Selection Sunday

You know, if there's one question I get from readers of Thinking Hard this time of year, it's "Why aren't you wearing pants?" And if I get TWO questions, it's "Why aren't you wearing pants?" and "Who's in this year's Hottest Mess Tournament?"

It's....time.

As you know, we expanded the tournament this year. There are now SEVENTEEN entrants! Obviously, they're going to need to be split up into four divisions. AND...we're going to have our first PLAY-IN GAME! (I LOVE this time of year!)

So, let's start things off with the brand-new POLITICS REGION. These entrants are seeded by bracket. The top-seeded Hot Mess in the Politics Region is...drumroll...Sarah Palin! She will face off in the opening round against the number-four seed...Oprah Winfrey! On the other side of the bracket, the number-two seed is...Hillary Clinton! She'll face off against the number-three seed...Patti Blagojevich!

Wow! Big names! Big Start! Let's keep it rolling...

The winner of the Politics Region will face the winner of the new SKEWED REALITY REGION for the divisional championship (and the right to go to the national championship). The top seed goes to...PARIS HILTON! You might remember she lost in the first round of last year's tournament, but she lost to the woman who came in second overall, Lindsay Lohan. Hilton will compete in the first round against the number-four seed...HOLLY MADISON! On the other end of the bracket, the number-two seed is...LINDSAY LOHAN! Lohan will take on the number-three seed...HEIDI MONTAG!

Moving on to the bottom of the brackets...

We have the brand-new ENTERTAINMENT ETC. REGION! Competitors in this category could be singers, actresses, porn stars, street performers/hookers...this is pretty much a catch-all region...since I'm sure the men they've been with have "caught all" they really care to have. Let's start with the number-one seed...BRITNEY SPEARS! Spears came in third in the tournament last year and hopes to have a strong showing this year. Her opponent is the fourth-seeded...AMY WINEHOUSE! Winehouse stumbled out of the tournament in the first round last year. The other side of the bracket looks like this...number-two seeded MILEY CYRUS (It's STILL a felony!) takes on the number-three seeded SKINNY BITCHES OF 90210!

Man, I can't wait to see how that comes out. Speaking of coming out, our last region...THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX! These are all competitors who are mothers...but probably shouldn't be. No surprise here, the number-one seed is...NADYA SULEMAN, THE OCTO-MOM! She'll take on the number-four seed...to be determined by the play-in game. Stand by for that. Let's check out the other half of the Oedipus Region...number-two seeded ANGELINA JOLIE looks to take on number-three seeded ASHLEE SIMPSON-WENTZ!

Now for the play-in game. These two competitors are playing for the number-four seed in the Oedipus Region. And this matchup is...BRISTOL PALIN vs. KATE FROM "JON AND KATE PLUS 8!"

Now, if you've never seen "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on TLC, this couple had twins...then a short time later had sextuplets (stop me if you've heard this one...*cough*NadyaSuleman*cough*). I keep seeing clips of the show where Kate treats Jon like her ninth child. She bashes him in front of the children. These kids are going to grow up thinking their daddy is a butler or something and their real daddy ran off with the maid. They might as well call it "Kate Plus 9." There's even been talk recently that Jon might have cheated on Kate, but both deny it. Kate was quoted as saying "We love each other very much...ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DEAR???" Apparently she had a car battery attached to his nipples.

But Bristol Palin's having her own issues. She just announced that she called off her engagement with the guy who tapped that as...I mean, conceived a beautiful baby boy with her. Now, his sister claims Bristol is too controlling and won't let the man see his child. Plus, she's a Palin.

Winner: BRISTOL PALIN! WHOA! We have Bristol Palin on one half of the board and Sarah Palin on the OTHER half! We could end up with a Mom-War in the Championship Game! Palin moves on to face Nadya Suleman in the opening round.

Well, that's the layout for this year's tournament. I have a bracket I'm going to try to post soon, but if not...well, you'll survive right?

LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!!
-B-