Welcome 2013...Kiss My Ass, 2012

Hey, everyone, welcome to the end of the year blog of Thinking Hard. Wow, what a 2012, am I right? I mean, there was...stuff...and...things...and there was that one...person...who did that...thing...with the...hair. Okay, let's be honest. Most days, I can't even remember what happened the day before because my brain has begun protecting itself from drawma (added W for effect) and agony by just doing a daily flush of the previous day's events. It's a great defense mechanism that can be accomplished without the use of drugs or legalized marijuana in a few states. So, let me be frank: I'm not going to be much help reminding you of what happened in 2012. But my buddy James hooked me up with the clip that will help as all remember what happened in the past 366 days... Ermehgerd I forgot all that stuff happened. Well, here's looking forward to a 2013 that I will also forget at the end of the year. Who knows...maybe I'll be broadcasting from somewhere else 365 days from now... Happy New Year, everybody! -B-

Congrats On Surviving The Apocalypse

Here's a stunner...the world didn't end according to the Mayan calendar. My theory? The guys making the calendar got bored and decided to go watch some bloodsport instead. So, we're back from our holiday break as you get ready to enjoy yours. Nothing like just barely missing a foot of snow in the Midwest to get your holiday excitement flowing. Hey, have you seen Jay-Z's sister? He's looking for her... You know how to tell if you're getting a little, um, heavier? When your clothing responds to your forecast. What if EVERYONE talked like they were on TV? (Seriously, try that the next time you talk to family members. Hilarious. Or confusing.) Y'know, I have to say there have been quite a few errors in the news industry this year, many of which have appeared in this blog. (you're welcome) But sometimes, the CORRECTIONS are funnier than the errors. Check out this link for some of the best and worst of the year. My personal favorites include The New York Times' "An article on Monday about Jack Robison and Kirsten Lindsmith, two college students with Asperger syndrome who are navigating the perils of an intimate relationship, misidentified the character from the animated children’s TV show “My Little Pony” that Ms. Lindsmith said she visualized to cheer herself up. It is Twilight Sparkle, the nerdy intellectual, not Fluttershy, the kind animal lover." (That's right, stay out of it, Fluttershy!) I also really liked this one from the National Review: "I misspoke this evening on the Special Report panel. I suggested that Godzilla was less destructive than King Kong. And everyone knows that it’s the other way around. I apologize for any offense to the Kong family or to Godzilla’s fans — or victims." And the Charlotte Observer got a big shout-out for "Typo of the Year" for saying a player had a "herniated dick." Y'know, as much as I LOVE corrections, it's rare to find something as entertaining as an error when it happens on live TV. Kick back and enjoy this YouTube compilation... If that doesn't scream "Merry Christmas," I don't know what does. -B-

A Quick Note From The Road

Welcome back to the petulant 5-year-old that is Thinking Hard. I had every intention of not posting a blog while I'm on vacation, but I had to take a moment to address the tragedy in Connecticut last Friday. If you've been following this site for a while, you know I'm not a big fan of kids, especially little ones. That said, the shooting that happened in Newtown last week was a heinous, unconscionable act. Those little children did absolutely nothing to that asshole. They did not deserve to be killed, especially so close to Christmas. And he took the pussy way out by killing himself instead of facing the consequences of his actions. I realize he represents a very small minority of idiots who got hold of guns and used them to go on a killing spree. But with the movie theater shooting in July and now this, I think it's time for lawmakers to have a very adult conversation about what to do about guns... without considering the NRA lobbyists who are paying for their re-election campaigns. Because we're now leaving the realm of ludicrousness and entering the realm of complete and total bullshit. I know very sane people who have guns and don't go on shooting rampages. Let's have more of THAT behavior. And of you know someone or love someone who just doesn't seem quite right in the head, get them help NOW and don't wait for "your love" to change them. -B-

