Bail Money and Bailouts

If your Christmas shopping isn't done yet, might I suggest a new car?

For weeks, we've been listening to the CEOs of the Big 3 U.S. Automakers (GM, Ford and Chrysler) beg and plead on Capitol Hill for billions of dollars in bailout money. Hell, $700B is on its way through the BANKING sector (at a rate that's so fast, even the U.S. Treasury Department can't track it...now THAT'S financing!), why can't the auto industry have a chunk too?

You might remember a few weeks ago, the CEOs...whom I will now refer to as Larry, Moe and Shemp (because being called "Curly" would be too good for these money-grubbers)...spoke before Congress and asked for $25B in bailout money on top of another $20B already on its way to them. Congress lambasted Larry, Moe and Shemp for flying in THEIR CORPORATE JETS to the hearings. Fair enough. This week, the Stooges returned to Capitol Hill, this time carpooling and driving fuel-efficient vehicles (what a novel concept). Apparently, they thought they had done a good enough job traveling to the hearings, because they asked for $9B MORE than what they had originally asked for...a total of $34B. YOU...HAVE...GOT...TO...BE...HIGH!

Fortunately, Congress is doing something right. This morning, sources report to ABC News that a bailout of the auto industry has been approved...sort of. You see, instead of $34B, the auto industry will get $15-17B. And it's coming out of money that was ALREADY going to the industry for...get this...researching and developing ENERGY-EFFICIENT, ENVIRONMENTALLY-FRIENDLY VEHICLES!!! Oh, that's awesome. See, if automakers hadn't been charging $22,000 for a hybrid vehicle versus $17,000 for a car that runs on GAS-OH-LEEN, they'd be selling more hybrid vehicles, which means more would be made, which means fewer people would need to fill up their gas tanks 3 times a day, which means gas demand would drop, which means gas PRICES would drop and the environment would be cleaner and we'd be saving the earth. But...no. In fact, this week, new numbers were released to show there are more greenhouse gases in the atmosphere than this time a year ago! Is ANYONE paying attention to what they're doing???

I'm all for employment. In October of this year, more than HALF A MILLION Americans lost their jobs because we're in "a recession" (which really means we're in a DEPRESSION and no one wants to admit it). Many of those cuts came from the auto industry. Blue-collar workers earning $28/hour got the pink slip. In reality, the assembly-line workers AREN'T AT FAULT! They're just putting together the cars. They're not affecting whether the cars are affordable or energy-efficient. Instead, the higher-ups (read: Larry, Moe and Shemp) are pocketing money left and right, refusing to take any kind of pay cut because, hey, why start now? Why not just fire a bunch of people on the assembly line? Why not rob those people of happy holidays, and even better, why not make an environment of fear for the workers who are still employed..for now?

Sure, the Stooges volunteered to work for only a dollar a year...for one year. Really? How about a permanent, LESS ridiculous pay cut that can stave off the problems in your industry for longer than a couple of weeks? You're a trio of greedy sonofabitches who valued your bottom dollar and forgot about the bottom line...people buy affordable cars that don't require them to spend $40 a week on gas. I'd hope you three end up in the poorhouse...if I wasn't so concerned about your employees. I guess for this Christmas, I hope God and Santa leave you a truckload of good sense in your stocking...either that or reindeer poop.

Speaking of reindeer poop...actually, this has nothing to do with reindeer poop, but more with someone "coming down O.J. Simpson's chimney," if you know what I mean. I'm talking about the joy many inmates will soon have in anally raping the former NFL star. Some might call it comeuppance, but The Juice was sentenced to at least 8 years in prison Friday for his role in an armed robbery in Las Vegas. The family of Ron Goldman (the guy O.J. might've possibly thought about killing along with his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson) watched as The Juice let the crocodile tears flow and apologized for the robbery, then led out of the room in shackles. The Juice won't be loose for a long time.

Finally, I found a new columnist to read. He's started a column on slate.com and opined this week about how the government needs to stop bailouts. He makes reference to a new deal by GE to buy airplanes made in China...and not the U.S. Seriously, if you've never read anything by this Eliot Spitzer guy, you should really OPEN UP TO HIM. (His name rings some bells, but I can't remember where...) Really, if there's anything this guy knows, it's HOW TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. (Seriously, I know this guy from somewhere. Maybe he taught me some things in college...) Well, anyway, here's the link if you want to give him a try. Seems like he'd have a few TRICKS up his sleeve if he was to become, say, the CEO of a U.S. automaker. After all, what could it hurt to give this guy a test drive?
-B-