Same-Sex Marriage & Knock-Knock Jokes

We'll get to all that in a second, but first, this week's top story out of Spokane, Washington: Lessons to be learned here: ANY time a reporter is holding/wearing a microphone, they should not drop the f-bomb. Even if they think a microphone MIGHT be present. Also, to the editor who cut the piece, would it have killed you to actually spend an extra minute and a half WATCHING what you just edited to avoid this problem??? Fuck me.

Also, let's get a look at a shot from a live report from Florida station WCTV. Pay extra close attention to the ad showing behind the reporter:

For those of you playing along at home, the TV station advertised behind this reporter is NOT the TV station that this reporter works for. Let's hear it for unfortunate timing.

Hey, I don't know if anyone heard, but apparently same-sex marriage is now okay. Which is entirely cool with me. Same-sex couples should be allowed to be just as miserable as heterosexual couples who realize they shouldn't have gotten married. What struck me about this week's arguments about the ruling is that republican lawmakers...who fought so hard against same-sex marriage...now say the Supreme Court is in the wrong because it shouldn't be playing God. Yes. Only the republicans should be playing God. It says so in the Bible. Just ask them. The entire book basically says republicans know better than anyone else and changing with modern times is a terrible idea. Also, they seem really upset about the Supreme Court's actions, saying the justices aren't elected bodies and shouldn't overturn what the American public has voted on. I don't know if they missed civics class, but I always learned that the judicial branch of the government...which, y'know, includes the Supreme Court...was to set up a system of checks and balances so lawmakers don't get way out of line with their laws. But, hey, what do I know? I'm not a government major. Let's hear more on the topic:

Hey, knock knock? Who's there? I'm a terrible attorney. I'm a terrible attorney who? I'm a terrible attorney who's going to get the jury to hate me within the first 2 minutes of the defense's opening statements in its effort to save George Zimmerman from prison or death:


Man, even I could tear up that courtroom. I'd be like Eddie Murphy! "Trayvon Martin walks like THIS...but George Zimmerman walks like THIS...with a gun!"

Hey, has anyone played the next great computer game, Where in the World is Edward Snowden? It plays a little like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, except NO ONE EVER FINDS EDWARD SNOWDEN! Like reporters getting on a flight that they hear he's going to be riding on...and they don't WAIT to MAKE SURE HE BOARDS BEFORE THEY GET ON A PLANE TO CUBA! I can't even imagine the phone call to their boss: "Yes, I need a pick-up in Havana...do I have the interview with Snowden?...when you say 'with Snowden,' do you mean WITH Snowden?...do you mean I'm fired AFTER I get back to the U.S.?..."


Can you hear me shaking my head right now? Fuck me. I can't fucking find Edward Snowden today.

-B-

Creating Education Better

I love the Miss USA pageant. The odds are usually pretty good that you're going to get some really classic answers in the "interview" portion (which I like to refer to as "The essay exam that no one studied for"). You remember Miss South Carolina, right? With the "maps and such?" Looks like we got an "east coast vs. west coast" thing going on this year for most classically wrong answer... To be fair, she's from Utah, so it's a good thing she didn't get a gay marriage question. She probably thinks the only REAL form of marriage is "one man, one woman, one woman, one woman, one woman, one woman, one woman...etc."

Hey, y'all, let's see what's cooking with America's favorite diabetic..

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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I'd like to say 2 things. 1. I made that "non-fat" n-word joke before I saw it on The Daily Show (c'mon, guys, HIRE ME!). 2. I can't wait to see Paula try to make something with brown sugar now: "Now we grab 2 cups of br...wait, what's the term? African-American sugar?" or else she creates a new word "sigga."

Also, a quick note, actor James Gandolfini died this week. He went from inspiring the adult movie, "The Sopornos," to starring as Gandolf-ini in the Lord of the Rings movies. He was also in the Emmy-award winning movie "The Mexican." Also, only part of the information here is accurate. I had to do some research on Quickie-pedia, That's what the kids use these days, right? Anyway, sorry to see him go.

And if I can put in a quick review of the HBO series "The Newsroom": it's good.

-B-

You Know You're Having A Bad Day When...

...you have a Freudian slip at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT...like accidentally saying "Fag" before what appears to be a gay pride story and after what seems like it could be a story about gay boy scouts: ...when you tell people it's probably a good idea to try to outrun a tornado, then they drown in a tunnel trying to outrun said tornado...then you get blamed for it.

