Welcome, friends, to the post-Christmas-letdown edition of Thinking Hard. That feeling of indifference and "blah" going through your system right now? It's your body reminding you that Christmas is done and over with for another 364 days...or you just miss Brittany Murphy's acting THAT MUCH. I'll never tell.
Yes, sad news from the entertainment world: actress Brittany Murphy died this week of a heroi...er, *ahem*, a HEART problem. Murphy was perhaps best known for her work as a young, impressionable girl with crazy eyes in "Clueless"...or as a mental case with crazy eyes in "Don't Say A Word"...or as a woman with crazy eyes in REAL LIFE. No exact cause of death has been released yet, leaving many to speculate if and how many drugs were involved. But one thing's for sure...THIS is the celebrity actress death that should've been overshadowed by Michael Jackson.
While we're on the subject of crazy women, I hear the Pope hates them:
Yes, a mentally ill woman jumped a barricade at Christmas Eve mass at the Vatican and ATTACKED THE POPE (thereby ensuring her name will be on next year's "Naughty" list)! The Pope's okay...I mean, she didn't BITE him and turn him into a Zombie Pope (a new series that should come out from Marvel Comics) or anything...but, apparently, she tried the same thing LAST year and was stopped by security in time. Look, two things: 1. Security stopped her LAST year but not THIS year? What, are they upset about cutbacks in the Vatican? Have they been told to stop taking the corporate jet??? 2. If you are this woman's family, if she keeps saying "I'm just going for a short walk" around MIDNIGHT on CHRISTMAS EVE, maybe you want to consider...I don't know...STOPPING HER??? How about tying her to a chair or something...I'm sure you have a crapload of GARLAND you can use!
While we're on the subject of people who are nuts and the security people who ignore them, how about the asshole who's keeping me from getting my Ipod out of my carry-on bag while on an airplane? I'm talking about the sonuvabitch who tried to light a bomb on a plane over Detroit Christmas day. He ended up botching it and instead of an explosion, he started a fire. Passengers held him until the plane landed. Seriously? DETROIT??? Did al-Qaeda not hear how FUCKED Detroit is? He'd have been better off blowing up a plane over OMAHA! Also, because of this fuck-up, the FAA will no longer let any passengers access their carry-on bags mid-flight. So if I take a book on the plane to read and I change my mind and decide to play my Nintendo DS, I can't. Worst part? This guy's dad apparently expressed concern that his son was getting into trouble with al-Qaeda a MONTH before the attack! Sure, the IRS can spend the time and manpower trying to figure out if I pay my taxes, but government agents can't look into this dumb shit??? They're apparently too busy enforcing that new health care bill...oh, wait, IT'S NOT PASSED YET!
You think I'M upset??? Check out what MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan did to democratic congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida during a live interview a week ago:
Y'know, a show where a newsman interviews himself for two hours...I think I could produce that. I have some experience...
Hey, I went Christmas Day to see the new "Sherlock Holmes" film with Robert Downey, Junior, and Jude Law. A charming film, but I would've enjoyed it better if I wasn't in a packed theater. Seeing it in a packed theater on Christmas Day gave me a little santa-claustrophobia.
Adding a couple new "Friends of the Show"...Fail Blog and Cake Wrecks Blog. Both are fun, and they occasionally offer great spelling errors seen in the wild. Enjoy!
While we're on the subject, Central Connecticut State University (School mascot: the Wherethefuckisthat) recently released its survey of most literate cities in the U.S. Seattle ranked at the top of the list of 75 cities. Charlotte, North Carolina, ranked 27th, just three spots ahead of Chicago...and 12 spots behind Lexington, Kentucky (really??). Let's see the last city...I'm sure it's somewhere in South Carolina...ah, better...El Paso, Texas. It's unfortunate that those texans can't learn what "cerveza" means...maybe they should go back to school.
And speaking of EPIC FAILS, Hewlett-Packard apparently has NO black people testing their products. HP recently came out with a new webcam that will track the user's face. Pretty cool...until customers started realizing the camera DOES NOT RECOGNIZE BLACK FACES!
In other news, HP will change its name to Hitler-Packard. "Hitler-Packard: working to erase everyone who's different than us." (I like how the guy in the video uses the term "blackness" like "computer virus.")
