Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Fight

Hey, everybody, and welcome to this special Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. Yup, we're one of the few offices actually OPEN on Christmas Sunday. That's wrong on so many levels. Well...TWO levels, anyway.

Let's start with a holiday shopping idea if you can find any stores open today...do NOT expect to find the new Air Jordans available ANYWHERE but eBay. Nike released the shoes early Friday morning and I learned a LOT about the current state of our economy: white people be POOR! Shoppers turned out to local shoe stores in DROVES across the country to lay down $180 for the shoes (which, incidentally, were NOT personally worn by Mr. Jordan, God rest his soul...wait, what? He's NOT dead? But what's he doing? I haven't seen him in weeks...). Well, these bright young consumers were NOT going to be held down by the MAN who did NOT want them to put their HARD-EARNED money back into the economy. They weren't going to wait in LINES holding TICKETS...because there's no order in the NBA, so there shouldn't be order buying shoes from an NBA legend! That's not what Mr. Air would've wanted! So I'm seeing all this video at these stores of people bum-rushing the EVIL GLASS DOORS blocking them from entering their favorite stores (that's un-American! Who puts LOCKS on DOORS???) and I can't help but notice...there are only about TWO white people in line to buy the shoes amid THOUSANDS of...um...NON-white people. And that's when it hit me: white people are POOR. They can't afford to drop $180 on a pair of shoes. But apparently the economy is GREAT for african-americans. I felt like I was playing a game of "Where's White-O?" in the sea of humanity out at these stores. So a big thank you goes out to the african-americans who braved the stores that refused to recognized the Emancipation Proclamation passed 150 years ago. And a big thank you as well to the companies who are WELL-compensating their african-american employees. And if anyone would like to support the poor white american working class, call me.

Hey, primaries and caucuses are coming up fast. The GOP candidates are making their cases for votes. Ron Paul stands to have a good showing in the Iowa caucuses. But he might be working a little TOO hard to support white America...



Well if THAT'S all it takes to get rid of Ron Paul... Actually, it takes even LESS to get rid of Newt Gingrich. His own staff FORGOT to apply to have his name put on the primary ballots in Virginia, as did Texas Governor Rick Perry. And there are NO write-ins on the primary ballots in Virginia. I guess they can be forgiven. After all, Gingrich is old...and Perry has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old...girl.

Hey, if you ever get out to Los Angeles, be sure to watch local TV station KTLA. They have a lot of fun. In fact, they've spent a few segments lately poking fun at an audio clip that accidentally aired of one of their reporters asking an intern to fetch him a cup of coffee (doesn't he know? Talent is supposed to ask PRODUCERS to do mundane things like that!). Let's take a look at all the fun and frivolity...



You might have noticed a LOT of time with that weather guy, Henry DiCarlo. Apparently he lost his joviality as Christmas got closer:



I guess he only likes to waste air-time when HE'S the one in charge of timing. I REALLY liked the anchor's response about cheese and "whine." For Christmas, I'd give that guy a pink slip. And that's why I'm not in charge. Anywhere.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday with friends and family, remembering the true reason and spirit of the season. We'll be back next week to kick off 2012. Have a bang-up final week of 2011!

-B-

I'm Ronery, So Ronery

Not even Arrec Bawdrin could save Kim Jong-Il. Sad. He was probably too busy playing Words With Friends to help him. "Yes, I KNOW CPR, but I'm trying to figure out how to play this Q and this J on this triple-letter, triple-word score block of letters. Hang on. Let me just check Wikipedia..." (yes, that's for you, James)

Hey, welcome back to the blog. Thanks for your patience as we returned from our holiday flights. Smooth sailing, no screaming children. Oh, wait, I'm told we have some breaking news coming in from Fox News Channel about politics...

(If you don't see it, I'll explain it for you at the end. Hint: you need to know some geography.)

Y'know, as a producer in TV news, I should tell you I'm not busy goofing off during a newscast...trying to make sure things don't go to shit if we have technical issues, trying to fill time if anchors stop reading...it's really a lot of juggling. But not quite as much juggling as what goes on in Portland, Oregon:



(Somebody ought to get slapped for that.)

Oh, I'm being told we have another update from Fox News, this time about the democrats:

While we're talking about politics, anybody watch MSNBC? One of their big political correspondents is Chuck Todd. But did you ALSO know he's an avid bird-watcher?



Maybe he's taking up sign language. Oh, sorry to interrupt, but we have another update coming in from Fox News, this time looking at the poll numbers for the GOP presidential candidates...

For those of you keeping score at home, there have been a total of four errors in the Fox News graphics I've shown you. Here's what you should have spotted:

1. Utah is labeled with a "NV" for Nevada in Graphic #1.
2. Vermont is labeled with a "NH" for New Hampshire in Graphic #2.
3. In Graphic #3, Mitt Romney is NOT half-black, half-white.
4. The graphics people at Fox News are NOT competent

Now, who knows what will happen to the inept graphics department at Fox News. All I know is I'd be swearing up a storm in the control room if that shit hit my newscast. I just hope I wouldn't be caught on AIR dropping any f-bombs...



Well, if I did, at least I'd make it on Thinking Hard...

-B-

Tape Delay

If you've tuned in for this week's Thinking Hard blog, just wait longer. The writers are still on holiday vacation, but they'll return to the office Tuesday morning. That's the last time we get Rod Blagojevich to book our flights...he kept trying to sell our seats!

Happy Anniversary! Now For Some Words, Friends...

I realize I'm a little early this week with this, but I was afraid I'd miss my deadline because I'm stuck playing Words With Friends with this guy, username AlecB, who just will NOT stop playing words! I've lost a lot of sleep because this guy is so addicted to this game. But there WAS a game a few nights ago where he stopped playing for a little while. I wonder what happened...