...you're single and you read a new study by cashback site Quidco that says, on average, men have 13 romantic relationships before settling down. Women have 10. And that you'll go on an average of SEVEN disaster dates. And that first dates alone cost $2,100 total for one's lifetime. And the average cost of the first year of a relationship is $5,600. And you spend the rest of your day trying to figure out exactly how much MORE than $5,600 you've blown on previous relationships. And then you break down and cry.

...you run out of things to put in your blog.

-B-

June=Nerdapalooza...and I LOVE IT!!!

Greetings from Charlotte, North Carolina, home of the annual HeroesCon Comic (and etc.) Convention. It's always a lot of fun with good art and great writers of the trade. But for the first time this year, convention attendees get a little EXTRA fun...the building that's holding the comic convention is also holding the STATE GOP CONVENTION! I'm telling you, I saw a LOT of nicely dressed old people walking through yesterday, trying to understand why some of the young'uns in line for the comic con were wearing full spandex outfits of Spider-Man...and several other characters they've never heard of and will never experience before the upcoming ends of their lives. SOOOOO entertaining. Also, it should be noted that the annual Electronics Entertainment Expo kicks off this week. Microsoft is making waves with its new Xbox video game console, the Xbox One. One of the key sticking points is that it requires the owner/user to connect to the internet on a fairly regular basis. Guys, remember when it was just an Atari or Nintendo? When you just plugged shit in and played it? Didn't have to worry about bandwidth. It was a good time. Sure, there are AMAZING games now. But for a company to basically require an internet connection to play those games? Terrible. And here's where I make my transition into national/local news this week. You know what else is terrible? Hearing "We're following breaking news...a little child/puppy/old Republican is missing. Let's go live to the search..." No one gives a shit. Breaking news is too often just BS to get eyes to a TV set. But here's a unique approach from a Fox (if you can believe it) station in Louisville, Kentucky: Breaking broken news. Outstanding. But I'm sure at least people at THAT station can tolerate each other...unlike THIS station: As I recall, one of those Type-A chicks is a beauty queen. Fits. Hey, take a look at this next story and see how many double entendres you can come up with. I can think of about a MILLION: My favorite part (aside from the thief wearing the fake wig to come back to the store...and dropping the ever important BOTTOM HALF of the mannequin) is where the reporter says the store brings couples closer together...and they show the handcuffs. TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE! I should be attached to a bed frame, not my partner.

Hey, I tried to download a piece of video, but I'm going to have to send you to this link instead. Sorry. But it's totally worth it. A couple of stations in Texas were covering a serious traffic issue. And one station decided to tweet another station's live coverage pictures out to ITS viewers. So that station called them on it. On air. This brief commercial is nothing short of AMAZING. Go watch it, then come right back. I'll wait.

.............

Oh, good, you're back. And now, my weekly award for the civilian who ABSOLUTELY did not want to be interviewed by her local TV station (who, frankly, just wanted to tell her someone had been arrested in the shooting of her daughter): ABC6 - Providence, RI and New Bedford, MA News, Weather Doesn't she kinda look like Jay-Z's sister? Looks almost as good as the most famous woman in Florida: I'm out. I have comics to buy and read.

-B-

Seriously, People, MOVE OUT OF OKLAHOMA!

This message has been brought to you by the Texas Tourism Authority. Seriously, though, ANOTHER round of deadly tornadoes smacked Oklahoma upside its head! To be fair though, Tornado Alley is like Rihanna...it's just begging to be smacked around. The state is so friggin' flat that it makes it almost a big neon sign that says "Tornadoes, hit here!" Tornadoes love flat land. It's just dangerous to move anywhere there. And, again, it's dangerous for news reporters and anchors as well. I mean, look at the lengths THIS station had to go to just to get news to people...

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So, yeah, Midwest be having tornadoes, West and East Coast be gettin' ready for hurricanes...and people in Minnesota just be happy it's not snowing.

Y'know, I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park. I even liked Minutes to Midnight, even though most people didn't. I also REALLY like Linkin Park's mash-up album with Jay-Z, Collision Course. Nothing like hearing Jay-Z drop "nigga" to LP's mad beats. So I don't know WHY it took so long for this (sort-of) mash-up...of Linkin Park and STONE TEMPLE PILOTS! LP's lead singer/screamer Chester Bennington is filling in for Scott Weiland...and I'm pulling for collaboration after hearing him: Game on.

-B-