Baby, It's F*&KING COLD OUTSIDE!!!

Seriously, stupid cold weather in the southeast this weekend. Which is awesome, considering we had tornadoes and flash floods to worry about LAST weekend...and now we're below freezing with sheets of ice all over the roads. Apparently, I've upset Mother Nature...and I dedicate this week's Thinking Hard to her.

In fact, I've already gotten Mother Nature a gift...the new iPad from Apple! First off, it does NOT do what MadTV envisioned four years ago:



It DOES, however, allow you to check email, play games, use applications, read and more on a ten-inch screen. You're going to pay hundreds of dollars for the unit alone PLUS about a hundred bucks more a year for WiFi or 3G coverage...all in a not-so-pocketable (unless you're Paul Bunyan or the Jolly Green Giant) version of the iPod or iPhone you already own. In fact, Apple, I already have your ad slogan: "iPad: like an iPhone, but Maxi-sized."

Hey, big political speech this week about how the nation is doing. Let's check in with Jon Stewart (watch for Supreme Court Justice Samuel "Slammin' Sammy" Alito, shaking his head and saying "Definitely not true" when Obama criticizes the high court...at least he didn't shout "You lie!"):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Speech Therapy
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Wait, there's more...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Speech Therapy - Post-Racial
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Ah, "@fingerbanger69"...my nickname in college.

...sorry, I drifted for a second. I forgot I was white for a moment. Hey, you know what state likes rich white folk and hates the underprivileged (but REALLY loves its horses)? South Carolina:

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Thank You, South Carolina - Andre Bauer
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Speaking of people who do and say crazy things, the "Reverend" Pat Robertson said some pretty disturbing stuff about the Haiti earthquake a few weeks ago, saying the Haitians deserved to be struck by a quake. Now, just in time for your loved one this Valentine's Day, Pat Robertson's Greatest Hits!

Here's a good news/bad news situation for the children of the world. You know the whole bit: the children are our future, teach them, offer them guidance, etc. Well, a 16-year-old girl is traveling around the world in a pretty small boat to break the "youngest to waste a month or so at sea" record set by some 17-year-old kid, who beat the record set by her 17-year-old brother. It's kinda like a "defending the family honor" thing. She and her parents are blogging about the trip, so I've added it to the Friends of the Show. Now the bad news: Schools in a Texas county briefly pulled a book from their shelves because of some naughty material. The book was...let's see...ah, here it is...THE DICTIONARY! Apparently, students were looking in it for WORDS! To be fair, they were looking up terms associated with oral sex, but COME ON! I did that all the time in school! It's a juvenile thing! It's not like I was going to go out and ask a girl for a fellatio! The dictionary's been put back on the shelves, which is great, because I think every child should know what a "blimpkin" is.

Hey, still looking for that perfect Valentine's gift because your lover doesn't like Pat Robertson? How about something special that no one's EVER thought of before? Something specifically designed with your mate in mind? And if you need people to help you, just do like this guy from Cincinnati did and take out an ad on Craigslist:

Where to start, my wife got kicked by a horse last june and shes doing well. She is 5'3", 125 lbs, and looks like the progressive commercials lady.
Need a group of 6-8 guys, 18-31, no latinos to help her live out her ultimate alien abduction fantasy. MUST HAVE CPR TRAINING. masks and tools will be provided, DO NOT BRING YOUR OWN. She is easily frightened of new things and lights and has a heart condition.
I wont be participating in all of this, just watching.

Email with the sujbect line "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS", and include a description of yourself, and what you like on your pizza.

God bless.

Y'know what's REALLY sad? The weirdest part of that ad for me is the line "God bless."

Some people DON'T like surprises. Like this rapist in Athens, Georgia, this week. He started following a 17-year-old girl Monday evening. He caught up to her and dragged her into some woods where he found out the hard way that it was a boy dressed as a girl! What do you say at that point? "Oh...ah....awkwaaaarrddd."

It occurred to me that many times, this blog is focused on younger readers and couples. Like our Valentine's shopping guide...mostly centered around younger people. At the request of absolutely nobody, we went ahead and did some browsing for gifts for the...um...OLDER crowd. It's hard to find gifts that don't somehow involve popping a little blue pill, but we DID find this:



Mother Nature, in the words of President Obama...F*^k You!
-B-

Love Is In The Air (And The Paternity Test)

John Edwards...you ARE the father! (By the way, the National Enquirer plans to enter its scoop of the Edwards affair/baby/clusterfuck in the running for a PULITZER PRIZE. Really? If the Enquirer wins a Pulitzer, I'm moving to Haiti.)

