Hottest Mess 2011 - A Change Of Pace & The Play-Ins

It's that time again...it's March, baby! And while basketball fans have THEIR tournament this month, we here at Thinking Hard bring back our annual Hottest Mess Tournament! But, much like our "Fan Favorite" bracket last year, we're switching things up again and trying something new. I am pleased to unveil this year's...Hottest Mess BATTLE OF THE SEXES Tournament! That's right! This year, we have a women's bracket and a men's bracket...and when the smoke from THOSE brackets clears, the women's winner and the men's winner will duke it out for a shot at this year's Hottest Mess (someday-we'll-make-it) Trophy!

Before we get to this year's competitors, a special Honorary Mention goes out to one of the hottest messes out there...the American public. The Pew Research Center released a study this week that shows television is still the most popular medium for news...and the most popular network is FOX! Meanwhile, those of us with common sense are still looking for the parts of the channel's "news" coverage that live up to the "fair and balanced" mantra of the network.

But I apparently can't ignore the juggernaut that is Fox News any longer, so Fox & Friends anchor Gretchen Carlson will be one of the women playing-in for a shot in the hottest mess tournament. If you don't remember Ms. Carlson, here's a look from The Daily Show (December '09) at the lovely and misguided former CBS correspondent:

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Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down
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How could I have left her out of the tournament for THIS LONG? Ms. Carlson, my humblest apologies. She'll face Bristol Palin...AND Miley Cyrus in a FIRST-EVER THREE-WAY PLAY-IN GAME! Can you feel the excitement???

Gretchen Carlson vs. Bristol Palin vs. Miley Cyrus (play-in)

So it's been a quiet couple of months for Bristol. After her rhythm-deficient stint on "Dancing with the Stars," she seems to have gone into hiding in her cave in Alaska, only making casual appearances foraging for food on her mother's brief reality series. However, she's trying to follow in her mother's footsteps by ALSO releasing an autobiography. I believe it's called "Condoms and Their Many Improper Uses, or How I Learned To Stop Crossing My Legs." But is it enough to take out two VERY tough competitors?

Miley Cyrus has been all over the place, smoking fake marijuana, disrupting her parents' marriage, but is SHE tough enough in this match-up? I would have said yes, if not for her IMPRESSIVE "fuck you" to her critics during her monologue on Saturday Night Live several weeks ago:



She redeemed herself a little in the eyes of the Tournament Committee. She also isn't a hot enough mess at THIS point to win this play-in game. No, the honor of facing the number one seed at this year's tournament will go to...Gretchen Carlson! Never before have I seen so much air time given to one anchor who is so clearly clueless about much of the news she's bullshitting about. Some days, it feels like she's about to wrap up a story and she sees a note in the teleprompter from a producer that says "Gretchen, we're light...talk about what YOU think about this story." It's almost like Ashton Kutcher is running the Fox control room and is "Punk"ing America. I really hope that's the case, because there's no excuse for her drivel on TV, no matter HOW many people watch it. But let's be honest...people aren't LISTENING to the women on Fox News...they're watching them on "mute." It's like when a guy goes to a bar and sees this really hot woman. They start chatting and she starts babbling incoherently about her 20 cats and how she thinks Obama is an alien (not the illegal kind...the E.T. kind) and she can travel back and forth in time in her sleep, but only twice a year, and only for an hour either way. And even though the guy realizes this woman CLEARLY has no understanding of ANYTHING, including Daylight Saving Time, he's desperate and horny and she's hot, so he nods politely and smiles in agreement with everything she says, just to get some lovin'. So, Ms. Carlson, welcome to the big dance.

Play-In Winner: Gretchen Carlson

She'll face number-one seed Snooki in the women's semis. The other half of the semis will feature media darling Sarah Palin taking on media darling Lindsay "Oh, THIS necklace??" Lohan.