Actually, HP isn't NEARLY as bad as Kentucky Fried Chicken, which released THIS commercial in the UK, showing white fans how to deal with an awkward situation at cricket games (cricket's a sport, unlike NASCAR...I'm looking at YOU, Associated Press members who chose Jimmie Johnson as Athlete of the Year). Check out this ad and see if YOU can tell what's wrong with it:
The correct answer is: "Pepsi MAX??? Who drinks Pepsi MAX???"
-B-
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The MOST wonderful time of the year? REALLY?!
Try telling that to the poor fuckers I left behind at O'Hare last night (after a 3-hour delay myself) who were trying to fly to DC or New York. In fact, I brought out a classic video clip that STILL works for this storm:
Let's heat things up for you in this winter storm...the high-priced call girl who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now doing an ADVICE COLUMN! Hey, you KNOW it'll be awesome advice. After all, when this whole Tiger Woods thing got big, she said "At least I had the common sense to keep my mouth shut"...well, except for that one part, but he paid extra for it.
Speaking of keeping warm in bed, I am NOT one to promote Twitter. I think it's asinine and the people who use it apparently think they're more important than they really are. That said, ONE guy put it to good use. See, his buddy and his buddy's new wife asked him to house-sit while they went on their honeymoon. So, in his time, he RIGGED THEIR BED to update Twitter when they were having sex! It includes weight, length of time, a FRENZY RATING...even a JUDGE'S comments! Check this out...this is how their first "outing" started on Twitter: "They're on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG." Here's how it ended 22 minutes later: "They're off the job! #2 - Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge's Comment: 'Good work!' 8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter" In an unrelated note, I'm available for housesitting...
I have to tell you, it's good to be back in town after all the crazy snow. No real cataclysms on my holiday break...just some real Christmas cheer for once. So, I'd like to spread a little cheer myself, especially for you Guitar Heroes and Rock Band members out there:
...okay, maybe this Guitar Hero thing is getting a little out of hand. Nothing says "Daddy doesn't have any time for you" like hooking up a giant Guitar Hero game to the garage.
-B-
Let's heat things up for you in this winter storm...the high-priced call girl who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now doing an ADVICE COLUMN! Hey, you KNOW it'll be awesome advice. After all, when this whole Tiger Woods thing got big, she said "At least I had the common sense to keep my mouth shut"...well, except for that one part, but he paid extra for it.
Speaking of keeping warm in bed, I am NOT one to promote Twitter. I think it's asinine and the people who use it apparently think they're more important than they really are. That said, ONE guy put it to good use. See, his buddy and his buddy's new wife asked him to house-sit while they went on their honeymoon. So, in his time, he RIGGED THEIR BED to update Twitter when they were having sex! It includes weight, length of time, a FRENZY RATING...even a JUDGE'S comments! Check this out...this is how their first "outing" started on Twitter: "They're on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG." Here's how it ended 22 minutes later: "They're off the job! #2 - Action concluded at 16.12GMT. Duration: 22 m.05 s. Frenzy Index: 4 (easy listening). Judge's Comment: 'Good work!' 8:12 AM Dec 11th from Power Twitter" In an unrelated note, I'm available for housesitting...
I have to tell you, it's good to be back in town after all the crazy snow. No real cataclysms on my holiday break...just some real Christmas cheer for once. So, I'd like to spread a little cheer myself, especially for you Guitar Heroes and Rock Band members out there:
...okay, maybe this Guitar Hero thing is getting a little out of hand. Nothing says "Daddy doesn't have any time for you" like hooking up a giant Guitar Hero game to the garage.
-B-
Friday, December 11, 2009
It's Bat-Shit Cold Up Here!
Greetings from the frozen tundra of Chicago, Illinois. I'm here for the next week and a half for the holidays. Local temperature: 6 degrees. Or, as I like to call it, "stupid cold."
Didn't want to leave you readers hanging over the holiday, so here are a couple of quick hits...
*At last count, nine different women claim to have slept with Tiger Woods (and none of them are very attractive). Looks like Tiger's gunning for the new holiday classic, "The Twelve Lays of Christmas."
