Katy Perry's Cooties: Too Hot For Elmo

...wait, wait, I'm being told I misunderstood...it's her HOOTERS that are too hot for Elmo. My bad. Seriously, though, two notes: 1. who thinks it's appropriate for KATY PERRY to appear on Sesame Street? and 2. CHILDREN watching Sesame Street don't give a SHIT about her breasts...they just want to see Elmo. The only people watching who want to see Katy Perry's cleavage are the stay-at-home fathers who, apparently, are chained to the house by their overbearing wives.

Honestly, I could care less about seeing Katy Perry on TV. Same goes for Bristol Palin:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Bristol Palin's Dancing Performance
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

That judging ceremony would've been a LOT funnier if it had gone like this: "Carrie Ann Inaba...6! Len Goodman...9! Bruno Tolioni...see if she'd stuck with THAT, she wouldn't have the baby!"

You know, Bristol Palin just goes to show you...the best things can come to you in the strangest packages. Remember the guy who appeared on THIS BLOG a few weeks ago, talking about a rapist in his community?:



Well, someone remixed Antoine Dodson's angry tirade into a song and slapped it on Itunes. Dodson received 50% of the profits...and made enough to move into a new home with his sister. He also plans to use some money to go back to school and finish his associate's degree in business. He'd like to open a salon. Um, Mr. Dodson, I'd like a little off the top and NONE of what you've done to your OWN hair.

Hey, you know what I like about public transportation? NOT TAKING IT:



Next we'll see a police officer pull over a swerving trash truck...the driver will say "Sorry, officer, I was just trying out this new app that allows me to drive this thing remotely." And they're worried about TEXTING and driving?

Hey, guess what controversial military policy ISN'T getting repealed in the near future:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Are We Run by A**holes?
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Seriously, conservatives? You DO realize that you could be sending homosexuals INTO a dangerous WAR ZONE where they could be killed! If you're SO against homosexuality, I would think that would work for you. But then, who would you hire as interns and pages and fondle in hotel rooms late at night, only to defend your actions later as "playing around." Fair enough.

One other item of note:



NEWS ANCHOR BARBIE is set to go on sale this month. Features include a microphone, notebook, heightened sense of self-worth and a voice-chip that includes such phrases as "Come ON, you've been working me for FOUR HOURS...I didn't even get any SLEEP last night" and "I DESERVE a promotion...don't you know who I am???" Bonus Ron Burgundy t-shirt reading "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal" sold separately.

-B-

CAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKE!

Welcome to a very special edition of Thinking Hard. This week, we celebrate "International Talk Like A Pirate Day," which happens to be today...waitasec...holy crap, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! Dammit, totally forgot. Here I was getting all these "Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day" cards and I forgot I turn...older...today. Well, let me tell you what some people gave me for my biRRRRRRthday....Arrrrr:

*Infamous White House party-crasher (and REALLY desperate housewife) Michaele Salahi sent me...royalties. See, she has multiple sclerosis and she's writing about it in a new book. The title of that book? "Cirque Du Salahi." For those of you who have been reading Thinking Hard for a while, you'll remember the plane that splashed down in the Hudson River several months ago. Everyone survived, thanks to the quick thinking of pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. Following the "miracle," he went on a big media tour which I went on to refer to as "Cirque Du Sully." No surprise here...Michaele apparently reads this blog. So, Mrs. Salahi, I'll be eagerly awaiting my check.

*Rev. Terry Jones in Florida sent me 20 Qurans, the holy book of Islam. Turns out, he DIDN'T burn the books on 9/11...and now he just has a bunch of copies sitting around. Jones says he changed his mind after a discussion with God. I say no one brought a Quran to burn because the people who own a Quran DON'T WANT TO BURN IT BECAUSE THEY'RE MUSLIMS! Idiot. The Daily Show has more:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Islamophobiapalooza
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

(also, a quick note...a new study out this week shows 76% of young adults get their news from The Daily Show. In stark contrast, only 0.00002% of young adults get their news from Thinking Hard. Go team.)

*A new public service group gave me THIS unusual PSA...I'm not going to tell you a thing about it. Just watch:



*"The Bachelorette" Ali FedoWTFski gave me a headache for my birthday. No shocker here: she's gone from whoring herself out for 25 guys to whoring herself out for Fox. That's right...a Fox station in San Diego HIRED the girl with the weird face to do RELATIONSHIP STORIES. Really? What does this chick know about relationships??? She went on TV to pick one guy out of 25!!! What's her first story? "What to tell the 25th guy when sex with the other 24 has just worn you out"??? "How to mask the smell of sweat and semen with just 30 seconds between dates"???

*An anchor in Slovenia sent me his pants...apparently he doesn't need them. Watch his legs VERY closely here:



To be fair, if the clip had gone further, you'd have seen a young intern crawling out from under the desk, wiping her mouth and looking ashamed. Ah, the perks of being an anchor: show up 40 minutes before showtime, spend 30 of those minutes making yourself pretty, then going on television and sounding like an uninformed jackass. Hm...sound like anyone we know?

*The New Oxford American Dictionary has given me some DELIGHTFUL new words in its new addition. The terms include BFF, bromance, defriend (no joke...see also "unfriend"), gal pal, hater, hockey mom, interweb (are you fucking kidding me???), lipstick lesbian, LMAO, parkour (FINALLY! It's only been on the internet since 2004...Parkour! Parkour!), staycation, TTYL and my personal favorite, tramp stamp. Now if only I can start seeing "TD-Bag"...which is that guy at Buffalo Wild Wings who shouts and cheers at every touchdown during a football game...and every offensive play...and every defensive play...and every shot of a cheerleader...and every commercial...and air...

