A True Hot Mess

Now, you might think by the title of this blog that I'm planning to explore the controversy surrounding Miss California. But I'm not. I don't care. I've been waiting for WEEKS to see the story end...only to find out she'll be guest-spotting on Fox "News." Ah yes, if there's a media outlet (besides "Access Hollywood" and "The Insider") that just won't let an annoying story die, it's Fox.

No, who I'm referring to is Hottest Mess Tournament competitor (if you don't know what I mean, you REALLY should be reading this blog more often) Lindsay Lohan. A burglar broke into the Lohan Compound Tuesday afternoon. Police showed up and found the house ransacked, but nothing was stolen. Turns out, the mess in the home...was there BEFORE the burglar broke in. Yes, that's right...Lindsay Lohan's home is a HOT MESS. I bet the burglar got in, saw the mess and decided to bail...kinda like Samantha Ronson.

Speaking of Hottest Mess competitors, Sarah Palin is busting out a memoir. Yes, you read that right...the woman who doesn't even read a magazine or newspaper is going to do her best to string together a bunch of words and punctuation in an effort to sound like a normal human being (a little like how it works here at Thinking Hard). The book would be due out in 2010, which is the same year she's up for re-election as governor of Alaska. I hear she's calling it "Angels and Democrats."

Here's a great physical achievement...a guy from Maryland rode a bicycle 180 MILES to Pennsylvania! Holy crap! I could NOT do that. Let's see, I'm sure he was supporting some children's charity or something like that...mm-hmm...oh...*ahem* well, it appears 26-year-old William Wagner DID have children in mind when he biked to Pennsylvania...he rode there to sleep with a 15-year-old girl! He met the girl online...go figure. And if you think he's "qlaschee" (classy?) for not driving a car up there, wait until you hear where he slept at night...a baseball field. Apparently he was doing a little practicing of his own getting to first, second and third bases...before finally sliding into home.

Let's do lunch...here's a lesson for anyone working in an office. A worker in California cleaned out some REALLY old (we're talking MOLDY) food from the office refrigerator Tuesday. But the mixture of the nasty food and the cleaning chemicals created fumes noxious enough to make 28 people in the office sick! They even had to call the hazmat team! But the good samaritan who cleaned out the fridge didn't get sick. That person had allergies and couldn't smell a thing.

Ben & Jerry's is dedicating its new flavor of ice cream to the band Barenaked Ladies. They're naming it "If I Had A Million Flavors," after the band's popular hit "If I Had A Million Dollars." It's got vanilla, chocolate, almonds, peanut butter and chunks of chocolate. I hear "If I Had A Million Flavors" was the SECOND choice for the name of the ice cream...but the PR department couldn't figure out a way to market "Mmm...Is That Pot?" At least not without using Michael Phelps as a spokesman.

Speaking of barenaked, two concession workers really put the YELLOW in Yellowstone National Park this week. They were arrested for peeing into Old Faithful! They were caught on webcam urinating into the giant hole. That's not fair...I have to pay $3.95/minute to see two guys peeing into a giant hole.

In case you missed it, Will Ferrell hosted the season finale of Saturday Night Live this weekend...and starred in my favorite sketch:

I'll take "Laughing So Hard I Peed in Old Faithful" for $400, Alex.
-B-