Let The Holiday-ing Commence

Hey, everybody, welcome back to Thinking Hard...I'll be with you after a moment in the hospital with violent morning sickness (let's be honest...is there ANY morning sickness that's NOT violent? What would that be exactly? Clearing your throat and spitting just a little bit of vomit out?). Seriously, I wish I could be happy for Kate and William, but after having their wedding shoved so hard down my throat I thought I was being intubated, it's just SO HARD TO CARE about Kate having little heirs. Especially since I've been staring at magazine covers in the check-out line at the grocery store for MONTHS saying Kate's pregnant...then later, they cover their asses by saying "Pregnancy Shocker: Kate Loses Baby!" Ridiculous. And then you get the radio DJs calling the hospital where Kate was staying and pretending to be the Queen. Yeah, the first nurse who fell for it killed herself the next day. And every "news" program leads with her pregnancy. What is it about celeb pregnancies that make people in the media act like morons? ESPECIALLY IN ENGLAND. Look, I get it...the world mourned in the 90s for the death of Princess Diana and we've been watching her sons grow up into princes who get married on live TV and who go to war after dressing up like Hitler. But didn't we WIN the Revolutionary War? Didn't we win our FREEDOM from all things that have to do with England? I feel like America was born...left the home for college...went out and worked a few years...then decided to go BACK to live at home because it was easier (see also: the desire to go back into the womb). Tell you what.. while I sit here and pound my head against the keyboard, I'll let someone else handle this:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Keep Calm and Carry to Term
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

I don't really give an F about the royal pregnancy...but that's probably because my F was used elsewhere. Take a look at this survey from a Milwaukee TV station:

Yes, I believe Americans should have the right to bear fun. Hey, one more thing today. I'm flying home for my annual holiday trip next week, so there's a good chance this place won't be updated for a week or two. But this week marks our 5th birthday here at Thinking Hard. We hit that 10,000 reader milestone this year and I'm thrilled that you've stuck with the ramblings posted on this blog for so long (admit it, you're here for The Daily Show). So just a quick note of thanks for your support. And we'll be back to you in a week or two. -B-

We're Almost To Our 5-Year Anniversary!

The gift for a 5-year anniversary around Thinking Hard is paper. At least, that's what people keep littering on my desk. So, um, go ahead and keep it. December 12th is the date. Mark it. Commit it to memory. Or else I'll pout if you forget it and we'll go to bed angry. Let's start with some breaking news out of Chicago...with some broken news reporting: (Thanks, James, for sending that one in!) And now, a moment in news creativity. Lesson: always rewrite your scripts...or cut off Conan O'Brien's cable feed. Actually, for the record, only the first clip was about cyber Monday shopping. The others were about cyber Monday masturbating. Finally today, I'll like to toot my own horn for a moment. I've been nominated for a regional news Emmy award. It's my first and I'm very proud. (I'd briefly like to point out that my job is news is ENTIRELY SEPARATE from the blogs I post on this site...and the views and jokes I present here are in NO WAY related to my station or anything I do there. I'm quite professional...if a bit angry some days...at the station and would NEVER allow any of what I write here to bleed into the responsible journalism I do on a daily basis) So, if you'd like to see the nomination party, my nomination shows up at 35:23... Thanks for letting me share something very personal and professional that I'm proud of. Hope you all have a great week and we'll see you back here next week. -B-

Giving Thanks For Family...And A New Computer

Happy Thanksgiving/Black Friday/Cyber Monday/Leftovers Tuesday! We're gonna keep this one quick because you all need to go out shopping for Black Friday deals. I've been in TV news for a while, and I've seen some ridiculous things. I've seen anchors ignore cues from producers to stop talking because, hey, they were in the middle of a thought. But I don't think I've seen anything quite like quitting on air. Like these anchors out of Bangor, Maine, who didn't like the way their station was doing news. "We quit...now here's Steve with sports. Steve, how about them Jets?" The station's manager says the guy's anchor position was offered to someone else and his co-anchor just couldn't work without him. He's 29 and she's 40-something. Let's hope they're not blackballed in the industry for the rather bold move. Hey, it's starting to get cold here in the U.S. but things are just heating up in Argentina. I'm all about advertising to get your business up, but this air conditioning spot is a little...um...well, you decide: I can't decide which is weirder...the creepy child molester peeking out of the blinds or the dude catching on fire. Don't worry. That guy had more than enough hair on his body to protect his skin. -B-