For those of you who don't watch TV or read the interwebs, Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight earlier this week because he refused to turn off his phone when the plane door closed...y'know, like federal regulations say you're SUPPOSED to. He was just so involved in his game of Words With Friends. So he pitched a fit, the plane was delayed, and Baldwin threw a temper-tantrum on Twitter. Dude, seriously? It seems as though NO ONE remembers the whole "calling your daughter a rude little pig" thing...UNTIL you start acting like an asshole AGAIN! Let's face it: people enjoy watching you on 30 Rock because it was your comeback tour for calling your daughter a pig. But if you were to leave that show, we wouldn't care, because Tina Fey is fantastic. So please, Mr. Baldwin, step off your high horse and turn off your phone when asked. #who'salecbaldwin?

And now, our new favorite game here at Thinking Hard: "Drunk or Stroke?" And here's tonight's competitor, from Mankato, Minnesota...



And now, a story that defies explanation, even here at Thinking Hard...where chaos reigns supreme. I'm posting this article about the owner of the NBA team Orlando Magic, who reportedly drunk-dialed player Dwight Howard. A reporter from WFTV got a hold of a transcript of that call...that was partially faked by an internet writer. Hilarity ensued. With video. My favorite type of hilarity.

And now, our new segment for all of you space fans out there called "Hey, Look, The Moon"...



That is all.

-B-

The Cain Train Has Derailed

Goodbye, Herman Cain. Let this be a reminder to everyone...your illicit affairs should only happen AFTER you are elected President.

Welcome back to "TV Behaving Badly." I'm always proud to work in an industry where so many people create so many live fuck-ups...and then those fuck-ups are blasted all over the internet. I love the high-tech generation. For example, Reverend Billy Graham went to the hospital last week for pneumonia. Doctors caught it early and were very positive about his health...and then the CBS station in Charlotte, NC, reported Graham had died Saturday morning...and then had to RETRACT said story because they'd gotten it wrong. Apparently it all comes down to an initial report that came into the station's newsroom and NO ONE thought to check with another source to make sure this actually happened! This is the same station that showed the graphic "Man Killed To Death" a few weeks ago. It's also one of the top stations in the market, so, y'know, apparently people love watching a train wreck. That's why so many people watched Britney Spears' reality show. Hey, it could've been worse. It could've been a racist look at Black Friday shoppers last week by a TV station in Baltimore...

Y'know, Black Friday must be really stressful, especially for the REPORTERS...



Personally, I'm sick of the random people who think it's awesome to do stuff during live shots to get on TV. HOWEVER, I do NOT agree with this YouTube poster who decided to use the term "fat kid" in the headline. Not cool, dick.

Hey, give me 30 seconds and I'll give you TWO errors in spelling in a St. Louis newscast. Two things to remember...the town's name is PITTSfield and the word is spelled SOUTHWEST...



Now, for a completely NSFW moment here on Thinking Hard. It's so NSFW, for the first time in a LONG time, I'm posting the link here instead of embedding the video. The Tampa Bay Fox affiliate had to apologize to viewers because during a live postgame show for the Buccaneers last weekend, a camera crew interviewed a player in the locker room...with another player's PENIS being caught on camera behind him! Talk about your "talking head" interviews...

Finally, how do you like your Christmas ruined? Do you prefer to find out from your parents about Santa Claus...or would you rather find out about it from some bitch on an anchor desk? You can thank this Fox Chicago anchor for her efforts in killing Christmas. Her comments start with about :90 left in this clip:

Shopping Mall Santas Scaling Back Kids' Expectations, Profiling Parents: MyFoxCHICAGO.com

YGBFKM! (You gotta be fucking kidding me!) At least they made her apologize and ready angry letters on air...

Is Santa Real? FOX Chicago News Anchor Robin Robinson Apologizes For Saying He's Not: MyFoxCHICAGO.com

That really pisses me off. Moreso than the "fat kid" video earlier. ARGH! I'M SO ANGRY! If only there was something that could make me feel better, like an unexpected developing national network story...

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Ahhh...that's the stuff. A quick note...the staff of Thinking Hard (read: me) is heading for holiday vacation this week, but will make every effort to post the annual "Happy Anniversary" blog while on the road. But if for some reason it doesn't come, just remember we asked Santa to deliver it...and Santa doesn't exist, right, Fox Chicago???

-B-

Pepper Spray...Apparently It's Tasty

Welcome, shoppers, to the Thinking Hard Superstore Black Friday Shoptacular. You'll find aisles of endless deals...like a 400-inch flat-screen TV for just $1. And WE'LL pay YOU if you walk out of the store with ANY computer in our electronics department. Make sure you're armed and dangerous when our doors open at 5am Thanksgiving morning!

Yeah, it's like that. First, some stores opened MUCH earlier this Black Friday than before...mostly because they're not anticipating large holiday crowds because, y'know, the nation's broke. Some opened Thursday night. That pissed off some of the employees who work at those stores. They were upset that their minimum wage job was cutting into their family time. Some advice for those people: don't like it? Grow up and get a real job. Get a career. ANYBODY with an ounce of common sense knows that if you plan to work for any retailer over the holidays, you're going to work shittier hours and deal with more outrageously stupid shoppers. If that doesn't appeal to you, there are newspaper routes and janitorial positions elsewhere. Otherwise, suck it up, because you get Christmas off. (Disclaimer: I have worked retail and I worked retail over the holidays and I know from EXPERIENCE that it sucks...and that's why I pushed myself harder to get a career outside of retail sales.)

