Irrefudiatability

Have you ever been out at a bar or a party (or a "barty") and been one of the more sober people there...and tried to get in a conversation with one of the drunks or soaks (or "droaks")? Generally, they'll respond to you with a mess of rambling or gibberish (or "ramberish") and you won't have any idea what they're saying...but they'll think they're spouting off an honors thesis. My point...have you MET Sarah Palin? This week, Ms. Newsweek said muslims should oppose plans to build a mosque at the site of the 9/11 attacks at the World Trade Center in New York. Fair enough...I can understand her request. But I CAN'T understand the word she used for "oppose"...REFUDIATE. I've watched a LOT of spelling bees in my day, and I have NEVER heard that word before. Know why? Because it doesn't exist. Okay, so Palin mis-spoke. All she has to do is apologize for the misunderstanding...except she's not. Instead, she's suggesting she came up with a new word. She also says "William Shakespeare made up words all the time." Really? REALLY? You're comparing your hillbilly intellect (or "hillbillect"...look, I can come up with new words too!) with that of one of the greatest poets of the last 500 years? True, his works have been published MILLIONS of times over and your works are getting up there...but YOURS are being published because you're a FUCKING IDIOT (or "fuckiot")! I tell you what...you can continue to live in your little "Undictionation" and call up your buddy, President W, and the two of you can make your OWN version of a Merriam-Webster dictionary. Maybe Fox News will publish it for you. Fuckiot.

It's been a factually-inaccurate week, er LIFETIME, for Ms. Palin. This week, she endorsed a candidate for senator of New Hampshire and referred to Kodiak Island in Alaska as the biggest island in America. Good try...but FAIL. As it turns out, the Big Island of Hawaii is about 440 square miles larger. 440 miles...that's about the distance from Palin's backyard to Russia. You'd think she'd know better. Later in that same endorsement, she credited the candidate with having won a case before the Supreme Court. As state attorney general, the candidate defended a law requiring parental notification for teens seeking abortions. But it was REPEALED after the Supreme Court sent it back to a lower court. But that doesn't matter apparently. I mean, it would be like saying Levi Johnston will never again be in Bristol's life because they'd already broken up once and anything that happens after that doesn't matter. By the way, congratulations on the engagement of Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin.

Let's go three-for-three in my Palin dogpile...there's talk of Palin and Kate Gosselin co-starring in a TLC show. I assume we'll be calling it "Mothers Behaving Badly." Perhaps "Close Your Legs."

Now to other competitors in the Hottest Mess Tournament...Lindsay Lohan is now in jail. Yes, she went behind bars earlier this week as some fuckiot in the crowd threw gold confetti (to make LiLo feel more at home, that person should have thrown cocaine). Now, Norton, the computer security software company, has teamed up with LiLo to pitch its new software, citing "dangerous, spy-ridden" websites that are often found in Google searches for celebrities. Y'know, this is brilliant...I don't think there's anyone else out there who knows viruses as much as LiLo.

Elsewhere in the hot messes, Rachel Uchitel, who was reportedly one of the first women to have an affair with Tiger Woods, is joining the cast of "Celebrity Rehab." No word yet what habit she's trying to kick, but I bet it's steroids. I hear those people like to take their shots in the ass.

Hey, send a sympathy card over to Fox News...Glenn Beck says he's going blind. He reported this week he's suffering from macular dystrophy. I don't know much about the disease, but I imagine the symptoms include crying on camera and an extreme inability to see anything from the left.

An unusual interview out this week by GQ with the king of "Caddyshack" and "Ghostbusters," Bill Murray. He did the voice of Garfield in the recent live-action film. But Murray says he did the film for an unusual reason...he wanted to work with a Coen brother. For those of you who don't know, the Coen brothers are the writers responsible for such big hits as "The Big Lebowski" and "Fargo." They have big reps in Hollywood, so there shouldn't be any doubt that Murray would want to work with them...except the writer who wrote the Garfield movie has the last name COHEN. With an H. Too much drinking before reading the contract apparently. GQ called Murray out, however, about his decision to go ahead and do the sequel to the Garfield movie. He couldn't answer that. In fact, he couldn't even NAME his co-star in the Garfield movie...a young, unknown actress by the name of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. Oh, yes, I can see where THAT would escape him, especially since he described her as having a "one-in-a-million" body. That's classy Bill Murray...no names, please, and pick up the $20 on the dresser on the way out.

Let's take a moment and give you something to do with your free time...there's a website that will analyze your handwriting and see what famous author shares your writing style. Just click on this site and have fun.

However, there are some things you should NOT be doing with your free time. Vodka Eyeballing, for one. Yes, some kids have decided to take vodka shots in the eye because they believe the eyes direct contact with blood vessels causes them to absorb the vodka faster and get drunk faster. Close. Doctors say it really only causes people to GO BLIND! On the plus side, there's apparently a future for those people waiting in the dictionary business or at Fox News. Fuckiots.

-B-