*Color giant Pantone (yes, they specialize in colors...all of them) has selected the 2010 Color of the Year. And the winner is...TURQUOISE. Turquoise would have been here to accept, but he's currently on tour at a bunch of indian reservations, so Fuschia will be accepting...and Baby-Puke Yellow will be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out who she has to sleep with to get the damn award next year.
*Hey, who says you can't be SMART to work at Fox News? You just have to PLAY dumb to the lowest common denominator:
And a little something extra for your stocking...
I was told there would be no math...or spelling.
-B-
Didn't want to leave you readers hanging over the holiday, so here are a couple of quick hits...
*At last count, nine different women claim to have slept with Tiger Woods (and none of them are very attractive). Looks like Tiger's gunning for the new holiday classic, "The Twelve Lays of Christmas."
*Color giant Pantone (yes, they specialize in colors...all of them) has selected the 2010 Color of the Year. And the winner is...TURQUOISE. Turquoise would have been here to accept, but he's currently on tour at a bunch of indian reservations, so Fuschia will be accepting...and Baby-Puke Yellow will be sitting in the audience, trying to figure out who she has to sleep with to get the damn award next year.
*Hey, who says you can't be SMART to work at Fox News? You just have to PLAY dumb to the lowest common denominator:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Gretchen Carlson Dumbs Down | ||||
| ||||
And a little something extra for your stocking...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Beck - Not So Mellow Gold | ||||
| ||||
I was told there would be no math...or spelling.
-B-
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I Have A Feeling I'm Forgetting Something...
...ah, well, it'll come to me.
Speaking of forgetting things, it looks like I forgot a few choice gift ideas in last week's Black Friday blog. If you like poo, and who doesn't, might I suggest a reindeer-dung necklace from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Yes, the $15 "limited-edition" (because, hey, we can't do this all day) Magical Reindeer Gem pendant necklace contains dried, sterilized (oh, yeah, that makes me feel MUCH better) reindeer droppings, SPRAYED WITH GLITTER, on a beaded chain. Because nothing says "See, honey, Santa and his reindeer ARE real...here are the carrots you left for Prancer" like a reindeer-shit necklace. Still, it sure beats a lump of...ew...in your stocking.
And for the people who can't EVER seem to figure out where they're driving (and if they like drugs), SNOOP DOGG is doing some voice work to give you directions on your GPS. Oh, sure, THAT'S gonna help...what fucking direction is LRIZZLE???
Hmm...I swear there was something else I was going to talk about. Let me turn on some Chinese TV...it always helps me remember. Ah, it looks like EA has the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game demo out:
OH! THAT WAS IT! Yes, if you've been avoiding the television like the plague this week, you missed the fact that Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and tree outside his home early Black Friday (which is odd, because usually when Tiger drives, he misses both the water AND the trees). His wife said she used the first thing she had available...a FIVE-IRON...to break out a rear window and pull Tiger out of the car. Later, it came out that Tiger's had a few...um...shall we say LIAISONS with other women. Apparently when he was talking about playing 18 holes at Pebble Beach, he was NOT talking about golf. So now there's talk that Tiger's wife might have attacked him and he drove off to get away. Now, while there's talk that he might have to pay his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife millions of dollars, don't feel bad for Tiger just yet. EA and Nike have both said they're sticking with Tiger as a spokesman, and he's just picked up a sponsorship deal from the car safety device, The Club. Now, he's going to need a new club to replace the one wrapped around his head...er, I mean, used to heroically save his life...but he's already got one handy: the Tire Iron. Let's see what Saturday Night Live has to say about this whole thing:
And while we're talking about getting a little piece of ass on the side, check out this picture UNPHOTOSHOPPED to promote a Sesame Street appearance on "The Tyra Banks Show:"
Hey, don't get upset with CM...he did it all for the cookie, uh-huh, the cookie, uh-huh, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your a...
-B-
Speaking of forgetting things, it looks like I forgot a few choice gift ideas in last week's Black Friday blog. If you like poo, and who doesn't, might I suggest a reindeer-dung necklace from the Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, IL. Yes, the $15 "limited-edition" (because, hey, we can't do this all day) Magical Reindeer Gem pendant necklace contains dried, sterilized (oh, yeah, that makes me feel MUCH better) reindeer droppings, SPRAYED WITH GLITTER, on a beaded chain. Because nothing says "See, honey, Santa and his reindeer ARE real...here are the carrots you left for Prancer" like a reindeer-shit necklace. Still, it sure beats a lump of...ew...in your stocking.
