Welcome to this Memorial Day Weekend edition of Thinking Hard...which will have nothing to do with Memorial Day.
Hey, remember that crazy story about Arnold Schwarzenegger having a love-child? TMZ (yes, THAT TMZ) is reporting Maria Shriver was the one who leaked the news about the affair to the media! Holy shit! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...by another woman who is equally as unattractive. TMZ says Maria actually wanted to hold a news conference and announce all the sordid details publicly. But her friends "talked her off the ledge" and she leaked the information instead. TMZ also says she was unhappy in the marriage for almost two years and just hadn't gotten around to filing for divorce. The matter of divorce is not something to joke about, especially for the couple (and children, if there are any) involved...so I won't. What I WILL say is Maria and Arnold both made a terrible decision in getting married anyway. It's clear she at least respected the institution of marriage if she spent two years unhappy without filing for divorce. HE, on the other hand, couldn't wait to find a woman who wasn't so brittle. Bottom line, the institution of marriage isn't what it was 20 or 30 years ago. People get married at the drop of a hat nowadays...and think having children is the way to feel better about it when things get rough. Seriously? The kids might as well be born singing the lyrics of one of my favorite Stabbing Westward songs: "I can not save you...you can't even save yourself."
Speaking of people doing bat-shit crazy (bringin' back the BSC, baby!) things with children, the Casey Anthony murder trial is in full swing. You'll remember her as the Florida woman who killed her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, then went out clubbing and groped other women and men. (a side note: I apparently attract BSC women because the first time I saw this chick, I thought she was hot) This week, her lawyers suggested her FATHER helped get rid of the toddler's body AND molested Casey when she was younger. But my favorite part of the trial was the media coverage... specifically when reporters LITERALLY tried to trip up the defense team:
What the *bleep* indeed.
While I'm on the subject of reasonably attractive women who turn out to be cold-blooded bitches, let's talk a moment about Katy Perry. Yeah, I easily overlooked the BSC in HER eyes and thought she might be nice. It turns out she's not. The Smoking Gun website got a hold of her contractual agreement with limo drivers while she's on tour. The paperwork says drivers may not
stare at the back seat in the rearview mirror. The driver also may not converse with her, nor ask for autographs or pictures, and especially not while driving. (THAT part I understand) The driver is not even supposed to open the door for Perry -- her security will do that. Perry also likes the
presidential suite in a five-star hotel, but absolutely no carnations in her dressing room. Ah, I can't wait until Thinking Hard makes ME rich and famous...so I can make ludicrous requests and basically act like a dick. I mean, it's not like the limo driver is gonna throw shit at her or anything. Not like those rude basketball fans did to Charles Barkley:
Not as funny as Tracy Morgan calling Sarah Palin a hot piece of ass during the TNT pre-game, but still..
-B-
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Did I Sleep Through The Rapture?
Man, I WISH something would happen that I can talk about in my blog...oh, wait...
Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted this week to fathering a child with one of his housekeepers. She had the child TEN YEARS AGO... and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Maria Shriver only JUST found out! What, did she just MISS the little latino kid with the huge f'n gap in his top front teeth??? Everyone's been jumping on the "Sperminator" and "True Lies" jokes based on Ah-nold's movies...we here at Thinking Hard go a little deeper (pun intended). So go see Ah-nold's new movies: "Eraper" and "End of Lays." By the way, have you SEEN the housekeeper he slept with? Ew.
Also in the "Men Are Dumb When It Comes To Sex" category, the former head of the International Monetary Fund is charged with raping a maid at a hotel in New York City. Hopefully he at least gave her a good tip. (haha...triple entendre!)
And that brings us back to Osama bin Laden...which I'll let Jon Stewart handle:
Oh yeah...Donald Trump's not running for president. Shocker.
You know, the only thing that would've made this week MORE fun would be if Jon Stewart went on Bill O'Reilly's show to debate the appearance of rapper Common (no relation to Waka Flocka) at the White House Def Poetry Jam...oh, wait...
Honestly, if the two of them had a show together, I'd watch it nightly.
The next date of the end of the world is sometime in 2012. Get your tickets now. And to the guy who blew ALL of his savings on billboards, ads, etc. on warning people the world would end yesterday: I'll take you to see "The Hangover 2."
-B-
Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted this week to fathering a child with one of his housekeepers. She had the child TEN YEARS AGO... and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Maria Shriver only JUST found out! What, did she just MISS the little latino kid with the huge f'n gap in his top front teeth??? Everyone's been jumping on the "Sperminator" and "True Lies" jokes based on Ah-nold's movies...we here at Thinking Hard go a little deeper (pun intended). So go see Ah-nold's new movies: "Eraper" and "End of Lays." By the way, have you SEEN the housekeeper he slept with? Ew.
