The Tournament Continues...

Welcome to MY Final Four of "Hottest Mess in Entertainment." Today, it's top-seeded Britney Spears vs. seventh-seeded Angelina Jolie... and fourth-seeded Nicole Richie vs. sixth-seeded Lindsay Lohan. (for these games, the special referee will be Winona Ryder, who I'm told can NOT STOP STEALING SHIT FROM STORES! Seriously, I guess she was arrested again for shoplifting.)

Okay, sports fans...(1) Britney Spears vs. (7) Angelina Jolie
Y'know, I thought FOR SURE Spears was a lock...AGAIN...in the tournament. But I watched her guest stint on How I Met Your Mother, and I swear the show producers built a time machine, went back in time 5 years (pre-Timberlake, pre-K-Fed, pre-MTV Reality, pre-crackwhore, pre-natal) and plucked the NORMAL Britney out of the timestream, then brought her back for this "Very Special Episode" of How I Met Your Mother. Seriously, she seemed ditzy, but "Acting Ditzy." You know, like when President Bush says we're not in a recession? He has a promising future in Hollywood. He'll be like Ronald Reagan, but backwards. He's already got a great start...voters are already trying to forget Bush was ever in the White House.
Final analysis: A BIG upset here, but as the kids on South Park say, hasn't Britney been put through enough? I mean, seriously...she slept with K-Fed AT LEAST twice!
Winner: Angelina Jolie. She should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Largest Family Out of Wedlock." Not that I'm judging...

(4) Nicole Richie vs. (6) Lindsay Lohan
I read today film execs are FINALLY ready to release Lohan's latest film where she plays a woman who met, Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon. The film's called "Chapter 27," and Jared Leto plays Chapman. They wrapped up filming in 2006. Now, Lohan is coming out to say people didn't want her to make the movie. Not even her fans. She says she got death threats because "it's a touchy subject." I'll say...I've been watching her act for years, and I DEFINITELY don't want her associated with anything remotely related to the Beatles. I don't even want her to BUY a Volkswagen Beetle! I don't even want her to raise a DUNG BEETLE! I didn't see "I Know Who Killed Me," but I'm pretty sure it should have been renamed "I Know Who Killed My Acting Career" and it would still be a dual role...Lindsay Lohan acting onscreen (and committing career suicide) and Lindsay Lohan offscreen (and doing every single drug and sexual maneuver known to man..and quite a few that aren't). What, if there's not a sentient vehicle in a movie (which, by the way, THE LOVE BUG WAS A BEETLE), she can't act on her own??? She needs four wheels to do it??? Actually, her sitting behind the wheel of Herbie was the last time we DIDN'T see Lohan's ass plastered all over the big screen!
Final Analysis: ...oh yeah, I guess Nicole Richie was in this too.
Winner: You have to ask?

So, the championship game is between Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan!
...crap...we have a problem...
OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE THE TROPHY?
-B-