In other news that's not really news because practically EVERYONE knew it, Conan O'Brien's last Tonight Show was Friday night. What WAS surprising was his heartfelt goodbye...and his comments about his career at NBC:



("I don't want to do it in a 7-Eleven parking lot"...one of the last things said to John Edwards before conceiving Quinn Hunter) Also, as part of the $45M agreement, Conan can't talk shit about NBC. Here's hoping Conan lands on his feet somewhere soon! I wonder if Jay Leno's ratings suck on Tonight Show...will NBC put in the detectives of New York's Special Victims Unit as the new hosts in 7 months? I can imagine the new show's theme song will be "DUN-DUN!" Actually, the asian news station that so brilliantly re-enacted the Tiger Woods crash found a way to dumb-down the late-night battle...for comic book fans:



Big political news this week...a republican won the Massachusetts senate seat, pretty much ensuring the Obama health care reform bill won't pass. That's right...the democrats managed to do nothing with their supermajority. Jon Stewart covered the election before the results were in and had a special message for the democrats:

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Mass Backwards
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I wonder if I bought a truck, I'D be elected to Congress... Judging by his acceptance speech, I think I know what Brown's first act in office will be:



That's right, nothing screams "I'm a great family man" like pimping out your daughters during your election victory speech.

Y'know, while we're on the subject of politics, Meghan McCain is STILL growing on me. She and her mom, Cindy, posed for pictures SUPPORTING gay marriage. I will repeat this...the wife and daughter of JOHN MCCAIN are SUPPORTING gay marriage. Mr. McCain, however, still believes only a man and woman are allowed to be miserable for the rest of their lives.

Speaking of love, Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and it's our effort here at Thinking Hard to provide you with great shopping ideas for that hard-to-shop-for mate. I saw this great device...have you ever been out walking the dog and your cell phone dies? Of course! No one likes to be away from their Twitter accounts for more than five minutes at a time (the world might end...how would you know, aside from the incessant howling from your dog as the two of you burn to a crisp?). How about a solar power vest for your dog that charges your phone?:



(I thought I'd seen it all with the sex robot...) And for those of you fellas out there with ladies who embrace their inner geeks with a video game here or there, you'll give your lady the romantic message of what YOU want to do on Valentine's Day with THIS great fashion statement:



The message? "I want to invade your pants." Which is the last thing John Edwards said to Rielle Hunter before pulling into that 7-Eleven. I WANT A PULITZER!

-B-

The Stings of Late Night

Okay, just want to get a quick shout-out there about a big news story that broke this week, one that has leaders searching for millions of dollars to help in the devastation...I'm talking about a big change here at Thinking Hard. Andy's ratings are down, so the owners have asked me to start my end of Thinking Hard a half-hour later.

(Though, seriously, help Haiti. Donate a dollar or 5 or 10...they really need help down there.)

It's been hard NOT to follow the Conan O'Brien/Jay Leno saga in the past several days. If you haven't been following it, Leno apparently agreed to step aside from The Tonight Show a few years ago and agreed that Conan was a good choice for his replacement. Then, in a classic Brett Favre/Michael Jordan move, Leno ended up coming BACK to NBC for an "Early Tonight Show" before your late local news. No one tuned in...therefore, no one watched your late local news...therefore, no one stayed up for Conan...and, of course, NBC blames Conan's ratings, not Jay's. Here, tell you what, Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers has a great analogy, which, by the way, was noticeably absent from the SNL vids on NBC's website:



It sounds like the deal's gonna be somewhere in the ballpark of $30M. Y'know, I feel for Conan. He's been held accountable for shitty ratings on someone else's show. He can't help it if Leno tanked in his new time slot. Even NBC stations around the country were upset within weeks of the new show because THEIR ratings fell! No wonder Conan's so adamant about not moving to 12:05am ET. He got sold a bill of goods. Now, after Conan spoke out AGAINST NBC, Dick Ebersol, the guy in charge of NBC Sports, came out and said what it all amounts to is "an astounding failure by Conan." Thanks, Dick. Whatever drowns out the sound of your voice at that same press conference saying NBC is going to LOSE MONEY on the Winter Olympics IN FEBRUARY SWEEPS! Clearly, you are a brilliant man and no one should question your decision-making. Ass. Fittingly, Jimmy Kimmel said it best to Jay when he appeared last week on the "Early Tonight Show" via satellite: Jay, you have $800 million...leave the other hosts alone. NBC, you SHOULD be worried about losing a major talent...but you picked the wrong one. The one leaving with his stuff in a box? He has PLENTY more years left than the "frosty one" still haunting your studios.