Camping Outside Paula Broadwell's House

Hey, why waste time setting up a tent that will just get cold at night? Just drive your live news truck to Charlotte, North Carolina, and do what all the cool kids are doing...camp outside Paula Broadwell's house. The live trucks are warmer AND there's a chance of getting high/dead off carbon monoxide leaks. Yeah, we'll get to the scandal involving General David Petraeus in just a moment. But first, let's check in with our traffic center. Something tells me this traffic anchor isn't looking all that closely at what's going on behind her... Yup, all clear. No wrecks to see here. Speaking of wrecks, anybody been following the David Petraeus scandal? To give you the abridge version of what's been going on...the man who commanded troops in the Middle East resigned from his job as chief of the CIA because of an affair. He's been "linked" (or use whatever double entendre you prefer) in the national media to the woman who wrote his biography, a married mother of 2 children who lives in Charlotte, Paula Broadwell. She's been seen at a family home in Washington, D.C. (despite CONSTANT efforts by the media to stay outside her home in Charlotte, hoping to get some comment/middle finger when she comes home), and Petraeus just testified before Congress Friday behind closed doors. While we don't know what was said, members of Congress planned to focus mainly on the investigation into the U.S. embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya, that killed an ambassador and three others. Sources like CNN report the FBI was tipped off to the affair because another woman, who's friends with Petraeus, reported getting harassing emails from Broadwell. There's more to this story, and for that, I'm letting Jon Stewart handle it:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Spyfall
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Spyfall - David Petraeus Resigns
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

So I guess the big thing that people are using for jokes here is the title of Petraeus' biography..."All In." Yes, it's easy for US, just the casual americans, to snicker and titter at that. Even late-night comedians can enjoy it. But it's another thing ENTIRELY to see this on a TV station's newscast in Denver: To be fair, that graphics person probably just copied the first image that came up on Google and didn't give it another thought...or read the fine print. I'd imagine that person and the producer will be "All In"...the unemployment line. -B-

Nothing Of Import Happened This Week...

...yeah, right. So, not sure if you guys heard, but there was this thing on Tuesday. It was called a...wait, what was it again?...oh yes, an ELECTION. You might have known what happened by the loud bawling and crying by the republicans. More on that in a second. First, I'd like to point out that I was pulling for President Obama and didn't even have to cast a vote for him to be re-elected. He also didn't lose by one vote. So, yes, America, while your votes mattered on Election Day, mine did not. Also, can we revisit this electoral college thing one more time? The popular vote was pretty close Tuesday night when the networks declared President Obama the victor. Looking at electoral votes, Mitt Romney never stood a chance. But the electoral college has gone and weighted some states' votes over others. If I may, if we're going to weight some votes over others, can they be done by something more functional? Like IQ scores? I'd really like to see competent voters getting more out of their ballots than the drunkards who stumble into a voting booth...thinking it's a bathroom. Anyway, I digress. Let me warn you now: there will be a LOT of video in this week's post. Come back often to watch your favorite clips. Blogger will simply count it as one pageview each time...and that'll mean more pageviews for us. Kind of like dead people casting ballots. Because they have nothing better to do than come back from the dead, just to vote Obama or Romney. What a crazy week. Gay marriage approved in more states. Marijuana got the HIGH-five in a couple states. Donald Trump and NBC anchor Brian Williams got into a tiff about whether Trump is really someone that people listen to. And Karl Rove was called out by his OWN FOX COLLEAGUE ON NATIONAL TV FOR ACTING LIKE A DOUCHE. We'll get to the Karl Rove thing in a moment. There were two different time periods that happened this week: B.B. and B.A. Bullshit Before and Bullshit After. Let's hit the Bullshit Before first...and I'm looking at the media for this segment. First, allow me to enlighten you a little on the Media Illuminati. Every station, every network goes out and finds stories on its own to report on, because that's their job. But there are a LOT more holes to fill in on newscasts because the newscasts are longer nowadays (a la CNN's 24-hour juggernaut). I refer to these as "newsholes." So while every station and every network has their own reporters and producers working on stories, there is NO WAY those people alone can fill those newsholes. I mean, there is a LOT of shit that needs to be packed into newsholes. Those things are gaping. So what networks and stations will do is pay for news services from other outlets to act as an enema to fill those newsholes. CNN uses its random affiliates across the world. Local stations use the Associated Press, Reuters, newspapers, etc. So there's a good chance that the same stations will use the same source for stories. One story...spread across several different stations in several different cities...would be difficult to spot because you're not watching newscasts in Spokane AND Memphis. So you'd never know...unless Conan O'Brien was on the case: So, yeah, that happened. Who knows...maybe those stations will find ways to waste their employees' time re-writing EVERY LITTLE SCRIPT that they don't have time to write. Maybe in some bizarro world. Now for one of my sheer joys of watching an election...going back to hear pundit predictions BEFORE the election. As one might assume, depending on the network, you were probably going to hear something partisan. Take a listen and figure out which of these guys were outright WRONG...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democalypse 2012 - What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Stronger Edition - Media Accountability
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

