Why do all the hard thinking yourself? Leave it up to Andy and Blaine!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Great Gatsby in 3D? It's Called Reading A Fucking Book!
Hey, I'm trying out this new thing of having this blog start out like a regular newscast, with anchors and everything. This is just the first time out, but I think it's gonna be good. Anchors stand by...aaaaaaaaaand CUE!
...aaaaaaaaaaand CUE!
Well, since that didn't work, let's see how our reporter on the scene of a breaking fire that killed 3 children is doing out there...
I'm sure that was a tribute dance. Y'know, like that guest book note written by Justin Bieber about Anne Frank that he thinks she would have been a "Belieber." Yes, Justin, I'm sure she would have "Baby, Baby, Baby" on auto-repeat until she heard the heavy heels of the Nazis coming up the stairs heading toward the attic. Also, to all of the Bieber fans who posted "Who's Anne Frank?"...fuck you AND your schools. I was reading the play "The Diary of Anne Frank" in middle school! I've seen the "Required Teen Reading" pile at Barnes and Noble, and I think Anne Frank's diary could EASILY replace "Murder on the Orient Express"...and I'M A BIG AGATHA CHRISTIE FAN!
Deep breaths...
Okay, enough of the runaround. There was ACTUAL news this week, and you've probably seen SEVERAL hours of it this week, potentially an entire day's worth spread across the whole week. Someone blew up two bombs near the finish line of the Boston Marathon Monday. At this point, one suspect is dead after a shootout/suicide bomb vest explosion with police. His brother, the other suspect, is in serious condition at a hospital after...you guessed it...a shootout with police from a backyard boat (which just gave me the BEST idea for a reality show: "Backyard Boats"!). We'll get back to the suspect and the guns on the boat in a moment, but I want to briefly touch on the media's rush to be the first to report an arrest this week. And no, I'm not talking about Friday night. No, this was MUCH earlier in the week, as one of the networks that has been known for YEARS as the leader in breaking news...completely mucked it up. I have a reporter friend who says "I'd rather be right than be first." I couldn't agree more. This is just absolutely embarrassing...and who covers embarrassing better than Jon Stewart?
Oh, wait, I'm sorry, I have to clean up...my skull is bleeding because I've been beating it against a wall throughout that whole thing. Wait, I just got the name of John King's source: Johnny McBallsack. Apparently he's Scottish.
So let's go back to the suspect's shootout with police. He had somewhere between one and "a shit-ton" of guns with him on the boat when he was captured. Yes, guns. So take a moment and express your outrage that a terror suspect and his brother were able to get a shit-ton (or fewer) of guns. Now let me bring it back to what ELSE happened in news this week (or, as I call it, "Some Very Good Reasons To Punch 46 Old White Dudes...Also Including A Few Blacks And Latinos...In The Face"):
Look, I get it. Y'all likes yer gunz. I know people who own guns who are very sane individuals and would EASILY pass an expanded background check on the guns. Personally, I'd feel safer knowing that my neighbor had been THOROUGHLY checked out by SOME government agency if I saw them with a gun. To me, protection of my freedom of speech (by protecting me from being SHOT IN THE FACE BY SOME ASSHOLE WHO WASN'T SUBJECTED TO ENOUGH OF A BACKGROUND CHECK) supercedes the second amendment. Because, y'know, I figure they put the Bill of Rights in order of priority. For those of opposed to the background checks, I'm curious what they have to hide. "Well, there was this one time, as Governor of South Carolina, where I completely ditched my job for three days to go hook up with some hot latina piece of meat and, though I lost my job then, the people in charge of hiring me think I'm responsible enough NOW to get hired for a similar job...and I want a damn gun." (obviously I realize that would NOT come up in a background check, but how I can pass up another Mark Sanford joke? It's not like Alvin Greene is still talking about Jim DeMint starting the recession...)
Okay, so it's been a tough week, including a deadly fertilizer plant explosion in Texas. So let's go back to Boston. After that debacle at the beginning of the blog with the anchors, I've decided SPORTS STARS should be commenting for Thinking Hard. And I just fired up the link that will broadcast this video to all major networks live. I'm not worried about censoring anything because sports stars are pretty responsible on the microphone. So, Big Papi, let's get some final, rousing comments about how great the city of Boston is. And we're going live to the network feeds in 3...2...1...
Shit.
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