The Stings of Late Night

Okay, just want to get a quick shout-out there about a big news story that broke this week, one that has leaders searching for millions of dollars to help in the devastation...I'm talking about a big change here at Thinking Hard. Andy's ratings are down, so the owners have asked me to start my end of Thinking Hard a half-hour later.

(Though, seriously, help Haiti. Donate a dollar or 5 or 10...they really need help down there.)

It's been hard NOT to follow the Conan O'Brien/Jay Leno saga in the past several days. If you haven't been following it, Leno apparently agreed to step aside from The Tonight Show a few years ago and agreed that Conan was a good choice for his replacement. Then, in a classic Brett Favre/Michael Jordan move, Leno ended up coming BACK to NBC for an "Early Tonight Show" before your late local news. No one tuned in...therefore, no one watched your late local news...therefore, no one stayed up for Conan...and, of course, NBC blames Conan's ratings, not Jay's. Here, tell you what, Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers has a great analogy, which, by the way, was noticeably absent from the SNL vids on NBC's website:



It sounds like the deal's gonna be somewhere in the ballpark of $30M. Y'know, I feel for Conan. He's been held accountable for shitty ratings on someone else's show. He can't help it if Leno tanked in his new time slot. Even NBC stations around the country were upset within weeks of the new show because THEIR ratings fell! No wonder Conan's so adamant about not moving to 12:05am ET. He got sold a bill of goods. Now, after Conan spoke out AGAINST NBC, Dick Ebersol, the guy in charge of NBC Sports, came out and said what it all amounts to is "an astounding failure by Conan." Thanks, Dick. Whatever drowns out the sound of your voice at that same press conference saying NBC is going to LOSE MONEY on the Winter Olympics IN FEBRUARY SWEEPS! Clearly, you are a brilliant man and no one should question your decision-making. Ass. Fittingly, Jimmy Kimmel said it best to Jay when he appeared last week on the "Early Tonight Show" via satellite: Jay, you have $800 million...leave the other hosts alone. NBC, you SHOULD be worried about losing a major talent...but you picked the wrong one. The one leaving with his stuff in a box? He has PLENTY more years left than the "frosty one" still haunting your studios.

Let's shift gears. First, I'm appalled that a supposed "man of the cloth"...Pat Robertson...can say the people of Haiti DESERVE the earthquake that has destroyed their lives. But let's be serious...he said it on the 700 Club, which has about as many viewers as Leno, so who's really watching? But speaking of people putting their feet in their mouths, let's take a look at what Rod Blagojevich has been saying:
(editor's note: the Daily Show link is experiencing an error...I'm sure it will be fixed if you come back, but let me paraphrase...in an interview with Esquire magazine, Blago says he's blacker than Obama, partly because his father shined shoes and his family lived in a crappy apartment)

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Blago's response?



(For those of you playing the home version of our game, that's 5 "Stupids" out of Blago's mouth in 30 seconds...a rate of 1 every 6 seconds.) I particularly enjoyed that clip because it came from Fox. Fox News: Where We Wish Blagojevich Would Use The Phrase "I'm Blacker Than Barack" More Often Than The Word "Stupid."

While we're on the subject of stupid things on Fox News...wait for it...Sarah Palin debuted as a commentator this week (though, the network execs had to explain that they were in no way referring to her looking like a giant baked potato...but she apparently had no problem with being referred to as a COMMON Tater). She appeared days after a 60 Minutes piece with a former campaign strategist for John McCain. The strategist said Palin believed it was "God's plan" that she be chosen as a running mate for McCain (because THAT worked out divinely for her). Hey, Sarah, let me help you...if God hated people that much, you'd have been chosen to run for president of Haiti. So, Palin showed up on Bill O'Reilly's show (and boosted his ratings) and said she had been advised NOT TO WATCH THE SEGMENT. Again, Sarah, some advice...NOT being familiar with the news is part of what cost you in 2008. Another part was not even walking past the tabloid newspaper rack. ("Alex, I'll take 'Magazines' for $200." "Alright, the answer is 'The name of a magazine.'"--that's the last time Sarah Palin was invited for Celebrity Jeopardy) She also spoke out against the book "Game Change," a behind-the-scenes look from one perspective inside the '08 election. The book insinuates that Palin is...um...what's the word I'm looking for...ah...dumb. The author said Palin didn't understand why North and South Korea were two different countries. That explains why she thought there were only 47 states ("I'd like to give a shout to my homies on the north side of Dakota...a "what, what" to all the sistas in the hoods in Carolina's south side...and a "Holla!" to my crew in Virginia: West-sayide! Represent!").

As I'm writing this in my broxers (that's for you, Holly), I'm trying to decide what to do next. My buddies just invited me to play a marathon of video games for no apparent reason. I hope it doesn't end up like what happened in China. A guy played a video game for 96 STRAIGHT HOURS!!! That's FOUR DAYS with no sleep! And, no surprise, this guy's now having major vision issues...as in HE CAN'T SEE! Figures. My mom always told me if I played with my joystick too long, I'd go blind.

While we're melding tech and sex (soon to be coined as "TEX"), a New Jersey company has developed the world's FIRST sex robot. Ah, yes, it had to happen. A robot, built solely to satisfy my every casual and unusual sexual whim, with no guilt whatso...wait, she WHAT??? At the Adult Entertainment Expo (buy your tickets now for next year), her creator grabbed her hand and she said "I love holding hands with you." Wait, WHAT?!?! That is NOT what I want my sex robot to say! She should be saying things like "I was hoping to hold something else" or something erotic like that! Well, at least I can assume she's HOT since she's a creation...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!:



Y'know, in all of those personalities the creator suggested, I didn't hear ANYTHING about "Coyote Ugly." You want to hear something touching? The creator decided to make the robot after promising to recreate a friend he lost in 9/11. What...the...fuck??? (By the way, truly one of the creepiest things I have EVER posted in this blog...I think she qualifies to compete in the Hottest Mess Tournament in March.)

Let's wrap this up. A Canadian newspaper is wisely deciding to change its name. The fur trading magazine is called "The Beaver." I imagine it was popular on Google. Anyway, I can understand the confusion and embarassment. It must be a relatively new paper. Let's see, it was created in...1920??? And they're just NOW changing it??? What, did someone JUST tell them the joke? Well, they're totally scrapping the magazine because no one trades fur anymore. Instead, they're getting into the aviation publication industry, because, hey, everyone likes to fly. They're calling their new magazine "The Landing Strip."

-B-