I Have A Lot To Atone For...Or "For Which To Atone"...Stupid Prepositions

Hey, anybody catch that 15-minute Tiger Woods apology Friday? Initially, I joked he was going to say the following...

"Thank you all for coming. I have a prepared statement and will not take any questions. Here is the statement I have prepared: Get off my lawn. Thank you."

But his version came out more like a drawn-out "I fucked up." In fact, it is probably the most heartwrenching "mea culpa" I have EVER seen a public figure deliver. He took 100% of the blame, made clear verbal boundaries about the things the press would NEVER hear about (unless they quoted the National Enquirer...go get that Pulitzer!...or not), and even cleared up the fact that his wife, Elin, NEVER hit him, including that morning after Thanksgiving. All in all, he was more willing to come out and say "I was wrong" than any politician's speech. Mark Sanford, you could learn a lot from this guy. He didn't say he went out and boned 20 different "soul mates"...he DID say he was drunk with power and popularity and that became his hubris (look it up..it's a fun word). He even apologized to the parents of the children who look up to him. Tiger, I'm not a big fan...in fact, this whole ordeal has cemented my opinion that you're a douchebag. But it takes a big man to admit his shortcomings on national television. Maybe I WON'T send you to Tool Academy.

Incidentally, there was an interview later with one of his mistresses. She was upset that Tiger apologized to Elin and not any of the other women he slept with. REALLY?! Maybe they feel like they got the short end of the stick.

Hey, guess what England doesn't have a lot of? Catholics. That is the ONLY assumption I can make after seeing this british news coverage of a Joe Biden news conference on Ash Wednesday:



Speaking of funny things done by people across the Atlantic, a couple of guys were captured by the Google street-level cameras, just chilling out in front of a house in scuba gear in Norway. Apparently they don't take too kindly to people taking their pictures...because they RAN after the Google camera! I can't directly link you there because Norway's Google maps don't show up well...or at all...here in the States, but let me post the pictures showing the (albeit, BRIEF) chase:





(Y'know, for a couple of idiots dressed in scuba gear sitting at the end of their driveway...they look PISSED.)

One more thing I love about our friends in Europe...their sexual openness. And while it does create more opportunities for the spread of diseases, they're pretty open about that too. Check out this game put out by London health officials to teach you more about the dangers of disease. You can play as any one of four characters...Wonder Vag is my favorite...to take on the Sperminator, who has (I swear I'm not making this up) penises for arms and attacks you with angry looking sperm that make a "splotch" sound effect when they connect. Obviously, this is NOT safe for work computers. I think my favorite response from one of the heroes who got hit with a sperm was "Yuck! Right in the face!"

Speaking of yuck, I'm adding a Friend of the Show today. There's a woman who works in a school lunchroom somewhere in the United States who has decided to eat the school lunch her school serves every school day of 2010. She's taking (rather unappetizing) pictures and she's doing it to prove a point that school lunches need a VAST overhaul in terms of nutrition. She's posting anonymously because she's afraid she'll be fired. But it's a fascinating blog with a good purpose called "Fed Up" and I recommend checking it out.

Okay, I have to address something now. You might have seen this already. Former Alaska governor and current waste of oxygen Sarah Palin has had it up to HERE with popular animated sitcom Family Guy. Last Sunday night, the show aired an episode that centered around teenage son Chris falling for a girl with Down Syndrome. Palin's upset because her son, Trig (again, WHY?), has Down Syndrome and has been going on a rant all week on the only network who pays her to spout off random crap, Fox News Channel. To her credit, she made the point that Trig has a tough road ahead of him (though, to be fair, you could've made it easier by giving him a different name). On the other hand, I don't think she really watched the episode at all...just the clip where the girl with Down Syndrome says her mother is the former governor of Alaska. Taking it a little personally, aren't you, Sarah? First of all, the episode centered around Chris trying to be an ABSOLUTE GENTLEMAN when courting the girl. He even dressed in a SUIT...which he NEVER does. And when he finally does break it off with her, it's not because she has Down Syndrome. It's because SHE'S A BITCH! And Chris says it best: she's just like every other girl! Which is essentially the message I hear from every Down Syndrome advocate...they're just like everyone else and want to be treated like everyone else. In fact, they HIRED an actress with DOWN SYNDROME, Andrea Friedman, to be the voice actor for the girl. They could have just as easily had Alex Borstein do her best imitation of a girl afflicted with Down Syndrome, but no, they gave an actress with Down Syndrome a payday. Sarah, you're just pissed off because you were the butt of ONE JOKE on the show. You got off easy. I tell you what...let's look at the other groups of people who were made fun of on last week's episode ALONE: italians, scandinavians, psychics, people who pay money to psychics, turtles, snails, Meg, people who don't know jack about poetry, blacks, dogs who like dominatrices...and Mr. Spock from Star Trek. Will you also waste valuable television time sticking up for THOSE people? Yeah, I didn't think so. Whatever you're being paid by Fox News...you're being paid too much.

Finally, check this out...a japanese wireless company has developed headphones that can be controlled by your EYES. You look right to left to pause the music. You look right and right again to skip to the next track. Roll the eyes clockwise and the volume goes up. Stare straight ahead all day and don't blink and you'll hear the voice of former UNC basketball player Tyler Hansbrough (BLINK, DAMMIT!). Sadly, blind people will only be stuck on mute.

(Thaaaat's right...end it on a blind joke. Classy. What do you want from me? My mom is the former governor of Alaska.)

-B-