And let's talk about the Black Friday shoppers, shall we? We had an arrest for CHILD NEGLECT at a local mall because some stupid woman left her BABY and her 2-YEAR-OLD children in the car at 5am while she went inside to shop. By the way, it was about 30 degrees outside. Well, lady, if you were looking at saving money during the holidays, freezing your kids to death is one way to go... Also, RIDICULOUS amounts of shoppers got into fights at stores across the U.S. Many of those incidents happened at Walmart stores. I don't mean to call Walmart out here (because, hey, I shop there all the time and they have some REALLY good prices on DVDs and food), but come on, shoppers! Yes, some of us joke that Walmart is "Target Of The Damned," but you're not helping STOP that stereotype when (no joke) one of you PEPPER-SPRAYS the other customers in line, just so you can get to the cash register and pay for your stuff! Bunch of idiots that shop at Walmart...and I've seen a LOT of them. And if you ever want to see a retail employee that clearly is pondering suicide, ask a Walmart employee where to find their pet food department. It's like their eyes are just straight black. Hollow. Eerie.

Oh, let's step away from the checkout lanes to discuss pepper spray. Police used pepper spray to get some "Occupy Douchebagia" protestors to leave the University of California. To be fair, the cell phone video shows protestors sitting calmly among the police...and one officer just starts spraying people left and right. The only things missing are police kicking the students and Rodney King looking on saying "Wow, and I thought I had it rough." (google it) Now, I'm sure some of you might be surprised by this, but Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly dropped a comment on Bill O'Reilly's show this week that almost appears to DEFEND the police, implying it's not that bad to be pepper-sprayed. She called it a "food product!"...



After days of internet onslaught, Kelly backpedalled a little to say she wasn't diminishing the actions of police. She just meant to point out that officers were within their rights and what they did becomes more of an ethical question than a legal one. So, yes, Megyn (with a Y) Kelly, pepper spray is essentially a food product...much like pizza is a vegetable. In fact, some bullets in guns are made of iron, which is also present in our bloodstream, so SHOOTING people with iron bullets is more humane than other bullets and should be considered HELPING those people who have natural iron deficiencies in their blood. So, officers, fire away. Let's start with Megyn Kelly, shall we?

Speaking of crazy fucking women that are given WAY too much airtime on Fox News, let's talk about Michele Bachmann. The crazy-eyed GOP presidential candidate made an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and his house band, The Roots, played a catchy tune as Bachmann was introduced. Even Bachmann commented that she liked it...until she learned the name of it. It's called "Lyin' Ass Bitch." THEN Bachmann was outraged...



Mrs. Bachmann, if I may, you are exactly right. The Roots should NOT have played "Lyin' Ass Bitch" as you walked in. It was entirely inappropriate. They SHOULD have played Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch." All I have to do is see you look into a camera and I KNOW that's more accurate.

One more thing before I go...there's a DMV office in Washington, D.C., that EVERYONE should visit. You can get your driver's license...tax stickers...and even find out if you have HIV. That's right. The office gives FREE HIV TESTS. I presume it will also offer condoms to put over your stick shift.

-B-

Job Hunting With Demi, Ashton and Bridget

(A special thanks to start this week's blog to Bridget Russo, for making these pictures possible.)

Hey everyone, I'll try to make this week's blog quick...Ashton's in bed waiting for me. Seriously, Demi's surprised Ashton cheated on her with a younger, less skeletal woman after six years of wedded bliss. I'M more surprised that it took Ashton a WHOLE SIX YEARS to think "Wow, 50's not looking so hot."

Big news this week involving Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. You might remember him as the airline pilot who made an emergency landing in the middle of the Hudson River, saving his entire crew and passengers. It will CONSTANTLY be referred to as the "Miracle on the Hudson." (See also this blog, which referred to the whole media debacle as the Cirque du Sully) Well, this week, he flew a vintage-ish plane for charity. After he landed, another pilot took off to fly the plane away...but had to make a (wait for it) EMERGENCY LANDING at the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina. Holy crap, Sully! What's up with the planes you're in? You MUST be the world's most dangerous man! In fact, I don't think flying planes is a dangerous enough job for you. You've heard of the cable show "Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe"? I propose a show called "Dangerous Jobs with Sully...Don't Laugh at My Nickname or I'll Fly Your Plane." Seriously, can you imagine how he'd do at some other jobs?...

Knife salesman. Who better to sell you a set of the sharpest Ginsu knives in the world?? For an added bonus, his infomercial would show him juggling the knives...blindfolded...strapped to the wing of a plane in mid-air...with STILL enough ability to notice when the plane's pilot passed out, so he'd walk up to the cockpit and land the plane safely. In a river. Because it's kind of his thing now. And in his first interview after the averted disaster, his first comments would be "NOW how much would you expect to pay???"

The weird guy who sticks his head in an alligator's mouth. Okay, first, what kind of medical and dental do these guys get, because I'm sort of looking for a new job. Second, how has Sully NOT done this yet? He'd be perfect! The absolute calmest man to ever try it. Wait...is he wearing ALLIGATOR BOOTS? OH MY GOD, HE'S ALREADY DONE IT...AND THE ALLIGATOR LOST!! I envision his last words to that alligator were "Take that, you croc-sucker." Or not. Sully seems pretty clean with his language. I imagine in the cockpit of the Miracle on the Hudson flight, as the plane went down, he shouted "Holy...COW!" and then after the flight he apologized to his co-pilot about the language.

Rancher. Cowboy. Call it what you will, but the mere job has been the prime example for everything macho in the U.S. for decades. It seems like everyone who slaps on that 10-gallon hat suddenly becomes a chick magnet, never mind the alligator boots. Sully would probably still trade the cowboy hat for his pilot's cap. And can you imagine what he'd do to the guys who'd try to steal his cattle? He'd stop them in their middle-of-the-night thievery and say "Gentlemen, I believe you're lost. This is not your farm." And they'd run away in fear. Because Sully is that awesome.

