Black Friday Deals On Sarah Palin Jokes

I'd like to start this week's installment of Thinking Hard by saying I SURVIVED BLACK FRIDAY! At 10am Friday, I went to a Target, a Best Buy, another store and a Starbucks and finished all of my shopping by 11:15am. Seriously, the longest line I stood in had only about 5 people for 3 cashiers. I didn't even have to get trampled for my trouble. I think some crazy people enjoy the rush of shopping at 3 or 4 in the morning...when you can find the same deals at 10am. More power to you, but I don't want to have to wear a protective cup to avoid serious injury in the throng of shoppers.

So, big week for the Palin family. America FINALLY came to its senses and voted Bristol off "Dancing with the Stars," giving Dirty Dancer Jennifer Grey the win. Sarah's had a busy week too. She talked to Sean Hannity on Fox "News" about whether she'd do another interview with "Gotcha Journalist" Katie Couric. Her response (keep in mind she's talking to SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS):

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No. I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting. I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported. And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us. So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."


"Spin and gin up?" Anyway, I guess I can appreciate the point by Mrs. Palin as she's speaking to SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS about journalists not spinning the facts and just presenting the information. And I can understand Sarah's concern about Katie Couric's bias...Couric, while speaking to a VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, believed said candidate would be well informed of world events and at least know the name of ONE WEEKLY NEWS MAGAZINE. Personally, I'm offended by Couric's lack of integrity and ethics and am going to write a stern letter to...that one magazine...with the, y'know, the writers and the pictures...they did a story recently on Iran or Iraq or Afghanistan, didn't they?...

Sarah showed how CLEARLY in the know she is on Glenn Beck's radio show this week. After a show of military force in North and South Korea, Palin offered HER opinion on the events:



Now, I'll be totally fair to Sarah here...she clearly just mis-spoke when she announced the U.S. support for NORTH Korea (or she didn't know there were TWO Koreas since she can't see THEM from her backyard). However, in listening to the first 20 or so seconds of her comments, I didn't get the sense that she had ANY idea what Beck was talking about. It kinda just sounded like "Let's support South Korea in whatever they do...even if it involves murdering children."

Palin was also a topic of discussion on "Larry King Live" without even having to be a guest. In fact, former President George H. W. Bush ("Thousand Points of Light" Bush, not "nu-cue-lar weapons" Bush) and his grandmo- er, I mean WIFE, Barbara Bush, were asked their opinion of the former VP candidate. Babs said it best:

"I sat next to her once. Thought she was beautiful. And she's very happy in Alaska, and I hope she'll stay there."

While Barbara was on a roll of saying what America thinks, she went on to ask George if he realized that people think she's his grandma and not his wife.

A tough week for "Sarah Palin's Alaska" on TLC...after a record-breaking premiere for the cable network, the second episode DROPPED 40% of its viewers. When asked about the drop in viewership, Palin replied, "I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of television ratings. And I have a communications degree."

Avril Lavigne did something interesting at the American Music Awards Sunday. She was describing the nominees for the alternative artist award and coined the new word "amaze-balls." Sarah Palin replied, "Oh, come ON! Why is she just making up words???"

In non-Sarah Palin news...an artist in New York is planning a new exhibit: he's had a small, flat camera implanted in the back of his head and will take still images of what's going on BEHIND him, to be put on display. In a related story, a creepy guy living near the artist had a small camera implanted in the top of his big toe and will be walking barefoot while suspiciously close to women's dressing rooms and ladies wearing skirts.

Hey, on a serious note, people who know me know I'm not always on Facebook and don't always appreciate it for what it is (though my hatred for Twitter is MUCH greater). However, I read a story this week about a brave woman who used Facebook in an emotional way. A 19-year-old woman in Argentina was at a park with her boyfriend when he started going through her text messages. He flew into a rage, accused her of betraying him and started hitting her. She reported the attack to police. She also took pictures of the injuries and posted them to Facebook saying, "Someone who claims to love you cannot do this to you. I’m uploading these pictures to give courage to other girls who have gone or are still going through what I’ve been through.” Her family didn't even know what she'd been going through. But her father, who's the president of the soccer team on which her now-ex-boyfriend played, fired the guy. Many people online have offered their support to this woman. And regardless of whether she has to see any of the strangers on Facebook face-to-face, I believe it took a lot of strength to be able to stand up in the world of social networking and say "This happened to me...and I don't want it to happen to you." The growth of social networking in the past few years has been HUGE, and quite frankly, this woman is probably reaching more people by doing this than if she limited her conversations to family and friends. It's good to see someone doing something IMPORTANT with social networks instead of offering pure drivel...like this blog. And this rather UNUSUAL push for a new guest host of Saturday Night Live:



To be fair, he can't be any worse than Scarlett Johansson. Man, that guy was terrible. Wait, what?...NOT a dude?...
-B-

If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested

Hey, you know what, Johnny Antiestablishment? You have one of three options: walk through the body scanner, get a patdown, or DON'T FUCKING FLY, YOU MORON! Personally, I'd prefer you take Option 3...because it means I'll get MY patdown sooner. In a line I wish I'd come up with this week, I wonder if TSA will start charging people who want a patdown a "baggage handling fee." Seriously, if you assholes complaining about the patdowns and body scanners (that are, mind you, in place to prevent ANOTHER 9/11 attack) have a BETTER idea that doesn't start with "just let" and end with "us through," the TSA's website is www.tsa.gov. I'm sure they'd love to hear your brilliant idea.

On another note of how americans just don't have a clue, Bristol Palin made it to the finals of "Dancing with the Stars." So, for those of you who haven't been watching this season, the finals are the chick from "Dirty Dancing," a chunky black kid whose claim to fame is being a chunky black kid on Disney Channel programming... and a chick who REALLY should have just said "No" to Levi...the daughter of a woman that the world should just say "No" to.

Speaking of Sarah Palin, her TLC reality show scored record premiere ratings for the network last week (Kate Gosselin's gonna be PIIIIISSSSSSSSED). And she told Barbara Walters she believed she could beat President Obama in 2012, which caused Walters' head to explode. Also, Ms. "Fox News, would you mind funding my 2012 presidential campaign" Palin received what I can only assume are accolades for her CREATIVE (read: awful, just plain awful) use of the English language:



Thanks, Oxford Dictionary for a notoriously bad idea: encouraging stupid people to expand the English language. And believe me, I know a lot about notoriously bad ideas. I keep having them. But nowhere NEAR as bad as the idea NBA star Tony Parker had: he's rumored to have slept with the wife of a former teammate. Don't remember Tony Parker? Here's a refresher: he married Eva Longoria. Now they're getting a divorce. And now, an open letter from Thinking Hard to Tony Parker:

Dear Tony,
REALLY?!
Love, Blaine
PS: Since you're great at having bad ideas, can you please send me your soon-to-be-ex-wife's phone number?

Hey, I went to see "Morning Glory" yesterday. Entertaining movie. I'm a big Rachel McAdams fan (read: stalker). It was fun to see how morning news was portrayed, especially the anchors who are difficult to work with. Hm...

Speaking of news, there are just some things on local news that I'll never understand HOW they make it on TV, but they entertain me nonetheless:





Well, THAT woman probably won't be out to do any Black Friday shopping this week. Ah, yes, how I love the holiday tradition of peaceful shopping among quiet, friendly customers. It's so tranquil. Hm, maybe I'll see what THIS store has to offer:



...perhaps not. Black Friday shopping seems like a notoriously bad idea.
Happy Thanksgiving!

-B-

Seriously, Can We PLEASE Vote Bristol Off "Dancing" Now???

I'm serious. Little Miss Palin has been on the bottom for the past three weeks and voters decided to give someone ELSE the boot. You're only encouraging the Palins. One more week of not getting booted...and ABC signs Bristol on as a "special correspondent" for Good Morning America. Meanwhile, George Snufflupagus laments for the times when he did ACTUAL news.

In sports news, go Cocks. (that might be my favorite line EVER in this blog)

Hey, want to antagonize a homeless cat from millions of miles away? A company has set up cat toys at two animal shelters so YOU can control the toys from your computer and entertain/annoy the cats right from your desk. Excited? Yeah, don't be. As you can imagine, every time I've tuned into the live web cam, the cats are mostly laying around with disinterest in the toys that are shaking around the room. I can't say I blame 'em...they're probably more interested in FINDING A HOME than playing with phantom toys. But, hey, if that's your cup of tea, Google the Idaho Animal Shelter or the Oregon Animal Shelter. It's fun to watch (if nothing else) the crazy cat people on the live chat: "I LOVE those kittehs! I want twenty to go with the forty I already own!" or "Why won't they play with me??? If they don't move, I'm going to KILL them!"