And for the people who can't EVER seem to figure out where they're driving (and if they like drugs), SNOOP DOGG is doing some voice work to give you directions on your GPS. Oh, sure, THAT'S gonna help...what fucking direction is LRIZZLE???
Hmm...I swear there was something else I was going to talk about. Let me turn on some Chinese TV...it always helps me remember. Ah, it looks like EA has the new Tiger Woods PGA Tour game demo out:
OH! THAT WAS IT! Yes, if you've been avoiding the television like the plague this week, you missed the fact that Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and tree outside his home early Black Friday (which is odd, because usually when Tiger drives, he misses both the water AND the trees). His wife said she used the first thing she had available...a FIVE-IRON...to break out a rear window and pull Tiger out of the car. Later, it came out that Tiger's had a few...um...shall we say LIAISONS with other women. Apparently when he was talking about playing 18 holes at Pebble Beach, he was NOT talking about golf. So now there's talk that Tiger's wife might have attacked him and he drove off to get away. Now, while there's talk that he might have to pay his probably-soon-to-be-ex-wife millions of dollars, don't feel bad for Tiger just yet. EA and Nike have both said they're sticking with Tiger as a spokesman, and he's just picked up a sponsorship deal from the car safety device, The Club. Now, he's going to need a new club to replace the one wrapped around his head...er, I mean, used to heroically save his life...but he's already got one handy: the Tire Iron. Let's see what Saturday Night Live has to say about this whole thing:
And while we're talking about getting a little piece of ass on the side, check out this picture UNPHOTOSHOPPED to promote a Sesame Street appearance on "The Tyra Banks Show:"
Hey, don't get upset with CM...he did it all for the cookie, uh-huh, the cookie, uh-huh, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your a...
-B-
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Oh, Sure, Play The Race Card
Welcome to the BLACK Friday edition of Thinking Hard (posted two days after the fact). We here at TH know it can be difficult finding that unique gift for that special someone, so we put together a small Holiday Gift Guide to help you:
For the person with eyes as big as their stomach...but not as big as their mouth:
Might I suggest HAM? Oh, but don't toss it directly at their mouth...especially if they're looking away:
She might require nasal surgery! Did you hear how she was talking after she was hit??? She had this high-pitched southern...wait, sorry, what?...that's how she NORMALLY talks?...and they gave her a TV SHOW?...huh. To be fair, she probably would have caught the ham in her mouth, but she likes to put about 13 sticks of butter on her ham first (a baker's dozen).
For the person who seems to have everything, except a TV show:
How about a ticket to the State Dinner at the White House? In fact, just show up. You don't even have to be on the guest list. Like that couple trying to get on the new Bravo show "The Real Housewives of D.C." (side note: SERIOUSLY, BRAVO???) Now they're shopping their "first broadcast interview" to all the major networks...first one to pay 6-figures gets the interview. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? They didn't pay $100,000+ to hear what the PRESIDENT had to say...
Not a big fan of politics? Then can I suggest a trip to New Jersey, where MTV is getting ready for their new "Jersey Shore" show...wait, I'm just getting word that a group of italian-americans wants the show OFF the air before it even premieres! Yes, the group says the show relies on crude stereotypes of italians cursing and committing violent acts. Seriously...do they WATCH "The Real World"? Apparently not: the group accuses MTV of putting on "trash television." Do they just not have CABLE?
For the alcoholic named Uncle Rick:
A New York City tavern has cooked up the nation's first 100-proof turkey! The owner infused with fruit-flavored and 100-proof Georgi vodka for three days before cooking it. Sure, you say, the alcohol would burn off. But wait: there's vodka in the gravy too! Fuck tryptophan...I want to pass out DRUNK from my turkey!
For the Fox News employee in your family:
How about a memo from corporate saying "STOP FUCKING IT UP!" Yes, after the well-documented (especially here) video-editing blunders as of late on Fox News, corporate sent a memo to its employees saying it will now be under a "zero tolerance" policy for on-air errors. You make an error or you're part of the error chain, you get a write-up, possible suspension and maybe even FIRED. In an unrelated note, Jon Stewart announced "The Daily Show" will now be shortened to ten minutes.