Let's shift gears. First, I'm appalled that a supposed "man of the cloth"...Pat Robertson...can say the people of Haiti DESERVE the earthquake that has destroyed their lives. But let's be serious...he said it on the 700 Club, which has about as many viewers as Leno, so who's really watching? But speaking of people putting their feet in their mouths, let's take a look at what Rod Blagojevich has been saying:
(editor's note: the Daily Show link is experiencing an error...I'm sure it will be fixed if you come back, but let me paraphrase...in an interview with Esquire magazine, Blago says he's blacker than Obama, partly because his father shined shoes and his family lived in a crappy apartment)

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Fright Club
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Blago's response?



(For those of you playing the home version of our game, that's 5 "Stupids" out of Blago's mouth in 30 seconds...a rate of 1 every 6 seconds.) I particularly enjoyed that clip because it came from Fox. Fox News: Where We Wish Blagojevich Would Use The Phrase "I'm Blacker Than Barack" More Often Than The Word "Stupid."

While we're on the subject of stupid things on Fox News...wait for it...Sarah Palin debuted as a commentator this week (though, the network execs had to explain that they were in no way referring to her looking like a giant baked potato...but she apparently had no problem with being referred to as a COMMON Tater). She appeared days after a 60 Minutes piece with a former campaign strategist for John McCain. The strategist said Palin believed it was "God's plan" that she be chosen as a running mate for McCain (because THAT worked out divinely for her). Hey, Sarah, let me help you...if God hated people that much, you'd have been chosen to run for president of Haiti. So, Palin showed up on Bill O'Reilly's show (and boosted his ratings) and said she had been advised NOT TO WATCH THE SEGMENT. Again, Sarah, some advice...NOT being familiar with the news is part of what cost you in 2008. Another part was not even walking past the tabloid newspaper rack. ("Alex, I'll take 'Magazines' for $200." "Alright, the answer is 'The name of a magazine.'"--that's the last time Sarah Palin was invited for Celebrity Jeopardy) She also spoke out against the book "Game Change," a behind-the-scenes look from one perspective inside the '08 election. The book insinuates that Palin is...um...what's the word I'm looking for...ah...dumb. The author said Palin didn't understand why North and South Korea were two different countries. That explains why she thought there were only 47 states ("I'd like to give a shout to my homies on the north side of Dakota...a "what, what" to all the sistas in the hoods in Carolina's south side...and a "Holla!" to my crew in Virginia: West-sayide! Represent!").

As I'm writing this in my broxers (that's for you, Holly), I'm trying to decide what to do next. My buddies just invited me to play a marathon of video games for no apparent reason. I hope it doesn't end up like what happened in China. A guy played a video game for 96 STRAIGHT HOURS!!! That's FOUR DAYS with no sleep! And, no surprise, this guy's now having major vision issues...as in HE CAN'T SEE! Figures. My mom always told me if I played with my joystick too long, I'd go blind.

While we're melding tech and sex (soon to be coined as "TEX"), a New Jersey company has developed the world's FIRST sex robot. Ah, yes, it had to happen. A robot, built solely to satisfy my every casual and unusual sexual whim, with no guilt whatso...wait, she WHAT??? At the Adult Entertainment Expo (buy your tickets now for next year), her creator grabbed her hand and she said "I love holding hands with you." Wait, WHAT?!?! That is NOT what I want my sex robot to say! She should be saying things like "I was hoping to hold something else" or something erotic like that! Well, at least I can assume she's HOT since she's a creation...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!:



Y'know, in all of those personalities the creator suggested, I didn't hear ANYTHING about "Coyote Ugly." You want to hear something touching? The creator decided to make the robot after promising to recreate a friend he lost in 9/11. What...the...fuck??? (By the way, truly one of the creepiest things I have EVER posted in this blog...I think she qualifies to compete in the Hottest Mess Tournament in March.)

