I Love Crazies!

Ah, it's Valentine's Day. Let's see what I got in the ol' inbox-mailbag...

...mmm, yes, I think at some point I SHOULD cleanse my colon, but today will not be that day...

...oh, that's nice, some girl named Samson sent me an e-card telling me how much she misses her "love." What? Samson is a BOY'S name? Impossible. I don't know any boys named Samson. Come to think of it, I don't know any GIRLS named Samson either. And why is my computer getting all fuzzzzzzzzz *click*...

...well, now that I got that all cleaned up. Surely I'm not the ONLY person who will receive a virus for Valentine's Day. I think that's why it's referred to as V-Day...

...obligatory "make your penis longer" email. Look, I don't know what you've been told, but...

HOLY CRAP, IT'S MID-FEBRUARY ALREADY!!! You know what THAT means, right??? It's getting close to the annual "Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess March Madness Tournament"! I know what you're thinking: 1. "Um, sorry, what?" (if you missed out on last year's tournament, pop in the March archive. It was exciting); 2. "Blaine, I can't wait to find out who's competing in this year's tournament!"

I agree, this year's tournament will be exciting...and not just because there will be NEW names in the tournament. It's expanding! More entrants! More games! It's going to be larger than before! And speaking of larger than before, it's my privilege to introduce our first entrant in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament...Nadya Suleman!

YES! The woman who JUST finished giving birth to eight children...and giving interviews to eight media outlets...WILL compete in this year's tournament! That is, if she makes it there. Apparently, Suleman has been subjected to death threats lately. Now, is that ANY way to treat a woman who just "naturally" gave birth to eight children...on top of the six she already had? Maybe she can afford to hire a babysitt...wait, no, she's on welfare, so maybe YOU can afford to hire her a babysitter. Perhaps she can ask her husb...oh, single mom, huh? Well, that's a shocker. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to marry an interesting woman who says on the first date: "You know, I like to think of children as potato chips...you can't have just one...bag."

Suleman says she wanted many children because she grew up an only child and was lonely. So she decided that starting a small continent would make up for the emptiness. Seriously, if you moved your family to Australia, the dingoes would be drooling...right before your babies ate the dingoes.

Oh, there's also a website that's been set up to take financial and diaperial donations for Suleman. I'm sorry, but you're on welfare, you live with your parents, you already have six kids and signed up for another litter...and you want me to give you something out of SYMPATHY??? Yes, I have sympathy...for your children...so I will give you something: a TUBAL LIGATION! Get your tubes tied, woman! Your "friend" who kindly donated that sperm to you should have said "This Just Really Should Not Get Into You." In plain english, STOP HAVING BABIES! In plain german, STOPPEN GO POPPENIN SPERMIN UND POPPENOUT DER PEEIN-UND-POOPINS OOT DER VAGINADERCONVEYOR!

Suleman's also had some facial work done that makes her look a little like Angelina Jolie. We're trying to nail down a commitment from Jolie in this year's tournament, but as yet, she's been busy shooting "Wanted 2: Is Anyone Really Watching These Movies?" We'll keep you updated here at Thinking Hard.

Well, at least we know Suleman got pregnant "au natural"...kinda like Alex Rodriguez's muscles. That's right, A-Roid admitted this week he used banned performance-enhancing drugs for three years starting in 2001. The guy is the 12th all-time home run hitter (home run hitter who 'roided up? Who doesMcGwirethat soundBondslike?). He's also been rumored in a dalliance with Madonna, so this guy's already tested positive for poor judgment...and maybe a progressive case of blindness and deafness. But all is not lost. The University of Miami unveiled Alex Rodriguez Park and had A-Roid as a guest of honor Friday night. Centerpieces on the table included miniature baseball bats, tiny toy baseballs and unshelled peanuts. Because if anything screams "This guy has taken steroids", it's small sticks, small balls and wrinkly nuts.

Speaking of wrinkly nuts, the US Senate approved President Obama's stimulus package late last night. Voting started on the $787B plan around 5:30pm, but lasted until several hours later as senators awaited Sen. Sherrod Brown, D-OH, who was attending his mother's wake. YOU PAID to fly the guy back on a plane commissioned by the WHITE HOUSE just to cast the vote that passed the stimulus package (take a note, CEOs of automakers and banks...there IS a double-standard. Congressmen who do their job get to fly private planes...executives who screw consumers out of hard-earned money have to walk). House republicans complained that there wasn't enough time to read the 1,100 pages of the plan before the vote Friday. But come on, let's be serious...most of you don't subscribe to the internet, and I'd like to see SOMETHING done about the economy before we see flying Jetson cars (which, coincidentally, automaker execs also can NOT take to the next congressional hearing).

Finally, it IS Valentine's Day and love is in the air...for some people. But there's an attraction in London that allows jilted women to get a hex put on their exes. Here in North Carolina, there's a similar idea in place for jilted men to get revenge...they let ME date their exes.
Happy V-Day!
-B-