Finally, for the FABULOUS people you know:
Tickets to an Adam Lambert concert. They'll apparently LOVE it, especially after he kissed a male dancer during a performance at the American Music Awards. ABC got about 1,500 complaint calls (1,499 from upset parents...and 1 from a guy calling from prison who complained the performance wasn't long enough and could an operator breathe heavily into the phone for about 2 more minutes), so Good Morning America cancelled a performance by Lambert. Maybe they were also worried about the point where he grinded (ground?) his crotch into a male dancer's face onstage. You know we've come full circle when this blog both starts AND ends with someone taking pork in the face.
-B-
For the person with eyes as big as their stomach...but not as big as their mouth:
Might I suggest HAM? Oh, but don't toss it directly at their mouth...especially if they're looking away:
She might require nasal surgery! Did you hear how she was talking after she was hit??? She had this high-pitched southern...wait, sorry, what?...that's how she NORMALLY talks?...and they gave her a TV SHOW?...huh. To be fair, she probably would have caught the ham in her mouth, but she likes to put about 13 sticks of butter on her ham first (a baker's dozen).
For the person who seems to have everything, except a TV show:
How about a ticket to the State Dinner at the White House? In fact, just show up. You don't even have to be on the guest list. Like that couple trying to get on the new Bravo show "The Real Housewives of D.C." (side note: SERIOUSLY, BRAVO???) Now they're shopping their "first broadcast interview" to all the major networks...first one to pay 6-figures gets the interview. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? They didn't pay $100,000+ to hear what the PRESIDENT had to say...
Not a big fan of politics? Then can I suggest a trip to New Jersey, where MTV is getting ready for their new "Jersey Shore" show...wait, I'm just getting word that a group of italian-americans wants the show OFF the air before it even premieres! Yes, the group says the show relies on crude stereotypes of italians cursing and committing violent acts. Seriously...do they WATCH "The Real World"? Apparently not: the group accuses MTV of putting on "trash television." Do they just not have CABLE?
For the alcoholic named Uncle Rick:
A New York City tavern has cooked up the nation's first 100-proof turkey! The owner infused with fruit-flavored and 100-proof Georgi vodka for three days before cooking it. Sure, you say, the alcohol would burn off. But wait: there's vodka in the gravy too! Fuck tryptophan...I want to pass out DRUNK from my turkey!
For the Fox News employee in your family:
How about a memo from corporate saying "STOP FUCKING IT UP!" Yes, after the well-documented (especially here) video-editing blunders as of late on Fox News, corporate sent a memo to its employees saying it will now be under a "zero tolerance" policy for on-air errors. You make an error or you're part of the error chain, you get a write-up, possible suspension and maybe even FIRED. In an unrelated note, Jon Stewart announced "The Daily Show" will now be shortened to ten minutes.
Finally, for the FABULOUS people you know:
Tickets to an Adam Lambert concert. They'll apparently LOVE it, especially after he kissed a male dancer during a performance at the American Music Awards. ABC got about 1,500 complaint calls (1,499 from upset parents...and 1 from a guy calling from prison who complained the performance wasn't long enough and could an operator breathe heavily into the phone for about 2 more minutes), so Good Morning America cancelled a performance by Lambert. Maybe they were also worried about the point where he grinded (ground?) his crotch into a male dancer's face onstage. You know we've come full circle when this blog both starts AND ends with someone taking pork in the face.
-B-
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Holy Shit, What The Hell Happened To Wayne Newton's Face???
Yes, it's time for the newest segment here on Thinking Hard, "Holy Shit, What The Hell Happened To Wayne Newton's Face???":
Seriously? It looks like Kathie Lee sang into the right side of his face and the grimace he made froze! He looks like he's still half asleep and just can't quite open that eye. He should not tell his plastic surgeon "Danke Schoen," unless the meaning of "Danke Schoen" has recently changed to "No, that's okay...I really didn't like my face anyway."
