Worse Mayor...Toronto's Rob Ford or Detroit's Kwame Kilpatrick?

At least Kwame didn't get a reality show before he left office and headed for jail.

What's up, peeps? Welcome back to a Sunday edition of Thinking Hard. I was just in Rome, Georgia, last night for an independent wrestling show. Funniest thing I saw? No, it wasn't the midget wrestler standing next to my 6'4" brother-in-law. It was the tag team called "The Movement"...who, for some reason, thought it made sense to put the team name on their ass. I hear they're facing the team of "Colonic Backup" next week.

Hey, didja know it was Rev. Billy Graham's 95th birthday? Didja? DIDJA? I only say it like that because I live in North Carolina where EVERYONE is clamoring to be up the elder Graham's ass. Fox News especially. Donald Trump attended the party. Greta Van Susterenenenenen also spoke. But my favorite part? The fact that the drivers of the buses bringing people to the event clearly aren't looking where they're going...much like other elderly people. Watch this reporter's expression after a bus almost backs into him...



Bus drivers. Psh.

Need something to disturb your brain? Check out this link of adults recreating childhood photos. Adults in diapers ahoy.

Speaking of diapers and poop humor, you might have seen the latest Thor movie that came out last week. The fabled god from the mythical realm of Asgard returns to Earth yadda yadda. Well, a major advertiser posted a great tweet about the movie this week...and simultaneously disappointed me that I didn't think of this first:

OMG! Butt joke FTW! I think I'm gonn-ass-wipe that joke. No?

Finally, let's wrap this on a good note. I don't usually (read: EVER) go for stories like this, but I fell in love with this one. Young kid fighting leukemia makes a wish with the foundation of the same name...and just wants to be Batman. So the city of San Francisco gets a shitload of THOUSANDS of volunteers to make his wish come true. Heck, even BEFORE the exciting day, a media agency set up a Twitter account for "The Penguin" to "taunt" the "Batkid." This is such a special story, even overshadowing the asshole city leader in San Francisco who thought the money would have been better distributed to children on food stamps. You know what dude? Batman's gonna throw a batarang into your eye and then fuck your sister. Dick. Anyway, check this out...



Kinda brings a tear to my eye to watch a city come together like that. I can think of a lot of other cities who can learn from that.

-B-

I Know What You're Thinking

...Blaine, where have you been?

...Blaine, why didn't you post a blog last week?

...Blaine, I think my baby is yours. Would you take this paternity test?

Ladies, ladies, ladies...and a couple of gentlemen...allow me to note that I'm still alive and kicking. Just had a long weekend last weekend and it didn't allow for any posting. So here I am, a day early (or 6 days late...your pick), to bring you my hard thoughts of the week...and there aren't many.

First, let me say that I want to run for mayor of Toronto, Canada, but I don't do enough drugs.

Second, I really want to punch someone for THIS idea that apparently was considered "good enough for morning news viewers across the nation"...

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Maybe they mean it's a FUCKable conversation? I mean, shit. That's just dumb. I could see if they wanted to walk to a cock. Or a croutch. Or a crotch (see also "cock," but allow the ladies). Or even a conch.



The conch has spoken. But seriously? A commercial to walk to the couch? Shit. My commercial for walking over the couch is a fart. Also, overheard in the newsroom this week: snorefart. Hash-tag that bitch.

Hey, did you hear about the latest issues with Obamacare? Makes me smile...

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Let's step away for just a moment to check out this poppin' new video from the band "Virgin Atlantic" called "Safety Video 2." Watch out, One Direction!



Finally today, a quick personal note. Intern Holly is leaving this weekend from the tree-filled hills of North Carolina to the crack-filled hills of Baltimore, Maryland. Holly makes me smile every day and I enjoy her wit, generally positive outlook...and her ability to interpret my incoherent scribbles on Draw Something (we're almost at a 1,000-drawing streak!). So, Holly, it's with a heavy heart that I say I hope you KILL IT in Baltimore and always remember there's a warm place for you to seek shelter here in Charlotte. Happy trails.

That's it, folks. Have a safe week. The countdown to the new Xbox and new Playstation is almost at an end.

