Ever Have One Of "THOSE" Weeks?

Welcome back to Thinking Hard...or as I like to refer to it, my only release from homicidal tendencies.

Speaking of causing people physical harm, remember a few blogs ago when MSNBC's Keith Olbermann challenged Fox's Sean Hannity to be waterboarded for charity? Well, that offer is officially off the table. Instead, Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller took the challenge. Muller's been a contributor to the Fox News Channel and very vocal in his opinion that waterboarding is not torture. But earlier this month, he changed his tune. He got waterboarded in his studio. "I was laughing about this, that it was a stupid radio thing," Muller said. "I thought I could go 30 seconds. I'll hold my breath. Big deal, they'll sprinkle water. It is a big deal. It's torture." Muller even said it was WORSE than drowning, something he also knows about as he almost drowned as a child. Olbermann will give $10,000 to Veterans of Valor, an organization formed by Iraq War veteran Klay South to help injured veterans. Y'know, let me say "Good job!" to Mancow for stepping up to the plate. The guy probably did it in the first place because of his ego, but to have him vocally come out and talk about how bad waterboarding is shows class. Now he can go back to prank phone calls and naked celebrities in his studio.

While we're on the subject of waterboarding, President Obama is having some "Git-Mo' Money Blues." He's pushing to close Guantanamo Bay, but Congress is having trouble deciding if he should get the money to do so AND where the prisoners of war (hmmm...why do I suddenly think of John McCain?) would go when the detention facility closes. There's no congressman (or congresswoman) who wants the prisoners in their state. Really? You'll lock up AMERICAN-MADE bombers and cannibals, but the prospect of FOREIGN criminals makes you nervous? How about we just ask Senator Burris, from the President's home state of Illinois. Oh, wait...

Yeah, it turns out wiretap information out this week shows Burris DID talk to former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich about a possible financial deal for Obama's Senate seat. But he was concerned about how it would look in the public eye. I wonder if Blago turned into a Sham-Wow pitchman with Burris: "Listen, you're gonna spend 20-grand a month on cover-ups anyway..."

While Blago deals with that problem stateside, his wife has DIFFERENT concerns. That's right, Patti Blagojevich starts her epic run on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" tomorrow night. Surrounded by people like Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Janice Dickinson and Heidi and Spencer Pratt...Patti seems like the sanest one of the bunch.

Also, as long as I'm talking about reality show train-wrecks, let me talk briefly about Jon and Kate of "Jon & Kate plus a divorce attorney"...I mean, "plus 8." Monday night was the season premiere of the show, and after a spring of tabloid headlines suggesting BOTH Jon and Kate are having affairs, almost TEN MILLION people tuned in for the show! Holy f*ck! Many of the confessional interviews with the couple took place separately on that couch they're always sitting on. And neither one of them could stop their passive-agressive bitching at one another! Listen, if I want passive-agressive bitching, I'LL get married and irresponsibly breed a small third-world nation. Also, investigators are looking into violation of child-labor laws on the show, with regard to the 8 midget co-stars. Says Jon, "Investigation? I can't even tell them apart!"...seriously, you two idiots are poster children for abstinence. And not getting married. People arguing against GAY marriage, take note: if you hate the gays so much, why deprive them of this pain by denying them marriage?

Thinking Hard is giving out a special award today. The "City With The Grossest Workout Routine" award goes to...Oklahoma City. Competitors in a triathlon mid-May got sick after the race. Not because they ran/biked/swam so hard, but because of WHAT they swam in. See, the organizers thought it was BRILLIANT to have the athletes swim in the Oklahoma River. Problem is: the Oklahoma River has a fecal coliform problem. Yeah, there's a LOT of shit in Oklahoma, but apparently a good chunk of it is in the water. The "healthy" county of fecal coliform bacteria in any water in Oklahoma is determined as a 126-count per 100 milliliters of water. The water in the river the day before the race? 573! Man, I bet all of those athletes are just pooped out...

Any Ferris Bueller fans in the house? Bueller? Bueller? Well, if you are and have a chunk of money burning a hole in your wallet (and who doesn't in THIS economy), take note. The house where Cameron killed his dad's ferrari is up for sale. You know the scene: after a comical "Day Off," Cameron tries to turn the car's odometer back by running it in reverse on rollers. But hijinks ensue and Cameron accidentally knocks the car out the window and down a very steep drop. Then Cameron learns something about himselfblahblahblah... Anyway, you wanna buy a house? It's going to set you back $2.3 million. That house also marks the last place Matthew Broderick was a heterosexual...until he traded off for bestiality. OH COME ON! SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S A HORSE! In a recent interview, someone asked her if she loved Broderick...and she clopped one hoof for "Yes."

Let's wrap this up with a little music. Thinking Hard intern Katie sent me this Youtube link and suggested that I was the person in the newsroom background midway through the clip (strange that the makers of this music video used my newsroom). Upon close examination and a conversation with Mr. Zapruder, we realized the producer in the background is none other than Thinking Hard fanatic STEVE HASS! (Update: apparently this IS me...sorry, Steve) Enjoy:

-B-