Little business to take care of here...the Bad First Dates Blog has been removed from the "Friends of the Show," quite frankly because there hadn't been an update in four months. In its place, please welcome "Whitewater Wishes," a collection of pictures, videos and thoughts on the beautiful and exciting sport of whitewater rafting/kayaking/walking by new Thinking Hard reader James Capozzi. Welcome, James. I'd go rafting more often, but the sound of rushing water makes my bladder excited.
So, next week's Thanksgiving. Happy early Thanksgiving (and the ensuing Black Friday madness) to you and yours. That means that the cold winter months are right around the corner. Looking for that perfect thing to keep the homefires burning? Yep, Sarah Palin's memoir came out this week. It's called "How I Learned To Drivel"...wait, it's NOT?...that's TOTALLY what I told the publisher to print on it...anyway, it's a great chance for Palin to get back into the mainstream liberal media that she's loves so muc...WHAT? She HATES it??? Then why in the hell is she...oh, that's right...she's unemployed...and looking at a presidential bid?...but if she cost McCain HIS presidential chances, what makes her think...oh, that's sad...retardation must be hereditary. Apparently, though, she was drawing BIG crowds for her book signings:
Oh, wait, that's video of her during McCain's presidential campaign last year. Yup, look at those crowds. Anyway, here's what Jon Stewart had to say about the book:
(By the way, wait until you see the reception Stewart gave Lou Dobbs in the same show...that's coming up...)
My thoughts: Wait, Fox News has a contributor named PETER JOHNSON...JUNIOR??? That's hilarious! That's what I call my...wait, never mind.
Speaking of Fox News and onions, Suzanne Sena anchored for Fox News between 2006 and 2008, but now, her job is to INTENTIONALLY sound like an idiot as Ana Gentry:
Hey, were you waiting to catch a morning flight this week...and waited...and waited? Turns out there was a computer error with the FAA that kept hundreds of flights on the ground. That's right, a COMPUTER ERROR did what it took FOUR CRASHED FLIGHTS and A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS to do in 2001: GROUNDED FLIGHTS! Seriously, fuck terrorists...we can screw ourselves over just as easily. That reminds me...they just upgraded my computer system at work. Hope THAT doesn't cra*
*ofabitch Glenn Beck is just waiting to push that RED BUTTON next week! You wait...you'll see I'm right. Tell your friends.
Hey, here's something I want you to watch now or come back to later and watch. Jon Stewart had Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, on The Daily Show this week to talk about Dobbs leaving CNN and whether it had anything to do with his anti-immigration talk or suggestions that President Obama wasn't even born in this country. As always, I love Jon Stewart (it's in 2 parts):
Hey, you like music? You like going to concerts where the performers shout the name of your city/state/ethnic group? Yeah, so did the people watching Bruce Springsteen last week. Keep in mind, he's performing at the Palace of Auburn Hills in MICHIGAN:
Eventually, one of his bandmembers whispered in his ear that they were performing in Michigan. Springsteen said "Oh, I'm sorry you guys! I probably would've kept on saying OHIO all night if not for the members of the F-STREET BAND! Let's give 'em a hand!"
Finally, having trouble relating to teens? Then let Taylor Swift do it for you. She's putting out a line of GREETING CARDS through American Greetings. I have a couple hear that she sent out for early promotions...
"Hope you enjoy your beautiful wedding day. (open to inside) Let's hope you didn't invite Kanye."
"Happy birthday, girlfriend! Boys can never OWN US! (open to inside) Especially those sonsabitches you break up with you on your cell phone who you thought were cute but now you just can't stand because they're performing with their stupid brothers who you THOUGHT were on your side, but they're just a bunch of bastards, just like every man named JONAS."
Huh...I wish she would just open up and talk about her feelings...
Happy Thanksgiving!
-B-
Seriously? It looks like Kathie Lee sang into the right side of his face and the grimace he made froze! He looks like he's still half asleep and just can't quite open that eye. He should not tell his plastic surgeon "Danke Schoen," unless the meaning of "Danke Schoen" has recently changed to "No, that's okay...I really didn't like my face anyway."
Little business to take care of here...the Bad First Dates Blog has been removed from the "Friends of the Show," quite frankly because there hadn't been an update in four months. In its place, please welcome "Whitewater Wishes," a collection of pictures, videos and thoughts on the beautiful and exciting sport of whitewater rafting/kayaking/walking by new Thinking Hard reader James Capozzi. Welcome, James. I'd go rafting more often, but the sound of rushing water makes my bladder excited.
