Black Friday Deals On Sarah Palin Jokes

I'd like to start this week's installment of Thinking Hard by saying I SURVIVED BLACK FRIDAY! At 10am Friday, I went to a Target, a Best Buy, another store and a Starbucks and finished all of my shopping by 11:15am. Seriously, the longest line I stood in had only about 5 people for 3 cashiers. I didn't even have to get trampled for my trouble. I think some crazy people enjoy the rush of shopping at 3 or 4 in the morning...when you can find the same deals at 10am. More power to you, but I don't want to have to wear a protective cup to avoid serious injury in the throng of shoppers.

So, big week for the Palin family. America FINALLY came to its senses and voted Bristol off "Dancing with the Stars," giving Dirty Dancer Jennifer Grey the win. Sarah's had a busy week too. She talked to Sean Hannity on Fox "News" about whether she'd do another interview with "Gotcha Journalist" Katie Couric. Her response (keep in mind she's talking to SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS):

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No. I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting. I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported. And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us. So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."


"Spin and gin up?" Anyway, I guess I can appreciate the point by Mrs. Palin as she's speaking to SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS about journalists not spinning the facts and just presenting the information. And I can understand Sarah's concern about Katie Couric's bias...Couric, while speaking to a VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, believed said candidate would be well informed of world events and at least know the name of ONE WEEKLY NEWS MAGAZINE. Personally, I'm offended by Couric's lack of integrity and ethics and am going to write a stern letter to...that one magazine...with the, y'know, the writers and the pictures...they did a story recently on Iran or Iraq or Afghanistan, didn't they?...

Sarah showed how CLEARLY in the know she is on Glenn Beck's radio show this week. After a show of military force in North and South Korea, Palin offered HER opinion on the events:



Now, I'll be totally fair to Sarah here...she clearly just mis-spoke when she announced the U.S. support for NORTH Korea (or she didn't know there were TWO Koreas since she can't see THEM from her backyard). However, in listening to the first 20 or so seconds of her comments, I didn't get the sense that she had ANY idea what Beck was talking about. It kinda just sounded like "Let's support South Korea in whatever they do...even if it involves murdering children."

Palin was also a topic of discussion on "Larry King Live" without even having to be a guest. In fact, former President George H. W. Bush ("Thousand Points of Light" Bush, not "nu-cue-lar weapons" Bush) and his grandmo- er, I mean WIFE, Barbara Bush, were asked their opinion of the former VP candidate. Babs said it best:

"I sat next to her once. Thought she was beautiful. And she's very happy in Alaska, and I hope she'll stay there."

While Barbara was on a roll of saying what America thinks, she went on to ask George if he realized that people think she's his grandma and not his wife.

A tough week for "Sarah Palin's Alaska" on TLC...after a record-breaking premiere for the cable network, the second episode DROPPED 40% of its viewers. When asked about the drop in viewership, Palin replied, "I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of television ratings. And I have a communications degree."

Avril Lavigne did something interesting at the American Music Awards Sunday. She was describing the nominees for the alternative artist award and coined the new word "amaze-balls." Sarah Palin replied, "Oh, come ON! Why is she just making up words???"

In non-Sarah Palin news...an artist in New York is planning a new exhibit: he's had a small, flat camera implanted in the back of his head and will take still images of what's going on BEHIND him, to be put on display. In a related story, a creepy guy living near the artist had a small camera implanted in the top of his big toe and will be walking barefoot while suspiciously close to women's dressing rooms and ladies wearing skirts.

Hey, on a serious note, people who know me know I'm not always on Facebook and don't always appreciate it for what it is (though my hatred for Twitter is MUCH greater). However, I read a story this week about a brave woman who used Facebook in an emotional way. A 19-year-old woman in Argentina was at a park with her boyfriend when he started going through her text messages. He flew into a rage, accused her of betraying him and started hitting her. She reported the attack to police. She also took pictures of the injuries and posted them to Facebook saying, "Someone who claims to love you cannot do this to you. I’m uploading these pictures to give courage to other girls who have gone or are still going through what I’ve been through.” Her family didn't even know what she'd been going through. But her father, who's the president of the soccer team on which her now-ex-boyfriend played, fired the guy. Many people online have offered their support to this woman. And regardless of whether she has to see any of the strangers on Facebook face-to-face, I believe it took a lot of strength to be able to stand up in the world of social networking and say "This happened to me...and I don't want it to happen to you." The growth of social networking in the past few years has been HUGE, and quite frankly, this woman is probably reaching more people by doing this than if she limited her conversations to family and friends. It's good to see someone doing something IMPORTANT with social networks instead of offering pure drivel...like this blog. And this rather UNUSUAL push for a new guest host of Saturday Night Live:



To be fair, he can't be any worse than Scarlett Johansson. Man, that guy was terrible. Wait, what?...NOT a dude?...
-B-

If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested

Hey, you know what, Johnny Antiestablishment? You have one of three options: walk through the body scanner, get a patdown, or DON'T FUCKING FLY, YOU MORON! Personally, I'd prefer you take Option 3...because it means I'll get MY patdown sooner. In a line I wish I'd come up with this week, I wonder if TSA will start charging people who want a patdown a "baggage handling fee." Seriously, if you assholes complaining about the patdowns and body scanners (that are, mind you, in place to prevent ANOTHER 9/11 attack) have a BETTER idea that doesn't start with "just let" and end with "us through," the TSA's website is www.tsa.gov. I'm sure they'd love to hear your brilliant idea.

On another note of how americans just don't have a clue, Bristol Palin made it to the finals of "Dancing with the Stars." So, for those of you who haven't been watching this season, the finals are the chick from "Dirty Dancing," a chunky black kid whose claim to fame is being a chunky black kid on Disney Channel programming... and a chick who REALLY should have just said "No" to Levi...the daughter of a woman that the world should just say "No" to.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, her TLC reality show scored record premiere ratings for the network last week (Kate Gosselin's gonna be PIIIIISSSSSSSSED). And she told Barbara Walters she believed she could beat President Obama in 2012, which caused Walters' head to explode. Also, Ms. "Fox News, would you mind funding my 2012 presidential campaign" Palin received what I can only assume are accolades for her CREATIVE (read: awful, just plain awful) use of the English language:



Thanks, Oxford Dictionary for a notoriously bad idea: encouraging stupid people to expand the English language. And believe me, I know a lot about notoriously bad ideas. I keep having them. But nowhere NEAR as bad as the idea NBA star Tony Parker had: he's rumored to have slept with the wife of a former teammate. Don't remember Tony Parker? Here's a refresher: he married Eva Longoria. Now they're getting a divorce. And now, an open letter from Thinking Hard to Tony Parker:

Dear Tony,
REALLY?!
Love, Blaine
PS: Since you're great at having bad ideas, can you please send me your soon-to-be-ex-wife's phone number?

Hey, I went to see "Morning Glory" yesterday. Entertaining movie. I'm a big Rachel McAdams fan (read: stalker). It was fun to see how morning news was portrayed, especially the anchors who are difficult to work with. Hm...

Speaking of news, there are just some things on local news that I'll never understand HOW they make it on TV, but they entertain me nonetheless:





Well, THAT woman probably won't be out to do any Black Friday shopping this week. Ah, yes, how I love the holiday tradition of peaceful shopping among quiet, friendly customers. It's so tranquil. Hm, maybe I'll see what THIS store has to offer:



...perhaps not. Black Friday shopping seems like a notoriously bad idea.
Happy Thanksgiving!

-B-

Seriously, Can We PLEASE Vote Bristol Off "Dancing" Now???

I'm serious. Little Miss Palin has been on the bottom for the past three weeks and voters decided to give someone ELSE the boot. You're only encouraging the Palins. One more week of not getting booted...and ABC signs Bristol on as a "special correspondent" for Good Morning America. Meanwhile, George Snufflupagus laments for the times when he did ACTUAL news.

