Well Ain't That Just A Mutha...Nature

Hey, welcome back to the defrosted Thinking Hard blog. The offices were filled with several inches of snow last week...and because North Carolina only owns about 3 snowplows, it's a wonder I even got back to my apartment from work. Seriously. My complex didn't shovel or scrape or anything. It's a good thing I don't live on a hill...oh, wait...

I know I've been kinda lax lately with the blogging and such. Sorry. My personal life abounds with busyness...or is that business? Anyway, I'd like to point out the passing of Hollywood legend Sid Caesar. His show was essentially the precursor to Saturday Night Live...with OR without a black woman in the cast. Also, I don't know if you caught that Philip Seymour Hoffman passed. I think WABC in New York is still a little confused...

Remember, kids, ALWAYS check the spelling of your tweets. Hey, a quick shout out to Jimmy Fallon, who started his (hopefully not brief) stint as Tonight Show host last night. He had a lot of cameos, including Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey and Stephen Colbert, who welcomed him "to 11:30, bitch!" Hope it goes well for you Jimmy! I'm also looking forward to Seth Meyers taking over the 12:30am spot. He's pretty funny and seems like a nice enough dude.

Hey, back to the snow. You remember the debacle a couple weeks ago in Atlanta where the roads were just piled upon by white shit? Well, folks there claimed to be prepared, but local TV stations wanted to make SURE people understood they could be stuck on the roads again and what a terrible situation it could be. I'm sure this cost someone their job, but this is probably most informative graphic I have EVER seen on a TV station...

I would also have added "Fuck you if you think you're going out in this shit, young man/woman!" Speaking of, I saw Dallas Buyers Club...Jared Leto is REALLY good as a cross dresser. And it's a really good movie. I liked it more than I expected. You should check it out. As for me, I'm out. No, not like Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club. Just outta here. Stay warm!

-B-

Sooo...It's Snowing

Yup. So there's that.

Hey, do you know who Samuel L. Jackson is? Y'know, Pulp Fiction? "Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?" "Go ahead, say 'What' one more time, mother fucker, I DARE you!" Yeah, that guy. Ummm...this entertainment anchor from LOS FUCKING ANGELES had a slight problem...and Sammy called him out HARDCORE. This. Is. Epic.



I love Sam Jackson. And Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel. I hear he's a dick to work with sometimes. But THIS? This is SOOOOO worth it.



Hey, kid, Ninja Tip #23...DON'T SCREAM WHILE YOU'RE RUNNING AT SOMEONE YOU'RE TRYING TO SURPRISE. You're pretty much just ASKING for a knee to the junk. Speaking of knees to the junk, I have a 12-hour shift of snow coverage coming up...and a hotel stay that will keep me from my apartment. Gotta jet.

-B-

Why Is It So Damn Cold?

A quick note to all you "the cold weather disproves global warming" nay-sayers...shut. the. fuck. up. Until you actually understand the science behind something you are NO LONGER allowed to "be the first to officially de-bunk global warming." Asses.

Hey, welcome back to the blog. Even you, Justin Bieber. Even you. So while I was out, a shitload of chemicals spilled into a river in West Virginia. The head of the company responsible for the aforementioned "tainting" decided to hold a news conference (while drinking crystal clear bottled water...because who drinks from the tap anymore, amiright?) He tried to dodge questions and leave the news conference. And then a reporter did something close to epic...



Now, to be fair to all of those people who HATE the media, this clip is for you. It follows last night's state of the union speech and the reporter is asking a congressman about campaign finance allegations. I'm only using Fox for this because it has good subtitles...and this is something you HAVE to be sure to read if you can't hear it...



How long until I have Rob Ford picking Grimm as a running mate for ANYTHING?

-B-

Well, There's Always 2015

Happy 2014, Hard Thinkers. I hope you had a safe and wonderful New Year. But there are already some people having their worst start ever for a year. And no, I'm not talking about Chris Christie and the dolts that have nicknamed his current scandal "Bridgate." No, I'm talking about people like this woman on Fox's New Year's Eve bash:



Actually, I think SHE was having a blast. Him? Probably wishing he was anywhere else right then. But hey, it's 2014, so we're gonna fuck shit up. Like the Transformers franchise. Remember how the first movie was all cool and stuff? And then the second one was okay but we didn't want to admit it might have some sucky parts? And then the third one? And now the FOURTH one? Seriously, is Bumblebee gonna be the next co-star in the "Fast and Furious" movies??? Anyway, Michael Bay is...well, Michael Bay. He's gonna direct shit whether you like it or not. And he's gonna bang Megan Fox whether humanity likes it or not (KIDDING! There's zero proof that the two of them ever hooked up...it's just funny. Just with the jokes, people.). One would assume he's able to sit there and shoot the shit about things like movies and TVs and which TVs are best to show his epic movies. That's what Samsung thought too. Samsung thought he should bullshit on a stage about how cool its new curved TVs are. Samsung thought it would be a ringing endorsement by a big Hollywood director that the news media would LOVE and put all over the news for some free press. Samsung got it PARTIALLY right. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Michael Bay's latest offering, a clip I like to call "How I Shit The Bed"...



