That said, I have something special set up for this, the 101st show. I got this idea from this week's 13th Annual Webby Awards in New York. The winners had to limit their acceptance speeches to JUST FIVE WORDS! I love that! "Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane got an award for his web series (currently out on DVD...you MUST see it) "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy." His speech: "What is this for again?" Arianna Huffington won best political blog for her "Huffington Post" (not nearly as funny as "Thinking Hard") and gave this acceptance speech: "I didn't kill newspapers, OK?" And Jimmy Fallon, whose takeover of "Late Night" seems to be going better than his predecessor's takeover of "The Tonight Show," had this to say about his award honoring his use of the internet to create hype about his show: "Thank God Conan got promoted." So, we're going to start the first-ever Whenever We Feel Like It Thinking Hard Awards...also known as the Hardy. (I was going to go with "Thinky," but that implies I put a lot of thought behind this...I didn't)
The "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy goes to Sarah and Todd Palin. Sarah's apparently still fired up about her loss during the Hottest Mess tournament back in March. David Letterman spoke about the Palin family's trip to New York earlier this week. In a joke CLEARLY meant for 18-year-old unwed mother and abstinence/condom/fuckinglikerabbits advocate Bristol Palin, Letterman said the Palins went to a Yankees baseball game and "during the seventh inning, (Sarah Palin's) daughter was knocked up by (Yankee third baseman) Alex Rodriguez." Hilarious to the crowd...and for anyone else who's not in the GOP...but not for the Palins. See, it wasn't 18-year-old Bristol who was at the game, but rather 14-year-old Willow Palin (you ever get the sense the Palins just went to an internet search engine and hit "Surprise Me" to find these names for their children?). The Palins are upset that Letterman would suggest underage sex (also known as statutory rape) is funny. Letterman went on the show Wednesday night and apologized for any misunderstanding, that he would NEVER joke about raping a child, that he has NEVER made such a joke and would NEVER make such a joke. He even invited the Palins on his show to iron everything out, but they're holding a grudge. Todd Palin was most upset about the insinuation that ALL the women in his family are a little..um..."loose." He gave us this Hardy acceptance speech: "Two whores are bad enough."
A runner-up for the "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy is Gretchen Carlson of Fox "News." But she DID earn the "I Had More Credibility As A REPORTER On CBS News Than I Do As An ANCHOR On Fox News" Hardy. Here now is special presenter...Jon Stewart:
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The entire "Fox & Friends" gave this acceptance speech: "We're not homophobes, just morons."
The "See You Next Week On Fox & Friends" Hardy goes to Carrie Prejean. The now FORMER Miss California is out of a job. The executive director of the pageant fired Prejean this week because she failed to make several scheduled appearances (wow, I'm lucky I can't be fired from college...WHAT? I OVERSLEPT!). This, after the big hubbub at the Miss USA pageant when openly gay blogger Perez Hilton asked Prejean where she stood on the gay marriage issue, and Prejean said she didn't agree with it and she preferred "opposite marriage" over "same-sex marriage." That pissed Hilton off and he led an online charge against Prejean. Then the slutt...er, CLASSY photos of Prejean surfaced on the internet that were taken before the Miss California pageant. Prejean shows a little "Nip/Untucked" and signed a contract with the pageant saying she had done no nude modeling. But Donald Trump (owner of EVERYTHING, including the pageant) said Prejean could stay on as Miss California. But the executive director noted Prejean had been skipping scheduled appearances to speak out against gay marriage at unsanctioned events. So Trump canned her this week. Prejean claimed in her Hardy acceptance speech that's NOT why she missed her appearances: "I was panty-raiding Perez."
For those of you who don't know, the digital television transition happened Friday. Stations across the U.S. dropped their analog signals in favor of digital signals. The "Huh? HUH? HUH???" Hardy goes to the hard-hearing elderly, MOST impacted negatively by the switchover. See, the elderly had to call upon their sons and grandsons to help explain why they need a new antenna to pull in digital signals, then convert them to analog so these old people who do almost nothing but watch TV all day can CONTINUE to watch TV all day. I'm sure I will be answering phone calls in the newsroom for WEEKS from people who can't see anything on their TVs because they don't have the new antenna. Here's Martha Washington, 89, of Hooskow, Washington, to accept on behalf of elderly people nationwide: "Who killed Matlock?...I'm old."
That provides a great "transition" to our next award: the "Old People Do The Damnedest Things" Hardy. An Israeli woman this week admitted she'd been keeping her money safe from identity thieves and bank fallouts for years...by stuffing it in a mattress. Over the years, she'd accumulated almost a MILLION DOLLARS! But when her daughter bought her a brand-new mattress, THEY THREW OUT THE OLD ONE. You know, THE ONE WITH ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS INSIDE. I can see how that would happen...I'm always misplacing A MILLION DOLLARS. Crews have been diving through landfills for days, trying to find the million-dollar mattress. The woman used her acceptance speech to explain the plans she had for the money: "I'd planned a Bingo binge."
The "Missing The Big Picture" Hardy goes to a driver in North Carolina last weekend. And by "big picture," we mean "train":
Obviously the driver missed the bells, the whistle...and the BIG FUCKING TRAIN in front of him. The driver's acceptance speech: "What train?...Got any Doritos?"
The "Revenge Sucks" Hardy goes to Helen Immelt of Monroe, Washington. A neighbor complained that she had been keeping chickens at her home and it was against the homeowners association rules. So Immelt got up at 6am, parked her car in front of his house and leaned on her horn for TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT! He called the police and she left, but she came back and did it again 2 hours later. Miss Immelt, here's your award...please give us your speech: "I couldn't find flaming poo."
Finally, the "Some People Just DESERVE To Get Caught" Hardy. This prestigious award goes to a 37-year-old Pennsylvania man. Last Sunday night, police say the driver sped into a police station parking lot, pulled between two marked cruisers (in a spot that's reserved FOR police) and took a nap in his car (I believe they call that "passing out"). An officer who went to check on the guy found an empty vodka bottle and a marijuana pipe. Congratulations sir. We let you sober up so we could UNDERSTAND your acceptance speech. Please give that to us now...
"Lindsay Lohan thinks I'm perfect."
-B-
2 comments:
it's unlikely that Prejean would have neglected her contractual duties since she's been under a microscope for the last month; if anything her dismissal reflects poorly on Donald Trump, makes him look like a wishy-washy businessman
I am so glad I took the time to watch that John Stewart clip. Classy.
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