My Mom Would Be So Proud

...it's a good thing she doesn't read Thinking Hard.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from Thinking Hard and welcome to the show! Just think: many people are waking up in bed right now and can't wait to wish their moms a Happy Mother's Day...so they're leaving the basement, going to the kitchen and thanking mom for making waffles. Then mom is asking when they're going to get a real job and move out of the house. In an unrelated note, "Star Trek" opens this weekend.

Couple of new additions to the "Friends of the Show" section. The first is a ridiculously addictive Flash game (that you can pretty much play on any computer without downloading anything) called "Sneeze." It's making a resurgence because of the swoo (if you're just tuning in, the "swoo" is the shortened name for the "swine flu," more accurately known as the "H1N1."). Here's the premise: you're a sick person, put into ten different social situations. There are children, adults and elderly people wandering around and you have to launch ONE sneeze that's going to (via a disgusting "domino effect") infect a certain percentage of the populace. Things I've learned playing this game: the elderly hang out at the library all the time and children carry so many viruses, it's a wonder they don't have a reaction at the local pharmacy similar to that of a vampire at church.

The second new "Friend of the Show" was sent in by a viewer. It's called the "F My Life" blog, where people send in random stories (some VERY funny) about why their life sucks right now. They close every posting with FML. You can vote on each post by saying their life IS fucked and they didn't deserve what happened...or "You deserved that one." Judging by how brief most of these postings are, I'm thinking of calling it "Shitter."

Two big stories out of Chicago this week (sorry...they were the most interesting): police FINALLY arrested former police officer Drew Peterson in the murder of his third wife. Now, for those of you not following his countless appearances on the Today show, Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared more than a year and a half ago. His THIRD wife was found dead, hair bloody from a head injury, in an empty bathtub in 2004. Investigators originally called it a suicide (accidental drowning)...until Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared. Peterson and Wife #3 were about to finalize their divorce when the "accident" happened. Since Wife #4 disappeared, Peterson's been having an "engaged-again, off-again" relationship with a woman who clearly has NO IDEA WHO HE IS (and if things don't work out, I hear she's met another older man...an "Orenthal James Simpson." He sounds nice.). My FAVORITE part of the Peterson arrest is what he reportedly said while in handcuffs: "I guess I should have returned those library books." Investigators ruled that comment "accidental sarcasm."

Also out of Chicago, does anyone remember the 14-year-old boy who walked into the Chicago Police Department in January, posing as a new officer, and actually got to go ON PATROL for five hours before anyone noticed he wasn't a REAL COP? Last week, the boy, who's now 15, was arrested for a similar crime. This time, police say he dressed up in a suit and tie and went to a car dealership, asking to test-drive a car (by the way, NOT old enough to drive by himself). The salesman had to get tools from the office to jump-start the car (classy...or "qlaschee", as I prefer). When the salesman took the tools back to the office, police say the kid drove off with the car! Police tried pulling him over, but he got away...and crashed into a traffic light. Then police say he got out of the wrecked car, grabbed a stroller from a witness and started to walk away from the crash, trying to blend in with the crowd! Police finally caught him. The arresting officer was quoted as saying "Hey, you look a little like my ex-partner..."

Finally, for those of you who STILL don't have a gift for your mother, let the "Dick in a Box" boys from Saturday Night Live offer an idea:

FML...For Mom's Love.
-B-