UPS driver. Ladies, have you ever seen a man sexier than some of the guys they hire to drive the UPS vans?...what?...that's a woman??...ew. But think about it. He's the perfect choice. He had more experience with Brown than most people...did you CHECK the underwear of the passengers on the Miracle on the Hudson plane? It's a good thing they landed in a dirty river: "What? No, of COURSE I didn't crap my pants! I must've picked up something from the Hudson."

Window washer. One of my favorites. C'mon, this suits Sully so PERFECTLY. Consider this: window washers spend most of their days HUNDREDS of feet in the air. For Sully, that would be like going from riding the Regurgitron 5000 roller coaster to the Ladybug kiddie ride! And as a pilot, he has to pay close attention to meticulous details, just like a window washer making sure he didn't miss any spots...as well as making sure the brakes are set on the platform hanging hundreds of feet in the air. And don't have any safety concerns for Sully. If the platform starts falling, he'll find a way to land that thing in a bucket of water.

Finally, the job with the most potential danger of all...

Look, there's GREAT potential for screaming kids at any ice cream parlor. And even though the PASSENGERS of Sully's flights are WELL-accustomed to the hollering and bawling of small children (parents, PLEASE give us ear plugs...it's the humane thing to do), Sully himself is not. He's locked in a soundproof cockpit with a headset on, listening to air traffic control chatter. In fact, I imagine he considered a career as a flight attendant, but decided to be a pilot instead JUST so he could avoid hearing the screaming young'uns. (Great name for a band, by the way...Screaming Young'uns) So if he dared work at an ice cream parlor, he'd practice the one skill he'd absolutely need to prevent a child from crying. Picture this: a child orders a single scoop of Rocky Road ice cream. Sully scoops it up and politely hands it to the child. The child takes one lick of the ice cream...and bumps the scoop off the cone, sending it plummeting to the floor. Sully, wasting no time, goes all Matrix-like and DIVES over the counter, reaching out his arm just as the ice cream barrels toward the linoleum. And at the last possible second GRABS the scoop and places it back on the child's cone, thus averting disaster. Because, you know, that's how he rolls.

Before I leave you today, a quick update on the Penn State scandal...and quite a shocker on national TV this week:

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Bob Costas would later recount that he had planned a sit-down interview with Sandusky's attorney and about ten minutes before air time, that attorney said "What if I could get Jerry on the phone?" Attorney for Jerry Sandusky...the one job even SULLY isn't crazy enough to do.

-B-

Three Quick Punchlines...

If an older woman is into younger guys, she's called a Cougar.

1. If an older GUY is into younger GUYS, is he called a Nittany Lion?
2. If a black pizza entrepreneur is into women looking for jobs, is he called a Republican Presidential Candidate?
3. ....um...hang on, I'll remember it...the EPA?

That's right...BIG week in news for us here at Thinking Hard. We pretty much had a giant newsgasm. And who would've thought that the big story to start the week would be so easily forgotten? GOP Presidential Candidate Herman Cain is being accused now by four women who say he sexually harassed them and even tried to push one's head into his lap to...um..."examine his zipper." At least two of them were paid off several years ago and still came forward. STILL not enough to knock him off the top of some of the latest GOP polls. That's basically like the republicans saying "Hey, that's a lot better than what I did with my teenage stepson last night."

And that leads us right into another big news story...the sex scandal that rocked Penn State. Seems quite a few years ago, a grad assistant caught one of the football team's coaching staff raping a player in the showers. So he reported it to coach Joe Paterno...who reported it to HIS superiors...who did nothing. In this entire chain of command of "good ol' boys," NO ONE CALLED THE POLICE. It's like the Catholic Church. Now, don't get me wrong...the offending staff member (perhaps I should use neither "staff" nor "member" in this story) lost his key to the boys' locker room. Wow. It cost the National Restaurant Association more to sweep the Herman Cain stuff under the rug than this ACTUAL CASE OF RAPE. So, as you can imagine, the students at Penn State took to the streets of the campus to defend the victim...Joe Paterno. That's right. In a tribute to the true classiness of Penn State, they RIOTED after the university fired Paterno this week, not making any comments about how they feel bad for the REAL victim (the player) but instead taking up for the man who THEY believe was the victim (Joe Paterno). Hell, even that idiot Ashton Kutcher tweeted his support for Joe Pa because he thought the coach was being pushed out because of his age...and not, y'know, because he helped cover up a rape case on campus. In the midst of the melee on Penn State's campus, students even tipped over a live news truck, which the station later reports could have started a large fire/explosion because it started leaking gasoline. So, with a couple of exceptions, to the entire campus of Penn State...Fuck. You. You whiny, bitchy bunch of pussies who think football is the only thing that matters. You uninformed, poorly educated miscreants. You pieces of shit. I wonder how YOU'D react if someone you trusted (i.e., a coach, a father, a priest) betrayed that trust in the most horrible way possible by inserting his penis into your body without ANY agreement on your part...then you kept it quiet because of the way others viewed your attacker. I find myself often disappointed by the human race's desire to continue procreating and adding more people to this planet, but you, Penn State students, you make me think of the 4-year-old children I hear screaming and crying in the store because they can't have a little toy, totally oblivious to the fact that their mothers can't afford the toy and can barely afford FOOD to put on the TABLE. But I guess some thanks are in order. Thank you for proving that this new generation is a generation of selfish fucking bastards with absolutely no regard to their common man. Football above all, right? Assholes.

*sigh* Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Now, let's hit that third big news story of the week, which was, uh...um...er...