A quick moment now of special Bullshit During the election. A reporter from Miami, Florida, went to Chicago to cover President Obama's hometown crowd. As you can imagine, the Big O had quite a list of stars across many different industries. At one point, the reporter happened to be standing next to an interview being done with will.i.am from Black Eyed Peas. As you watch this clip, I want to remind you this is WILL.I.AM FROM BLACK EYED PEAS... Y'know what's REALLY funny about that happening is The Cleveland Show JUST LAST SUNDAY had a joke on it about will.i.am's resemblance to other singers. So now we get to Bullshit After. As you know, President Obama won re-election. There were some testy elections in other areas. Oh, quick shout-out to matheMAGICIAN Nate Silver. This guy used math to predict EVERY MAJOR POLITICAL RACE IN ALL FIFTY STATES! He did it in 2008 too, but only got 49 out of 50. Slacker. Still, though, remember kids...you will use math in the real world. Probably about once every four years. Anywho, back to the big deal..Obama wins, Romney loses, Ryan STILL gets out with a congressional win, so he'll be back in Washington. Also, just in, former presidential candidate and current crazy cat lady Michelle Bachmann barely won her congressional re-election in Minnesota. Good. Just because they were clearly unfit to lead the country, they should be allowed to at least run 1/50th of it. So, bottom line...nothing changes after many, MANY months of political kabuki (which I believe means "bullshit"...or "theater"...one of those). So I'm going to grab a coffee while Jon Stewart does what is probably the best look EVER at this year's election...and post-election whining on Fox News. For the record, this is SO worth all of those months of kabuki...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Post Democalypse 2012 - America Takes a Shower
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Post Democalypse 2012 - America Takes a Shower - Karl Rove's Math
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Post Democalypse 2012 - America Takes a Shower - Fox News Meltdown
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

And because I feel this guy deserves to be the ONLY PUNDIT EVER DURING A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Nate Silver
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

I have one more thing to show you that's not election-related. But first let me say this: nothing changed on Election Day in Washington. The same parties are in charge of the House and Senate, ready to help/block President Obama. We have a big fiscal cliff to worry about after the first of the year and I just can't shake the feeling that everyone's egos will be too big to do anything to help the american public. You know...the same american public that PUT THEM IN WASHINGTON IN THE FIRST PLACE! But now they're all working for that lobby money and no one gives a shit about the little guy. Not even those fuckers in the Tea Party. They're all in it for the almighty bottom line: money. So, President Obama, a personal plea for you. You've been re-elected. You don't have to worry about whether you can stay in the White House past 2016 because you can't. PLEASE do something about Congress. PLEASE use the shit out of your executive orders. PLEASE help America. Because Congress is just waiting to fuck you again. Okay, my last note of the day...there are COUNTLESS video sources coming into a newsroom's control room at any given moment. But rarely is it THIS bad. A weathercasterm at an ABC (pay attention, that's important) station in New York City (top market in the U.S.) turned to look at a radar in his monitor...and instead saw THIS (on the left):

That is a live feed of the newscast from the competing NBC station in town! The only way that would have been worse was if they'd put porn in that monitor. Ah well, the beauty of live TV is you always get another day to get it right. Politics...takes longer. -B-

So THAT Happened...

