What's A Moose Scared Of, Anyway?

I need to start this post with some sad news...one of my favorite film actresses of all time has died. Marilyn Chambers, star of the adult-film classic "Behind the Green Door," died two weeks ago. She was a classic XXX-rated actress. I haven't heard much about how she died...probably choking. Wonder what her coffin looked like. I imagine there was room enough to stuff 2, maybe 3 people in there. It's ironic that SHE will be buried in the HARDEST WOOD they can find.

Moving ahead...

I see Ford Motors is looking for a new Public Relations person. Qualifications include being able to say "We're confident the economy will turn around soon and in our favor, but in the meantime, we believe Americans want to be quality products they can only find from American automakers" with a straight face.

Also in the auto industry, Italian automaker Fiat posted first-quarter losses of $530 million, which is....carry the 12...multiply by 3.14....some high number of euros. Anyway, you might remember President Obama's warning to Chrysler that the company had just a few weeks to avoid being closed, and to do so, Chrysler had to work out a merger deal to buy Fiat. Oh, that's going to go well. It's like getting sprayed by a skunk and being told "Well, you can get rid of the smell by smearing feces all over yourself." How does THAT help? Although, at least that way, you only smell like your shit. Meantime, I'm considering buying a new car...from Toyota. Hey, I'd buy American, but car performance as of late is more disappointing than that time I asked an IKEA salesman where I could find the Bjork section...and he showed it to me. The Swedes just don't understand humor. Stupid bikini teams.

For those of you keeping up with this site (and, really, what else better do you have to do?), you know I've been following former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich closely. So closely, in fact, I'm saving a little energy by drifting behind his hair (that's a little NASCAR joke...a VERY little one). Anyway, he asked a judge to let him go to Costa Rica to be part of NBC's reality show "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" The judge's response? Ah...no. The judge suggested "Blago No Go-Go" and instead stay in the states to work with his defense team, who are struggling to save him from saying "I can't talk about the details here because Illinois state law won't let me, but I look forward to presenting the facts in court" on the witness stand. Actually, Blago taped a promotional commercial for the reality show anyway. Why? Are they changing the name to "I'm A Celebrity, Get This Shiv Out Of My Ass"? Oh, and replacing Blagojevich...Sanjaya from "American Idol." Maybe they need to change the name to "I Think I'm A Celebrity, Give A Shit About My Ass." Also coming to the show: Heidi and Spencer from MTV's "The Hills." I'm looking forward to seeing them on their first-ever reality show.

Olympic champion and that guy you'll see dealing the weed tucked in his speedo, Michael Phelps, says he plans to use a new freestyle technique when he comes to a swim meet in Charlotte, North Carolina, in May. Will that "new technique" be trying to smoke the bong through his ass? OH...a new SWIMMING technique! I understand it's called the "Wow, this water is SOOO blue" stroke. It's guaranteed to shatter the world record for SLOWEST 50-METER SWIM.

Let's talk about "Kids, Man"... (thanks, The Soup!)

Lawmakers in the Dominican Republic want to ban parents from choosing vulgar names or names like "Dummy" for their children. The parents of SpankmyasslikeIlikeit Vasquez said, "What?" Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz, parents of BRONX MOWGLI, were quoted as saying "HOLY SHIT...oh, wait...thank GOD we don't live THERE!" A quick side note...some of the names already on the registry include Mazda Altagracia, Toshiba Fidelina, Querida Pina (Dear Pineapple), Tonton Ruiz (Dummy Ruiz) and Winston Churchill de la Cruz. Which is more insulting...being named after a piece of electronics ("It's what we were watching when you were conceived") or being named after a fruit ("It's what was shoved up my ass when you were conceived")?

Apple ripped a "game" off iTunes this week that was available for the iPhone and iPod Touch called "Baby Shaker." For those of you not technologically inclined, the iPhone and iPod Touch have motion sensors built in for some of the applications. So, of course, some a-hole decided to make a game that shows a picture of a baby, accompanied by the child's wailing and crying. The goal: tolerate the crying as long as you can, then shake the phone vigorously until the baby stops crying (see also: DIES). The game was available for about a day...for less than the price of a box of Pampers. It's disgusting. No child should EVER be shaken so hard they die. Though, to be fair, there are a few obnoxious children who wail in the mall so loud I think my colon's going to evacuate its contents. You have a better chance of being struck by lightning, a bus, or an errant moose than you are NOT hearing "BUY ME THAT!" in any store. I understand Build-a-Bear Workshop and K-B Toys, but Victoria's Secret? Really???

Speaking of obnoxious children and moose, a group of 8th graders in Alaska (go figure) are in trouble for what happened when they were let outside for PE class. Turns out, there was a moose outside. And instead of just quietly watching it, they taunted the thing so badly it ran its own head into a fence until it killed itself (come to think of it, that's what I think of doing somedays when I hear them in the store). And somewhere, Governor Palin is thinking "So if I sell the helicopter and hire five children instead..." Seriously, I'm more disappointed in those children than I was when I first heard Ohio Representative John Boehner's name pronounced CORRECTLY. That was a dark, dark day.

Now, the one story out of this week that I can't even BEGIN to explain without showing you the story out of Washington state...you're never gonna believe this:

Those crazy frat boys...wait, what?...oh, I'm being told it was a 5-year-old. My bad. So, I'm going to bypass all the fecal humor here (because that's WAY too predictable for this column). Instead, check out one email sent to the TV station that covered the story: "This is a perfect example of how the mainstream media overlooks the real issue here. Why was this student attending kindergarten when he was not potty trained?!!!" Exactly my point! Why let little Defe-Katie or Uri-Nate in around other children if they're just gonna sit there and play "Let's Go Boweling"? I'm joking. Whatever idiot sent that email to the station has problems. Don't worry, Sir or Miss, in just a few years, you'll ALSO be wearing diapers and other people will be bitching about why YOU can't keep (sh)it in your pants.

Maybe this week will be better. I'd like to do one job instead of three.
-B-