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Indecision 2012 - Mercy Rule Edition
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(side note: even though I was ready and waiting for the Rick Perry jokes here, I still fell for the intro about the three funniest movies Adam Sandler has been in...and only being able to name two...because Sandler hasn't done anything TRULY funny since Happy Gilmore...and Jack & Jill has "giant turd" written all over it)

And now, the bonus. Here at Thinking Hard, we offer you the big stories...but we also offer you a story or two you might not have heard about. This time, it's a story out of Minneapolis, Minnesota. A reporter thought he stumbled onto the story of the lifetime...a puppy mill was raising dogs not for pets, but for food. The reporter thought he found a connection that the mill sent the dogs to New York's Chinatown. He even called one place and asked if they sold dog meat...and the person on the phone said yes. Turns out, there was something a little lost in translation. The person on the other end of the phone thought the reporter said DUCK meat, which the business DOES sell. But it does NOT sell DOG meat. Apparently, the puppy mill DID send some living dogs, but the shipment was intended for a PET STORE and the address was just incorrectly labeled. The New York Health Department investigated and found no evidence of dog meat being sold. So, the reporter is in the DOGHOUSE and has a little egg on his face. Tell you what...let's allow people in Taiwan's popular news agency to make things a little worse for him:



Delightful. I think that reporter needs to book a trip to a secluded island for a while. He can fly RyanAir, which announced this week it's looking at offering in-flight porn. But only in the COCKpit.

-B-

Kim Kardashian's Single Again!

...so, you know, if you're a professional athlete who makes a shit-ton of money, is at least PARTLY african-american, and is blind, deaf AND stupid (gotta be all three), she's available.

Something that should be noted off the top of this thing: Andy Rooney has died. The LONGtime 60 Minutes correspondent passed away Friday...thus proving that the only thing keeping him alive all these years was bitching about random shit in a public forum. So that means I'LL be around for a while yet.

Also, let me get THIS out of the way...if you see me in a bar or a club or something, I'm 6'8". This should save you any time of walking up to me, shouting near-incoherently "How tall are you???" and then walking away when I tell you. True story. I don't think that chick knew how to respond.

Hey, it's (off-year) Election Day this Tuesday! That means many (okay, just a few) voters will hit the polls this week to support their (mayoral, city council or school board) candidate! Go team! Okay, let's not kid ourselves...this year's Election Day means shit. It's NEXT year's Election Day that's the big one. Will Herman "Would you like fries with that shake...wait, come back, what'd I say??" Cain be the GOP's pick for president? Will it be Mitt "Seriously, I'm only giving this one more shot before going back to my used car lot" Romney? Rick Perry seemed pretty popular...until the speech in New Hampshire:

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You might have noticed Stewart taking a jab or two at Herman Cain...that apparently upset one of New York's most upstanding citizens:

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Today's lesson: our blacks are better than their blacks. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go ask Justin Bieber to impregnate my sister.

-B-

Know Fear

Ah, happy Halloween, one and all. Welcome to the time of year when everything you fear comes to the forefront to taunt and tickle you. This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite times of the year. So keep your eyes and ears open for that extra chill and the occasional ghostly laugh.

That said, what really frightens me THIS year is the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters. They've been out there long enough to look AND smell like the walking dead. But you can tell they're not zombies yet...even ZOMBIES are more focused in what they want than the protesters. The Wall Street Occupiers would likely say "Braaaains...well, maybe a lower income taxxxxx...and more jobsssssss...how about those unionssss...and regulate Wall Streettttttt...THEN maybe a brain or twooooooo." But the protests have started to get violent. People in Oakland were hit with tear gas and other non-lethal weapons as police tried to get them to move along. Let's take a look at some of the crime at the protests in Portland, Oregon, as presented briefly on a TV station there:

*facepalm* Well, at least now I know that graphic designer is VERY afraid this time of year. Jobbbbbbbb...and braaaaaaaains...

(By the way, what frightens ME most this year is the report that Lindsay Lohan is posing in Playboy. Ew. Why would I pay to see something I could see for free in any New York clinic?)

-B-

Libya and Lohan

Welcome back, everyone, and let's just get this week's big news story out of the way first:

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No'Amor Qaddafi
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Ah, Fox and FIENDS. I'm going to start calling him Steve DOUCHEY. Anyway, congratulations to Libya for successfully running the "Pizza-Delivery-Turned-Execution" scam. Let's see what legendary singer Harry Belafonte thinks about it:



Oh. Maybe we should check out how the Charlotte CBS station reporting the breaking news:

(Quick note: that station has dropped ALL KINDS of misspellings and grammatical errors on their graphics lately...but that is BY FAR the funniest.)

Maybe we can get a comment from the brother of South Carolina's Lieutenant Governor...



Or not. And we could have asked the morning show at WPIX to report on Gadhafi, but they were talking high heels...and orgasms...and they were apparently drinking:



I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will at least have something to say. She's working in the morgue, so I'm sure she'll come across Gadhafi's body (take that whichever way you prefer). After all, that's her punishment for showing up late to her original community service. Well, at least now we can CONFIRM Lohan's career is dead.

-B-

Good Mourning, Angels

Another one's biting the dust, kids! This is my SECOND favorite time of year for television (right behind Premiere Week)...when all of the new shows that absolutely suck are cut from the network lineups...and others, which are apparently fucking a leprachaun, suck but are STILL granted a full season.

Since Hollywood is obsessed with remaking proven franchises and not gambling on new(er) ideas, Hawaii Five-O was recreated with some success for CBS last season. So a group of writers decided to remake Charlie's Angels for ABC this season...with no success. Minka Kelly, you can go back to acting in...whatever it is you act in...because ABC has canned the show. I believe the show will end up having 6-8 episodes this season. That's roughly the same number of SEASONS that its predecessor aired back in the day. I think that only goes to show you: hot chicks fighting crime will only get you so far. Unless your name is Nikita.