What's up and welcome back to Thinking Hard. Hey, we had some unusual weather here this week...some cool temperatures and a light sprinkle. I can't imagine it was worse in any OTHER part of the U.S. Yeah, I'm making a small joke about Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Superstorm Sandy. Look, the bottom line is the northeastern U.S. got the shit kicked out of it by Mother Nature. Subway tunnels flooded, power plants exploded, entire parts of New York are STILL in darkness. I vote we refer to Sandy as "Shitstorm Sandy" from here on out. Or maybe Gangnam-storm... Yeah, okay, that'll be enough of that. The storm was nuts and all (one) of us (me) here at Thinking Hard sends our (my) well-wishes and support to the storm victims, both in the northeast and the Caribbean. And how weird is it that it happened so close to Election Day? It's like the nation needed a reminder that President Obama still kinda knows what he's doing. One of my favorite messages of support that the job the President is doing came from a very unlikely source:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
A Daily Show Tribute to Institutional Competence
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Side note: I REALLY want a sign language translator for Thinking Hard. I know what you're thinking, that deaf people can still READ. But I tend to want to buy things I don't really need just because I think they're cool. For example, I own every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD (Sarah Michelle Gellar, call me). So let's see where that show's creator, Avengers director Joss Whedon, stands on the presidential election... Zomnies...love it. Joss, call me. I desperately want to write for you. Anywho, back to what's important...nerd culture. Did you see George Lucas sold his farm to Disney for $4.1B??? Yes, you read that right. The company that now owns Marvel comics...also owns Indiana Jones and Star Wars! That means two things: 1. No more shitty alien storylines in Indiana Jones movies and 2. New computer for Iron Man's armor: Jar Jarvis. Big shout-out to my buddy Nate for this one: "Mee-suh power at 50 percent!" Speaking of nerdiness, Halloween was this week.. and the person who carved this pumpkin is my hero: All right, now that I've gotten all the geekdom out of my system (sort of), let me point out something very important. By the time you read this blog next week, we will (likely) know who will be President of the United States for the next four years. If the recent polls are any indicator, it's going to be close. Like REALLY close. Like 2000 Bush/Gore close. I won't sit here and espouse my political standings, especially since I received a postcard this week reminding me that I've never voted (funny, they call it an "experiment" and say I was "randomly chosen" for it. Bullshit. I was chosen so they could shame me into casting my vote. Joke's on them...as evidenced in my blogs, I have no shame.). So I'll stick with this: whoever is elected to the White House has a lot of work ahead of him. From 2000 to 2008, a lot of money was spent and the recession started. We're still trying to drag our asses out of said recession. There are still unemployed people and people losing their homes. There are still people fighting in middle eastern countries (notice how we never invade "civilized" societies like Italy or Norway?). The nation is still battered and bruised, and someone has to do something to bring us out of it. So, Mr. President, whoever you may be after January, can I ask you to please go and punch people in Congress so they'll actually get some shit done? Please??? Thanks. I'm tired of being the bad guy. - Ralph, "Wreck-It Ralph" -B-

Are You Kidding Me? A Hurricane..AT THE END OF OCTOBER???

And now we're getting reports in the Thinking Hard news center of an earthquake off the west coast of Canada that has sparked tsunami warnings in Hawaii! Alright, fess up...which of you pissed off Mother Nature? We'll get back to the weird weather...eventually (probably not), but first, some breaking news out of Dallas, Texas:

That's right, it was a devastating title first line title second line in the streets of Dallas. We'll get back to that breaking news in a moment (again, probably not), but first: politics. Hey, remember when Donald Trump told americans that he didn't think President Obama's birth certificate was legit? Yeah, those were good times...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Donald Trump's October Surprise
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Wow, I didn't realize a hippo is like the kind of sprinkler you don't want ANYWHERE NEAR your lawn. (side note: Barbara Walters said Trump is just embarrassing himself. When you disappoint Barbara Walters, you can't take ENOUGH showers to wash that shame away.) While we're sitting on the political conversation, we are just a little more than a week out from Election Day. And you've heard EVERYTHING about Mitt Romney and President Obama. But how about those little regional races? The smaller ones who are struggling to get as much attention as the elder siblings...a "Jan Brady"-style election, if you will (no, Jan, NOBODY loves the middle child). What are THEY to do to remind voters who's in the race?

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Republican Candidate Said What About Rape Now?
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Perhaps the GOP should try a more ridiculous approach to its stance on rape: "Rape...Add a G and you get a grape." Hey, Halloween is coming up. Want to be trendy? Like those people who went dressed as the Crocodile Hunter that year that he died? Might I suggest what South Park offered up this week? Gangnamstein. Because, let's face it, that song's a monster that's gotten out of control. Don't believe me? You know the homes that always program their Christmas lights to Manheim Steamroller or Trans-Siberian Orchestra? Get a load of this: *facepalm* -B-

Thinking Hard...Now 100% Vomit-Free

Hey, gang, welcome back. Did you feel part of your souls die this week? If so, it was probably because YouTube broke. That's right, for the "it seemed like FOREVER" moment of 15 minutes, YouTube went down. Unfortunately, it went down in the middle of the afternoon, the time most people reserve for clock-watching, emailing and watching videos of lolcats. Nope, you can not has cheezburger during that 15 minutes. Whatever did we do as a society for that 15 minutes???? It's like that new TV show, "Revolution," where the world loses power for years. But strangely, those people seemed to have it more together than the group who couldn't access the latest Piano Cat video (what is it with cat videos?). So for those of you poor bastards who went insane because you couldn't watch the top YouTube videos this week, allow me to present Thinking Hard's new segment, "Chimpanzees Are Assholes"... At least they didn't fling their poo at him. They just flung him like poo. This has been another installment of "Chimpanzees Are Assholes." Hey, anybody catch that second presidential debate? Holy cripes. President Obama took his 5-hour energy drink this time and came out swinging against Mitt Romney. And, as expected, Fox News wasn't happy...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democalypse 2012 - The Second Debate*: Now Including the President
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democalypse 2012 - The Second Debate*: Now Including the President - Binders of Women
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democalypse 2012 - The Second Debate*: Now Including the President - Benghazi
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