So, next week's Thanksgiving. Happy early Thanksgiving (and the ensuing Black Friday madness) to you and yours. That means that the cold winter months are right around the corner. Looking for that perfect thing to keep the homefires burning? Yep, Sarah Palin's memoir came out this week. It's called "How I Learned To Drivel"...wait, it's NOT?...that's TOTALLY what I told the publisher to print on it...anyway, it's a great chance for Palin to get back into the mainstream liberal media that she's loves so muc...WHAT? She HATES it??? Then why in the hell is she...oh, that's right...she's unemployed...and looking at a presidential bid?...but if she cost McCain HIS presidential chances, what makes her think...oh, that's sad...retardation must be hereditary. Apparently, though, she was drawing BIG crowds for her book signings:
Oh, wait, that's video of her during McCain's presidential campaign last year. Yup, look at those crowds. Anyway, here's what Jon Stewart had to say about the book:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Daily Show: The Rogue Warrior | ||||
| ||||
(By the way, wait until you see the reception Stewart gave Lou Dobbs in the same show...that's coming up...)
My thoughts: Wait, Fox News has a contributor named PETER JOHNSON...JUNIOR??? That's hilarious! That's what I call my...wait, never mind.
Speaking of Fox News and onions, Suzanne Sena anchored for Fox News between 2006 and 2008, but now, her job is to INTENTIONALLY sound like an idiot as Ana Gentry:
Hey, were you waiting to catch a morning flight this week...and waited...and waited? Turns out there was a computer error with the FAA that kept hundreds of flights on the ground. That's right, a COMPUTER ERROR did what it took FOUR CRASHED FLIGHTS and A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS to do in 2001: GROUNDED FLIGHTS! Seriously, fuck terrorists...we can screw ourselves over just as easily. That reminds me...they just upgraded my computer system at work. Hope THAT doesn't cra*
*ofabitch Glenn Beck is just waiting to push that RED BUTTON next week! You wait...you'll see I'm right. Tell your friends.
Hey, here's something I want you to watch now or come back to later and watch. Jon Stewart had Lou Dobbs, formerly of CNN, on The Daily Show this week to talk about Dobbs leaving CNN and whether it had anything to do with his anti-immigration talk or suggestions that President Obama wasn't even born in this country. As always, I love Jon Stewart (it's in 2 parts):
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Exclusive - Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 1 | ||||
| ||||
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Exclusive - Lou Dobbs Extended Interview Pt. 2 | ||||
| ||||
Hey, you like music? You like going to concerts where the performers shout the name of your city/state/ethnic group? Yeah, so did the people watching Bruce Springsteen last week. Keep in mind, he's performing at the Palace of Auburn Hills in MICHIGAN:
Eventually, one of his bandmembers whispered in his ear that they were performing in Michigan. Springsteen said "Oh, I'm sorry you guys! I probably would've kept on saying OHIO all night if not for the members of the F-STREET BAND! Let's give 'em a hand!"
Finally, having trouble relating to teens? Then let Taylor Swift do it for you. She's putting out a line of GREETING CARDS through American Greetings. I have a couple hear that she sent out for early promotions...
"Hope you enjoy your beautiful wedding day. (open to inside) Let's hope you didn't invite Kanye."
"Happy birthday, girlfriend! Boys can never OWN US! (open to inside) Especially those sonsabitches you break up with you on your cell phone who you thought were cute but now you just can't stand because they're performing with their stupid brothers who you THOUGHT were on your side, but they're just a bunch of bastards, just like every man named JONAS."
Huh...I wish she would just open up and talk about her feelings...
Happy Thanksgiving!