Now I have to frantically go change my costume for Halloween. Wearing a white strapless pantsuit and calling everyone I meet "Charlie" now seems passe.

-B-

Gotcha, Journalism

Wow, Hard Thinkers, what a week in politics! Big news! Former Alaska governor and current gene-pool reject Sarah Palin says she's NOT running for president in 2012! I'm shocked!...no wait, I'm not. I was more shocked to find out soylent green is people. I was more shocked to find out circus peanuts will NOT make "circus peanut butter." Let's face it. Sarah Palin was never going to run for president unless people dropped to their knees every time they saw her stupid campaign-but-not-really-a-campaign bus, arriving in cities where she could easily draw some of the attention away from the ACTUAL candidates. She's like that bratty little brother or sister who, every time you brought home a paper with an "A" on it from school, would drop some beautiful knowledge like "Well, I saw Timmy Smith pick his nose and eat his booger! And then we called him Booger Brain! And then we laughed because we thought it was funny! And then I wondered what boogers taste like...because I'm awesome!" Sarah Palin's bus had more useless shit in it than ANYTHING Bret Michaels was a part of (Rock of Love? Nobody?). Simply put, Sarah Palin is a cocktease. She held her presidential campaign out in front of potential voters (all 5 of them) like she tempts Todd with her stretch marks on a nightly basis: "Oh, come on now, dontcha know there Todd...dontcha think this mark here is SEEEXXXY? Ya know, you can still kinda see a little bit of Trig's little baby penis in this mark right here...wait, where are ya goin'?" Palin's the person that injects herself into group conversations because she thinks she's interesting and attractive...and doesn't realize that everyone else hates her. I AM that guy! I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! So now she's just a bitch who left her job before her contract was up without having any sights on another REAL job (yes, that's a dig at Fox News) and who's taking care of her young daughter and THAT daughter's baby. Seriously, I kinda expect the Palins to show up on Hillbilly Handfishin' and say "Hey, this is a LOT fancier than how we do it at home!"

Not to be overlooked, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced AGAIN this week that he will NOT be running for president. Yes, the guy who directed people asking if he would run to a website that featured 2 minutes of clips of him saying "No, I will not run" 80 different ways had to AGAIN repeat himself and say he's not running. 1. The republicans are getting desperate for a candidate (as proven by Herman Cain's surprising rise in the polls) and 2. Republicans don't pay attention, as proven in 2004 when they re-elected "W" and yet now they complain that we shouldn't have gotten into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Keepin' in classy, GOP. I'm-a let my boy, Jon Stewart, drop a little knowledge on Chris Christie's LATEST "No, I'm STILL not running" news conference:

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Now, some quick hits:

*Steve Jobs died this week...man, he was REALLY disappointed there was no Iphone 5 announcement.

*Dear "Occupy Wall Street" protesters: you're only slightly less ridiculous than the Tea Party protesers. But you need two things. 1. More direction...the protests should not be a "Aw, come on out and be angry at whatever you like, even if your cat's litter box has nothing to do with Wall Street." 2. Get a map...the Brooklyn Bridge is NOT Wall Street. In fact, Google Maps tells me Wall Street doesn't cross any body of water. See how easy that was! Just go to Google!

*For those of you taking part in the office pool, NBC's racy "The Playboy Club" is the first new show of the new season to get canceled...not because it's so risque, but no one gives a shit anymore about Playboy unless the bunnies are "getting married" (*snicker*) to Hef. (c'mon, Sarah Palin will run for president before Hef gets married) The second show to get cut? NBC's latest theft from the BBC sitcom department, "Free Agents." Hey, NBC, you got lucky with "The Office." You can stop now.

And now, it's time for "This Week in TV News Fuck-ups"...

First, let's go big with Good Morning America. The show ran a story on the Conrad Murray trial. You remember Murray...he's the guy on trial for making Michael Jackson in worse shape than he was when he was accused of being a child molester. So they ran a computer animation of a procedure doctors did to try to save Jackson, but whoever made the animation misspelled "balloon." Someone caught it and made a note to fix it, but they were apparently out of Post-It Notes:

Hey, that's actually a great move...I can't even TELL "balloon" is misspelled anymore. Mike Moskowitz will update his resume.

Next up, your five-day forecast for the greater Orlando area. Be sure to pack a jacket Saturday morning:

"And coming up for the weekend, it looks like we have a 100% chance of a frozen apocalypse...so be sure to bring those plants inside!"

Finally, it looks like someone found a way to make those local TV sports shows interesting:



Nah, not interesting enough...it's getting canceled with "The Playboy Club." On the plus side, Sarah Palin just figured out what word to throw on the side of her bus in 2016.

-B-

Greetings To Our Readers In The Netherlands...Or Who Are Searching For Naked Snooki Pics

No joke, wandering through the stats of who finds Thinking Hard via Google searches is pretty fascinating. We recently had a european visitor who was looking for an image of Don Swayze with his more talented (and deceased) brother, Patrick. You're welcome. You can thank us by sending us your marijuana.

Speaking of drugs, I swear EVERY SINGLE republican running for U.S. President is high. Has anyone actually been WATCHING the debates? Check this out...

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To be fair to American Idol, I'm sure Paula Abdul would vote for Palin...in the democratic primary.