-B-

Haunted

I find myself haunted this Halloween. Haunted by spirits of the dead. Those whose time has come and gone, yet they simply refuse to stay at rest. For example, this delightful interview with porn star Jenna Jameson. She's had many "strokes" in her film career, but it seemed like she had one on-air during a local TV interview in New York. Lesson: porn stars + live TV = viral video.

New York News

A source told the New York Post that Jameson stumbled into the green room and took a nap after the interview. Her spokesperson said she'd just had a long flight and was tired. Oh THAT explains her face.

I'm also haunted by bad decisions in local news. Tip: CNN provides many local news stations with a news/video feed. That feed often comes with a script that's already written out. Should be easy for producers to copy and paste. But it's a crutch. People should be able to tell the stories in their own voices. Sadly, some people still don't get it...



Actually, let's hit up Conan one more time for a spooky edition of "Clueless Gamer"...



I'm also haunted by idiot drivers. People who should not be on the road AT ALL. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. So let's go to Atlanta to see who has me frightened this week...



Honestly, the little bit of drool coming out of the driver's mouth gets me every time. I'm not just frightened on the road. I'm haunted at work. I'm scared I'll do something like THIS...



Investing also frightens me, especially with the idiots on Wall Street. And that includes the people COVERING Wall Street on CNBC.

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And finally, I'm scared of losing my job. But I'm hoping what causes me to be fired won't be NEARLY as epic as what caused a North Carolina politician HIS job...AFTER this interview.



The thing that could be scariest of all? If I run out of video to show on this blog. BOO! Happy Halloween.

-B-

So Now THAT'S Over...Right????

Welcome back to Thinking Hard as we COUNT down to Halloween! (get it? it's a Dracula pun...never mind) And it feels a little like "Trick or Treat" in Washington. This week, the "Treat" was that Congress pulled its head out of its collective ass and finally passed a bill to both end the federal shutdown AND avoid the debt ceiling deadline, which saved the country's credit rating. Yay, right? Not really. Because the bill only delays the issue until after the first of the year...when a NEW deadline is expected to be reached. And Congress STILL doesn't have its budget issues ironed out! What the fuck, Congress? Are you done crying for your MUMMY yet? (see what I did there? it's another Halloween season pun...ah, forget it) And that's not even the "Trick." The figurehead for a lot of the shutdown issues... the guy who spoke for SEVERAL hours and even quoted (in terrible fashion) Dr. Seuss...Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz...says, party be damned, he's heavily considering trying to shut down the government AGAIN! All to get rid of the program that he perceives (though is not directly quoted as saying...I acknowledge I'm putting words in his mouth here) Obamacare as the devil. Worse than the holocaust. Is responsible for the deaths of millions of people!...oh, wait, that's right, the only part of it that's taken effect so far is the SIGN UP!!! Chill! The! Fuck! Out! God forbid someone ELSE have an idea that might actually WORK! And if it doesn't??? Elect your guy into office in 2016 and have him/her (let's be honest...it's the republicans...so, "him") repeal it! It only works in your favor if the big O puts a huge plan into effect that fucks the democrats! You'll have NO PROBLEM coming up with campaign fundraising if the plan fails! But that's not the issue, is it? It's "What if this works?" You're concerned that a successful plan will make the Tea Party look like a bunch of backwoods morons who should go back to making moonshine in their bathtubs. Which means you'll lose support to a republican who might actually be interested in getting something DONE in Washington. But hey, Mr. Cruz, that's cool. Go back to your pet project of trying to get a republican elected in 2016 by shutting down the government. Go back to fucking the American people. Don't stop not thinking about tomorrow. Maybe at some point the American people will realize what you and several others on Capitol Hill are doing and vote you out of office. Actually, come to think of it, that probably won't happen. So when Tea Party republicans knock on my door for a donation, I'm going to egg them and turn the hose on them. Trick or treat.

-B-

Even Though The Government Is Shut Down, Thinking Hard Rages On!

So...we're still shut down. Okay. Let's see how Fox News is covering this:

Thanks Fox. Tonight on Hannity, what The Onion reports is wrong with janitors at Walmart. Y'know what would help Fox? More tech...



