Good morning, Hard Thinkers...depending on which day of the week you read this blog, we're either on our way to a total economic collapse or it has already happened. Or, you know, Washington lawmakers decided to stop bickering like little children and ironed out a deal. Either way, mazel tov. If you're going to buy your Casey Anthony Halloween mask, now's the time to hit ebay. (shit you not, this really exists)
Hey, don't get me wrong...it's hard out there for a pimp congressional lawmaker. But these tough times are hitting people hard all over the place. Take the news media. It's getting so people in Philadelphia can't hear about animal hoarding without someone butting their nose into the story:
My favorite part of that clip? The look on the anchor's face at the end. I can't tell if it's a look of disinterest or indifference. A quick note...the guy with the tattoo on the back of his arm that jumped the attacker is one of the animal cruelty officers on the scene. Looks like an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter.
While we're on the subject of tattoos, you probably know by now (if you gave a shit in the first place) that Sandra Bullock's ex Jesse James has broken up with walking graffiti art Kat Von D. Want to know how to get rid of Kat Von D quickly during an interview? Start talking about Sandra Bullock's ex Jesse James:
Best Kat Von D interview ever...the one that never happened. (by the way, Kat, on behalf of producers everywhere who put together a newscast based on specific times for segments: fuck you) You hear the gang at Good Day L.A. referring to Sandy, who is obviously Sandra Bullock. They were also asked not to talk about Jesse James's mistress, Bombshell McGee. Kat Von D's response on (meh) Twitter? “Dear GoodDayLA, thanks for the waste of a perfectly good morning. Lack of compassion n respect for eachother never fails to dissapoint me.” Hey lady, you're going to put yourself out there AND try to promote your show, you better damn well be ready to answer questions about the newest things going on in your life...for better or worse. And it's DISAPPOINT with ONE S and TWO Ps. Idiot.
Want to know which network news anchor wouldn't put up with shit like that?:
I'll leave you with one more clip today. It's of a live report where people were expecting to see and hear from the woman accusing former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn of sexual assault. See if YOU can figure out something big is happening before the live reporter does:
Here's a tip...if you are the ONLY REPORTER left at a spot while there's something going on somewhere else, you are probably going to get yelled at by the boss. The funniest part of that clip to me is that the REPORTER posted the video HIMSELF! "Hey, you should've seen all those reporters running behind me to show something about the World Trade Center...I guess it blew up or something...anyway, I'm going to continue my story about adorable homeless cats on the streets of New York." Hey, next we'd like you to interview Kat Von D...I'm sure there's NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER that you'll actually ask her something pertinent.
It's been a hard week for us here at Thinking Hard. Too much death in the headlines. For starters, BIG news on a popular singer...that's right, Jennifer Lopez's marriage to Marc Anthony is dead. Reports have come out (mostly from the tabloids, so take these with a grain of salt) that Anthony once cheated on Lopez with a flight attendant (named Steve) and that he'd been controlling what J-Lo was wearing in public and during photo shoots. Those reports also say Anthony was jealous of J-Lo's career. Yes, Mr. Anthony, J-Lo's career is so big, she's become the host of a television talent competition instead of releasing album after album after album. She's basically following David Hasselhoff's career path. Well, I'm sorry for their twin 3-year-old kids...but mostly I'm sorry they were born into a marriage that was never going to work anyway. Remember...friends don't let friends procreate.
Okay, so I totally baited you there. I know there was a MUCH bigger death in the headlines in recent hours. I am, of course, talking about the death of...Borders Bookstores. The company announced this week it would hold closing out of business sales at its almost 400 stores around the country. No joke...I walked into a local store here Friday morning (the same morning that the email came out from the company announcing the closures) and that store was PACKED! It made me a little sad...and angry, given all of the SCREAMING CHILDREN!!! Parents, PLEASE find a sitter instead of taking your children shopping with you! Otherwise you're just unwilling spokespeople for abstinence.
Oooohhhh, you were waiting for the OTHER big death in the headlines. That's right, you can't try to make her go to rehab anymore, bitches. Amy Winehouse was found dead yesterday. Police say the cause of death is the combination of alcohol, meth, cocaine, heroin, oxycontin, cough syrup and Pop Rocks "unexplained." Can't imagine what killed her. But, in honor of her passing, let me offer one of the "star's" final performances from Belgrade back in June, apparently singing her hit "Mklsdf slskdf":
She's the only person I know who probably stumbled incoherently into her death bed. There's no "I want to be alone" here...more like "I want a macabutter car mmlsih and LET ME INTRODUCE sdklfj." Some say her passing is sad...I say the way she lived is sad.