Hey, while I'm talking about things that are batshit crazy (BSC), let's consider the big story on Capitol Hill this week. A news publication had day-long Twitter coverage of a hostage situation in Congress, with leading members of Congress holding a group of schoolchildren hostage. Before you blow a gasket, the publication in question is The Onion. You know, the SATIRICAL, ENTIRELY FAKE newspaper. So it begs the question of WHY Capitol Police feel the need to LAUNCH AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE REPORTS???? Really, officers? The rest of America gets the joke...but not you? You hear a "Knock, knock" joke and you immediately go to the door to see who's there? And these guys are the ones in charge of protecting our lawmakers in Washington! I'm fully aware the police probably get the joke and are just upset that someone made a mockery of them. In that vein, I'm going to launch an investigation into my crazy aunt who sent me a birthday card that implied I'm so old, the candles on my cake could burn down the city. That's like yelling "Fire!" in a crowded movie theater!

And now, a final thought from James, the narcoleptic news anchor...



That guy throws 20 extra Zs in Syracuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

-B-

Did You Know Camels Have Toes?

Third post in a week...I must be drunk on power. Anyway, check out this special visit by two Playboy bunnies to the WGN (in Chicago) weather screen. It turns out everything about one bunny is invisible...except her vagina:



Insert your own "dense moisture" joke here.
-B-

That's Right...Two Posts In A Week!

For those of you who only tune in on Sundays for the latest hard thoughts, keep scrolling down after today's installment to check out the special MID-WEEK post! It's fantastic!...or not...

I'm not even going to touch the most recent republican presidential debate this week. After cheering Texas for executing the most inmates, some people in the audience of this week's debate booed a gay soldier's question from Youtube for the candidates about the liberties of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Methinks thou dost protest TOO much. Seriously, why do people have to be a bunch of bigoted assholes? These are the same people who defend our right to invade other countries. So, basically they're saying "Let's invade another country!...but not that gay guy...we don't want him in the middle of a war...so he can survive...so he can come visit me in my closet...wait, what?"

Hey, ladies, do you know what your boyfriends/husbands hate doing, besides talking about their feelings? And listening to you complain about how you have to have children NOW before your "biological clock" runs out? It's shopping at IKEA. So the swedes did something nice for the fellas:

That's IKEA's new Manland. Guys can get dropped off while their ladies shop...and watch TV, relax on a sofa and eat a free hot dog. It saves men from asking "I have to assemble THAT?" until they get home.

For those of you who still buy books printed on paper (and not e-readers), you might know that Borders is now closed. The bookstore chain gave me many pleasant memories (and coupons for 40% off) before it up and died. But apparently there were some employees of the store that were unhappy while the business was still OPEN. Check out THIS sign posted at a Borders store by the employees:

Can you imagine what will happen when Walmart closes? "Dear shoppers, our nametags don't say 'Hey, Bitch' so please stop naming us that...especially the men...unless we ASK for it."

-B-

It's Shit Like This That Makes Chicago Awesome

Yeah, I know, I don't normally blog during the week, but this...

...is apparently a thing. And that is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! They don't have MUCH of a webpage, but here is a link to check it out. Also on the list of Skeeball League cities...CHARLOTTE, NORTH F'N CAROLINA, HOME OF THE THINKING HARD CASTLE!!! Charlotte's webpage, incidentally, isn't very exciting. It's just an email address. Sign up now for a Thinking Hard Skeeball team...and grab those huge, hard balls.

-B-

Help, I've Been Kidnapped By A Member Of "Journey"

...nope, STILL don't care about the kidnapping/tryst of Michaela Salahi. I imagine I'll see her gate-crashing the Democratic National Convention here in Charlotte next year, though.

Hey, special day here at the Thinking Hard offices as I turn a year older today. Nothing reminds a guy how old he is like a co-worker in her early 20s ask "What's layaway?" That aside, I went to my very first NFL tailgate yesterday at the Panthers/Packers game. It was pretty fun, considering I don't have a vested interest in either team, nor did I have tickets to the game itself. But fun nonetheless. However, it was not my favorite moment in football this week. THIS clip of an ABC/ESPN commentator during Monday night's Dolphins/Patriots game was my favorite moment...listen closely at the 29 second mark and see if you can tell which word the censors SHOULD have caught:



But that's only my SECOND-favorite televised highlight from a sports commentator. Check out THIS clip following Saturday's "controversial" (I guess? I don't watch much boxing) title fight featuring Floyd Mayweather (who the crowd apparently does not care for very much). This is the post-match interview, and it starts a little slow, but it's TOTALLY worth the payoff at the end of the 2-and-a-half minute clip:



Oh, hey, did anyone catch that NBC's Twitter feed was hacked on the Friday before 9/11 and the hackers wrote there was a terror attack at ground zero? Let's hear it for news stations using Twitter as an ACTUAL NEWS SOURCE. Any newsmen from the 80s are sitting there shaking their heads because they remember the "good ol' days" when sources had to be confirmed and news stations had to stand by their reports. Ah, nostalgia. (PS: Fuck you, Twitter.)

All right, this is my stop. I have to go look at leaked photos of Scarlett Johansson naked go party up birthday or something like that. I would like quickly to thank all of you who read this for supporting my weekly ramblings. It is my hope that you find SOMETHING each week that entertains you. And if not, I'll brave the cease and desist order and post the Scarlett pics.

-B-

There Was Something I Was Supposed To Remember...

Ah, yes, it's September 11th...again. And on this, the tenth anniversary of the devastating terror attacks, the media are insistent upon showing every single news story and TV program they have in the vault that has anything to do with Ground Zero. So when the media say "Never Forget," they REALLY mean "(we will) Never (let you) Forget (as long as you keep giving us big ratings every time 9/11 rolls around)." Well, in honor of 9/11, we here at Thinking Hard have a few OTHER things we don't want you to forget:

*Never forget...that even though there are almost ten different republicans vying for the White House, there are really only two that stand a chance (and the American people apparently LOVE the death penalty)...