*Finally, what could perhaps be the biggest gift of all...also from Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rally to Restore Sanity
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

I'm thinking ROAD TRIP!

-B-

The Newest Thinking Hard Intern

Ladies, gentlemen...and other...I'm pleased to announce a new hire here at the Thinking Hard offices. A brand spankin' new intern. Her name is Annika Graning and she was just born Monday night to my good friend Andy. So instead of letting her cruise through life and think daddy's going to do everything for her, Thinking Hard hired her shortly after birth. Let's face it...with the economy in the shitter, Andy's going to need all the support from his family as possible.

Another addition to the blog this week...new Friend of the Show. Avid (Occasional) reader James sent in the Great Typo Hunt in response to last week's "unnecessary" quotation marks blog. I browsed the blog...it's humorous. And a great reminder that America is stupid.

With THAT said, let's start things off with a little game I like to call "What's Coming Out Of Sarah Palin's Mouth?" The "presumed but still gonna keep ya in the dark about it" 2012 presidential candidate appeared on Sean "I'm really not the devil...I just have a tail like him" Hannity's radio show to talk about an upcoming visit to Iowa (ah, my home state...thanks for making me look classy). A reporter at CQ Politics wrote a headline for the story about the upcoming visit: "Palin Sought Iowa Speaking Event." Seems innocuous enough. Here's the transcript of her response on Hannity:


HANNITY: And you're gonna be speaking at their annual fall fundraiser on September 17.

PALIN: I am, and I was invited to, and I've been invited to for awhile -- to get to Iowa for different events, and I haven't been able to. I did see the headline on CQ Politics, and they're way whacked, saying that I asked for an opportunity to speak in Iowa.

And to me, a headline like that and a story that went on 'Sarah Palin pursued a speaking opportunity in Iowa to make a point' -- You idiot reporter. Why can't you follow up with a fact like asking "Really, who did she ask?, who did she pursue"?

We've got so many emails from people in Iowa, asking us to get there, so it's kind of an aside, but certainly evidence of how whacked reporters are today.


Okay, couple of things: 1. Are you insisting you DID NOT go looking for a speaking engagement in Iowa? That you DON'T need the money for your campaign coffers? I highly doubt that, considering you spoke in Alaska (and charged every person who attended) on NINE-ELEVEN, which some would consider blasphemy...but those are the same assholes who think muslims shouldn't go anywhere near Ground Zero, so hey, what's a contradiction here and there? 2. I don't argue that the reporter in question might indeed be an "idiot," but have you picked up any new "street lingo" since the 1980s, or are you still going to go with "way whacked?" (also, side note: does Bristol Palin's face look fatter to you?)

While I'm on the subject of hot messes (March is just around the corner...get those nominations in!), let's talk briefly about Snooki from MTV's "Jersey Shore." Snooki got drunk (shocker), bumped into people and spoke loudly at a beach at Seaside Heights...and was arrested for disturbing others (hey, can I have charges filed against her for disturbing me by appearing on a reality show?). The judge told her, "Rude, profane, obnoxious and self-indulgent is not the way to live your life. If this was your idea of a good time, it appears your recent celebrity has affected your judgment." If that makes you think of ANOTHER hot mess, the judge is way ahead of you. He called Snooki a (I shit you not) "Lindsay Lohan wannabe." Seriously, how bad is your life when LiLo is a step UP?

One more hot mess to discuss this week: Jon Gosselin. More specifically, his ex-girlfriend, Hailey Glassman. The girl whose name I'll never remember and whose face I'd never be able to spot in a crowd is writing a BOOK about her relationship with Gosselin. Ms. Glassman, if I might suggest a title? "The Seven-Month Itch (And The Numerous Creams I Had To Put On It)"

-B-

Live From Chicago

What's up, Hard Thinkers, and welcome to this special vacation edition of the blog. I'm writing from the Windy City as I wrap up my holiday weekend with the family. Woke up to 50-degree temperatures...that's right, be jealous.

Please welcome a new Friend of the Show: The "Unnecessary Quotes" Blog. I noticed the creator signed a book deal and the book is now available at area bookstores. So, go "enjoy!"

Hey, no Sarah Palin jokes today, but I saw a fun little story about this week's punching bag, Lindsay Lohan. The girl is finally out of rehab after spending a FULL two weeks there...and Jerry Lewis is speaking out about it. Yes, the guy who's best known for the MDA telethon and his black-and-white comedies is telling us what HE thinks about LiLo...because we obviously care. He says if he ever met Lohan, he'd smack her in the mouth, then turn her over his knee and spank her. Funny, she normally has to BEG someone to do that to her...

Big governor's race in Arizona...and the politicians will say ANYTHING for a vote. Take this moment from a recent debate with Arizona's incumbent republican governor...

Gov. Jan Brewer's Opening Statement - 9/1/2010 Debate @ Yahoo! Video

Perhaps it's the things you DON'T say that get you elected...let me call Alvin Greene and check on that...

Check this out: a homeless guy broke into a home in Oregon, then called 911, identified himself as the sheriff and asked for medical assistance. He told investigators he'd been in the home's hot tub for about ten hours and his towels got wet. THIS is what he asked for: "I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it." Wow, Levi Johnston's really let himself go.

See you back in NC!
-B-