Who Doesn't Love A Cat Fight?

It's been the talk of the internet all week...Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament '09 commences today. But one of our contenders almost didn't make it, while another contender called 911 when we tried to drag her kicking and screa...er, I mean, PROVIDE COURTESY TRANSPORTATION to this year's tournament! Apparently Thinking Hard's reputation preceded me...

So, let's get down to it. We'll start in the Politics Region...

1. Sarah Palin vs. 4. Oprah Winfrey
It's been a tough year for both of these women. Oprah backed yet ANOTHER fictional "memoir"...seriously, who's vetting these authors??? Speaking of vetting, who prepped Sarah Palin for a White House run with John McCain??? For months, this hockey mom wouldn't stop winking at me or calling me "Joe." Everywhere she went, she saw Joes. Joe Biden. Joe the Plumber. Joe Six-Pack. She'd be calling Todd "Joe" in bed...if he wasn't spending so much time with the Idiot-arod. She even got to name his dogs..."Joe", "Joe", "Joe"... Don't feel too badly for her. At least she didn't name them after the magazines she reads at home: "Um", "Er", "Well", "I, uh." At least OPRAH can pick a winning president.
Hotter Mess: Sarah Palin

2. Hillary Clinton vs. 3. Patti Blagojevich
To be fair, I think the only reason both of these women made it into this year's tournament is the person they married. Bill did the fucking at the office...Rod did the "fuck"-ing on the phone. Hillary did make a great run at the White House. Sure, she cried and we could have only waited in fear for "All The President's Men-opause," but she proved she could be a decent leader and ended up Secretary of State. Her first few months in office? Spent on the other side of the world. President Obama knows a woman's place is in the war zone. Patti Blagojevich? The only mess hotter than the Middle East.
Hotter Mess: Patti Blagojevich

Over to the Skewed Reality Region...
1. Paris Hilton vs. 4. Holly Madison
This one seems like a slam dunk, considering Paris Hilton's seen more rim-jobs than the entire history of the NCAA tournament. She's even dating Doug Reinhardt from the "reality" show "The Hills." But let's take a moment to consider her opposition. Young. Blonde. Stupid. Almost like Paris Hilton...except Paris hasn't slept with anyone who fought in the Civil War.
Hotter Mess (and asking for John McCain's number): Holly Madison

2. Lindsay Lohan vs. 3. Heidi Montag
OH, I LOVE THIS ONE! The bi-slash-hetero-slash-homo-sexual starless..er, starLET. The chick from the "reality" show "The Hills." Lindsay Lohan fakes being in love with that guy, Sam Ronson...Heidi Montag fakes being married to an obnoxious Pratt named Spencer. Police in Los Angeles filed an arrest warrant for Lohan last weekend for violation of her parole from her 2007 drunk-driving arrest. Her alcohol education class (doesn't she know that stuff already? She drinks enough of it) director told police she missed three sessions over three weeks. But her lawyer argued she had left that program for another due to a -quote- "personality conflict." Yeah, the instructor had one, she didn't. And recently, Lohan tried to escape the paparazzi by going to Jack Nicholson's house and waking him up (he didn't sound pleased). Right...if there's someone who knows how to avoid the limelight, it's Jack Nicholson. Actually, he could pull it off...if he told them he's in a new movie. Maybe "Wolf 2"?
FAR Hotter Mess: Lindsay Lohan

Moving down to the Entertainment Etc. Region:
1. Britney Spears vs. 4. Amy Winehouse
Neither of these..ahem, LADIES...is a stranger to the tournament. Proper hygiene, yes...the tournament, no. Britney's back on tour now with this circus that is her life. Wait, what? OH, sorry, it's CALLED Circus. My bad. Apparently she's been getting anonymous death threats lately, presumably because she's lip-synching. Too bad the only time she's really USING the microphone is when she thinks it's off and she says the wardrobe is "too tight on my p***y." That is the first, last and only time you'll ever hear me use the word "tight" in a sentence talking about Britney Spears' p***y. At least she IS trying to get it together. Meanwhile, Winehouse has been in and out of Rehab (she kept saying "No...ah, you know the punchline) and was recently charged with punching a fan in the eye who asked for her autograph. To be fair, at least Winehouse wasn't holding a pen at the time.
Hotter Mess: Amy Winehouse

2. Miley Cyrus vs. 3. The Girls of 90210
It's amazing...I'm pretty slender, but ALL of these girls COMBINED still weigh less than me. Hell, they weigh less than a box of toothpicks. But let's consider their diets: Miley has a penchant for aged sausage, preferrably around 20 years or so (IT'S STILL A FELONY!). The girls of 90210 binge occasionally on a cracker. Then they don't eat for a week.
Hotter Mess: 90210 Girls

Let's wrap this thing up over in the Oedipus Complex:
1. Nadya Suleman vs. 4. Bristol Palin
This week, Octomom brought home two of her newborns. The paparazzi swarmed her home to get a picture of the children. They even dented her garage door, trying to get pictures before it closed. Suleman called 911 in a panic because she was afraid the paparazzi were dangerous. Don't worry, sweetheart, they're only after people who appear on talk show after talk show to talk about some freaky thing they've done lately...oh, wait. Bristol Palin, on the other hand, has lied to the media about wanting to marry the father of her son...TRIP!!!...only to come out now and say they actually called things off more than a month ago. She's a Palin, but this time, it's just not enough. And as much as I'd like to see Palin vs. Palin, we're gonna have to wait until next year.
Hotter Mess: Nadya Suleman

2. Angelina Jolie vs. 3. Ashlee Simpson-Wentz
So, Ashlee could easily be a good pick here because she's preparing to star in the "successful" relaunch of Melrose Place (fuck you, Hollywood)...or because she married Pete Wentz and completed the "Most Fucked-Up Looking Couple On The Planet"...or because she named her son BRONX MOWGLI! What the hell? Are they TRYING to get him beaten up? Oh, wait, I get it..it's kinda like a play on the urban jungle of New York, with the Bronx and Mowgli from the JungFUCK YOU! That's just a horrible thing to name your child. So, yeah, Ashlee's a great pick. But since I screwed you out of Palin vs. Palin, I owe you Suleman vs. Jolie.
Hotter Mess: Angelina Jolie

Wow, couple upsets up in here! So, here's how it looks:
Politics Championship: 1. Sarah Palin vs. 3. Patti Blagojevich
Skewed Reality Championship: 2. Lindsay Lohan vs. 4. Holly Madison
Entertainment Etc. Championship: 3. 90210 Girls vs. 4. Amy Winehouse
Oedipus Complex Championship: 1. Nadya Suleman vs. 2. Angelina Jolie

See you in the quarterfinals!
-B-