In sports news, go Cocks. (that might be my favorite line EVER in this blog)

Hey, want to antagonize a homeless cat from millions of miles away? A company has set up cat toys at two animal shelters so YOU can control the toys from your computer and entertain/annoy the cats right from your desk. Excited? Yeah, don't be. As you can imagine, every time I've tuned into the live web cam, the cats are mostly laying around with disinterest in the toys that are shaking around the room. I can't say I blame 'em...they're probably more interested in FINDING A HOME than playing with phantom toys. But, hey, if that's your cup of tea, Google the Idaho Animal Shelter or the Oregon Animal Shelter. It's fun to watch (if nothing else) the crazy cat people on the live chat: "I LOVE those kittehs! I want twenty to go with the forty I already own!" or "Why won't they play with me??? If they don't move, I'm going to KILL them!"

Big week to be a president of the free world. President Obama is facing down all of his creditors on a ten-day tour of Asia that includes the ever-popular G20 summit. Obama spent much of his speech Friday telling China how their economy needs help...though, I was strangely curious at how he referred to the country as "Kettle" and called them "black." And Former President W...er, Bush kicked off a book tour for his memoir this week. Seems like the right time to talk about the lowest part of his presidency, which is most assuredly Iraq or Katrina or something like that:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Decider Returns
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

Huh, how do you like that? I've officially made a NSFW (not safe for work) blog by including "Cocks" and "Bush." Well, since no one's going to get to read this anyway, let's close with what has got to be the WORST beginning to a newscast...that I've never been a part of:


Midday News Complete Disaster - Watch more Funny Videos

To be fair, at least Bristol Palin wasn't reporting.

-B-

A Midterm Victory For Fox News

Let's hear it for Fox News! The crew over at Rupert Murdoch's stronghold posted big election night ratings Tuesday...AND they got the GOP back in power in the House! What a huge night for Fox! Thank you, Fox, for proving that the American public WILL believe anything they see on TV. Actually, if you have a few minutes, Jon Stewart spoke with Fox anchor Chris Wallace after the elections, and I was actually surprised to see someone with journalistic integrity working for the big F...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Exclusive - Chris Wallace Extended Interview
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

So, yeah, another midterm election is in the books, and President Obama likely has a huge hangover because the House is now controlled by republicans and the democrats lost a few seats in the Senate. But again, I'd like to point out the squandered opportunity the democrats had to push through anything they wanted in the past two years. Instead, they played fair...and got next to nothing done. Tucker Max says it best: Assholes Finish First (now available at bookstores nationwide).

It was a pretty brutal campaign season. I showed a clip last week of Jon Stewart talking about all of the negative ads run in this year's campaign...and then I considered what would have happened if the founding fathers of our country had access to television and campaign spending:



But, hey, bonus points for anyone who went out this year and blew 20 minutes trying to figure out those electronic voting machines. Remember...elderly + techonology = explosions. At least they got out and voted. Bristol Palin was SO busy with her incomprehensible run on "Dancing with the Stars" that gosh, she plum forgot all about her silly little absentee ballot (tee hee). Look, Bristol, I know you've got a lot on your plate, dancing in gorilla costumes and whoring yourself out to every media outlet who will pay any attention to you (kinda like high school, no?), but how long can it possibly take to fill out an absentee ballot and mail it in??? You don't even have to GO anywhere except a MAIL BOX!! Oh, if only that could happen in 2012...

There IS some bad news to come with the midterm elections: Alvin Greene lost his bid to be senator of South Carolina. I know, I know, I'm heartbroken too. Can you imagine all of the awesome soundbites that would've been on the 24-hour networks for the next several months?? Ah, well, let's give him a proper send-off with video from his sparsely-attended concession party. See if YOU can figure out why he showed up (because I can't):



Finally, the days of drunk-texting are now behind us...and drunk-facebooking are here. Yes, somehow, people who are too drunk to operate a motor vehicle are finding ways to get home and somehow TYPE random crap on people's walls. Frankly, I didn't know there was a problem until I saw the OTHER Blaine Clark's facebook page. "I'm Blaine Clark, bitch"...CLEARLY that guy is drunk. So James Hartsell was kind enough to show me the next wave of anti-drunk-facebooking technology:

Social Media Sobriety Test from TDA_Boulder on Vimeo.

I'm still working on an app that will prevent people with a low IQ from calling TV stations...that includes the talent.

-B-