Five Easy Recipes to Cook Your Loved One

First, we'll start with a nice chicken noodle...

WAIT A SEC! WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT! Silly me. My lack of sleep coupled with the extra work at the office this morning must have caused me to go senile (no, no "McCain is Old" jokes today...he's been through enough).

Yeah, just around 11pm last night, I looked up and virtually every major network (except CMT. it figures.) declared Illinois Senator (and NON-TERRORIST) Barack Obama the next President of the United States. I hoped his late grandmother who died earlier this week was watching from Heaven as he spoke to the crowd of supporters about the promising future of happiness, joy and a puh-pay on every doorstep. (it's a puppy...and a shout-out to my friend Kat. Go read her blog after you're done here. She's the polipino thing on the right hand side of the page)

And with every acceptance speech, there must be a concession speech. Arizona Senator John McCain spoke to his supporters and encouraged them to embrace the new president. He also blamed himself for his failed campaign. Y'know, Senator McCain, there's always a sword to fall on, but you shouldn't be the ONLY one to do it. In fact, let that ditzy Alaskan chick your team picked as your running mate fall on it first. Seriously, they did the equivalent of patting you on the back, saying you did a good job...then leaving a big "Kick Me" sign on your back. Oh, wait, I'm sorry...maybe you ENJOYED correcting the people who believed Sarah Palin when she suggested (STRONGLY) that Obama was a terrorist and was cavorting with terrorists. But that was only one stumbling block in the McCain campaign. Perhaps telling people at a live presidential debate that you knew "where Osama bin Laden is hiding" and knew "how to get him" finally made people think, "Wait a sec...if he's known all this time, then what the hell are our troops still DOING in the Middle East??? McCain's been in wars...does he think the soldiers are dying for FUN???"

Ah yes, this day is actually quite bittersweet. How many of us have enjoyed turning on the TV and watching those now-classic sketch-comedy classics during the political season? I'm talking, of course, about the campaign rallies and commercials. It was like McCain and Palin couldn't stop themselves from saying some BSC (again, that's Bat Shit Crazy, for you newcomers) thing about Obama. "He's a terrorist." "His campaign started in the living room of William Ayers." "He's a time-traveler, hell-bent on destroying the past so he can live the life of luxury in the distant future." And my personal favorite: "He's competent." Don't forget about Rev. Wright. You know, Obama's preacher who was quoted as saying "Not 'God Bless America'! God Damn America!"

Actually, that's a brilliant idea...

Coming soon to an outdoor ballfield near you...The Not Yet Ready For Public Relations Players! Watch Rev. Wright wear hilariously awkward clothing that no one this side of Africa would be caught dead in! Listen to his two-man stand up routine with the Reverend Jesse Jackson called "God Damn America..Now Cut Off Their Nuts!" Then, Senator Joe Biden takes the stage to share funny anecdotes and tell people how he read a story that "in the future", we'll all be ruled by angry robots and "the president will bow down to the will of terrorists and sacrifice the nation to save himself." Wait until THAT gets quoted out of context in a McCain campaign ad! Instant hilarity! And check out THIS headliner...Alaska Governor Sarah Palin! Hear Palin...speak as if she has half a brain! Catch her wickedly outrageous act before she jets off to the frozen tundra to the excitement of snowmobile racing, moose-hunting and baby-birthing! And show up later...or not at all...for a special appearance by Joe "The Plumber Guy" Wurzelbacher! He's coming to Git-R-Outofpayinganykindoftaxesbecausehe'sasonuvabitchwhowillholdontohismoneyforever! If there's shit to be found, you KNOW this guy's somewhere nearby!

Hey, maybe they need a marketing guy...
PS: Congratulations, President-elect Obama.
-B-