I was REALLY hoping one of them would slap the shit out of the other. That would've made it more fun. Let me take one moment to address the Libya thing. As much fun as it was to watch Romney eat a little crow, can we PLEASE discuss something that people GIVE A SHIT ABOUT? Yes, what day President Obama called this a "terror attack" goes to his communication with his team overseas. But what does that matter to me? When George W. Bush announced 9/11 was a terror attack, 2 massive buildings in New York had been wiped out and the Pentagon had been targeted. And that was just in the first 2 hours! The only reason the President needs to know if it's a "terror attack" is so the Secret Service can move his ass to an impenetrable underground bunker. Americans in general...they just know the world's falling apart. Other than 9/11, when's the last time we LEGITIMATELY looked to the President for guidance? Shit, in the last 5 years, americans have wanted to hear "Yes, we know the economy's in the shitter, and I'm going to use my executive order to fire all of Congress and get some people in here who know exactly what the FUCK THEY'RE DOING!" We don't get that. We get bitching about jobless numbers. We see companies opening and closing. We see more money poured into wars overseas that don't mean shit over here. Remember that war in Iraq? How getting rid of Saddam Hussein meant we were safer from his "weapons of mass destruction" and how the war would mean "cheaper gas"? Yeah, where's that? And Election Day is just a couple of weeks out. Candidates are trying to get my vote. I tell you what, you start talking about something substantial, show me hard numbers, admit if you've done something wrong and how you plan to correct it, and maybe...MAYBE...I'll consider going to the ballot box for the first time. Because so far in my lifetime, I haven't seen one person worth wasting my time for. Yes, my forefathers "fought and died so I could vote." Bullshit. They fought and died so that other countries like England and Germany wouldn't take over the U.S. You think ANY of those poor motherfuckers who died in combat walked in saying "Gosh, when they write about this in the history books, I hope they remember that we gave America the ability to be bipartisan assholes on the first Tuesday in November"? They fought to keep us out of concentration camps. They fought to keep kings and queens from running this place. I tell you what, you give me ONE PERSON to run this country while being checked and balanced by the Supreme Court and you've got yourself a deal. Because Congress isn't doing shit. They're just trying to support their guy in the White House and be a bunch of dicks of the guy in the White House ISN'T their guy. Our 2+ party system has absolutely given people political freedom, freedom to choose people they like based on where the candidates stand. It's also granted politicians the ability to be assholes. Because at YOUR office, if you disagree with the boss or you're a dick to your boss, you'll be fired. In Washington, it means you'll get re-elected. Again and again. But who am I? I'm just one american. And last I checked, no national election was ever decided by one vote. -B-

Malarkey

Hey, we're already halfway through October, which means we're only just a few more days out from Election Day. Lady Gaga, tell us what you think of the presidential campaigns... (spoiler if you have a weak stomach: she's gonna throw up 3 times. If you can't watch that type of thing, skip over it. You won't miss any jokes.) That's right, first Justin Bieber, then Lady Gaga. Getting sick on stage must be a thing now. Let's hope Adele doesn't start. By the way, side note, her theme for the new James Bond movie, Skyfall, is pretty good. Side note #2: the best band you're not listening to right now is The Heavy. Search for What Makes A Good Man. It's groovy. Okay, so the 2nd of 3 presidential debates is coming up. And the candidates for veep hashed it out this week. Joe Biden ridiculed "his friend" Paul Ryan on stage, and Paul Ryan claimed he and Mitt Romney have a full economic plan. Great fun. But here's one political story you might have missed this week. Two guys are running for Congress in California, and they turned a political appearance into a UFC weigh-in... I don't know.. I think the old guy on the left had a chance before Erik Estrada ("I played Ponch on CHiPS!") stepped in to stop things. That's the type of fervor I want out of my political races! I want good TV! I don't want a bunch of whining about whether a candidate has released tax forms because people don't give a shit. How much a candidate did or didn't pay only matters if they skipped out on their taxes for several years. But THIS...THIS is what I come to see every 2 to 4 years! This is great! I think all political races should be settled in a pay-per-view cage match! Jon Stewart and the kids over at The Daily Show had a really good piece on other smaller political races, starting with the guy who seems to know all there is to know about vaginas. In fact, his campaign manager should consider putting "Vagina First" on campaign posters...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
You Magnificent Bastards
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
You Magnificent Bastards - Down-Ballot Notables
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Bring on the elections! -B-

