Thinking Hard: The ORIGINAL East Coast Natural Disaster

I also toyed with calling this week's installment "Eff you, Irene" (you're welcome, Holly). Yes, if you're reading this on Saturday, you'll recognize this is an EARLY blog post. That's because I'm working Sunday morning because of this "frightening" hurricane that's now a Category ONE (as of Saturday, 8/26, 4am)...oooo, scarrrry. Now, don't get me wrong. When this storm was forecast as barrelling right at Charlotte (where I live) back on Tuesday, I was a little concerned. I don't do well with watersports, but I was ready to buy a kayak in case the water made it to my 2nd-floor apartment. But now, it's not going to do anything to my neck of the woods. I just stepped outside and felt a solid breeze, but that's it. Yet the local media insists on extended coverage of the storm that no one here gives a shit about...unless they have beachfront property, which, in that case, fuck them. So the storm is expected to make landfall here in a little while, then head north to New York where people are FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. To be clear, I DO understand that the city was built on a harbor of the ocean and any hurricane problems could cause a soggy Big Apple. But New York has already freaked out once this week for something that wasn't major: an east coast earthquake. Yes, a 5.8 earthquake hit Virginia this week and spread outward. My co-workers in Charlotte felt it. I did not. I was disappointed as I really wanted to feel a tame earthquake, just to say I had felt it. The quake also spread to New York, where video footage this week showed people "escaping disaster" by heading TO THE ROOF OF 30 ROCK! Are you guys fucking kidding me??? You DO understand gravity, right? I know it's a long way down to street-level for some of you...and if any buildings fall into the street, you're dead...but if you're on the TOP of a TALL BUILDING when something SHAKES IT or BRINGS IT DOWN, there's a good chance you WILL PLUMMET TO YOUR DEATH (see also 9/11/01). Perhaps your building's disaster plan should be fine-tuned. Fortunately, no one died in this week's quake, but the Washington Monument has some cracks in it, so it's going to be extracted and replaced with a wooden monument. (what...no one reading this blog studies history? COME ON! I'm trying to make a clean historical joke about George Washington's wooden dentures!)

One thing I AM excited about is the bevy (great word) of new words in Merriam-Webster's dictionary this week. Keep in mind, this is different than the Oxford English Dictionary's annual list of new words. Merriam-Webster is just catching up. An example of how far behind the old M-W is: they just added "cougar." Seriously? Cougars have been in the lexicon for YEARS! Also added: bromance, which has been around as long as Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have been sleeping together "working on movies together." Also: duathlon. Really? How has THIS not been in the dictionary? I would've thought it would be listed in the "see also" section under TRIathlon. How about this one: parkour. Yes, parkour, James Hartsell. The internet fad of the early 2000s is FINALLY making it into the dictionary, now that it's no longer relevant. Way to go, Merriam (and don't you go trying to blame Webster for this one!). Honestly, the only word the dictionary's adding that's TRULY relevant right now is the same one that makes me want to burn every copy of the dictionary I own: tweet. Merriam-Webster, see also "How I Feel About Hurricane Irene." Dicks.

-B-