Big week to be a president of the free world. President Obama is facing down all of his creditors on a ten-day tour of Asia that includes the ever-popular G20 summit. Obama spent much of his speech Friday telling China how their economy needs help...though, I was strangely curious at how he referred to the country as "Kettle" and called them "black." And Former President W...er, Bush kicked off a book tour for his memoir this week. Seems like the right time to talk about the lowest part of his presidency, which is most assuredly Iraq or Katrina or something like that:

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Huh, how do you like that? I've officially made a NSFW (not safe for work) blog by including "Cocks" and "Bush." Well, since no one's going to get to read this anyway, let's close with what has got to be the WORST beginning to a newscast...that I've never been a part of:


Midday News Complete Disaster - Watch more Funny Videos

To be fair, at least Bristol Palin wasn't reporting.

-B-

A Midterm Victory For Fox News

Let's hear it for Fox News! The crew over at Rupert Murdoch's stronghold posted big election night ratings Tuesday...AND they got the GOP back in power in the House! What a huge night for Fox! Thank you, Fox, for proving that the American public WILL believe anything they see on TV. Actually, if you have a few minutes, Jon Stewart spoke with Fox anchor Chris Wallace after the elections, and I was actually surprised to see someone with journalistic integrity working for the big F...

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So, yeah, another midterm election is in the books, and President Obama likely has a huge hangover because the House is now controlled by republicans and the democrats lost a few seats in the Senate. But again, I'd like to point out the squandered opportunity the democrats had to push through anything they wanted in the past two years. Instead, they played fair...and got next to nothing done. Tucker Max says it best: Assholes Finish First (now available at bookstores nationwide).

It was a pretty brutal campaign season. I showed a clip last week of Jon Stewart talking about all of the negative ads run in this year's campaign...and then I considered what would have happened if the founding fathers of our country had access to television and campaign spending:



But, hey, bonus points for anyone who went out this year and blew 20 minutes trying to figure out those electronic voting machines. Remember...elderly + techonology = explosions. At least they got out and voted. Bristol Palin was SO busy with her incomprehensible run on "Dancing with the Stars" that gosh, she plum forgot all about her silly little absentee ballot (tee hee). Look, Bristol, I know you've got a lot on your plate, dancing in gorilla costumes and whoring yourself out to every media outlet who will pay any attention to you (kinda like high school, no?), but how long can it possibly take to fill out an absentee ballot and mail it in??? You don't even have to GO anywhere except a MAIL BOX!! Oh, if only that could happen in 2012...

There IS some bad news to come with the midterm elections: Alvin Greene lost his bid to be senator of South Carolina. I know, I know, I'm heartbroken too. Can you imagine all of the awesome soundbites that would've been on the 24-hour networks for the next several months?? Ah, well, let's give him a proper send-off with video from his sparsely-attended concession party. See if YOU can figure out why he showed up (because I can't):



Finally, the days of drunk-texting are now behind us...and drunk-facebooking are here. Yes, somehow, people who are too drunk to operate a motor vehicle are finding ways to get home and somehow TYPE random crap on people's walls. Frankly, I didn't know there was a problem until I saw the OTHER Blaine Clark's facebook page. "I'm Blaine Clark, bitch"...CLEARLY that guy is drunk. So James Hartsell was kind enough to show me the next wave of anti-drunk-facebooking technology:

Social Media Sobriety Test from TDA_Boulder on Vimeo.

I'm still working on an app that will prevent people with a low IQ from calling TV stations...that includes the talent.

-B-

Boo

Happy Halloween from the spooky haunted offices of Thinking Hard. Who's haunting the offices? The ghosts of people with half a brain...who died when they saw the number of insane people in the world. So instead of hearing "Wooooooooooooo," we get more of a "Will you look at that? James Cameron is planning to write a second AND third sequel to 'Avatar.' Is that truly necessary?" And, yes, Cameron IS planning to write those sequels...provided he MAKES it that long. Mwahahahahahahaha!