Let's wrap this up. A Canadian newspaper is wisely deciding to change its name. The fur trading magazine is called "The Beaver." I imagine it was popular on Google. Anyway, I can understand the confusion and embarassment. It must be a relatively new paper. Let's see, it was created in...1920??? And they're just NOW changing it??? What, did someone JUST tell them the joke? Well, they're totally scrapping the magazine because no one trades fur anymore. Instead, they're getting into the aviation publication industry, because, hey, everyone likes to fly. They're calling their new magazine "The Landing Strip."

-B-

Cialis...For Those Moments When An Underwear Bomb Burns Off Your Penis

Welcome, readers, to what we here at Thinking Hard like to call "The Party." Hope you all got your invites, because there's not much more embarrassing than throwing a party and forgetting to invite people. Well, that and calling someone at the party by the wrong name.

Hey, not sure if you heard, but Kanye West is Mariah Carey's AA sponsor. That would explain why she picked the most INOPPORTUNE time to get hammered...before a movie awards ceremony last weekend...where SHE WON! If you haven't seen the acceptance speech in its entirety, it's "Precious":



Mariah later came up during Nicole Kidman's acceptance speech and said "Yo, Nicole, I'm-a gonna let you finish in a second, but MARIAH CAREY HAD THE GREATEST MOVIE PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME!" Keep it classy, Mariah. You'll be on Celebrity Rehab in no time.

Speaking of awkward moments involving musicians, you remember the big Adam Lambert controversy a few weeks ago, where he grinded (ground?) a male dancer's face into his crotch during a performance on the American Music Awards on ABC? The Smoking Gun website got its sneaky little hands on some of the actual complaints filed by actual people who actually have nothing better to do with their time than bitch (what were you expecting from a music awards show??? SOBER PEOPLE???). Many people said it was worse than Janet Jackson's nip-slip during the Super Bowl a few years back (I think more men were pleased with THAT performance). One person was upset that Lambert was flaunting his "lesbian rights." Another person didn't have a problem with the grinding, but said "Lambert must no longer be allowed within 200 meters of a microphone." My personal favorite is the person who said "I was tempted to break a window, and then use a piece of glass to slash my throat." Oh, come ON! If ANYONE'S going to enjoy Lambert's performance, it's certainly a drama QUEEN like that!

Speaking of having something explosive in your underwear,...uh....hm....awkward...

How about that underwear bomber from Christmas Day, huh? Yeah, he's been arrested, indicted and arraigned. That said, why wasn't the attempted attack by (much credit to Saturday Night Live) Wile E. Qaida caught ahead of time?:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Terror 2.0 by Yemen
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Seriously, the federal government missing this guy was about as likely as someone trying to attack the Pope at Christmas mass one year, security stopping her, and then she successfully pulls it off NEXT Christmas! What are the odds of that happe...oh. So, now, what's the future for civil rights of air passengers around the world:

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So, it appears the government's New Year's Resolution will be to be more dilligent in protecting Americans flying on planes. Perhaps they'd ALSO like to consider losing a little weight. I have the perfect diet plan:



Really?
-B-

Auld Lang Syne Language

Happy 2010!!! The decade of the "Aught" is over! No more "I really AUGHT to clean my den" or "I AUGHT to stab at least two of my co-workers right in the eye." No, this is the decade when we make shit happen! Woo-Hoo! (On an unrelated note, next week's Thinking Hard will be filmed on location in the Mecklenburg County Detention Center)

I have here in a sealed envelope the the top non-football cable program of the 2009. Now, viewers had a LOT to choose from, including the season premiere and finale of Mad Men (really, I can't recommend that show enough...it might sound lame, but it's pretty enthralling once you start watching) and the series finale of the highly-acclaimed USA Network mystery program Monk. Let's give the envelope an open and see which show...you have got to be fucking kidding me. The "Break-up Episode" of "Eight Almost Isn't Enough"...er, "Jon and Kate Start a Nike Shoe Factory in North Korea"...er, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was the MOST WATCHED NON-FOOTBALL CABLE PROGRAM OF 2009?! Appalling. Though, truth be told, the media have absolutely fell in LOVE with this couple falling out of love this year. Kate played martyr and the guy we had sympathy for during the show became the douchebag. And the only thing that pulled our attention away from the endless string of pot-smoking chicks without clean underwear that Jon Gosselin hooked up with was that other a-hole who could keep his club in his bag, Tiger Woods. Yes, while many people will tout the endless availability of QUALITY PROGRAMMING on cable TV (specifically on the USA Network), it's nice to know that America will ignore it for 30 minutes of being able to watch someone ELSE'S marriage fall apart...so they can feel better about their own. Keep it classy, America. In unrelated news (and I'm not making this up either), Fox News was the most watched cable news network in 2009.

