To Prepare For The Future, One Must Look To The Past

One of the biggest questions I get is "Blaine, why do you insist on wearing your underwear OUTSIDE of your clothes?" It's because I'm Batman...shhh, don't tell anyone. Another of the big questions I get is "Blaine, what did you do before Thinking Hard and working in the unseasonably warm city of Charlotte, North Carolina?" Good question. Before I moved here, I lived in Louisville, Kentucky, home of the Kentucky Derby (and let me tell you, if you want to see a bunch of people flashing their chests...including some GUYS...go to the infield of the Kentucky Derby). But before then, I worked in my hometown of Des Moines, Iowa. I worked for the perpetual number 3 TV station. Higher management there had some...um...issues. So I wasn't completely horrified when I escaped. I figured I'd never have to hear about my old station ever again. And just when I was lulled into a false sense of security, they went and did something stupid: they made it on The Colbert Report...

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(For the record, John Walters and Brad Edwards have been there forever and are two of the most personable on-air talents I have ever enjoyed working with...any other on-air talent that worked there when I did has jumped ship. Good for them.) And even though it SEEMS like Colbert is satirizing the station's news content with a story about a garage sale, it's entirely accurate. I'm glad to see things haven't changed much in my absence.

While we're glossing over the massive stock market movements over the past week, let's continue our look at the Iowa Straw Poll. The state has hosted the unusual pre-voting forum for years as a way to draw more people to the state in the middle of August, where the only real draw is deep fried (insert your favorite dessert or condiment here) on a stick. Buncha fatties walking around the Iowa State Fair, I tell you what. But the straw poll means dick. Much like the Iowa Caucuses, where Hillary Clinton won before the 2008 election...congratulations, President Pantsuit...what?...what do you mean "didn't win"? Well, while Rick Perry/Parry skipped the Straw Poll, Michele Bachmann won it. Perhaps you've seen her major cover photo on Newsweek:

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I'd buy the issue and frame it, but I'm a little concerned it would frighten small children. You might also remember Bachmann's husband claims he can "fix" gay people. To that end, there's been discussion this week that popular Sesame Street characters Bertram and Ernest (adding a little class to the show, I see) should get married. NO! Uh-uh! And it's not because of the whole gay marriage issue (which I support...why not let gays and lesbians be as miserable as heterosexual married couples and NOT go cranking out a shitload of unnecessary children). It's because it's already been done. You might have heard about a bawdy little Broadway puppet musical called "Avenue Q." In it, two puppets named Rod and Nicky (who are similar to Bert and Ernie) find love with each other. In fact, when New York approved same-sex marriages, the puppets got married on the first day! So, Bert and Ernie, your shark has already been jumped. Better find some new schtick that makes you one-of-a-kind. Like NOT wearing turtleneck sweaters, Bert.

Finally, if you're familiar with me or this blog, you know how much I LOATHE Twitter. If ever there was a complete waste of space, it would be a tie for first place between Twitter and Thinking Hard (thanks for reading). But I DO enjoy good humor. That said, if you are indeed a Twitter-er...er... might I suggest following the user @Channel11News. It's a completely fictional account and it's funny for anyone who's ever seen those ridiculous "What's in your water COULD kill you!" commercials. Highlights include:

"Stories we're working on: Summer's best fruit salad recipe. Also, the area man who can't stop killing robins." (I have a Robyn I'd like that guy to meet)

"We'll take you inside a kindergarten classroom where the kids are learning telemarketing and light welding. What's your stance?"

Personally, I think child telemarketers would be easier to hang up on.

-B-