Let's go over to the men's bracket and check out who's in the Play-In game to face the number-one seed:

Gilbert Gottfried vs. The Situation

The Situation wasn't nominated until about 5 days ago, and it was for THIS performance at the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump:



Wow. That's almost as awkward as accidentally watching a best friend's homemade sex video. Only The Situation made me more violently ill to watch. In fact, at about 3:30, you can see Ice-T in the crowd about to lose his lunch. However, that's not NEARLY as appalling as what Gilbert Gottfried did to get into this Play-In. After the disaster in Japan, he dropped several...um, jokes?...on his Twitter feed (making America dumber, 140 characters at a time). I mean, these were TERRIBLE, TASTELESS jokes. Like: "Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them." SERIOUSLY??? To be fair, Gottfried hasn't really been funny for years (unless you count his stint as the AFLAC duck...a job which he was fired from after her Japan tweets). I present Exhibit A, ANOTHER Comedy Central Roast, this time for David Hasselhoff:

The Roast of David Hasselhoff
Gilbert Gottfried - Lisa Lampanelli's Trouble
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New Whitney Cummings Special Jokes The Comedy Awards

So, for the three people out there following Gilbert's tweets, he's sorry he offended you. For the rest of us, there's the Hottest Mess Tournament.

Play-In Winner: Gilbert Gottfried

Gottfried wins the right to take on the number-one seed for the men: Charlie Sheen! (We thought about making him do play-by-play for the tournament, but he was an obvious number-one seed) The other bracket features Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi (competing by proxy from his bomb shelter) taking on "actor" David Arquette. So, here's the bracket for this year's tournament:



Start your pools now!...just don't let Snooki near the water. I don't have THAT much chlorine.

-B-

Fuck Me, I'm Irish

Just wait a few days and you'll see THAT on a t-shirt.

Hey, thanks for joining us again here at Thinking Hard. Charlie Sheen could NOT join us today because he's too busy off battling the wizards that sparked the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Japan. In all seriousness, my heart goes out to the survivors and families of the victims of Friday's 8.9 earthquake. I watched a lot of the live video feeds from Japan's TV stations and it was horrific to watch a tidal wave of water rush over the countryside, destroying everything in its path, while tiny cars did their damnedest to try to outrun the water. I hope nothing like that ever happens near me or my family.

All right, enough seriousness...today's a day we salute Media Behaving Badly. For starters, Chrysler made the mistake of giving its social media agency the password for its Twitter feed. Yeah, I know that sounds ridiculous, but stay with me...an employee of the agency hopped on Chrysler's Twitter feed this week and posted the following:

I find it ironic that Detroit is known as the #motorcity and yet no one here knows how to fucking drive.


No matter HOW MUCH you might agree with that, you just can't do that online. Same with posted home sex videos...that shit stays online FOREVER. Chrysler went ahead and fired that particular agency, which is now working on a "Don't Tweet & Drive" ad campaign.

How about the anchors that forget they're wearing a microphone? You know the cardinal rule: Don't say ANYTHING with a mic on you that you don't want heard because you NEVER know when your mic's on. Case in point: a Philadelphia sports radio personality was on WTXF this week, talking briefly on-air with an anchor about a story. Then the camera went to the other anchor to look ahead at other stories. Listen CLOSELY (read: turn up the volume on your computer because this audio's very low) to the two points that sports radio guy could be heard on-air:



Okay, now turn your volume back down. The radio guy apologized later. But we viewers are still left wondering about the big story: WHAT bullshit happens all the time??

Better yet, let's combine social media with people on TV. This guy from WXIA in Atlanta offered a somewhat scathing look at his own station's coverage of severe weather this week:



Granted, we in journalism are pretty jaded and think rain is rain, big whoopty shit. But to go ON RECORD and call it "performance art" takes some SERIOUS balls.