That dude is having a TERRIBLE start to 2014. He DOES like to take people on an emotional ride, though. This time, I was feeling horror, then shock, then confusion, then humor, then schadenfreude. But that's funny...that's the same reaction I have to some of his movies. I walk right out in embarrassment.

Here's another couple of guys who started off 2014 to a shitty start. They broke into a home. The home of a TV news photographer. With a camera. That's turned on. Also, a special shout-out to good friend Linzi Sheldon. It's nice to see she's doing well in the Pacific Northwest. Anyway, check this out...



Also starting the year off with a shitty time? People living anywhere in the eastern 2/3 of the United States. It's fucking COLD this week! And snowy! But mostly record-breaking COLD! So cold, people are trying an idiotic stunt of trying to throw boiling water in the air and watching it turn to vapor. Which some idiots are burning themselves with. Morons. Anyway, here's one example of a news station trying to urge people to be morons...



Finally, these guys are having a bad start to their year...or good, depending on how hard you laugh. The guy on the right is the brother of friend-of-the-show Bridget. This is only slightly LESS awkward than Michael Bay on the Samsung stage...



Anyway, however you started 2014, I hope it was good, but I hope the end of the year is even better. All the best!

-B-

Having A Cool Yule

This installment of Thinking Hard is all about a couple of presents from us at TH to you. I know, I know...don't thank us now. You can just send us a "late Christmas present" in cash.

If this is your first visit to TH, welcome. I encourage you to check out the entire year's worth of blogs (probably about 50 or so) because they're usually pretty entertaining. Sometimes. Okay, once in a while. But those of you who have stuck with the blog through the whole year know we strive to bring you some of the better video on the interwebs that you generally might not see anywhere else. No, no Miley Cyrus twerking here. Fuck that shit. No, you get local news fuck-ups, like the anchor who started his very first broadcast at his new station with the words "Fucking shit." Yes it's been a glorious year FULL of news bloopers...some of them seen here, others we might have missed. The researchers responsible for those have been fired. Twice. So, here it is, a year in review of some of the best news bloopers of 2013...



Y'know, one of the best things about working in TV news is being able to work in the station in onesie pajamas. I know, I know, they might seem passé, but they're making a comeback. Don't believe me? Check out this North Carolina guy's holiday greeting video.



Hey, there was a big UFC title fight last night. Had to be stopped because one competitor BROKE HIS SHIN during the fight! And I mean BROKE it. Like it bent 90 degrees against the other dude's leg. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to skip this video. If not, check this shit out...



It reminds me of a wrestling pay-per-view many years ago (late 90's-early 2000's) when one guy was just jumping off the top rope, landed funny, and his leg broke on pay-per-view! It was crazy! Here, take a look...



And now it's time for a little reflection. 2013 has been a very interesting year. Nominated for an Emmy...didn't win. Tried to get a new job...didn't succeed. Reconnected with a very dear friend of mine...that's probably one thing that went right for me over the year. It just goes to show you that no matter what you plan going into the new year, it never quite works out how you expect. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But it's how we deal with those changes that shapes who we are on the inside. Makes us stronger in some cases. I think I was empowered by a line spoken by British actor Matt Smith: "Today's the day you save the world." Damn right it is. And with that, it's time to turn to a holiday classic. The holiday classic that didn't air on my local TV station, forcing me to work on Christmas morning. Yes, it's time for the Yule Log. You know the video...it shows for hours on TV stations and is literally JUST video of a fire burning in a fireplace. Usually it's accompanied by Christmas songs. This year, things are a little different. This year, it's got a cat with asthma called Lil Bub (cute as can be...and his tongue sticks out because he's missing teeth). If you need an hour of joy, this is it. Especially early on in the clip when it looks like he looks at the fire, then off-camera as if to say "Um, you guys know there's a FIRE back there, right??? Shouldn't someone be doing something about that???" So, I leave you with a Lil Bub Yule Log and the best wishes for a 2014 that is all that you hope for...and never more than you can handle. Peace to you all.



