A Tribute To Dads

Welcome, everyone, to this special Father's Day edition of Thinking Hard. It's a day to salute the people who, in the span of about five minutes, contributed to your existence, then put up with morning sickness, hormonal overload and screaming from your MOTHER for the next nine months. Or, as I like to think of this day, "Ah, if only I could have that five minutes back."

So, big daddy John McCain (y'know, the guy with the "Pro-Sex, Pro-Gay Marriage" daughter Meghan...oh, and I'm being told he also ran for president last year. Huh, who knew?) is spending his father's day learning about new technology. The senator posted a "tweet" on his Twitter feed this week that he just bought a new car. It's a 2010 Ford Focus HYBRID. He was apparently impressed by the 41 miles per gallon it gets on the highway and 36 miles per gallon it gets in the city. I'm not quite sure which part of this story bothers me more...the fact that he uses Twitter, or that he probably thought a "hybrid" was a stagecoach with the legs of a horse. He's old.

Speaking of older presidential candidates, remember that John Kerry guy from 2004? He's apparently starting another career, one that I'm SURE will be as successful as his career as "Guy Who Couldn't Beat The Village Idiot." Let's see here, it looks like he's going to be a...what??? A MOVIE PRODUCER??? He's asking lawmakers for $300k to produce a documentary about injured Iraw war veterans. Maybe he's hoping for lightning to strike twice, as the film's director is the guy who directed "Pumping Iron" about bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger, who went on to have a high government position: "Maria Shriver's husband." Wow, Kerry's really stepping out on a limb for this one. If it's successful, he could always produce another film, or even STAR in the next outing. I'm thinking "Seabiscuit 2" or "How To Lose An Election In Ten Months."

If you're looking for something to do with dad on Father's Day, how about a trip to Broadway for a...WILL FERRELL COMEDY??? Yes, that's right. "Elf" is being written as a Broadway musical. It can now join the laundry list of "successful" movies that became musicals: "Shrek," "The Producers," "Legally Blonde," "Evil Dead," and the ever-popular "I'm Through With Trying To Come Up With Something Original...What's On TBS Right Now?" Seems like EVERYONE wants to write that one.

As long as we're talking about "What The Fuck?" moments, how about this one: the girl who went on "The Bachelor," won, then lost (on national TV), then went on to "Dancing With The Stars" only to lose AGAIN...is going to be a "special correspondent" for Good Morning America. What...The...Fuck? That's right, Melissa Rycroft, whose only claim to being a "Star" to dance with was getting the "It's not you, it's me" speech on NATIONAL TV...is going to use her appallingly-long fifteen minutes of fame to do 8 stories for Good Morning America this summer, according to an inside ABC source. She'll be travelling and doing fun stories for the show, all leading up to the final story: "Who I Fucked To Get Here."

Speaking of failed reality stars, how about this...Monday night, "Jon and Kate plus 8" will show a special announcement from Jon and/or Kate and/or the 8. Hmmm, I wonder what it could be. Possibly a "We're getting a divorce" bombshell...that everyone expects. What about a "We're selling the children to Angelina Jolie" statement? That would be fun. How about a "Jon's having an affair with Nadya Suleman" announcement? Um...ew. Let me bottom-line this for you: short of turning to cannibalism, there is NO ANNOUNCEMENT that show can make to make me want to watch it. It's bad enough when I know people in real-life that have marriage problems, I don't need to add these idiots to the list, especially with their 8 children. Oh, and I'm sure it was all Jon's idea. "Gee, honey, having 8 children sounds like a great idea! What, and you'd also like my testicles put in a glass case on your armoire? Here you go!" Seriously, if a marriage makes it more than ten years nowadays, it's a miracle.

Oh, and get this...Brian Williams did a live report from the NBC newsroom the other night with producers, writers, etc. working diligently behind him. Except some of those people AREN'T the hardworking staff! A source with NBC spoke to the New York Post (and I don't normally credit the Post, but this story's pretty funny). That source said some of the less attractive and heavier staff members were asked to MOVE and allow younger, thinner members of the staff to act as extras, including two interns who NORMALLY RUN ERRANDS. That's not to say running errands can't be hard work, but how about the people that wrote Williams' material actually be allowed to sit behind the man. Seriously! I know we have to gloss up the evening news a bit, but come ON! Apparently NBC now stands for "No Big Chicks." How about "'Nother Batch-a Cookies"?

If he should ever read this, I hope my dad knows how much I love him. I also hope he realizes that senses of humor can be genetic...and to watch what he says to mom.

-B-