Before we get to this year's competitors, a special Honorary Mention goes out to one of the hottest messes out there...the American public. The Pew Research Center released a study this week that shows television is still the most popular medium for news...and the most popular network is FOX! Meanwhile, those of us with common sense are still looking for the parts of the channel's "news" coverage that live up to the "fair and balanced" mantra of the network.
But I apparently can't ignore the juggernaut that is Fox News any longer, so Fox & Friends anchor Gretchen Carlson will be one of the women playing-in for a shot in the hottest mess tournament. If you don't remember Ms. Carlson, here's a look from The Daily Show (December '09) at the lovely and misguided former CBS correspondent:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down | ||||
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How could I have left her out of the tournament for THIS LONG? Ms. Carlson, my humblest apologies. She'll face Bristol Palin...AND Miley Cyrus in a FIRST-EVER THREE-WAY PLAY-IN GAME! Can you feel the excitement???
Gretchen Carlson vs. Bristol Palin vs. Miley Cyrus (play-in)
So it's been a quiet couple of months for Bristol. After her rhythm-deficient stint on "Dancing with the Stars," she seems to have gone into hiding in her cave in Alaska, only making casual appearances foraging for food on her mother's brief reality series. However, she's trying to follow in her mother's footsteps by ALSO releasing an autobiography. I believe it's called "Condoms and Their Many Improper Uses, or How I Learned To Stop Crossing My Legs." But is it enough to take out two VERY tough competitors?
Miley Cyrus has been all over the place, smoking fake marijuana, disrupting her parents' marriage, but is SHE tough enough in this match-up? I would have said yes, if not for her IMPRESSIVE "fuck you" to her critics during her monologue on Saturday Night Live several weeks ago:
She redeemed herself a little in the eyes of the Tournament Committee. She also isn't a hot enough mess at THIS point to win this play-in game. No, the honor of facing the number one seed at this year's tournament will go to...Gretchen Carlson! Never before have I seen so much air time given to one anchor who is so clearly clueless about much of the news she's bullshitting about. Some days, it feels like she's about to wrap up a story and she sees a note in the teleprompter from a producer that says "Gretchen, we're light...talk about what YOU think about this story." It's almost like Ashton Kutcher is running the Fox control room and is "Punk"ing America. I really hope that's the case, because there's no excuse for her drivel on TV, no matter HOW many people watch it. But let's be honest...people aren't LISTENING to the women on Fox News...they're watching them on "mute." It's like when a guy goes to a bar and sees this really hot woman. They start chatting and she starts babbling incoherently about her 20 cats and how she thinks Obama is an alien (not the illegal kind...the E.T. kind) and she can travel back and forth in time in her sleep, but only twice a year, and only for an hour either way. And even though the guy realizes this woman CLEARLY has no understanding of ANYTHING, including Daylight Saving Time, he's desperate and horny and she's hot, so he nods politely and smiles in agreement with everything she says, just to get some lovin'. So, Ms. Carlson, welcome to the big dance.
Play-In Winner: Gretchen Carlson
She'll face number-one seed Snooki in the women's semis. The other half of the semis will feature media darling Sarah Palin taking on media darling Lindsay "Oh, THIS necklace??" Lohan.
Let's go over to the men's bracket and check out who's in the Play-In game to face the number-one seed:
Gilbert Gottfried vs. The Situation
The Situation wasn't nominated until about 5 days ago, and it was for THIS performance at the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump:
Wow. That's almost as awkward as accidentally watching a best friend's homemade sex video. Only The Situation made me more violently ill to watch. In fact, at about 3:30, you can see Ice-T in the crowd about to lose his lunch. However, that's not NEARLY as appalling as what Gilbert Gottfried did to get into this Play-In. After the disaster in Japan, he dropped several...um, jokes?...on his Twitter feed (making America dumber, 140 characters at a time). I mean, these were TERRIBLE, TASTELESS jokes. Like: "Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them." SERIOUSLY??? To be fair, Gottfried hasn't really been funny for years (unless you count his stint as the AFLAC duck...a job which he was fired from after her Japan tweets). I present Exhibit A, ANOTHER Comedy Central Roast, this time for David Hasselhoff:
| The Roast of David Hasselhoff | ||||
| Gilbert Gottfried - Lisa Lampanelli's Trouble | ||||
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So, for the three people out there following Gilbert's tweets, he's sorry he offended you. For the rest of us, there's the Hottest Mess Tournament.
Play-In Winner: Gilbert Gottfried
Gottfried wins the right to take on the number-one seed for the men: Charlie Sheen! (We thought about making him do play-by-play for the tournament, but he was an obvious number-one seed) The other bracket features Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi (competing by proxy from his bomb shelter) taking on "actor" David Arquette. So, here's the bracket for this year's tournament:
Start your pools now!...just don't let Snooki near the water. I don't have THAT much chlorine.
-B-
1 comment:
I see you finally went ahead and watched the Hoff roast without me... probably a good call. It's only been like what-- 6 months?
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