Thanks Again

If you caught up with the blog in the middle of the week, you'll note we finally hit 10,000 pageviews! Woo-hoo! Seriously, I couldn't have that without you readers, so thanks from the bottom of my heart, and I can't wait until we hit 20,000! (well, let me lower my expectations slightly...11,000!) As I talk about lowered expectations, did anyone catch the presidential debate Wednesday? It's the first of 3 debates, and if this was a "Best 2 out of 3" debate format, I'd be a little uncertain as to whether debate number 3 would actually happen. Holy shit. Mitt Romney threw everything at President Obama, and the Prez just sat there and took it! I felt like I was watching an Ali-Frazier prizefight, and instead of "Down goes Frazier!" I heard "Why did Ali just decide to lay down???" If they were a couple of dogs that were rough-housing, President Obama rolled over and showed his belly...and Romney took that to mean the belly WAS NOW A TARGET! Mr. President, if I may...YOU SHOULD BE CLOBBERING HIM! Here's what Jon Stewart thought of the action:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democalypse 2012 - O Bama, Where Art Thou? Pt. 1
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Democalypse 2012 - O Bama, Where Art Thou? Pt. 2
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Seriously, I don't think Obama could've won the crowd if he'd busted out into Gangnam Style. There are two more debates to go...I hope Mr. Obama has the stomach for it. (worst segue ever in 3...2...1...) Hey, did anyone see the Wisconsin news anchor who's a little bit on the heavier side making the rounds on the talk shows this week? Here's why she's suddenly become a kind-of-household name... Holy shit! That chick just spent FOUR MINUTES on a MORNING SHOW speaking out against an asshole viewer! I say good for her. People in the media take a lot of shit from Average Joe Ass-scratcher sitting at home, thinking he can do the job in media better than the people working in the industry (in a few cases, he's right...don't tell him). These are the same assholes who believe that the replacement referees in the NFL should be set aflame to the delight of football fans everywhere. Hey, motherfuckers! You got a problem with what you're watching? Change the damn channel! Get your lazy fingers up and grab the remote and change it if you're not happy with it. Because the next time you, Joe Public, need "help" (read: retribution by putting some business that "done you wrong" on TV to screw that particular business) from a newsroom, they'll be less inclined to help. In fact, I've heard those phone calls and read those emails. Quite frankly, if you're not smart enough to realize you DIDN'T win an African lottery, then I'm not going to waste any of my already-anger-filled day on you. And more power to this anchor. Girls out there NEED more self-esteem! Their magazine racks are filled with 5'10" leggy blondes who don't eat more than a lettuce leaf a day just to get on the cover of a monthly rag that can't even make its subscription quota. (Sports Illustrated, I'm glancing in your general direction...) They're convinced if they don't look like that, they'll never be successful and no one will ever love them. So kudos to businesses who put normal-looking women in front of the cameras and in the magazine ads. Be you. Be happy about being you. Don't fit a mold...make a new one based around yourself. Because at the end of the day, an overweight news anchor from Wisconsin is getting more TV time than the asshole sitting in his recliner, bitching about how fat she is. I'm out. -B-

10,000!

Just a quick midweek post to thank all of you loyal readers...this blog has now received 10,000 views! Thank you all! We'll see you back here this weekend! -B-

It's. Just. A. Game. So CHILL OUT!

