"These Police Have Grenade Launchers...And All I Have Is This Stuffed Dinosaur!"

Shit you not, that is a quote from one of the PUSSIEST protesters I have ever seen. He and others were trying to get their message of...um...well, there was...huh...well, apparently it was important and very memorable. I'm so glad they took the time to protest at 10pm weeknights during the DNC in Charlotte this week. Because, hey, they just want their voices heard. And they want a shower. Perhaps several. And a place to stay. Since they bought one-way tickets to Charlotte with no apparent way to get home. I'm still not quite sure what the thinking was behind that. They bought ONE-WAY tickets to Charlotte to protest the DNC. How long did they think the DNC was? It's only a three-day convention! Dear protesters, perhaps your lack of foresight and planning is NOT a problem caused by politicians. Love, Blaine. PS: No, you can't stay in my apartment. But you CAN take my cat with you. So, if you turned on TV at all this week, you should not be surprised to hear the Democratic National Convention was held this week. In fact, as The Soup (on E!) pointed out, Bill Clinton's speech was scheduled for the same time block as "Here Comes Honey Goo-Goo Clusters"...are you SURE that's not the name? It does appear that the child eats a LOT. And she had better appease her mom daily, as it appears the punishment for children in that family who misbehave is to be EATEN by their mother. "I pushed you out of my belly, and by God, I can put you back in there!" (by the way, interesting side note, I actually came up with "Honey Goo-Goo Clusters" in a dream last night. Yes, even when I'm ASLEEP, I'm thinking of ways to entertain you.) Anyway, kudos to Charlotte for pulling off the giant pain in the ass that is known as the DNC. Police didn't shoot any a-hole protesters, and there were quite a few who seemed to just want to piss off the police. I think it says something about the quality of the protesters when they hold a march and their rally cry is "1-2-3, fuck the police...4-5-6, fuck the police." What, you couldn't even make it rhyme? Where's the effort? Oh, wait, if they were to actually exercise EFFORT, they would be EMPLOYED. And thus not have the time to camp out in a park for a week. As I've documented pretty well, The Daily Show also broadcast from Charlotte during the DNC. I'm sad to say they did not hire me on the spot. But that's mostly because my 12-hour, uncompensated work days left me too exhausted to go job hunting with Jon Stewart. But during the DNC, The Daily Show came up with my new favorite segment...

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Hope and Change 2 - Last Week This Week
www.thedailyshow.com
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Also, thanks to The Daily Show for showing me that Seinfeld's "Newman," Wayne Knight, was also at the convention. I'm glad he could take time away from his busy schedule of shooting Jurassic Park 4 and Space Jam 2. (Actually, I hear at least ONE of those movies might actually exist soon...) But, hey, you know me. I love me some local media too. Let's start with another protest... this time in Dallas. A woman somehow got into the ABC station's studio, then laid down and refused to leave (somebody in security's gettin' fiiiiiirrrrrrrrrred...). So the station did what any good station would do: turned it into the top story. Come to find out, the whole thing was a terrible misunderstanding. Honey Boo-Boo's mom stopped by for an interview, bent over to pick up a cracker crumb (that turned out to be a rock...she ate it anyway) and exerted herself so much she had to sit down. That was followed by the realization that she couldn't sit down without something propping up her back, so she laid down and couldn't get back up. Everything's bigger in Texas. Watch all of the emergency personnel it took to hoist her off the floor. Go ahead, watch it again. I'll wait. I hope that station's security department picks up a new security device...a forklift. Some sad news this week...actor Michael Clarke Duncan died this week after suffering a heart attack back in July. It would appear one TV station has never seen "The Green Mile," however, as THIS is the shot they aired during the story:

Yeah...no. That's the singer Seal. Who says his ex-wife Heidi Klum is "fornicating with the help." That's not Michael Clarke Duncan, the OTHER BALD BLACK GUY in the news this week. To its credit, the station offered an apology on its FACEBOOK page that went like this: Yep; our bad; we own it. A careless editing error at the end of the Michael Clarke Duncan story in our 11pm news. Two entertainment stories accidentally merged into one video clip. Sincere apologies. The evening anchor also went on air to turn shit into shitty lemonade by saying “One of our core values here at 2 On Your Side, of course, is transparency for you, the viewer. Not only in the way we tell you stories, but also when we make a mistake. We own up to it. It was our bad.” Wait, what?? Since when does "our bad" qualify as an apology? Or even something that should be spoken aloud on a professional newscast? Well, I guess it'll have to do. I wouldn't mind, though, seeing the people who made the error show up on TV and apologize for "fornicating with the newscast." Y'know, I complain a lot about the quality of people who work in local (and oft-times national) news, but I'm human too. We all make errors and it seems like more of them just happen to be made on air nowadays. It happens. These are just mistakes. HOWEVER, what I CAN'T forgive is when someone does something CLEARLY unprofessional on TV, whether it be local or national. That's why Fox News drives me crazy. That's why MSNBC at times drives me crazy. And that's why THIS clip from my local Fox affiliate drives me ABSOLUTELY BONKERS. There are certain places you don't ask for a job: holidays with the in-laws, when your boss introduces you to a colleague at a different company, etc. But this is CLEARLY when you don't want to do it, even if it IS somewhat tongue-in-cheek: Really dude? You specifically gave him something big enough that he couldn't just throw away on his way out the door??? That's Anderson Fucking Cooper! And while I appreciate that you've probably only ever seen him on his ridiculous talk show or with Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve, he is more of a journalist than you will ever be! He's covered wars and conflicts...he's taken his OWN CAMERA into war zones to post videos online that he wasn't convinced anyone would be watching! THAT'S a job interview! Handing him a giant card with your face on it...that's just a douchey move. That said...Jon Stewart, if you have an opening on your writing staff, could you take me back to New York with you? -B-