And Now...Lady Issues

Before I start this special blog for the ladies, happy Lent. You know Lent.. it's the 40 days before Easter, when people generally give up something they like or take on something they don't like. Take the Pope for example...he's going to tweet once a day during Lent. So he apparently gave up sanity for 40 days. And speaking of being insane, a special FUCK YOU to all of you dumb pieces of shit who mobbed the malls Friday for the ugly-ass Nike "Is That Even A Real Word" Foamposite Galaxy shoes...as in, "Police tell us the murder suspect was last seen wearing a pair of Nike Foamposite Galaxy shoes." Also, the $220/pair shoes glow in the dark, so people are going to see you running away from those late night murders. And just like those ridiculous Air Jordans that were released a few weeks ago, finding a white guy in the crowd is near impossible. Again, the black economy must be fantastic. Why must I be so white?

Alright, onto the special Lady Issues...first, let's touch on Virginia's passage this week of a bill making it a little more awkward for women to get an abortion:

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Um...yeah, that's all of the Lady Issues I really have this week. Unless you count the female sense of humor:



Ahahahahahaha! Yes! They got into a serious car crash because of HIGH GAS PRICES! Not only is that HILARIOUS, but it's TIMELY!

Let me give a shout-out to a special lady before I wrap this up: Taylor Swift. Now, now, I sense you pulling away from me in disgust. This isn't one of THOSE shout-outs. This is more of a "Thank you for restoring my faith in human decency" thing. See, an 18-year-old guy who's been suffering from leukemia and/or cancer much of his life wanted nothing more than to ask Taylor Swift to prom. His sister, who loves him very much, started a Facebook campaign (one of the few times I can say "Facebook" without vomiting) to drum up support. After 90,000 people joined in the effort, Taylor Swift declined the offer...and instead offered to take him to the Academy of Country Music awards. Truly a PR move, but she didn't have to acknowledge him at all. Instead, she avoids a ton of teenage fanatics (and their fathers) to let a guy with a deadly disease walk a red carpet. Classy. I wish other people were just as kind...instead of using Facebook to bitch about their jobs.

-B-

Don't Stop Believe-Lin

Hey, since the rest of the world is coming up with stupid Jeremy Lin puns for the NBA flavor of the month, I figured I'd throw mine in there too. Remember, it's not about the dest-Lin-nation, it's about Journey.

Kind of a slow week...and yes, I'm still sick of "I Will Always Love You." It WAS kind of funny to see the Bobby Brown showed up briefly for Whitney Houston's funeral yesterday...but left after he was told there wasn't enough seating room for all NINE MEMBERS of his entourage. Really, Bobby? Do you need more than FOUR guys to give you cocaine throughout the service?

For those of you who were concerned and offered to donate to my cause, Microsoft refunded the money taken from people who hacked my Xbox Live account a couple of weeks ago. Let me say, big ups to Microsoft. Sure, the security measures might still have a few holes, but the investigation team concluded their case AND got me my money back in less than two weeks. Some years, I can't get my tax refund back in that short amount of time.

Let me step back into the basketball fray for a second, mostly because we're mid-way through February and March is right around the corner. Y'know, I see a lot of basketball fans in ESPN highlights trying to psych out the visiting teams. And they're generally shouting, cheering, waving pompoms, etc. Well, there's this one freaky-looking dude, who decided that his own FACE was enough to psych out the opposing team:

On the plus side? I can guarantee the cotton candy vendors will stay as far away from him as possible.

-B-

Te Gusta Losing, Numbnuts?

Hey, everybody, and welcome back to the blog. I want to get the somber stuff out of the way first. Yesterday, pop music star Whitney Houston was found dead in her hotel room. It's starting to sound like she drowned in her bathtub. It's a tragic end to the diva who, quite frankly, I'm surprised hadn't died of a drug overdose during her marriage to Bobby Brown. I'm not sure if she had a drug issue before she married him, but it sure became a BIG problem after they married. It's sad that someone with such an amazing career in the 80s and early 90s went on to have so many troubles. And I can think of only a few less glamorous ways to die than in the bathtub of your hotel room (possibly surrounded by drugs...but that has yet to be proven). So, Whitney Houston fans, try to keep "The Bodyguard" Whitney in your heart as you mourn her passing...and not the "Bobby Brown fucked that chick UP" Whitney.

