BlaGO AWAY YOU SON OF Avich

Welcome to Dumb Criminal Day here at Thinking Hard! It's a celebration of the morons who get caught doing dumb things that prove, once again, that Darwin was right.

Let's start in Illinois...some tool decided he could get away with defrauding the national government. Yeah, get this: he thought he would try to SELL a U.S. SENATE SEAT! Who does that??? Oh, wait, he's the governor. Or he WAS.

That's right. Thursday, state lawmakers in Illinois voted to oust Rod Blagojevich from his position as the state's governor. I think back to this week's trial in the state senate...is there anything BlaGONEjevich could have done to save himself? Well, he could have SHOWED UP! Yeah, Little Rod decided the first day of the trial Monday was a great day to talk to Good Morning America, The View (Elisabeth Hasselbeck conspicuous by her absence...maybe it's another round of morning sickness. Zounds! She's spawning ANOTHER one!), Nightline and Larry King Live. "Tonight, the Rod Blagojevich National 'Out of Context' Tour rips through the Big Apple..NEW YORK CITY! Are you ready to MOCK???" I think I most enjoyed his conversation with ABC's Cynthia McFadden. She quoted his wiretapped conversation that he was "sitting on a bleeping goldmine" with regards to President Barack Obama's open Senate seat. He responds with "I am not a crook"...no, wait. He responds with "That was taken out of context." Cynthia fires back "Then put it IN context!" And Blago-a-go-go says he can't because the laws prevent him from talking about the case. Uh-huh. So THAT'S why you're on your "If I Did It" book tour? So you can go on TV and NOT answer media questions about what's about to remove you from your office?

Tuesday, he showed up on CBS's "The Early Show." His hair got more viewers than the segment.

Thursday, he FINALLY shows up to defend himself to the state senators. He spoke for 45 minutes...and was voted UNANIMOUSLY out of the governor's office. Thanks for playing, here are some lovely parting gifts...a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat...$200 in light bulbs from GE. GE: We bring good things to light...and 25 free visits to the Donald Trump Hair Salon, to keep that "do" from becoming a "don't."

NO LAWMAKER FROM ILLINOIS SUPPORTED BL-ALMOST-GOT-AWAY-WITH-IT-VICH! In fact, I listened to the roll call vote and one senator even said "Absolutely." That's not a yes! That's a "even if you asked me when I was piss-drunk, I would still recognize that this guy is a crook...and his hair is winking at me." First governor in 20 years to be ousted from office (trivia: the first governor to be ousted was in the early 1800s and was from the great state of North Carolina) and the first EVER governor to be removed in the history of Illinois. Well, congratulations Rod...you can now take your name from the infamous Guinness Book listing of "Worst Haircut" and move it over to "Worst Governor." Shit, EVEN SARAH PALIN STILL HAS A JOB! You suggested on ABC that you were in talks to put Oprah in the vacant Senate seat...you know she can hear you, right? More importantly, you know she's on TV and radio, right? Yeah, she went on her satellite radio network and said she had NO IDEA she was up for the job...but probably would have turned it down because of her busy schedule of...um...eating? And let's check in with one more person: the guy who WAS selected to fill the open Senate seat, Roland Burris. In the best case ever of "biting that Rod that fed you", Burris did not side with Blagoon either. How's that for irony...a BLACK guy from Chicago made it big and a WHITE guy got arrested.

Moving ahead (but not far)...the Chicago Police Department got a new recruit last weekend. He showed up in uniform Saturday afternoon and was assigned to a partner and a squad car. But he WAS ONLY 14 YEARS OLD! Yup, totally faking the cop thing. He just really wanted to be a cop. Worse yet, it took his new partner FIVE HOURS to realize he was not an officer because his uniform was missing a star that's on every officer's uniform. Way to go, Columbo! Remember kids, if you're going to murder someone in Chicago, make sure you put on that "I'm Not The Killer" shirt before police get to the scene.

Finally today...shit, I can't even write this any better. Just take a look at what happened in New Zealand:



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Peace.
-B-