Of course, that's NOTHING compared to what happened on Fox last weekend. During the animated sitcom "Bob's Burgers," the show went to commercial on a joke that suggested the meat in the aforementioned "Burgers" was actually people. The first ad that ran IMMEDIATELY after? Taco Bell defending its "mystery meat." While not a DIRECT link, it does explain all those reports of people finding thumbs in their fast food meals. Next, Taco Bell will unveil its new entree, "Soylent Green Stuffed Burrito." (it's an old sci-fi joke...look it up)

But let's be honest. Fox isn't about "entertainment." It's about "news." Like getting to the HEART of the issue with the Wisconsin teachers vs. the government:

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Oh, quickly, want to give a shout-out to the writers at Saturday Night Live, who apparently have been following Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament the past THREE YEARS. This was the open to the show last night. (I tried posting the video, but there was an error on NBC's side of things, so I just tossed in the link) Thanks for watching, SNL writers...I'll be suing you shortly.

-B-

This Week, We Have A Guest Blogger!

Welcome to this very special installment of Thinking Hard. This is simply a HUGE day! We have a guest blogger today, and I don't want to waste any more time getting to him. You know him from some insane TV interviews this week, and he'll soon be co-starring with Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi in a buddy-cop flick called "He Said WHUH?" Please welcome....CHARLIE SHEEN!...

Hey, what's up? This is a pretty gnarly office...I could probably fit 2...maybe 3 hookers in here...

Ahem...Mr. Sheen, it's great to have you here, but would you mind getting on with the blog, please?

Dude, chill, stop acting like such a troll. Yeah, okay, let's get this over with so I can go serve my time on "Drugged Out with the Stars?" Heh heh, you see what I did there? I added a question mark after the word "stars" because there's NO way those talentless hacks have a THIMBLEFUL of the mojo I have going. I mean, come on, look at the line-up...Sugar Ray Leonard is so punch drunk, after the judges give their scores, he'll say "Wow, I feel real sorry for that Sugar Ray guy. I should send him some of my albums...that I don't remember recording..." HA HA! You see that? I just knocked out a boxing champion with my WORDS, man. Beat that! And that Wendy Williams chick...she's the only TV interview I turned DOWN because, hey, that chick is NUTS. Though she DOES have bigger breasts than my pornstar girlfriend...maybe I'll call up my service and have her delivered to my room tonight...ha ha, winning. And don't even get me STARTED on that Karate Kid guy, Ralph Macchio...I'll take the "Macho" out of his last name just by LOOKING at him. They'll have to call him Ralph Ci. He's scared of me. I can see it in his eyes because I have this thing I do where I can see someone's aura and soul and find out exactly what they think of me. In fact, it's the ONLY thing I can see in their aura and soul...because I'm all that matters. And Kirstie Alley? I'm fine with her...as long as she's not on top. I can handle a LOT, but even my TIGER BLOOD isn't strong enough for that.

Hey, former "Dancing" contestant Bristol Palin (I'm sure I know her from somewhere...OH YES! MALIBU EARLY 2008! I asked her if it was cool that I didn't use a condom. She said she was cool it with because she's indestructible like me. Hot chick. Wonder whatever happened to her...) is jumping on the "What Charlie Sheen's About To Do" bandwagon and writing a book! She's calling it "Not Afraid of Life." Although, as I recall, she WAS afraid of math, science, history...you know, all the crap you're told in school that you'll eventually need, but you don't. She's totally winning. I think I'm going to call my book "Not Afraid of Anything...including Life, just like that Palin girl."

While we're talking about teachers, did you see all those pansy-ass teachers complaining about their paychecks in Wisconsin?

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Man, that governor dude is a troll to deny those teachers their money. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I'd never want to be like. He and my damn producer on "Two and a Half Men" should get together and talk about how they WISH their lives were as awesome as mine. I'll take a piss on them from my private jet flying at 37,000 feet over their crappy little 5-bedroom homes. Then I'll snort cocaine off a stripper...now THAT's a Mile-HIGH Club.

You know who else I have problems with? These people:

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No, not the church people (although they're a bunch of assholes). No, not BYU (although, hey kid, if that sports thing doesn't work out for you, let's do a sitcom together). No, I'm talking about the "Supreme" Court. Those guys are FULL of themselves to think THEY'RE "Supreme." I had a pizza last night that was more "supreme" than those jagoffs.