I'm taking a few days off from life to go to Orlando and meet up with Casey Anthony relax in the warm summer sun. It's up to you to entertain yourself this week...just DON'T do it on Facebook:
Instead, go see the new Harry Potter movie. It's good. It's better in 3D. If you don't have that kind of time or money, try the recent trend of remixing that crazy cat lady's eHarmony dating video. I prefer this version with Gnarls Barkley...and Keyboard Cat:
Debbie, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reminding me why dating is a TERRIBLE idea.
Yep...I've already taken the time to start an online dating profile for Casey Anthony. Jurors acquitted her this week on all charges that she killed her daughter, Caylee, or had anything to do with her death. Here's a fun fact...it took jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial more than a WEEK to come back with a verdict when they had the evidence right in front of their faces...it took jurors in the Casey Anthony trial only about 11 HOURS to come back with a verdict because they say there was NO evidence linking Anthony to the crime. After the verdict, the defense team went to a bar to celebrate...and one of the attorneys had a special message for the media:
That's Cheney Mason, whose bird show has earned him a complaint from the Florida Bar Association. The Bar says Mason did not maintain the integrity of the profession...which MUST be an ironic by-law. Anyway, Cheney, hear me out: I agree with you. For the last three years, members of the national media (I'm looking in the direction of YOUR pantsuit, Nancy Grace) have skewered Casey Anthony. I watched the "Waiting For What Will HAVE To Be A Guilty Verdict" coverage and they spent hours talking about how guilty Casey Anthony is and how exactly she manipulated everyone in her life. Media's supposed to be non-biased. Anyone out there who bitches about Fox's Unfair and Unbalanced coverage should have been absolutely pissed off at the bias by some (not all) media outlets on the Anthony trial. So, yes, regardless of whether she did it, Casey Anthony got a bum rap from the media and journalists probably deserved that middle finger...but not from you, Cheney Mason. That middle finger seems almost celebratory. But Juror No. 3 told ABC News after the verdict that many of the jurors were sick to their stomach that they'd have to acquit Anthony. But they had to do what jurors do...look objectively at the evidence presented. And the prosecution just didn't have enough evidence directly tying Casey Anthony to the death of her daughter. It sucks, but it's true. What's ALSO true, Mr. Mason, is the defense didn't win this case...the prosecution lost it. Remember, Jose Baez's opening statement promised to tie Casey Anthony's dad to the crime AND prove he molested his daughter. Not only did the defense NOT prove this, but the judge forced Baez not to mention it during the closing argument because they hadn't proved a thing! So, Mr. Mason, you can keep celebrating your courtroom wins...as long as you face prosecutors who rode the short bus to law school. Ass. Also, I'm thinking about selling bumper stickers: "Honk If Casey Anthony Should Be The Next 'Bachelorette.'"
The OTHER thing that caught our attention at Thinking Hard this week came from Katie R., who, incidentally, will be celebrating her birthday this week. Happy birthday. And nothing says "happy birthday" like a woman dying after having sex with a dog. No joke. The Irish woman met a guy in a bestiality chat room back in 2008. They hooked up...and by "they," I mean the woman and the dog...and she died soon after. Only recently did investigators find out it's because the woman had a severe allergy, possibly from the dog's semen! Just another crazy news story of "Man Humps Dog."