Also in the "Men Are Dumb When It Comes To Sex" category, the former head of the International Monetary Fund is charged with raping a maid at a hotel in New York City. Hopefully he at least gave her a good tip. (haha...triple entendre!)
And that brings us back to Osama bin Laden...which I'll let Jon Stewart handle:
Oh yeah...Donald Trump's not running for president. Shocker.
You know, the only thing that would've made this week MORE fun would be if Jon Stewart went on Bill O'Reilly's show to debate the appearance of rapper Common (no relation to Waka Flocka) at the White House Def Poetry Jam...oh, wait...
Honestly, if the two of them had a show together, I'd watch it nightly.
The next date of the end of the world is sometime in 2012. Get your tickets now. And to the guy who blew ALL of his savings on billboards, ads, etc. on warning people the world would end yesterday: I'll take you to see "The Hangover 2."
-B-
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Two And A Half Meh (Now Fortified With Ashton Kutcher)
Well, Jon Cryer, you had a good run at it.
Hey, welcome back to the almost-as-spectacular-as-#200 blog #201 here at Thinking Hard. Seriously, I did a SHITload of drinking in celebration of last week's momentous occasion. Sure, I might have done a striptease the next day at work, but I didn't do NEARLY as bad as THESE newspeople behaving badly:
(Thanks James for tracking down this video.)
Sometimes, it's just an occasional subtle misspelling:
(It's SEPARATED...with two As)
(Um, you have just one extra I there...too bad that was a commercial. I bet someone got bitch-slapped for that one.)
Or you could just be thenews director former news director at WSYR. He resigned this week after an email was sent out to the ENTIRE STATION that he was having an affair with a consumer affairs reporter. This wasn't just a "reply all" situation. This was intentionally sent out to every person with a company email address. The reporter is still employed. Many at the station believe the news director's DAUGHTER sent out the email using her father's account. "Yeah, Dad, fuck you! That's for all those nights when you crept into my bedroom and asked me if I wanted to work out with your Shake Weight 'Toddlers & Tiaras' pageants!"
But you know me...almost no one in news will be a bigger douchebag than anyone at Fox News...
Man, I wish I worked for a place where an idle conversation of "You'll never guess what I heard..." or "Hey, I hear Billy Graham is in the hospital..." turns into the top story of the week.
-B-
Hey, welcome back to the almost-as-spectacular-as-#200 blog #201 here at Thinking Hard. Seriously, I did a SHITload of drinking in celebration of last week's momentous occasion. Sure, I might have done a striptease the next day at work, but I didn't do NEARLY as bad as THESE newspeople behaving badly:
(Thanks James for tracking down this video.)
Sometimes, it's just an occasional subtle misspelling:
(It's SEPARATED...with two As)
(Um, you have just one extra I there...too bad that was a commercial. I bet someone got bitch-slapped for that one.)
Or you could just be the
But you know me...almost no one in news will be a bigger douchebag than anyone at Fox News...
Man, I wish I worked for a place where an idle conversation of "You'll never guess what I heard..." or "Hey, I hear Billy Graham is in the hospital..." turns into the top story of the week.
-B-
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Blog #200!...Say Hi To Ya Mutha For Me
Woohoo! We've reached the 200th installment of Thinking Hard! If only we had a reason to celebrate... I'll warn you now, this blog's a little video-heavy. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I just went with a few..um..."friends" for a...uh..."hunting trip" to Paki...er...Liechtenstein last weekend, then we went...um..."fishing" with the proper "bait," but still didn't catch that swordfish I was hoping for. I had to take a much smaller...um..."trophy" and stuff it and mount it on my wall. And that's why there are no pictures.
Seriously, I can't do this story justice. Jon?
Meanwhile, local news outlets scrambled to get this story on the air. Here was how it looked to (no surprise) a Fox station in Sacramento, CA:
And here's how the brits got it wrong on BBC News's website:
And, yes, even our two local morning anchors here in town did it. The male anchor mixed up "Obama" and "Osama." And the female anchor started talking about "Vice President Bin Laden." So it happens. But when I first saw the breaking news on Sunday night, one of my big thoughts was "FINALLY! An international news story that will WARRANT the attention it's about to get!" Not like that abortion of a social event...the royal (?) wedding of Willie and Kate. And because I'm feeling generous today, here's special, never-before-seen footage from the blessed event:
Now THAT'S the coverage the royal (?) wedding deserved.