Alright, so let's get down to this. Hey, in case you missed it, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl last Sunday in dramatic fashion. This followed an email sent by Patriots QB Tom Brady's wife, Giselle Bundchen, to family and friends, asking them to "pray for Tommy." Well, her behavior only got weirder (and more obnoxious) during and after the big game. She was quoted by The Insider after the game as saying "My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time." At least one of Brady's teammates says she should shut up and go back to looking cute. I don't think she can do either. Have you seen her face? Ugh. And honestly, with that attitude, I think she ought to rename herself Giselle Bitchen. (I wish I could have come up with something clever that went with "Cum Dumpster," but I couldn't)

Hey, have you had a bad break-up recently? You might be able to find out WHY your heart was shattered on the new website WotWentWrong.com. Dumpees can register and send an email to the heartbreaker in question, who in turn can respond to the website and not to the user him/herself in as much or as little detail as desired. Because nothing says "I wish you all the best" than letting everyone on the internet read "Teresa was so bad in bed, it was like fucking a fish. And don't even get me started on how she SMELLS..."

Thirsty? Looking for a bridge between your meal and your dessert? Jack in the Box can help. The fast-food joint is offering a Bacon Shake. Yes. That's right. A BACON milkshake. Don't worry about getting chunks of pork as you're slurping your straw...it's made with a bacon syrup with no chunks whatsoever (unless you count the ones I'm blowing at the THOUGHT of this monstrosity). Sixteen ounces of this bad boy will get you 773 of your daily calories...and 24 ounces will give you 1,081. But don't go looking for this on the drive-thru menu. It's a SECRET item that you can only get if you know about it ahead of time. It's like walking up to that shady-looking dude on the street corner and saying "No, that meth you're selling won't kill me fast enough...but that BACON SHAKE in your pocket is EXACTLY what I'm looking for."

Finally, a lesson from local television...not to pimp out a weather forecast that may or may not actually happen, but to ALWAYS know who you're about to interview ahead of time. Anchors hate surprises:



I'm sure the anchor yelled at the producer for this error...because that's all anchors ever do. They yell at, berate, criticize and talk down to producers. Though in all fairness to Fox, I'm sure they're used to fuck-ups like this during every newscast. It's in their contracts.

-B-

I'm In A Shitty Mood

Hi. I'd be able to write a full blog today if it wasn't for the fact that some a-hole hacked my Xbox 360 account and caused me to lose $125. So now I'm going to be chatting online live with Microsoft to try to get my money back. Meantime, watch this video. It shows how movie marketers made it look like there were people flying over the skies of New York City to promote the new film "Chronicle." It's pretty badass. They're using ultralight parts and radio controls:



When I see you next week, I'll either have my $125 back...or I'm leaving Microsoft.

-B-

Pancakes Soothe My Anger

Hello, one and all, and welcome back to the blog. By this time next week, we should have a winner of the Florida GOP primary and I'm going out on a limb to make my prediction. The winner of Tuesday's primary will be...that one guy. With the thing. Who's always talking about that stuff. Y'know, about the government. Who's been kinda up and down in the polls. You know the one...the guy they've made fun of on Saturday Night Live. The guy who says he can beat Obama in November. Yeah, that one.

Also, one more bit of business before we get down to it. NBC's spy comedy "Chuck" officially came to an end Friday night after five seasons. The writers got to do an official send-off. It was amazing. Honestly, it was one of the most relate-able shows I've ever watched. If you've ever felt like a geek or nerd and wished something big would happen to you to prove to yourself that you're a bigger deal than what others thought of you, this was the show to watch. And it was funny. And charming. And I'm sad to see it go. I can only hope that if I ever write a TV show, I can put a voice to it that is so welcomed as the writers of "Chuck" did. Thanks guys for five great years.

You ever have those days/weeks/months/jobs where you try to do your work, but it seems like EVERYONE is critical of what you're doing? I'm thinking about starting a Twitter account called "Stupid Shit Heard In My TV Studio/Newsroom." It would start with "But the State of the Union happens EVERY year...can't we start the show with something ELSE???"