-B-

Have Yourself A Melee Little Christmas

Seriously, Kentucky shoppers??? You gotta be all fighting THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS??? That's like an automatic FIVE pieces of coal in your stocking...for the next ten years!

Hey, welcome to your Christmas present...a mid-week Thinking Hard. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate it, Happy Kwanzaa to those who celebrate it, and Happy Celebration Of Liberal-Bashing to those at Fox News who quietly celebrate it. They'd send their own greetings, but they're off fighting the war on Christmas.

Hey, wanna know what gets a news anchor FIRED from a station in Wichita, Kansas? On a Saturday night? And keeps him from getting ANOTHER JOB he had lined up? It's the last 6 words (7 if you like "outta" is better as "out of") in this clip...



Perhaps when he said "Let's get the fuck outta here," he meant "my career in news." Poor guy. Lesson #1 in news...if you have a microphone on, ALWAYS assume that it is turned on.

However, there were some other embarrassing moments in local news in the last couple of weeks. Take this brilliant blonde killjoy from a station in Raleigh. Perhaps she should have called out "SPOILER ALERT!"...



Is that meteorologist going for her jugular??? Awesome! Santa approves! But that's not all. How about we all just air the same script that comes to us from CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC or Fox? All around the nation? That way no one misses out!



Hey, lazy producers, it's okay if you go fuck yourselves too. Santa does NOT approve! And then there's the tweet sent out by the sports director of a station in Oklahoma City. It read “Happy we are the melting pot. Will be happier …if ppl who pour into our pot & sell me fuel & Milk Duds find time to learn our language.” I'm betting someone's gonna find Milk Duds in his fuel. More coal! Santa disapproval!

DUCK! Perhaps you heard about Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty "fame" speaking about why he thinks gays are just wrong. He told GQ magazine (also, a quick "fuck you" to GQ magazine for thinking Robertson should be interviewed. What, George Zimmerman too busy? Santa does NOT approve in principle!) "It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical." I believe by "more to offer," he meant in hillbilly-ese that "she can cook in the kitchen and clean clothes and birth babies all day." I wonder how he feels about a WOMAN'S anus. Maybe he thinks it smells like roses? Anyway, A&E thought enough to boot him from the show. Well, A&E, you're halfway there...now about the SHOW...

Finally, there's the Bloomberg (that's the money reporting folks) TV anchor who thought it would be interesting to give his co-anchors $20 in "bitcoin" last week. For those of you who aren't following it, bitcoin is the latest virtual currency that's starting to be used to buy stuff online and in actual stores and restaurants. A QR code is used to access the money. Which is why some greedy folks IMMEDIATELY jumped on their smartphones when the anchor SHOWED THE QR CODE ON TV!!! It's amazing how quickly 20 bucks can disappear into the interwebs. Seriously dude. That's like putting your credit card number AND security code on TV. I mean, I guess I could understand how you could make that mistake...IF YOU DIDN'T WORK AT BLOOMBERG!!! Santa disapproves HEAVILY!...but appreciates the 20 bucks.

Hey, thanks for coming back for this Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. I hope you and your loved ones are well and stay that way this holiday season. Cheers!

-B-

For Nelson Mandela

Actually, to be honest, I know Mr. Mandela never read Thinking Hard when he was alive, so all I can really do to pay tribute to him is be my usual funny and snarky self. This one's for you, Nel-Man. (that's what I always called him in my letters to him...can't imagine why he never wrote back). Actually, let's do this memoriam right, and for that, I go to a news station in Detroit. Of COURSE it's Detroit:

Did you look closely at the picture of "Mandela" in the bottom left hand corner? I knew it! Mandela's been roiding and A-Rod has been masquerading as a peaceful world leader! J'accuse!

By the way, did you know it's getting colder? Ice on the roads? Snow falling from the sky? Hey, here's a tip from a local news station in Minneapolis...don't become the lead story:



Having grown up in Iowa, Midwest roads during the winter weather season are not fun to experience. To WATCH, yes. To EXPERIENCE, no.

Well that's all the brevity I have for this week. Hey, next weekend I'm taking my annual Christmas trip to Chicago to see the family. As always, I'll try to blog while I'm gone, but I make no promises. I might be out for two weekends, but keep checking back. If I don't blog at you before Christmas, have the happiest of holidays and do NOT give out the fruit cake. The fruit cake is a bullshit present for people that you don't know how to shop for...at which point, they'd really rather have a gift card.

-B-