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*Never forget...that one Saturday Night Live sketch from at least ten years ago where Alec Baldwin appears as a chef (of sorts) with the last name of Schweddy (pronounced "Shweaty") on an NPR talk show talking about his famous food product, the Schweddy Balls. Funny for its time...a DECADE ago...but apparently Ben & Jerry's just got the joke because that's their new flavor of ice cream: Schweddy Balls. It has some chocolate/rum balls in the ice cream. Dear Ben & Jerry's, I have a joke that you probably haven't heard/understood yet: "Knock, knock..."

*Never forget...that spiders are no joking matter:



(Right, Holly?)

*Finally, never forget...that the assholes who decide they want to start a holy war in other countries are just assholes that represent a small group of assholes in an otherwise HUGE world of people. Don't take out the acts of a few dicks on an entire population of people who follow one religion. Remember, Americans are probably viewed as a bunch of dicks who invade countries (like Afghanistan and Iraq...where Bin Laden was NOT hiding), but only a PART of our population agreed with the military insurgence in those countries. Can't we all just get along?

-B-

Rocked Me Like A Hurricane

So, Irene DID cause some death and destruction last weekend...I guess now I have to apologize to her. I'm sorry, Irene. But thank you...for beautiful TV moments like THIS reporter, who thought SEWER foam was SEA foam. Tip: don't be eating anything while you watch this clip:

Reporter Gives Update Covered In Sea Foam: MyFoxNY.com

(Update: city officials say that this sea foam is actually sea foam...without sewage. *sigh* At least it gave me a laugh for about four days.)

But there's a much BIGGER media storm brewing. It's called the "Comedy Central Roast." Oh, wait until they get a load of THIS year's roastee: Charlie Sheen. Yes, you read that right. The kids over at Comedy Central are going to roast Charlie Sheen. In what's usually a no-holds-barred session of bashing of the guest of honor, it should prove to be entertaining up until the point when Sheen gets HIS turn on the microphone...and then it'll just get BSC (I'm bringing it back, kids...Bat Shit Crazy). But what's perhaps the MOST insane move is one of the roasters. MIKE F'N TYSON will be roasting Charlie Sheen! What is Comedy Central thinking??? Do they not recall when The Situation bombed HORRIBLY during the Donald Trump roast??? (I posted that clip a few months ago here on the blog...go searching for it) And as one media agency reported, you have a wife-beater/rapist roasting a hooker-beater/drug addict. So, you know, there's that.

I'm currently chilling in Chicago with the fam, but we'll be back from our On Location shoot for next week's blog. And hopefully, I won't be flying back to Charlotte on "Abstinence Air." Seriously, it's like the people that board that flight saw Oprah outside the terminal shouting "You get a screaming kid! You get a screaming kid! And YOU get a screaming kid! EVERYBODY gets a screaming kid!!" Ugh.

-B-

Thinking Hard: The ORIGINAL East Coast Natural Disaster

I also toyed with calling this week's installment "Eff you, Irene" (you're welcome, Holly). Yes, if you're reading this on Saturday, you'll recognize this is an EARLY blog post. That's because I'm working Sunday morning because of this "frightening" hurricane that's now a Category ONE (as of Saturday, 8/26, 4am)...oooo, scarrrry. Now, don't get me wrong. When this storm was forecast as barrelling right at Charlotte (where I live) back on Tuesday, I was a little concerned. I don't do well with watersports, but I was ready to buy a kayak in case the water made it to my 2nd-floor apartment. But now, it's not going to do anything to my neck of the woods. I just stepped outside and felt a solid breeze, but that's it. Yet the local media insists on extended coverage of the storm that no one here gives a shit about...unless they have beachfront property, which, in that case, fuck them. So the storm is expected to make landfall here in a little while, then head north to New York where people are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. To be clear, I DO understand that the city was built on a harbor of the ocean and any hurricane problems could cause a soggy Big Apple. But New York has already freaked out once this week for something that wasn't major: an east coast earthquake. Yes, a 5.8 earthquake hit Virginia this week and spread outward. My co-workers in Charlotte felt it. I did not. I was disappointed as I really wanted to feel a tame earthquake, just to say I had felt it. The quake also spread to New York, where video footage this week showed people "escaping disaster" by heading TO THE ROOF OF 30 ROCK! Are you guys fucking kidding me??? You DO understand gravity, right? I know it's a long way down to street-level for some of you...and if any buildings fall into the street, you're dead...but if you're on the TOP of a TALL BUILDING when something SHAKES IT or BRINGS IT DOWN, there's a good chance you WILL PLUMMET TO YOUR DEATH (see also 9/11/01). Perhaps your building's disaster plan should be fine-tuned. Fortunately, no one died in this week's quake, but the Washington Monument has some cracks in it, so it's going to be extracted and replaced with a wooden monument. (what...no one reading this blog studies history? COME ON! I'm trying to make a clean historical joke about George Washington's wooden dentures!)

One thing I AM excited about is the bevy (great word) of new words in Merriam-Webster's dictionary this week. Keep in mind, this is different than the Oxford English Dictionary's annual list of new words. Merriam-Webster is just catching up. An example of how far behind the old M-W is: they just added "cougar." Seriously? Cougars have been in the lexicon for YEARS! Also added: bromance, which has been around as long as Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have been sleeping together "working on movies together." Also: duathlon. Really? How has THIS not been in the dictionary? I would've thought it would be listed in the "see also" section under TRIathlon. How about this one: parkour. Yes, parkour, James Hartsell. The internet fad of the early 2000s is FINALLY making it into the dictionary, now that it's no longer relevant. Way to go, Merriam (and don't you go trying to blame Webster for this one!). Honestly, the only word the dictionary's adding that's TRULY relevant right now is the same one that makes me want to burn every copy of the dictionary I own: tweet. Merriam-Webster, see also "How I Feel About Hurricane Irene." Dicks.

-B-