Hey, I found out my "Home Away From Home", the Playboy Mansion, has this major disease running through it. Imagine my relief when I found out it was just Legionnaires' Disease and not something SERIOUS like HIV or Hep C...though, with MY tiger blood, it wouldn't bother me at all. Hell, I'd f**k that monkey in Outbreak and I wouldn't have to worry about catching anything at all. That's just how awesome I am.

Oop, I'm being told it's time for me to go do my interview with the morning announcements kid at PS 22 in New York City. Man, I'm sure I'll be such a thrill for them...it's not like they've done anything exciting recently, like sing at the Oscars. Hey, you need me to pee in a cup before I go? No? Okay, rad. Oh, and here's a cat doing weird shit to close the show...



-B-

Remember, You Can't Have The Flu Without An F-U

So I broke down this week and set up a Twitter account for work. I don't post, only follow the major news sources (CNN, ABC, etc.) so I don't miss out on any breaking news. My boss convinced me it'd be a good idea. It's not. First, I don't post, so don't try to find and follow me. Second, I had two followers within my first 24 hours of signing up...again, I don't post, so don't try to find and follow me. Apologies to "100 Black Men" for the block. Third, CNN was showing some a major traffic pile-up in St. Louis this week (live, of course) because of slick roads. SIX HOURS after they put the shot up, they ran the tweet "20 car pile-up in St. Louis LIVE"...and as soon as that tweet posted, CNN shut down the shot. Twitter fail. On every level, Twitter fail.

Before I lose track of where I am, welcome back to Thinking Hard. It's been a rather odd week. Not the least of which is finding out a potential reason Borders is failing. I went in Friday to buy a book that's listed as "likely in store" on the store website. When I asked a store clerk where to find it, he said they'd only received one copy of it...and a store employee had CHECKED IT OUT! LIKE IN A LIBRARY! Look, if I can't sit down and read the whole book in the aisles without buying the book, your employees shouldn't be able to either. Give them a discount, but don't take an item for sale out of the store. I'm aware that GameStop (video game store) employees enjoy a similar luxury. I'm also not cool with that.

My rant continues...with a healthy Sheen to it. Yes, in case you haven't been following the headlines in the last few days, Charlie Sheen has forced the shutdown of his own CBS show, "Two and a Half Men." Jon Cryer's gotta be slapping himself in the forehead, thinking "WHY? WHY did I believe my agent when he said a TV show with Charlie Sheen would be a good career move? I'd rather go shoot a sequel to a Molly Ringwald movie! Any of them!" So Sheen called into a radio show this week and badmouthed the producer of the show. AND made himself look insane. Check out part of the ranting letter that TMZ got a hold of from Sheen:

I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.

Then, as if he hadn't done enough, he went off on the PRESIDENT OF CBS on Friday. Man, when Sheen goes down, he goes down in a blaze of glory. Oh, and he recently told Lindsay Lohan to amp it down. Yes, THAT Charlie Sheen, in the same breath as his fire-breathing insanity, told Lindsay Lohan to bring it down a few notches. Can I get an order of self-awareness at Table 2 1/2 please???

While I'm on the subject of insanity, how about what happened on NBC's Today show this week? While the anchors were outside setting up the stories of the next half-hour, some lunatic hopped the barrier and claimed he was God's gift to music. What's even MORE insane was Ann Curry's response from INDOORS:



Yes, Ann Curry, you jumped in and saved the show. You're a hero...if for a moment the word "hero" means "dolt."

Also in the category of "Insane People On TV," some jackass in Oklahoma tried to steal from a hardware store this week...and he would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for the meddling CHAINSAW he tried to shove in his SHORTS! You know you're a dangerous criminal when employees who see you in the store say (I shit you not) "I felt sorry for him, I thought the gentleman was crippled." I didn't figure out if that person meant MENTALLY or PHYSICALLY crippled.