While we're on the subject of people who should NEVER have procreated, let me take a quick moment to ask America this question...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELVES??? I was at a mall today and witnessed what appeared to be a father and a mother pulling on a child in opposite directions. In fact, neither one of them would let go and mall security had to be called in to break it all up. Really? Should you two people REALLY have been allowed to have a child??? I constantly see families who CLEARLY should not be raising the future of America. That's why I'm asking Congress to begin a maternity test and a paternity test. No, they won't be the types of tests that are followed with the result: "You ARE NOT the father!" Yes, I'm asking lawmakers to put Maury Povich out of a job. Give potential mothers and fathers a simple psychological-emotional-spelling test BEFORE they have children. Require them to have a permit before they can conceive. C'mon, it's not any more ridiculous than the bickering over a health care plan that REALLY should be in place by now.

So let's start the new year right. Let's slap the idiots around that deserve to be slapped. And that includes many of the twits on Twitter. It's no secret that I think people who have the time to spend in front of a computer reading 160-character "tweets" all day really could be doing something more productive, like writing stories for newscasts. But a website called "The Oatmeal" put together a list of the top ten things you should STOP tweeting about. And I agree with it:

1. What you are eating
2. Social media
3. The conference or event you're at
4. Twitter itself
5. Your workout
6. Your child, dog, cat, goat or whatever else
7. Any tweeted statement that is out of context
8. Dailybooth photos (Dailybooth is apparently a website where you can take daily photos of yourself and talk about them...think the "I don't care if you don't care" attitude of Twitter plus "Does this webcam make me look fat?")
9. Emotional Breakthroughs
10. The number of followers you have

And, seriously, if you have enough time to use Twitter, you have enough time to use Facebook or Myspace, and if you have enough time for that, you have enough time to email, and if you have enough time to email, you have enough time to pick up a damn phone and talk to someone like a normal fucking human being!

(*ahem* Actually, as I see more of The Oatmeal, which is operated by one guy, I enjoy it, so find it now in the Friends of the Show section.)

It's no surprise, then, that the college in Michigan that comes up with the list of words that should be banned from the english language included "Tweet" this year. That includes ALL words associated with "tweet," "twitter," or any other form therein. Also making the list: "Czar." You know, with all the czars that President Obama has appointed, there almost needs to be someone to oversee them all. A Czar Czar, perhaps. The list includes "sexting," which I'm sick of hearing about...but certainly not sick of reading about on my cell phone. Seriously, why won't anybody sext me back? The ban would also include the use of the word "friend" as a verb. Intern Jessica, I'm looking at you...as in "Why won't you friend me???" Also making the list...any fake word using "Obama" as a base, like Obamanomics, Obamania, Obamananarama, etc. Finally, the list includes some of the douchiest things I've ever heard, like "Bromance" and "Chillaxin'." I think if the school had the opportunity, it would ban MTV on principle. (I think the word "Snooki" will be on next year's list...along with "Jersey" and "Shore")

So, I'm going to wrap this up with what I think will happen in 2010:

1. Major transportation crash (plane, train, monorail, etc.)
2. Four more "I hate America" recorded messages from Osama bin Laden...and one "I miss you" card on Valentine's Day
3. A major celebrity couple will get divorced, possibly after a scandal
4. A major celebrity scandal will pop up
5. At least three celebrities you HAVE heard of will pass away...along with another TWENTY you have never heard of
6. America will win at least 10 gold medals at the Winter Olympics...but will NOT be the winningest country at the games
7. A major free community website will either go belly-up or will being charging for its service
8. A new or remodeled version of the iPod
9. News will come out that at least one bank has been squandering its bailout money
10. President Obama will burn down at least one bank for the insurance money
11. Cars will fly

I'm REALLY hoping for that last one. I'm tired of dealing with other drivers...who are arguing with their spouses about their children. Can't we all just chillax?

Happy 2010!
-B-