Speaking of stupid things that can occasionally be heard by inappropriate people at inappropriate times, what's the deal with leaving cell phones on during movies or stage/musical performances? Seriously, people! You are NOT so fucking important that the world won't wait 2 hours for you to finish enjoying your day before turning your cell phone back on. And if you ARE so fucking important...why not find someone else to cover for you for a couple of hours? Case in point, an orchestral performance was stopped in the UK a couple of weeks ago because someone in the front row left their cell phone on...and it rang. And rang. Yes, the person who didn't have the common decency to turn off the phone in the first place didn't want to admit to leaving it on, so they didn't even TRY to stop it from ringing. One thing that DID stop? The orchestra. Yup. They waited for the inconsiderate fucker's phone to stop ringing before resuming. That kinda spoils it for everyone else in the audience. I prefer the route of the Slovakian violinist, who found himself in the same situation recently and decided it would not stop him from being a professional...



COME ON! PHONES HAVE A "SILENT" FEATURE!!! JUST USE THAT!!!!!!

Also, would you PLEASE watch where you're driving???

Watch out for the pole!: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Wow, that happened at such a high speed, I'm not sure the driver had time to swerve and avoid the crash, or even hit the brakes. Hey, with that kind of clarity at the wheel, there's definitely a future for that guy as a news anchor. Yep, the pancakes didn't COMPLETELY soothe my anger.

-B-

A Big Week For Fat People

Two major events happened that should make "rounder americans" very happy. 1. Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary. True, he stores most of HIS fat in his head, but still. 2. Burger King is going to try out home delivery. Yes, you read that right. Burger King no longer wants people to WALK OFF their ridiculously greasy and cholesterol-heavy meals. Now the restaurant wants to bring it RIGHT to the customers' front doors! Tip: if you leave the door unlocked and say "Come on in" when they arrive, you can retain the quite-literal hold your couch has on you. In fact, the couch will actually meld into your fat.

Speaking of horrendous things that fat people do, Paula Deen has been trying to kill us all for the past three years. Okay, that's a SLIGHT exaggeration. In reality, she said this week she's had Type 2 diabetes for the past three years. So, while her body has been responding (as many bodies do) quite NEGATIVELY to the incredibly high number of jowls she has, she has been encouraging US to eat the same butter-rich foods that got her diabetes! So apparently Paula Deen is NOT a chef but a teacher of Darwin's Theory of Evolution: Survival of the Fattest. If she can't live past her 60th birthday, none of us can! It's diabolical! MWAHAHAHAHAHA..*ahem*...

While I'm on the subject of old ladies, I'm adding a new Friend of the Show this week. It's written by a 24-year-old woman who's enjoying the exploits of the dating world...along with her GRANDMOTHER. Yes, you can find the entertaining (not ALWAYS hilarious, but entertaining nonetheless) "Granny is my Wingman" blog in the Friends of the Show section.

So when I saw the headline in Toledo, Ohio, this week "Reporter Pole Dances During Live Shot," I was expecting a reasonably attractive woman in a tight outfit and tall boots. Two out of three ain't bad...



There are some things you just can't un-see. But much like actually strippers, he still got the CLAP at the end of the day. (For the record, we here at Thinking Hard strongly support the right-to-work for any female american and fervently believe that if you have a moneymaker, by all means shake it. You'll make more money than me.)

Sure, it's funny when one person at a TV station does something ridiculous on TV. But what if it's SEVERAL people, including the person in charge of all the action, the NEWS DIRECTOR? There's a trial going on in Cleveland, Ohio, and while other stations are using the basic "inside the courtroom" video to cover it, one station is going above and BEYOND to give its viewers an update on the action. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the most Bat-Shit Crazy thing I've seen at all this week...The Puppets' Court:



ONE! ONE news director who's going to get fired! TWO! TWO news directors who are going to get fired! THREE! THREE news directors...

-B-

Third Place Is All I Need

Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Hey, does anyone remember the ShamWow or the SlapChop? Well, now there's a new item to take care of (among other things) unsightly and unwelcome hair:



A brief note before going further...we have a new Friend of the Show. My buddy Mark has Graves Disease and it forced him to leave a job he loved. I want more people to know about this disease and what the people who have it are dealing with. So he's our new Friend of the Show. Check it out under "Graves New World."

We're getting really excited here at the offices for the new Batman movie out this summer. But a TV station in Los Angeles apparently LOVES Batman...as exhibited by their over-the-top response to a live interview with the guy who originally played Robin. Boy Wonder, meet Girl Blunder...



And did she say she also has a Catwoman costume??? Holy unemployment line, Batman!

Anybody watching the primaries? Anybody??? Well, we wrap today's blog with the man who won in New Hampshire...and a guy who seriously needs to raise his standards...

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