Let's not kid ourselves, though...there are some REALLY stupid people out there (mostly living in the mountains of North Carolina). Take the parents of a teenage student in Florida. This week, they took what they saw as a final resort to get their son to learn...humiliated him. They made him stand on the street with a sign that read "GPA 1.22 ... honk if I need education" for several hours. If I may pose a suggestion: wouldn't that time have been better spent STUDYING????

Has the world gone INSANE??? If only there was something to calm me down...



Ahhhh, that's the stuff. March Madness is coming...
-B-

I, For One, Would Like To Welcome Our Computer Overlords

More on Watson, the IBM computer, kicking the tar out of two Jeopardy champions in a moment. First, let's start Thinking Hard right with congratulations to one-half of the "My Two Dads" of this blog. After spending a few years in Peru, Andy has returned to the States...and has been hired back into the TV news producer fold! Some might think he's crazy for getting BACK into TV, but once the bug hits you, you're infected for life. So, congratulations Andy! You can still go read of his exploits from his time in Peru (and some absolutely breathtaking photos) under "Gringo in Peru" in our "Friends of the Show."

I also want to address something serious. More than a week ago, crowds of egyptians celebrated the downfall of Hosni Mubarak. Many TV networks sent reporters to cover the crowds and, as is part of the job, those reporters and their crews went right in the thick of the mobs. CBS reporter Lara Logan might not have such great memories of the historic day, however. It came out this week that Logan became separated from her crew...and the revellers punched her and sexually assaulted her. Soldiers and egyptian women finally came to her aid, but surely not before she suffered a lot of physical and emotional trauma. Even though I sit behind a desk in a safe, windowless newsroom, I am aware of the risks that all reporters and photographers face any time they're sent into the field to cover a story. They're usually just "this close" from become part of the story. And on the national and international level, many reporters seem to defy death or serious injury as they earn their sometimes-paltry TV salaries. Other reporters have not been so lucky to survive. For every Lara Logan or Bob Woodruff, there are countless other reporters, writers, photographers...all embedded in the danger zone with a constant concern for personal safety. Daniel Pearl is one of the most notable cases in recent history...he was a bureau chief for the Wall Street Journal and was kidnapped and killed by al-Qaeda following 9/11. To Ms. Logan and the other reporters who put their lives in the line of fire for the sake of free press and information...please be careful out there.

While protests against tyrannical leaders grip the world, some people are focusing on a different "travesty"...Justin Bieber's loss at the Grammys. Wait, WHAT? Surely I'm not reading this correctly...I'm being told I AM reading this correctly. It turns out "The Beeb" lost the Best New Artist Grammy last week to jazz singer Esperanza Spalding. Instead of taking the loss in stride, The Beeb's young (and stupid, stupid) fans took to the internet. Nope, not Facebook. Also, not Twitter. They went into Spalding's Wikipedia page and made notes in the entry that she won the award "by stealing it from Justin Bieber." Another person edited the entry to say "GO DIE IN A HOLE…WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?" Little harsh, don't you think? I mean, the Bieber bio-flick "Never Say Never" also came in second place last weekend to Adam Sandler's latest drivel. But you don't see the fans going after Adam Sandler, whose "talent" as of late is a bit questionable ("Grown-Ups," anyone?). Hell, Eminem lost a major Grammy to country group Lady Antebellum, but you don't see HIS fans calling for the band to go Ante-belly-up! And these are EMINEM FANS we're talking about! I'm GIVING EMINEM'S FANS CREDIT FOR NOT GIVING OUT DEATH THREATS, UNLIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO HAVE FEWER DADDY ISSUES THAN EMINEM HAS MOMMY ISSUES! Oh my God, get a hobby! So, in a moment of "Go Fuck Yourselves, Bieber Fans," here's a look at the Best New Artist of 2010...performing at the WHITE HOUSE...



While I'm on the subject of singers that need to be removed from the human race, Billy Ray Cyrus went all Igor this week, saying The Dr. Frankenstein..er, DISNEY Channel created a monster by signing his daughter (what's her name again?) to star in "Hannah Montana." He says the show destroyed his family. And that's saying something, coming from the guy who's best known (and ONLY known) for "Achy Breaky Heart."

