Hey, what's up? This is a pretty gnarly office...I could probably fit 2...maybe 3 hookers in here...
Ahem...Mr. Sheen, it's great to have you here, but would you mind getting on with the blog, please?
Dude, chill, stop acting like such a troll. Yeah, okay, let's get this over with so I can go serve my time on "Drugged Out with the Stars?" Heh heh, you see what I did there? I added a question mark after the word "stars" because there's NO way those talentless hacks have a THIMBLEFUL of the mojo I have going. I mean, come on, look at the line-up...Sugar Ray Leonard is so punch drunk, after the judges give their scores, he'll say "Wow, I feel real sorry for that Sugar Ray guy. I should send him some of my albums...that I don't remember recording..." HA HA! You see that? I just knocked out a boxing champion with my WORDS, man. Beat that! And that Wendy Williams chick...she's the only TV interview I turned DOWN because, hey, that chick is NUTS. Though she DOES have bigger breasts than my pornstar girlfriend...maybe I'll call up my service and have her delivered to my room tonight...ha ha, winning. And don't even get me STARTED on that Karate Kid guy, Ralph Macchio...I'll take the "Macho" out of his last name just by LOOKING at him. They'll have to call him Ralph Ci. He's scared of me. I can see it in his eyes because I have this thing I do where I can see someone's aura and soul and find out exactly what they think of me. In fact, it's the ONLY thing I can see in their aura and soul...because I'm all that matters. And Kirstie Alley? I'm fine with her...as long as she's not on top. I can handle a LOT, but even my TIGER BLOOD isn't strong enough for that.
Hey, former "Dancing" contestant Bristol Palin (I'm sure I know her from somewhere...OH YES! MALIBU EARLY 2008! I asked her if it was cool that I didn't use a condom. She said she was cool it with because she's indestructible like me. Hot chick. Wonder whatever happened to her...) is jumping on the "What Charlie Sheen's About To Do" bandwagon and writing a book! She's calling it "Not Afraid of Life." Although, as I recall, she WAS afraid of math, science, history...you know, all the crap you're told in school that you'll eventually need, but you don't. She's totally winning. I think I'm going to call my book "Not Afraid of Anything...including Life, just like that Palin girl."
While we're talking about teachers, did you see all those pansy-ass teachers complaining about their paychecks in Wisconsin?
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Crisis in Dairyland - For Richer and Poorer | ||||
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Man, that governor dude is a troll to deny those teachers their money. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I'd never want to be like. He and my damn producer on "Two and a Half Men" should get together and talk about how they WISH their lives were as awesome as mine. I'll take a piss on them from my private jet flying at 37,000 feet over their crappy little 5-bedroom homes. Then I'll snort cocaine off a stripper...now THAT's a Mile-HIGH Club.
You know who else I have problems with? These people:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Tales of Principled Behavior | ||||
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No, not the church people (although they're a bunch of assholes). No, not BYU (although, hey kid, if that sports thing doesn't work out for you, let's do a sitcom together). No, I'm talking about the "Supreme" Court. Those guys are FULL of themselves to think THEY'RE "Supreme." I had a pizza last night that was more "supreme" than those jagoffs.
Hey, I found out my "Home Away From Home", the Playboy Mansion, has this major disease running through it. Imagine my relief when I found out it was just Legionnaires' Disease and not something SERIOUS like HIV or Hep C...though, with MY tiger blood, it wouldn't bother me at all. Hell, I'd f**k that monkey in Outbreak and I wouldn't have to worry about catching anything at all. That's just how awesome I am.
Oop, I'm being told it's time for me to go do my interview with the morning announcements kid at PS 22 in New York City. Man, I'm sure I'll be such a thrill for them...it's not like they've done anything exciting recently, like sing at the Oscars. Hey, you need me to pee in a cup before I go? No? Okay, rad. Oh, and here's a cat doing weird shit to close the show...
-B-
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