In fact, I've already gotten Mother Nature a gift...the new iPad from Apple! First off, it does NOT do what MadTV envisioned four years ago:
It DOES, however, allow you to check email, play games, use applications, read and more on a ten-inch screen. You're going to pay hundreds of dollars for the unit alone PLUS about a hundred bucks more a year for WiFi or 3G coverage...all in a not-so-pocketable (unless you're Paul Bunyan or the Jolly Green Giant) version of the iPod or iPhone you already own. In fact, Apple, I already have your ad slogan: "iPad: like an iPhone, but Maxi-sized."
Hey, big political speech this week about how the nation is doing. Let's check in with Jon Stewart (watch for Supreme Court Justice Samuel "Slammin' Sammy" Alito, shaking his head and saying "Definitely not true" when Obama criticizes the high court...at least he didn't shout "You lie!"):
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Speech Therapy | ||||
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Wait, there's more...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Speech Therapy - Post-Racial | ||||
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Ah, "@fingerbanger69"...my nickname in college.
...sorry, I drifted for a second. I forgot I was white for a moment. Hey, you know what state likes rich white folk and hates the underprivileged (but REALLY loves its horses)? South Carolina:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Thank You, South Carolina - Andre Bauer | ||||
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Speaking of people who do and say crazy things, the "Reverend" Pat Robertson said some pretty disturbing stuff about the Haiti earthquake a few weeks ago, saying the Haitians deserved to be struck by a quake. Now, just in time for your loved one this Valentine's Day, Pat Robertson's Greatest Hits!
Here's a good news/bad news situation for the children of the world. You know the whole bit: the children are our future, teach them, offer them guidance, etc. Well, a 16-year-old girl is traveling around the world in a pretty small boat to break the "youngest to waste a month or so at sea" record set by some 17-year-old kid, who beat the record set by her 17-year-old brother. It's kinda like a "defending the family honor" thing. She and her parents are blogging about the trip, so I've added it to the Friends of the Show. Now the bad news: Schools in a Texas county briefly pulled a book from their shelves because of some naughty material. The book was...let's see...ah, here it is...THE DICTIONARY! Apparently, students were looking in it for WORDS! To be fair, they were looking up terms associated with oral sex, but COME ON! I did that all the time in school! It's a juvenile thing! It's not like I was going to go out and ask a girl for a fellatio! The dictionary's been put back on the shelves, which is great, because I think every child should know what a "blimpkin" is.
Hey, still looking for that perfect Valentine's gift because your lover doesn't like Pat Robertson? How about something special that no one's EVER thought of before? Something specifically designed with your mate in mind? And if you need people to help you, just do like this guy from Cincinnati did and take out an ad on Craigslist:
Where to start, my wife got kicked by a horse last june and shes doing well. She is 5'3", 125 lbs, and looks like the progressive commercials lady.
Need a group of 6-8 guys, 18-31, no latinos to help her live out her ultimate alien abduction fantasy. MUST HAVE CPR TRAINING. masks and tools will be provided, DO NOT BRING YOUR OWN. She is easily frightened of new things and lights and has a heart condition.
I wont be participating in all of this, just watching.
Email with the sujbect line "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS", and include a description of yourself, and what you like on your pizza.
God bless.
Y'know what's REALLY sad? The weirdest part of that ad for me is the line "God bless."
Some people DON'T like surprises. Like this rapist in Athens, Georgia, this week. He started following a 17-year-old girl Monday evening. He caught up to her and dragged her into some woods where he found out the hard way that it was a boy dressed as a girl! What do you say at that point? "Oh...ah....awkwaaaarrddd."
It occurred to me that many times, this blog is focused on younger readers and couples. Like our Valentine's shopping guide...mostly centered around younger people. At the request of absolutely nobody, we went ahead and did some browsing for gifts for the...um...OLDER crowd. It's hard to find gifts that don't somehow involve popping a little blue pill, but we DID find this:
Mother Nature, in the words of President Obama...F*^k You!
-B-
2 comments:
Rock out with your cock out, South Carolina. You are the greatest worst ever.
At least the ad didn't say: "Responsible for own anal probe."
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