also admitted to "snorkeling," which is kinda like waterboarding, but you have your mouth around a guy's dick.



Now THAT guy's a hot mess...but not hot enough to qualify for the Thinking Hard Hottest Mess Tournament 2010! First, a couple of Honorable Mentions that didn't quite make it into this year's tourney (better luck next year)...

Katy Perry. Okay, not so much Katy Perry HERSELF (though I question her choice in men if she's marrying Russell Brand...that dude looks like a homeless surfer), but moreso the creators of the new SMURFS MOVIE who want her to voice Smurfette! It's going to be a live action/animated movie (because that went SO well for the TWO, yes TWO, Garfield movies). Seriously, Hollywood? Stop. Just stop. Bad Hollywood. Bad.

Also, the woman in California who apparently thinks she'll be in a new combination of "The Sopranos" and "Entourage." Yes, this classy lady went to see the new movie "Shutter Island," but couldn't stop talking on her cell phone during the movie. So another moviegoer asked her to hang up her phone so he could enjoy the movie. Her response? She left with two men... and those men came back with a MEAT THERMOMETER, and STABBED THE MAN IN THE NECK WITH IT! You've got to be fucking KIDDING me! They should already know he's measuring out at about 98.6 degrees...

Okay, time now for the nitty-gritty. It's all on the line at this year's tournament, and here are the selections for the "Baby Makers" bracket:

Kate Gosselin, getting ready to star in her new series "Kate plus 8 plus a pair of dance shows and maybe some hair extensions," will do a little early PR for the show by competing in this year's tournament. And her opening round opponent is...Bristol Palin!

Sarah Palin will also be in this year's "Baby Makers" bracket (I thought "Complete Waste of DNA and Oxygen" was far too BROAD for a bracket). In the opening round, she'll square off against...John Edwards' baby-momma Rielle Hunter!

The winner of "Baby Makers" will take on the winner of the "They're Clearly Drunk" bracket in the semifinals of this year's tournament. Among those fighting for her spot in the semis is...Snooki, from MTV's Jersey Shore! Here's Jon Stewart to introduce Snooki's opening round opponent:

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Yes, Snooki will take on last-minute entry Elinor Burkett...or, as I like to refer to her, White Kanye. On the other half of that bracket, we have...Mariah Carey! She'll try to show more skin than her competitor, the first Tiger Woods mistress, Rachel "Don't Call Me 'Ucky'" Uchitel.

We'll get to the other half of the tournament in a moment, but first, a word from our tournament sponsor:



Now, back to the action. Let's start with the "Fan Faves" bracket. Remember, this bracket is full of competitors submitted BY YOU, the dear, wonderful readers of Thinking Hard. And let's check that suggestion box...er...huh...only ONE ENTRY??? Well, then, a special Thinking Hard "Think-you" to Intern Holly for helping a guy out...and the automatic winner of the "Fan Faves" bracket is...LINDSAY LOHAN! (hey, maybe next year you'll actually SUBMIT some ideas)

The lovely and talented poster child for cocaine and meth use will take on the winner of the "Sexy Beasts" bracket. First in this year...Heidi Montag! She'll square off against...Roxxxy...the talking sex robot! Think that's weird? Wait until you see the other match-up. Former Miss Aligned Carrie Prejean will face off against...ADAM LAMBERT! Man, that chick is SO far out of my league...wait, WHAT?...that's a DUDE???...next thing you're gonna tell me is the middle Hanson kid is a guy...WHAT???...well, fuck it, he's in the tournament. You think that's disgusting? Check THIS:



So, the brackets are set...here's the tournament. Feel free to print it out and play along:



Happy March Madness!
-B-