For The Last Time, Chris Brown, You CAN'T Be In The Tournament!

What's shaking, Hard Thinkers? The Hottest Mess Tournament is in full swing, but before we get to this weekend's action, I need to warn you that the most offensive, yet hilarious graphic error EVER from a number three television market is coming. You've been warned.

Also, Chris Brown, singer that assaulted his girlfriend Rhianna, you have ALSO been warned. Look, the tournament committee set the brackets last weekend. Though I appreciate the overzealous effort to be considered, you were just a bit too late (and will probably be forgotten by this time next year). Brown appeared on "Good Morning America" this week to promote his new album. First, he performed a song. Then, Robin Roberts sat down with him to talk about "the album" (and when I say "the album," I really mean everything that went down with him and Rhianna a couple of years ago). Now, truth be told, he seemed very calm in answering Robin's questions and trying to steer her back to the subject of his album. But that's not the price you pay to get to promote your shit on network TV. Robin GENTLY peppered him with the occasional Rhianna question, wrapped the interview...then Brown stormed off the set, started yelling, ripped off his shirt and threw a chair at a window in a dressing room! It sent glass flying down onto the streets of New York! Security removed Brown...and he did NOT return to perform his second single. How's that "anger management" thing working out, Chris? I'd have felt a little bad for Brown getting hit with questions from something that happened two years ago if not for a couple of things. First, GMA says it cleared all of the questions with Brown's people (would explain why he canned his publicist later in the week). Second, if he had sat down and answered these questions TWO YEARS AGO, he could have gotten them out of the way and moved ahead with his...er..."career?" Brown apologized later in the week during an interview on BET. I WAS, however, amused by his "tweet" following the interview, upset that he was being made out to be the bad guy, but people like Charlie Sheen are embraced by the media. Dude, he's FUNNY crazy...you're VIOLENT crazy.

Speaking of, let's get right to the tournament...

Men's Semifinals: Charlie Sheen vs. The Situation

Last week, I showed you the clip of The Situation doing a HORRIBLE job roasting Donald Trump. While that was good enough to get INTO the tournament, this is the BIG time, baby! You have to step up your game if you want to win! I mean, REALLY step up your game. Like, say a late-night talk show host is interviewing some random "celebrity" (in this case, we'll go with billionaire Mark Cuban) that has NOTHING to do with you at all. You just gotta do something like THIS:



Winner: Charlie Sheen. Hands down.

Again, fair warning...coming up, the most offensive, yet hilarious moment in live local news.

Men's Semifinals: David Arquette vs. Moammar "Check Your Spelling At The Door" Gadhafi

Poor David Arquette. He's had it tough. The man-child's filmography is basically FOUR "Scream" movies and a movie about pro wrestling. But somehow he stumbled into marriage with Courteney Cox (and guesses as to who married UP in that situation?). He was doing okay until she realized she married a 5-year-old in a 40-year-old's body. So how did David deal with it? He called into Howard Stern and spilled ALL the gory details about his sex life (or what was left of it) with Courteney. Then he went into rehab. Lately, he's been a lot calmer. I expect to see him on GMA in a couple of years to promote a movie...then being hit with questions about his failed marriage. Attention GMA: you might consider removing all chairs from the building that day. As painfully crazy all of that might seem, it STILL pales in comparison to a dictator who thinks the people shouting for him to leave the country actually LOVE him. A guy who thinks he can beat NATO. A guy who has somehow found seven different ways to spell his last name! This one's easy.

Winner: Moammar Gadhafi

So we'll have Sheen vs. Gadhafi in the men's final. Guess we'll have to put their buddy-cop movie on hold. A reminder, the offensive, yet hilarious local news error is coming. Hide your children, hide your wives...

Women's Semifinals: Snooki vs. Fox Anchor Gretchen Carlson

Yes, Jon Stewart and I have taken our share of potshots at the "hired for her looks-ish, definitely NOT her brains" Fox anchor Gretchen Carlson. Sure, Fox went ahead and put an attractive monkey on set to do the verbal equivalent of taking a dump on the set, sniffing it...then eating it. She's against everything anyone with a functional brain cell stands for. HOWEVER...that's NOTHING compared to the alternative. Snooki "wrote" a book, thinking we want to know all about her life. She appeared in a suggestive pose on the cover of Rolling Stone (I about lost my lunch). And then, two weeks ago, Snooki made a guest appearance on the pro wrestling program "Monday Night Raw." Here's a quick recap:



I had to be talked out of burning my Wrestlemania tickets.

Winner: Snooki

Women's Semifinal: Sarah Palin vs. Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan made it big in last year's tournament. But let's not count Palin out of it just yet. She's spent the last year haunting our televisions as a pundit on Fox "News." And she hunted live game in her reality series (believe me, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" is a LOT closer to Russia than it is on an actual map). She also played supportive candida...I mean, MOTHER...when Bristol slogged her way through "Dancing with the Stars." Let's go to the other competitor. Lindsay Lohan's accused of stealing jewelry that she's seen on surveillance tape wearing at another store. Plus...she's Lindsay Lohan. She TRIED to distance herself from this tournament by talking about changing her last name this week from Lohan to Sullivan, which is her mother's maiden name. Oh, Lindsay...I could make your new nickname SulLi if I chose. But no matter how many times you change your name, you can NEVER escape the Hottest Mess Tournament.

Winner: Lindsay Loha...er, Sulliva...er, the Bearded Lady...er, whatever. Her.

So Snooki will face Lindsay and Charlie will face Moammar for the right to head to the intergender finals...and a shot at glory.

And now, the moment I've been warning you about. This is from an NBC affiliate in Youngstown, OH:



Mmm...cock for breakfast.

Wait, I don't think that was it.

Hang on, I'm sure I have it somwhere...

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...ah, here it is. From NBC affiliate (what's up with these NBC stations???) WMAQ in Chicago, IL, on the death of media darling polar bear Knut:



Faaaaaaaaiiiiiiilllllllllllllll! (That's the World Cup of Failure) A special thanks to Intern James for bringing that one to the table.

Quick note: next week, I'll be (gag) watching Snooki live at Wrestlemania, but I've arranged a special guest blogger. You'll love her. We'll wrap the tournament in two weeks.

(PS: if you like what you see, I've dropped new buttons at the bottom of the blogs that allow you to link up to the social media, including Facebook and Twitter. As always, your patronage is appreciated.)

-B-