Can I officially call coverage of the sneak attack on Osama bin Laden "gotcha" journalism? If not, I'll leave it to Sarah Palin to define it. You might remember her infamous interview with Katie "Kiss My Ass, CBS" Couric before the 2008 election, where Couric asked Palin what magazines and newspapers she reads...and Palin couldn't name anything. So imagine my surprise when THIS clip hit the interwebs this week. MSNBC caught up with Palin at last weekend's White House Correspondents dinner (y'know, the one where Obama basically told Donald Trump to suck it). They asked her (and several other attendees) who she thinks the most influential journalist is. Her response...wait for it:
Seriously, it's a wonder that woman remembers to breathe in the morning.
To be fair, public officials are caught doing some pretty stupid things on camera...but perhaps NONE quite as bad as THIS:
Can you imagine being the guy who suggested THAT story in the morning meeting? "Say, I was just checking a porn sit...I mean, my EMAIL...at my desk and came across...er, no, bad choice of words...FOUND this video clip..."
But then there are people who have opinions about news and really shouldn't. Take KERO in Bakersville, California, for example: the station tried to kick off its May sweeps with a bang by doing a story about how strip clubs are actually faring WELL in this economy (note: check the lottery too. Both cost about a dollar for a much-needed scratch-off.). So the chief meteorologist...you know, the guy whose SOLE JOB is to talk about WEATHER and nothing but WEATHER...says he has a problem with it because of his christian values. He asks for the night off that the story is scheduled to air, but because it's sweeps, no major newscast talent is allowed to take a vacation day. So he sucks it up, does the adult thing...AND DOESN'T SHOW UP TO WORK! Listen, man, I understand the need to take a stand for your religion. Muslims do it all the time when they say "Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida DON'T represent what our religion stands for." So might I suggest your next career be in the clergy...since you've been fired for breach of contract? Also, if you find another job as a meteorologist somewhere, could you PLEASE keep your moral highground to yourself because you are a WEATHERman and not a NEWSman? Seriously, that's as obnoxious as having a traffic reporter who feels the need to act like a news director... In fact, if I might make a suggestion, maybe he should be in charge of all future stories like THIS:
It's a good thing the "crocodilian" didn't get her...she's obviously brilliant and a very integral part of this morning newscast.
Hey, happy mother's day! And happy 200th blog!!! Geronimo!!
-B-
Seriously, I can't do this story justice. Jon?
Meanwhile, local news outlets scrambled to get this story on the air. Here was how it looked to (no surprise) a Fox station in Sacramento, CA:
And here's how the brits got it wrong on BBC News's website:
And, yes, even our two local morning anchors here in town did it. The male anchor mixed up "Obama" and "Osama." And the female anchor started talking about "Vice President Bin Laden." So it happens. But when I first saw the breaking news on Sunday night, one of my big thoughts was "FINALLY! An international news story that will WARRANT the attention it's about to get!" Not like that abortion of a social event...the royal (?) wedding of Willie and Kate. And because I'm feeling generous today, here's special, never-before-seen footage from the blessed event:
Now THAT'S the coverage the royal (?) wedding deserved.
Can I officially call coverage of the sneak attack on Osama bin Laden "gotcha" journalism? If not, I'll leave it to Sarah Palin to define it. You might remember her infamous interview with Katie "Kiss My Ass, CBS" Couric before the 2008 election, where Couric asked Palin what magazines and newspapers she reads...and Palin couldn't name anything. So imagine my surprise when THIS clip hit the interwebs this week. MSNBC caught up with Palin at last weekend's White House Correspondents dinner (y'know, the one where Obama basically told Donald Trump to suck it). They asked her (and several other attendees) who she thinks the most influential journalist is. Her response...wait for it:
Seriously, it's a wonder that woman remembers to breathe in the morning.
To be fair, public officials are caught doing some pretty stupid things on camera...but perhaps NONE quite as bad as THIS:
Can you imagine being the guy who suggested THAT story in the morning meeting? "Say, I was just checking a porn sit...I mean, my EMAIL...at my desk and came across...er, no, bad choice of words...FOUND this video clip..."