As I'm thinking about monsters, check this out...a couple kayaking in a lake in Britain (not Loch Ness) was out kayaking and spotted what some say is the "cousin" of the Loch Ness Monster. It's one of the best pictures of the creature to date. Check it (it's the bumpy thing in the bottom right hand corner)...



One scientists believes it's just a larger-than-average catfish. Could be...catch it, feed a starving third-world nation.

Hey, Alvin Greene lost ANOTHER political race in South Carolina this week. He got 36 votes...or one-percent. Someday, someone will hear "Jim DeMint started the recession" and think "This guy should tour with Waka Flocka."

A sad week for book lovers...Borders declared bankruptcy. It's going to close about 200 stores. "Dear Borders, perhaps you wouldn't have to close if you didn't sell books that were misprinted right on the front cover...like this Batman graphic novel I bought this week. Can you pick out what word is missing?..."



Seriously, DC comics! You're in charge of TWO things...pictures and words! And you can't get WORDS right??? Least of all, you apparently have something against the word "of"!!! Well, DC, let me put this to you in terms you can understand: G- -uck yourselves. And can I put the next Batman book on reserve? Thanks.

Maybe a computer would have caught the error...like Watson, the genius, Jeopardy-winning computer:

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Watson's pretty smart, with the exception of answering "Toronto" in a Final Jeopardy question about "U.S. Cities."

But technology can do some pretty amazing things. Take New York, for example. There's now an app that can help people find the nearest five venues to find free condoms in the city as part of a safe-sex campaign. Researchers are now working on an app that can help people find hookers within a three-block radius, with filters for price, role-playing, STDs (and the probability of contracting them)...and whether they have a little "surprise" in the front of their pants (if you're into that).

And now, another moment with "Simon's Cat"...



In today's moment with "Blaine's Cat," Blaine finds a crusty and crystallized section of cat piss in his coat closet. There will be no more moments with "Blaine's Cat."

Finally, I wanted to share with you all what I did last night. I went to a performance of "Video Games Live." A video game composer travels the nation and has local orchestras and choirs perform some of the most popular video game music ever. I can sense you pulling away from me, so here's a little taste...from "The Legend of Zelda":



Epic.
-B-

(Special director's commentary for today's blog:
"What?? Internet Explorer's CRASHING?? I must have too much video in. Dammit. I really wanted to show the reporter getting tased and the anchor laughing on-air at 'Crusty Buttocks.' Actually, now that I think of it, if I want to see anchors acting like retards, I'll watch my own show."
"Oh, but I REALLY wanted Eminem dropping the f-bomb at the Grammys! Ah well, I'm sure he'll do it again."
"Why is SIMON'S CAT taking forever to load on YouTube??? It's not even that much animation!!! And what's that smell? Smells like cat pee...")

Introducing Our New Intern...Intern Hosni

We here at Thinking Hard would like to welcome our newest intern. We asked for his resume, but he scoffed at us and walked right into the manager's office. We haven't gotten him to move since. He keeps thanking us for the support we're giving him...but we're actually telling him to leave. Perhaps there's a language barrier. We also can't ascertain what his prior position was...we'd like to call his previous employer to see if this is an ongoing problem. But regardless, welcome Intern Hosni. He's also spent the last several hours telling us how awesome things have been in Egypt for the past 30 years. We're working to translate "Dude, we don't care" into his native tongue.

A quick update from last week's Blog-a-palooza...remember the anchor from KPRC, Owen Conflenti, who was caught only on HD sticking his middle finger up at someone in the studio? He gave a brief apology to the Houston Chronicle, saying "I’m sorry to everyone for my offensive gesture on television last week. My actions were careless and unprofessional. I can assure my viewers it will never happen again.” He went on to say "What's HD again?" Seriously, I'm glad an anchor in a large market can humble himself and admit when he's done something that makes him look like a huge boob on live TV instead of trying to blame it on some producer. I wonder if he's looking for a job in Charlotte...