Actually, let me hit briefly on the subject of insane people. This week, three tornadoes ripped through our area, killing at least one person and injuring several others. Of course, that meant live tornado warning coverage that broke into regularly scheduled network programming. That meant viewers calling in to local TV stations and complaining that the dangerous weather coverage was interrupting their valued shows. Really, people? REALLY?! First, that live coverage might have saved some lives. Second, is your show THAT important? I mean, I'm a BIG TV junkie. My DVR STILL has crap on it from three weeks ago because I just have that much to watch. But I also know how to READ A BOOK or TALK TO PEOPLE to pass the time! Seriously, those stupid fuckers are contributing to the dumbing down of society! And third...come on, people. This is the technology age. You think your "valued shows" won't be available on the internet in the next 24 hours? How stupid and selfish are you? Tell you what...next time there's a tornado in your neighborhood, I hope the TV stations go ahead and just air "Dancing with the Stars" and run a little graphic at the bottom of the screen that reads "Tornado War--aw, never mind. Fuck you."

And one more person on the list of "Are You Fucking Kidding Me???"...police say a Florida woman was deep into an enthralling game of the popular Facebook game "Farmville" when she heard her baby crying. So she got up from the game...and shook the baby to death! Are you fucking kidding me???

Okay, now I'm done with insane people. Now I can focus on politicians, who are almost as insane. What, you don't believe me? Consider this year's political ads:

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That's Jon Stewart, who held this week's "Daily Show" episodes in our nation's capital. He was there for this weekend's Rally to Restore Sanity. Congrats to him and the entire Daily Show crew...they had a MASSIVE turnout. Call it a success for sanity. Hell, Stewart even interviewed President Obama. Here's a recap of that interview:

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Midterm Teapartyganza - Next Media Animates Barack Obama Interview
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

It seems one political challenger is already getting a lot of attention. Remember THIS guy from the New York governor's race?:



That's candidate Jimmy McMillan, and now there's a talking ACTION FIGURE for McMillan. The figure says "The rent is Too. Damn. High." But here's the catch...the figure is priced at $49.99. The action figure's price is Too. Damn. High. Also, Alvin Greene is calling...he wants a figure that spouts his catch phrase: Jim DeMint started the recession.

Speaking of viral sensations, how about THIS guy getting a new job:



(Bonus points for every Antoine Dodson costume you see this Halloween.) Maybe Dodson will be the new Slap-Chop spokesman.

Y'know the other fun part about the Halloween season? Sports. Now, anyone who's ever heard me speak will tell you I'm not a huge sports nut. But I AM a big fan of crazy sports coverage on TV. Consider this guy, covering the World Series:



And with the latest 3D technology, I'd like to see some sports highlights replayed in 3D, like this one:



Can we get Sarah Palin hired to operate a handheld camera at future hockey games?
Happy Halloween...and we'll see you after Election Day.

-B-

Completely Inappropriate

The rent is too damn high.

It's been a long week here at Thinking Hard. It all started with pictures like this from the upcoming issue of GQ:



That's "Glee" stars (left to right) Dianna Agron, Cory Monteith and Lea Michele. GQ decided to do a racy photo spread with the ladies. When I first saw the pictures, I thought "Hey, that's pretty hot. I mean, even though the girls play teenagers on TV, I know enough about the real world to know that they're in their early 20s and of legal status to look attractive in whatever they choose." Then the Parents Television Council got a hold of the pictures. If you're not familiar with the PTC, they're the people who think parents don't do enough parenting, so they fight the "smut" on TV, like pro wrestling. The PTC is up in arms for the image the pictures present to young "Glee" fans out there. Even Katie "Take a REAL Good Look at My Colon" Couric expressed her disappointment. My thought? Get over it. Dianna Agron responded to the criticism saying the photo shoot didn't represent who she is as a person, but she also didn't walk away from it. She also went on to point out there aren't many children who read GQ and maybe it's the PARENTS' responsibility to make sure they don't leave a copy of GQ laying out at home. Good call. There aren't a lot of good parents out there. But also, I came to the realization that there's something wrong with ME if I think a blonde and a brunette in their early 20s are attractive. Despite what my driver's license says, I think of myself as young. But I now know it's not how I perceive MYSELF that matters...it's how I'm viewed by others. And others would think that's skeezy. So, thanks, GQ, for making me feel dirty.