Breaking news from the Thinking Hard offices...I'm told as of 9:21 am ET Sunday, September 30, 2012...this blog has had 9,983 pageviews since its inception. We're almost to 10k, people! By this time next week, I imagine we'll have hit that mark. Prepare the party hats... But I'm being told I only have one minute left to write this week's blog because we had to leave more time for Justin Beiber and Usher. Billie Joe Armstrong, lead singer of Green Day, what do YOU think about only having one minute left? My point exactly. I am the fucking 80s. Also, Armstrong went to rehab shortly after and the rest of the band said they were NOT cut short. So, no, Billie Joe Armstrong, I don't have the time to listen to you whine about nothing and everything all at once. Let's see Justin Beiber's response... Yeah, that's how we all feel about your music, Justin. Unless we're girls younger than 25. Hey, I'd like to get something off my chest if you'll indulge me for a moment. A couple of sports stories caught my attention this week. First, a reporter tweeted something that got people upset. Unfortunate that there are now enough people with so little time on their hands that a random tweet caught their attention. Also unfortunate that it was tweeted in the first place. Ah, internet...are there any lives you CAN'T ruin? Also, anyone catch the NFL bullshit? While I'm talking about the story of the replacement refs filling in because of a contract dispute with the actual refs, I'm not referring DIRECTLY to that. No, I'm referring to the backlash from the fans. Oh. Mylanta. If you weren't following it, the nutshell is the replacement referees made some bad calls because, y'know, they're replacements and fans got REALLY pissed. Because there's nothing more distressing than having bad calls on the football field...except, maybe, NO GAMES AT ALL. And let's consider how much attention this story got in the mainstream media...which, I WILL quote Sarah Palin this time, can truly be considered the "lamestream" media. This was treated like a damn war! Except, of course, that the NEWS of ACTUAL WARS was shoved aside to make room for this dumb fucking story in newscasts. Come on, people! You should only be really upset if you're pissing away $15,000 on a bet on the Packers/Seahawks game...and then, you've got a bigger problem called "gambling addiction." And probably "foreclosure." And "divorce." And likely "alcohol abuse." Seriously, sports fans have done lost their damn minds. And for many, that's just part of a bigger issue. I know people who have passed up spending time with their families to go to games. Unless you're a 7-year-old cancer patient, your precious athletes probably aren't going to be there for you like your family. But I digress. I guess I could've just left this to Jon Stewart...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
NFL Referee Labor Dispute
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Ah, Jon Stewart's ass makes everything feel better... Look, sports fans, I have nothing against you. I would just like to see your religious fanaticism directed toward something...else. That's all. I love you crazy kids. Tell you what...let's end this week's blog with a shared laugh. The moral...always read the fine print. -B-

You Missed My Birthday

That's okay...I forgive you. Hey, welcome back to one of the best weeks ever here at Thinking Hard. 1. I took most of the week off to celebrate another anniversary of the day of my birth. (Still haven't decided if it was a good idea for Dad to say "Let's try it tonight WITHOUT the condom..") 2. Mitt F'n Romney. Hidden camera video FTW! Y'know, I get great joy out of seeing these clips during the campaign season (you're allowed to shoot as many campaigns as you can haul back to your truck), but let's be honest here...none of it has anything to do with the issues. We already know where Romney stands (business RULZ!) and we know where Obama stands (remember when you were afraid of "death panels?")...with the exception of international issues, Mr. Romney...so can we PLEASE get past the hidden camera videos and get to the real crux of the election? PLEASE???...well, maybe we can wait for Jon Stewart to take a few shots at Fox News (which, by the way, now has the BEST. NICKNAME. EVER.), but THEN...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Chaos on Bulls**t Mountain
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Chaos on Bulls**t Mountain - Video Distractions
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Chaos on Bulls**t Mountain - The Entitlement Society
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

(I think my favorite part of that last clip is when Craig T. Nelson believes there's a Food Stamp Fairy somewhere...) Y'know what, let's do one more. A wrap of the political conventions...with the most ignorant human being this side of Sarah Palin at the end of the clip:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Finger-Pointing Blame Game
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Man, what are we going to laugh at after Election Day? Hey, did you stand in line like an idiot this week to get the "new" iPhone? The iPhone 5 (see also: iPhone 4S minus useless things like ACCURATE MAPS) came out Friday. As an Android phone user (and iPod owner), it's frustrating that Apple gets the better apps FIRST. Seriously, I'm playing Matching with Friends and Gems with Friends on my iPod...because Zynga decided to release SLOTS WITH FRIENDS on the Android market instead. Seriously. Slots. It might as well be called "Gambling Addictions with Friends." Anywho, I briefly pondered picking up the new iPhone, but only if they were to put awesome new features on it. Like THIS "responsibly and accurately produced news report from the Fox station in New York" says it has. (I would TOTALLY have bought the iPhone for this) “Starting at $200 bucks, the iPhone 5 is sleeker, has a laser keyboard, holographic images and other cool new features.” In actuality, the reporter had seen a video produced by a visual effects company in San Francisco of ITS version of an iPhone 5 prototype. There are no laser keyboards or holographic images...yet. Also, I want to point out that the station removed the video of the original report, presumably out of embarrassment. Hell, I'm only a CASUAL follower of Apple, and even I knew there were no such features on the phone. I mean, I work with some imcompetent people, some of which TAKE their story ideas FROM Fox, but STILL... I don't mean to suggest that these reporters be killed by the mob. But we're moving on to video that can best be described as "whack"... That's out of Philadelphia. Philadelphia. Where traffic reporters go to get "whacked." -B-