Auld Lang Syne Language

Happy 2010!!! The decade of the "Aught" is over! No more "I really AUGHT to clean my den" or "I AUGHT to stab at least two of my co-workers right in the eye." No, this is the decade when we make shit happen! Woo-Hoo! (On an unrelated note, next week's Thinking Hard will be filmed on location in the Mecklenburg County Detention Center)

I have here in a sealed envelope the the top non-football cable program of the 2009. Now, viewers had a LOT to choose from, including the season premiere and finale of Mad Men (really, I can't recommend that show enough...it might sound lame, but it's pretty enthralling once you start watching) and the series finale of the highly-acclaimed USA Network mystery program Monk. Let's give the envelope an open and see which show...you have got to be fucking kidding me. The "Break-up Episode" of "Eight Almost Isn't Enough"...er, "Jon and Kate Start a Nike Shoe Factory in North Korea"...er, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was the MOST WATCHED NON-FOOTBALL CABLE PROGRAM OF 2009?! Appalling. Though, truth be told, the media have absolutely fell in LOVE with this couple falling out of love this year. Kate played martyr and the guy we had sympathy for during the show became the douchebag. And the only thing that pulled our attention away from the endless string of pot-smoking chicks without clean underwear that Jon Gosselin hooked up with was that other a-hole who could keep his club in his bag, Tiger Woods. Yes, while many people will tout the endless availability of QUALITY PROGRAMMING on cable TV (specifically on the USA Network), it's nice to know that America will ignore it for 30 minutes of being able to watch someone ELSE'S marriage fall apart...so they can feel better about their own. Keep it classy, America. In unrelated news (and I'm not making this up either), Fox News was the most watched cable news network in 2009.

While we're on the subject of people who should NEVER have procreated, let me take a quick moment to ask America this question...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELVES??? I was at a mall today and witnessed what appeared to be a father and a mother pulling on a child in opposite directions. In fact, neither one of them would let go and mall security had to be called in to break it all up. Really? Should you two people REALLY have been allowed to have a child??? I constantly see families who CLEARLY should not be raising the future of America. That's why I'm asking Congress to begin a maternity test and a paternity test. No, they won't be the types of tests that are followed with the result: "You ARE NOT the father!" Yes, I'm asking lawmakers to put Maury Povich out of a job. Give potential mothers and fathers a simple psychological-emotional-spelling test BEFORE they have children. Require them to have a permit before they can conceive. C'mon, it's not any more ridiculous than the bickering over a health care plan that REALLY should be in place by now.

So let's start the new year right. Let's slap the idiots around that deserve to be slapped. And that includes many of the twits on Twitter. It's no secret that I think people who have the time to spend in front of a computer reading 160-character "tweets" all day really could be doing something more productive, like writing stories for newscasts. But a website called "The Oatmeal" put together a list of the top ten things you should STOP tweeting about. And I agree with it:

1. What you are eating
2. Social media
3. The conference or event you're at
4. Twitter itself
5. Your workout
6. Your child, dog, cat, goat or whatever else
7. Any tweeted statement that is out of context
8. Dailybooth photos (Dailybooth is apparently a website where you can take daily photos of yourself and talk about them...think the "I don't care if you don't care" attitude of Twitter plus "Does this webcam make me look fat?")
9. Emotional Breakthroughs
10. The number of followers you have

And, seriously, if you have enough time to use Twitter, you have enough time to use Facebook or Myspace, and if you have enough time for that, you have enough time to email, and if you have enough time to email, you have enough time to pick up a damn phone and talk to someone like a normal fucking human being!

(*ahem* Actually, as I see more of The Oatmeal, which is operated by one guy, I enjoy it, so find it now in the Friends of the Show section.)

It's no surprise, then, that the college in Michigan that comes up with the list of words that should be banned from the english language included "Tweet" this year. That includes ALL words associated with "tweet," "twitter," or any other form therein. Also making the list: "Czar." You know, with all the czars that President Obama has appointed, there almost needs to be someone to oversee them all. A Czar Czar, perhaps. The list includes "sexting," which I'm sick of hearing about...but certainly not sick of reading about on my cell phone. Seriously, why won't anybody sext me back? The ban would also include the use of the word "friend" as a verb. Intern Jessica, I'm looking at you...as in "Why won't you friend me???" Also making the list...any fake word using "Obama" as a base, like Obamanomics, Obamania, Obamananarama, etc. Finally, the list includes some of the douchiest things I've ever heard, like "Bromance" and "Chillaxin'." I think if the school had the opportunity, it would ban MTV on principle. (I think the word "Snooki" will be on next year's list...along with "Jersey" and "Shore")

So, I'm going to wrap this up with what I think will happen in 2010:

1. Major transportation crash (plane, train, monorail, etc.)
2. Four more "I hate America" recorded messages from Osama bin Laden...and one "I miss you" card on Valentine's Day
3. A major celebrity couple will get divorced, possibly after a scandal
4. A major celebrity scandal will pop up
5. At least three celebrities you HAVE heard of will pass away...along with another TWENTY you have never heard of
6. America will win at least 10 gold medals at the Winter Olympics...but will NOT be the winningest country at the games
7. A major free community website will either go belly-up or will being charging for its service
8. A new or remodeled version of the iPod
9. News will come out that at least one bank has been squandering its bailout money
10. President Obama will burn down at least one bank for the insurance money
11. Cars will fly

I'm REALLY hoping for that last one. I'm tired of dealing with other drivers...who are arguing with their spouses about their children. Can't we all just chillax?

Happy 2010!
-B-