One more thing I'd like to hit on this week (no pun intended)...NPR fired "journalist" Juan Williams after he went on Fox News and said he gets nervous every time he boards a flight and sees a muslim in full religious garb on board. Fox News then expressed outrage at the firing and offered Williams MORE airtime. People on both sides of the issue say it has to do with the muslim debate. Personally, I think has to do with Williams. He's been touting himself as a "journalist" on NPR for years, while at the same time "contributing" to Fox News. In other words, he's been reporting on NPR and offering his opinion on Fox. Anyone else see that as a conflict of interest? There's a certain acceptance that when a reporter speaks on-air on ANY outlet, that person will be talking about the facts of a story. But when said reporter starts spouting opinions, that line gets blurred. I don't want to see Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly or Keith Olbermann or Chris Matthews report from the scene of a burglary because I believe they'll just offer their two cents worth during the report. Likewise, I don't give a rat what Brian Williams or Lara Logan think about the muslim debate...just give me the news. But if you start blurring the line between reporter and "person with opinion," the future of news gets blurred as well. And people ALREADY don't trust the media. Just saying.

Imagine a world where every newsroom is run by people who value the internet more than what you see on TV. What would News Director Natalie do:



You think THAT'S a train wreck? Try watching a nerd dance-off at video game convention...hosted by, of all people, JAY MOHR:



Seriously, Jay Mohr hanging out with people half his age? Now THAT'S inappropriate.
Happy election day.

-B-

Can We Just Get To November Already?

Seriously, I should LOVE this time of the year...clever campaign ads, mudslinging, soundbites from politicians who may or may not have been caught on camera with a hooker at a posh hotel the night before, etc. But I don't. As if you couldn't already tell in my other 150+ posts, I'm a democrat. And I've been excited after the two most recent major elections (2006, 2008) because, hey, my party finally has some power. But let's not kid ourselves here...the democrats have done absolute shit with their power. I think back to what the republicans probably consider their glory days of shoving every bill they could possibly think of through the conservative-controlled Congress during the Bush, Jr. era (which sounds a little like Hardee's-offshoot Carl's, Jr. if you think about it). THAT'S what I wanted the democrats to do! A little payback for TWO "W" administrations. What did I get? Nada. Even that much-touted health care bill this summer...the Obama administration just backed off part of that bill and said "Um, look...insurance companies...you can, uh, go ahead and charge more for policies with seriously sick children." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? That was one of the things that was supposed to make it easier for parents! I'm not even planning to BE a parent and I'm pissed off! ...meh. Maybe Jon Stewart will make me feel better:

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Meh...still not quite happy. What else ya got?

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Hmm...warmer... Come ON! Is Christine O'Donnell going to be the only candidate to do something ludicrous this campaign season? Isn't there SOME other candidate who doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning... who did something unusual on-camera, yet was COMPLETELY overlooked by the media? And can you spice it up with a little bit of "Where's Waldo?"



Ah, thaaaaat's the stuff. A little Alvin Greene goes a long way. I'll miss him. I hear he was at the fair to offer himself as a "Deep-Fried Candidate," but didn't like the scalding hot deep-fry oil. I'll miss him.

Politics made their way onto The View this week. Fox...um, "commentator?"...Bill O'Reilly appeared and started talking about the islamic center proposed at Ground Zero. You know those people at work (or at home) who LIVE to rile you up and play calm while you freak out? Yeah, it's like that:



I have to agree a little with Babs on this one...if you want to prove you're the bigger person, you just have to sit there and take it and not walk off set, no matter HOW much it feels like the right thing to do. I wonder how Fran Drescher of "The Nanny" fame would react on her upcoming new "Tawk Show" (yes, it's really going to be spelled like that)...

Vive Chile! I wonder what that one miner said underground when he found out both his wife AND his mistress showed up at the dig site to pray for him. How do you say "Well...shit" in Chile?

While we're on the subject of marriage, the "storybook romance" of Courteney Cox and David Arquette is on the skids. The day after they separated, Arquette called in to the Howard Stern show, all sad and heartbroken. He talked about cheating on Courteney a couple of times. He also talked about how Cox had treated him like a child sometimes. Uh, Dave, if I can interject...you ARE a child! You're a 12-year-old trapped in a 39-year-old body! How do I know? Because I'M a 10-year-old trapped in a 33-year-old body!

Let's wrap this one up with my favorite newspaper-picture caption I've seen in weeks:



His son's Peter has good taste (that's what she said).

-B-