The Semis and the Finals

Welcome back to the Hottest Mess 2009 Tournament here on Thinking Hard. We have some tough action going into the finals, so let's get to our Fungal Four...

Patti Blagojevich vs. Lindsay Lohan
First, I should congratulate Mrs. Blagojevich. The indictment against her husband (y'know, the former governor of Illinois who ALLEGEDLY tried to sell Barack Obama's old Senate seat) came out Thursday and did NOT include her name. Hey, let's hear it for beating the system! Woot! But it's going to be hard to top LiLo. The girl is AGAIN (yawn) rumored to be on the outs with boyfriend Sam Ronson...wait, that's a CHICK??? How do I always get that wrong? Must be my 20/20 vision...but that's not all! So, Lily Allen was doing a show in Los Angeles Thursday night and for an encore, she did what's apparently the cool thing to do...sing a song by tournament-ousted Britney Spears. But if you don't want to hear her rendition of Womanizer, at least check out the unintentional (read: uninvited) cameo at about 3:30 in...



Yes, in a (we can only hope) drunken stupor, Lohan did what's apparently the cool thing to do...randomly go up on stage and make friends with the pink blob who's making all the hypnotic noise. That way she won't attack Lindsay. Also, Lohan's animal-print Snuggie is lined with tinfoil. So, CLEARLY, the hotter mess here is...wait, WHAT?
Winner: Patti Blagojevich
What the hell is going on here???

Amy Winehouse vs. Nadya Suleman
This week, Winehouse was whooping it up at Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas and found out the dress she wore to sing for Nelson Mandela in (he turned 90 at that performance...interpreters say he was shocked to find someone MORE malnourished than anyone he'd seen in Africa) would go on display at Hyde Park. To celebrate, she bought everyone in the bar a tequila shot. Well, to be more accurate, she bought ninety tequila shots...and those greedy fuckers just helped themselves! Hey, a girl's gotta get her drink on! As for Suleman, she was the victim of vandalism this week. Someone threw a child seat through the rear window of her minivan (right above the bumper stickers that read "Eight is NOT Enough" and "If you're close enough to read this, can you please let me know how many of my children fell out of the van?"). Given Suleman's recent acceptance of charity, I'm sure she looked at the seat, accused it of spying on her and threw it across the street...hopefully without the baby in it.
Winner: Nadya Suleman

So, the finals of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament will be Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman. We'll have that game in a moment, but first, a political message from one of the former competitors in this year's tournament...



*Paid for by Russians Who Can See Sarah Palin From Their Houses*

Now, the finals...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman
Patti's enjoying some R&R ("Running from the law" & "Rolling over on her husband") with soon-to-be-incarcerated Rod Blagojevich at the happiest place on Earth, Disney World ("Rod Blagojevich, you just tried to benefit from one of the most dramatic presidential elections ever...what are you going to do now? I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"). Shit you not. They were going to ride Space Mountain, but when they realized they couldn't trade it for a cabinet position, they left. We've been doing some digging into Nadya Suleman's past. Turns out she used to be a stripper! You know, thinking of that reminds me of my family vacation to the Grand Canyon...
The judge has made a decision...and it's...
Patti Blagojevich? Really? This seems a little too Cinderella-y for me. Let me find that judge...here he is...and it's...
ROD BLAGOJEVICH??? (Why do I feel like I'm on Scooby-Doo?) OF COURSE! Who had the most to benefit from Patti's victories? You were trying to sell her!...yes, I realize you were sitting on a "fucking goldmine"...yes, I realize the law forbids you from talking about the charges, but allows you to not talk about the charges all over your media tour...look, I don't care! You're playing on Thinking Hard's court...and Thinking Hard RULES!
Your Hottest Mess of 2009: Nadya Suleman

(seriously, was there any doubt?)

I just received the trophy BACK from Suleman. She accused it of spying, threw it at me and drove off...with three of her children running alongside the van...

-B-