Oh, you know it's gonna be a sweet blog when the title refers to the "Dateline: To Catch A Predator" series. For those of you young'uns out there who never enjoyed the pedophilic fun, here's a brief primer: NBC gave reporter Chris Hansen free reign to work with a shitload of anti-pedophile activists to entrap them at homes by convincing them online that there were teenage boys/girls home alone who were easily imbibed with alcohol. There were hidden cameras all over the house. And the "bait boy/girl," who was generally a young-looking woman of legal age, would say "Come on in and sit in the kitchen, I just have to get something from upstairs." Idiots enter the kitchen...and in walks Chris Hansen and a photojournalist to do a brief "So, what are you doing here?...oh, you just wanted to teach him/her a lesson about internet safety...and that's why you showed up naked (no joke, it happened on at least one occasion and was NOT pretty) with a 6-pack of Zima and a box of condoms...let me read back some of the transcript from your online conversation...she said 'I might be too young for you,' and you said 'You've got to learn sometime' (seriously, this was my favorite part of the interview)." And after Hansen grilled them for a few minutes and they appeared shameful, he let them leave. Which they did...into the waiting hands of sheriff's deputies outside. It was such an awesome show that had to be canceled when one of the guys killed himself (not on camera). In fact, when it started, the guys were confused when they first saw Hansen walk into the kitchen. But then, you could tell the show was gaining popularity because the pedos recognized Hansen as soon as he walked in. It was great! So, with all of Hansen's work with hidden cameras, imagine my surprise when HANSEN was caught on hidden camera walking into a Palm Beach hotel with a woman 20 years younger than him (a reporter, too, no less) who's not his wife...and not walking out until the next morning. Also, the National Enquirer broke the story. Yes, catching famous men cheating on their wives IS what's keeping the Enquirer in business. "So, Mr. Hansen...you brought this woman to a hotel for the night to teach her a lesson about reporter ethics?"
One might assume that ALONE would make this an awesome week for me...but OH NO. Not by a LONG shot. Have you perhaps heard about this Florida mom on trial for killing her young daughter? I know, it hasn't really been in the headlines lately (seriously, there's a series of fucking APPS for this trial!). Her name's Casey Anthony and, in a horrible yet honest vision of my dating life, she was attractive enough (before the jail time waiting for her trial) that I probably would've tried to pick her up in a bar. So the trial's kind of been a media circus, but the judge appears to not be putting up with any shit, which is kind of awesome...especially when a news photographer in the courtroom saw a guy in the audience flip off the prosecutor and that photographer TOLD THE JUDGE! Surely this kid will get off easy because he's 28-year-old TGI Friday's server (who probably lives in his parents' basement), right?:
Downside, that kid won't survive 6 MINUTES in jail, let alone 6 DAYS. Upside, he might like it...and those shiny handcuffs probably could be considered "flair" if he doesn't get canned at TGI Friday's. Douche.
So, you're sitting there thinking "Okay, Blaine, so there were a couple of pretty funny stories this week for Thinking Hard, but I'm still not convinced it was one of the best weeks ever based only on TWO stories." Well, first, fuck you. I'm the one writing for an hour online...all you have to do is read and watch it. Second, I'm not done yet. Not even close. See, there was a verdict in ANOTHER big trial this week that I've SOOOOO been looking forward to. Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (a Democrat) has been on his second trial for fraud/corruption/what else ya got charges after he was caught on a wiretap trying to sell President Obama's old Senate seat after he was elected to the White House. The first case ended in a mistrial. The second time around, he spent FOUR DAYS on the stand, blithering and babbling incoherently, making me wish I was a court reporter in Chicago. Blago's been convinced all this time he'd be acquitted...let's see how THAT worked out for him:
I wonder if he'd consider selling his hair because IT'S fucking golden.
(Public service announcement: people on Twitter are sending out a total of 200 million tweets a day...really, people? I think it's time to cut back, don't you? -- That public service announcement was less than the maximum characters for a tweet...don't make me tweet that.)
While I'm talking about bad habits, let's look at another fantastic piece of video. This time, we're looking at a breaking news report from a fire in Houston at an abandoned business with tanks that used to store petroleum. I should also point out that Texas has been dealing with REALLY dry weather and wildfires. For 20 points, see if YOU can figure out what the reporter is doing wrong here:
That guy sent out an apology on the station's Facebook page to assure angry viewers that he was standing on CONCRETE when he put out his cigarette. And he pulled an Ashlee Simpson on SNL when he blamed a "technical glitch" for the reason he was caught on air smoking. Dude, it wasn't the glitch that people were upset about...it's that you were around an already flammable situation with a lit cigarette. Next time, just chew the gum until you get back in the live truck.
I can see I"m starting to win you over, but it's not quite enough. You're thinking "Blaine, this is entertaining, but it needs to be BIGGER. Do you have anything in a Size 12 politically awkward moment?" You're in luck...courtesy Chris Wallace on Fox News talking to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (also a Minnesota congresswoman):
Wallace later apologized. But you don't seem quite sold just yet. "Bigger," you demand. Well, I will tell you I am here for the PEOPLE! RISE UP AND BE HEARD! YOU WANT BIGGER, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST I'VE GOT (that one's just for the online predator people watching Thinking Hard):