To be fair, CNN is also having its fair share of problems. Like geography. Did you know Hong Kong has been moved???

I believe that places Hong Kong somewhere in Brazil. I could be wrong. Maybe we're back to Pangaea.

And now for our very special cooking segment here on Thinking Hard. This week's recipe: "The 5-Second Rule."

WFSB 3 Connecticut

I'm sure his cat just got sick watching him on TV.

Hey, it's Sunday, so many of you are probably at church. Consider this the next time you offer a tithe...the Vatican just cut production of 6,000 medals to mark the first year of Pope Francis' papacy. The reason? Some idiot misspelled a word on the medal. A tiny little mistake. Nothing big. They just spelled the name LESUS CHRIST!!! LESUS!!! On a coin commissioned by the VATICAN!!! Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's going to be asking for a LOT of forgiveness.

Now, NONE of what I've shown you so far is nearly as offensive as this new video game out for smartphones. It's a great example of the lack of anyone WATCHING and PLAYING these games at Google before they hit the market. I'm not sure which is more offensive...that this exists, or that it exists for $2.65. So, without further ado, I present to you...(please also note the name of the company that made this game)...Popsicle Showdown:



I feel dirty. Let's wrap this week up with an unfortunate moment for some coffee drinkers...who didn't need the caffeine after all to wake up:



ALL I WANTED WAS AN EXTRA ESPRESSO SHOT!!!

-B-

Are We Still Shut Down?

Welcome all my friends to the shutdown that never ends. As we speak, I'm hearing House Speaker John Boehner dodge questions from ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos (or similarly spelled). But to be fair, the big O has been avoiding his fair share of questions at news conferences. So, bottom line...week 1 of the shutdown is almost in the books, and it's not likely that we'll get anything hammered out. Also, we're about to hit the debt ceiling. So there's that. Yay government. Y'know, I'm just gonna hand this thing off to Jon Stewart because this is so frustrating to watch, I can't even comprehend it. Thanks a lot, Tea Party. (ps: CNN, a countUP clock is the most bizarre thing I've seen you do since the election teleporter)





Now, watch closely as Fox News goes from "Who gives a shit" to "Wait, our DEMOGRAPHIC gives a shit!"



Hey, whether old people get to see a war memorial doesn't really matter to me...so the shutdown isn't a problem?

-B-

Congress Shut Down The Government Because Breaking Bad Ended

#iwish

What's up, party people? Welcome to October, with exciting days like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve on the horizon, not to mention my personal favorite, Martin Luther King, Jr., Day. I have a dream too. It involves a shitload of money and a lot of hookers. No?

I mean, seriously, what kind of world is it where Bill Nye ISN'T The Dancing Guy??? Where a simple investigation into a shirtless old guy at his home turns into fisticuffs caught on camera. (Sorry, guys, there was no way to embed this video)

Hey, you know what I don't like to see in my congressional debate coverage? A--holes quoting Dr. Seuss. I didn't know the good Doctor personally, but I'm pretty sure he's spinning in his grave at the thought of a lawmaker saying "I do not like green eggs and ham...and I don't like Obamacare either." Fucking REALLY? THAT was the best fucking line you could come up with??? Here, let me give it a whirl..."In a land full of dingledippers and jazzpats, it takes a true republican to come out looking like an asshat. I would kick them in a box...because they sound like a bunch of cocks." Seriously, you guys have people who write shit for you...THEY can do better. Hell, even those of us at Thinking Hard can do better. Yes we can.

I'll be honest, I have next to nothing this week. I was on a great lake vacation (not to be confused with a vacation at a Great Lake) with the family and it was awesome...until night fell, at which point I believed Jason Voorhees was going to slowly work his way out of the water and come after me, despite a lack of recent sexual action. I HAD been drinking, and you know how Captain Hockey Mask feels about drinkers too. And I might have been able to outrun the guy, but he has that uncanny ability to APPEAR OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! And to add to the comedy, it was only on the SECOND night that it occurred to me to check under the bed. Don't judge. That shit will keep you alive in any horror movie. But yeah, good time. So I hope everyone has an awesome week. We'll get back up with you this weekend here on TH. 'Til then, peace.

-B-