And now, a new segment on Thinking Hard...Simon's Cat. Intern Holly was kind enough to show us a selection of animated shorts on YouTube that are simple and humorous...especially for people who own cats. For those of you who don't, you might find this cute. You might also appreciate the simplistic animation style. Or you might not care at all...which breaks Intern Holly's heart. And is that something you REALLY want to do so close to Valentine's Day??? You monster!...



Live well.
-B-

Don't They Know The Cameras Are Rolling???

Y'know, for as many stupid people I see waving at cameras at breaking news stories or even behind the set of the unnecessary fourth hour of NBC's Today show, I'm CONTINUOUSLY amazed by the number of people who KNOW there's a camera there and yet seem oblivious to the fact that it's turned on. Now, don't get me wrong... there are some errors, flubs, etc. that never make it to the airwaves, thanks to the watchful eyes of producers and directors (you all know you're awesome) who stop things like "Super Bowel" from appearing on the screen. But there are always OTHERS who don't seem to catch themselves. This blog is dedicated to them.

Let's start in Chicago, where there's a big race for mayor underway. When I say Rahm Emanuel is in the running and there have been some rather...um..."colorful" comments in the campaign, you might assume I'm referring to Rahm. No. I'm not even referring to the MEN in the race...are you ready for a CATFIGHT:



Hm...a crackwhore for mayor. I can get behind that idea. Speaking of white stuff and mudslinging, did you know there was a huge-ass winter storm across a good chunk of the nation this week? For the first time in twelve years, it was bad enough to force Chicago to close its schools! TWELVE YEARS! Compared to the mountain counties in North Carolina, those kids have already earned TWO Ph.D.s! In fact, here's a NASA satellite look at the storm:



Pretty cool, right? If you're not meteorologically (that's such a hard word for anchors to say!) inclined, Intern James was able to find this dumbed-down version of the storm:



So obviously it sucks being a reporter or meteorologist having to go outside and do their jobs and cover this storm. That's a job that has certain drawbacks:



To be fair, he wasn't so upset about the salty spray as he was about not getting a courtesy tap on the top of his head. But at least he knew he was ON AIR. Not like the school superintendent in New England:

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Who doesn't love a good F-bomb on live TV?

Then there are the situations when graphics are CLEARLY wrong. Take this shot from The Daily Show this week. I'm going on record that I LOVE Jon Stewart and the crew at the show. They do endless hours of fact-checking, but something about this clip from CNN's most recent New Year's Eve coverage seems...off. Take a close look at the date listed in the upper left hand corner:



3...2...1...Happy New Month! Or how about this shot from the new Cartoon Network/DC Comics series "Young Justice." Obviously, Cartoon Network has basically said "Fuck It" to offering anything instructional:



A quick check on Google will tell you the word is CARIBBEAN...1 R, 2 Bs. Not the other way around. But hey, if you THINK it's right, it MUST be. Y'know, with mistakes like that on children's TV, it's no wonder kids are playing video games and not paying attention which train they're falling in front of:



That happened in Milan, Italy, this week. Good thing that the off-duty policeman was able to jump in and grab the boy before anything happened to him.

I want to take a moment and go back to The Daily Show. They did great coverage of a woman who always LOOKS like she knows the camera's on...but never quite SOUNDS like it:

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From Russia With Gov
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Besides, she can see Russia from her backyard. She communicates with her handlers using flashlight-morse code...and even the RUSSIANS think she sounds like an idiot.

One more hit today...and it has to do with anchors adapting to the "new" high-definition technology. You might recall the old days of standard-def, when you could only see a small portion of TV...then high-def came along and expanded the left and right sides of the screen to show more content. Somebody should draw the lines on the set for THIS guy...this one's just for you HD viewers!:



(Funny story...the TV station pulled all remnants of the video version of this off YouTube, but didn't get a hold of still pictures on smaller websites...like Thinking Hard. Some days, it PAYS to be the little guy.)

Keep it classy!
-B-