Thinking Hard With Andy & Blaine: Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Grim Reaper?

It's a sad day here at the offices of Thinking Hard...famous child actor Gary Coleman died Friday. Rarely have I seen a child actor squander his celebrity so much like Gary Coleman. In the past two years, I've seen this guy's mug shot, I've seen this guy show up with his crazy-looking wife on Divorce Court and I've seen this guy WALK OUT of an interview on The Insider. Yes, the guy who took his wife to DIVORCE COURT thought he was too good to finish his interview on THE INSIDER. So, current and prior child actors, take note...this is what NOT to do with your life.

Also, another passing...actor Dennis Hopper, known best to my generation as the guy who forced Keanu Reeves to keep that damn bus going at 50 mph in "Speed," has died. He's also well-known to my generation as the bad guy in "Super Mario Bros. The Movie," so you get a good idea of where his career has gone.

Enough doom, not enough gloom...BP says its "top kill" method of trying to seal off a rushing flow of oil with a wall of MUD did NOT work. I can't imagine why. What kind of brain trust do they have going on over there??? "Um, sir, I believe if we develop a large cork, we could stick one in each hole and go back to raping the American populace at the gas pumps." Seriously. It should also be noted that the Trans-Alaskan oil pipeline also sprung a leak in the past week (obviously overshadowed by a shitload of oil in the Gulf of Mexico). Now, I don't know much about science, but since the appearance of oil, haven't we KNOWN it's an environmental hazard and a limited resource? Shouldn't we have been developing NEW forms of energy? Like, I don't know...WIND??? At least you know that's consistently around! I'd suggest water, since 3/4 of the planet is made of it, however we'd probably use all of it up in a year...because we're awesome like that.

You know what I need right now? Some childlike joy. Something that can't POSSIBLY be offensive or inappropriate (as I have been known to be on many occasions). Ah, here, this is what I'm talking about...London unveiled its mascots for the 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games:

Now that's what I like to see...good wholesome fun. There's nothing offensive at all about a tall, slender thing with only one eye...and it looks so polished...almost like a knob of sorts...I'M TALKING ABOUT A PENIS! These things look like a couple of penises! Seriously, they're cool-looking, but I'm just waiting for one of them to spit in my face.

Hey, quick quiz...what's the number-one activity done while driving? Give up? According to a survey, it's eating. Yup, a vast number of people say they eat their Whoppers behind the wheel. That number is much higher than the much-maligned-by-Oprah TEXTING. Maybe the queen of the "No-Phone Zone" should stop people from making trips to Starbucks on their way to work...and make their cars a "No-Scone Zone." (mmm...scones...) Also, 15% of the people polled admitted to SEXUAL ACTIVITY behind the wheel! (They don't call 'em "Hummers" for nothing...) Maybe Oprah also wants to have people sign the pledge to make their cars a "No-Bone Zone." (yup, inappropriate...and proud of it)

Speaking of bad ideas, Time Magazine just put out its list of the top 50 worst inventions of all time (I still think "oil rig" should make the list). Highlights include: Clippy, the animated paperclip "assistant" that keeps asking you if you need his help writing a letter (hey, nosey, get the fuck off my computer!); the Segway, which proved Americans (who are already out of shape) no longer need to actually WALK anywhere (I wonder if there's a weight limit to those things...and if I can get one with a seat...I just can't stand that long...oh, wait, it's called a WHEELCHAIR!); Auto-Tune (aw, come on!); the Ford Pinto (never again will a car be named after a bean); Red Dye No. 2, which was used in red M&M's...and thought by soviet scientists to be a link to cancer (ah, Russia, is there NOTHING you can't take the fun out of?)...there were no red M&M's for a DECADE!; Parachute jackets (what, no pants???...please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em); Tanning beds (giving even the WHITEST folks cancer for years); Crocs (try 'em on an escalator, kids!); Asbestos (yummy); Fake ponytails (I'm look at YOU, Kate Gosselin...); HeadOn (apply directly to the forehead); and the Snuggie for Dogs. Yes, I'm convinced owners who dress their dogs up already have mental issues...but to put a SNUGGIE on a DOG to keep its FUR WARM is just fucking stupid.

And now, a moment of "More Fucking Around With Kids"...