But then there are people who have opinions about news and really shouldn't. Take KERO in Bakersville, California, for example: the station tried to kick off its May sweeps with a bang by doing a story about how strip clubs are actually faring WELL in this economy (note: check the lottery too. Both cost about a dollar for a much-needed scratch-off.). So the chief meteorologist...you know, the guy whose SOLE JOB is to talk about WEATHER and nothing but WEATHER...says he has a problem with it because of his christian values. He asks for the night off that the story is scheduled to air, but because it's sweeps, no major newscast talent is allowed to take a vacation day. So he sucks it up, does the adult thing...AND DOESN'T SHOW UP TO WORK! Listen, man, I understand the need to take a stand for your religion. Muslims do it all the time when they say "Osama bin Laden and al-Qaida DON'T represent what our religion stands for." So might I suggest your next career be in the clergy...since you've been fired for breach of contract? Also, if you find another job as a meteorologist somewhere, could you PLEASE keep your moral highground to yourself because you are a WEATHERman and not a NEWSman? Seriously, that's as obnoxious as having a traffic reporter who feels the need to act like a news director... In fact, if I might make a suggestion, maybe he should be in charge of all future stories like THIS:
It's a good thing the "crocodilian" didn't get her...she's obviously brilliant and a very integral part of this morning newscast.
Hey, happy mother's day! And happy 200th blog!!! Geronimo!!
-B-
Sunday, May 1, 2011
In Absentia
It's a shame there wasn't anything really big happening this week (other than the 300+ people killed by violent tornadoes in the southeast). So let me take this time to share a story with you:
When I was growing up, my parents taught me a lot. One of the more important lessons they gave me was a little background on bullies. See, I was bullied quite a bit growing up because I was the nice kid, the boy scout, the kid who got all the As and stayed out of trouble. When I thought I got detention in the third grade, I remember breaking down and crying at my desk...right next to my best friend, whom I had been conversing with...and that got me in trouble. As I looked up, however, I noticed I had only received a warning from the teacher. Not actual detention. Yeah, that was my screwed-up life growing up. My parents had instilled in me an attitude of hard work and staying out of trouble. So when I had trouble with a bully, my folks explained that bullies are just people who attack those they perceive as weaker...just to get a response. That part of my life came to mind recently as Donald Trump repeatedly called out President Obama, calling into question his birth in the United States. Here's the President's response:
(Yeah, I know...I saw it in there too. We're going to pretend it didn't happen Friday morning...)
So, Trump bullied President Obama into giving up his birth certificate. It's a bad precedent for the President. Now Trump's calling for school records...next it'll be the latest health exam...then it'll be DNA analysis of his hair. I appreciate what the President was trying to do. He was trying to shut Trump/Palin (2012!) up so the media would start focusing on the things that matter: the budget, jobs, health care, Will & Kate's...WHOAWHOAWHOA! Not getting mentioned here! Anyway, my point is, when my bully wouldn't shut up in school, I kicked him in the shin and he pretty much left me alone (don't judge...I was in 2nd grade). Since it's clear the birth certificate didn't work, I hope Mr. Obama finds a good "kick to the shin" to shut Trump up. Doesn't the President get three free kills by the Secret Service? Or is that just in the Simpsons?
See you all back here next week for Blog #200!
-B-
When I was growing up, my parents taught me a lot. One of the more important lessons they gave me was a little background on bullies. See, I was bullied quite a bit growing up because I was the nice kid, the boy scout, the kid who got all the As and stayed out of trouble. When I thought I got detention in the third grade, I remember breaking down and crying at my desk...right next to my best friend, whom I had been conversing with...and that got me in trouble. As I looked up, however, I noticed I had only received a warning from the teacher. Not actual detention. Yeah, that was my screwed-up life growing up. My parents had instilled in me an attitude of hard work and staying out of trouble. So when I had trouble with a bully, my folks explained that bullies are just people who attack those they perceive as weaker...just to get a response. That part of my life came to mind recently as Donald Trump repeatedly called out President Obama, calling into question his birth in the United States. Here's the President's response:
(Yeah, I know...I saw it in there too. We're going to pretend it didn't happen Friday morning...)
So, Trump bullied President Obama into giving up his birth certificate. It's a bad precedent for the President. Now Trump's calling for school records...next it'll be the latest health exam...then it'll be DNA analysis of his hair. I appreciate what the President was trying to do. He was trying to shut Trump/Palin (2012!) up so the media would start focusing on the things that matter: the budget, jobs, health care, Will & Kate's...WHOAWHOAWHOA! Not getting mentioned here! Anyway, my point is, when my bully wouldn't shut up in school, I kicked him in the shin and he pretty much left me alone (don't judge...I was in 2nd grade). Since it's clear the birth certificate didn't work, I hope Mr. Obama finds a good "kick to the shin" to shut Trump up. Doesn't the President get three free kills by the Secret Service? Or is that just in the Simpsons?
See you all back here next week for Blog #200!
-B-
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