-B-
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I Blow'd Up Them Terrorists Good
Glad you could be with me for this installment of Thinking Hard. I'm also glad I could tear myself away from the video game that shattered sales records this week, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Here's the premise: you kill terrorists and save the world. You kill terrorists from a gun turret in Afghanistan. You kill terrorists on the rooftops of the slums of Rio de Janeiro (hey, I can see Olympic stadium from here!), and you kill terrorists while in a high-speed SNOWMOBILE CHASE. Also, there's apparently some level that the media doesn't like whereyouplayasaterroristandkilldozensofinnocentsatanairport... Wait, WHAT??? You play AS A TERRORIST??? You play AS A soldier-from-America-who's-undercover-with-a-bunch-of-russian-terrorists-in-an-effort-to-stop-an-even-larger-scale-attack TERRORIST??? That's SO UN-AMERICAN!! I mean, it's not like it's a quick level that ends with that particular character being shot in the head by the russians who already know he's undercover...in a level players can choose to SKIP altogether. Oh, wait, yes it is. But hey, I'm not going to complain about the media. The more bitching they do, the more hype and the more game sales. Remember all the hubbub of "hey, you can't smack a hooker around after you've had your way with her just to get your money back" from Grand Theft Auto 3? Yeah, that didn't stop the following FIVE SEQUELS from being some of the biggest-selling games of all time. I wonder if they asked Eliot "Stop Calling Me 'Swallow'" Spitzer for HIS thoughts on the game.
While we're talking about the media, let me extend a hearty congratulations to CNN's Lou Dobbs, who announced this week his immediate departure from his prime-time program to "pursue other interests." Wow, with all of his anti-immigrant, anti-Obama talk on his program, I can't IMAGINE what cable network he'll show up on next. Wait, what's this? I shit you not...he's going on O'Reilly's show Monday night. Maybe there'll be a spot for him on ANOTHER Fox talk show that could easily be renamed "Glenn and Scary's." Maybe they'll consider putting out ice cream flavors. Probably all vanilla.
More on Fox in a moment, but former beauty pageant whore and current MEDIA whore Carrie Prejean is doing a talk show circuit for her new autobiography (isn't she, like, 20???). But it's been overshadowed by talk that the reason she dropped her lawsuit against the folks at the Miss California pageant is that they had a sex tape on her! Y'know, there are some sex tapes I just don't care to see (like Tommy Lee's junk just to see Pam Anderson naked), but in this case, I could make an exception. Miss Prejean told NBC's Meredith Viera that she didn't need to "phone a friend"...the "sex tape" is a SOLO act she made for her boyfriend at the time. (cue the song "All By Myself") She didn't have a problem answering THAT question, but for some reason, she thought THIS was inappropriate:
That's only slightly less awkward television than that time she talked about "opposite marriage"...and that South Carolina chick talking about giving maps to children in South Africa or WHATEVER the fuck that chick was talking about. Or MTV doing a reality series on the guidos at the beaches of New Jersey. I WISH I was kidding. Or the announcement this week of a NEW "Charlie's Angels" coming to television. The creators say it will be for the "new generation of viewers who also remember the original from the late 1970s." You'll have to pardon me...I think my brain just ruptured.
While we're talking about shoddy television, there was a little problem with a story on Fox News this week. Can you spot it before Jon Stewart points it out?:
I wonder how Fox responded to that...
A high school in Massachusetts this week banned ANOTHER 4-letter word...Meep. Yes, meep. The thing that Beaker from The Muppet Show always says. Meep. Students apparently used Facebook to set up a disruption in classes using the word. Now, to recap: students said "Meep" so much in class, the school banned the word. Are you meeping kidding me?
Speaking of people with too much free time, apparently vaccuming with a Roomba is too easy and not exciting enough, so a group of guys did THIS:
You'd have to be on drugs to do that...or want some drugs really bad. Like the guy in Bessemer City, North Carolina, who's accused of trading his mother's silver Honda Accord for SIXTY DOLLARS worth of crack cocaine. $60! For a Honda Accord! Apparently the government started a new program called "Cash for Crunkers."
And let's wrap this up like we started it...with a very special look at video games:
That's surveillance video of a cab robbery in New York on Halloween night. Police say the victim survived the attack and could only tell them they were "looking for the best mushrooms" and "arguing about why the guy in the red was always the one who got to nail the 'princess.'"
Meep off.
-B-
While we're talking about the media, let me extend a hearty congratulations to CNN's Lou Dobbs, who announced this week his immediate departure from his prime-time program to "pursue other interests." Wow, with all of his anti-immigrant, anti-Obama talk on his program, I can't IMAGINE what cable network he'll show up on next. Wait, what's this? I shit you not...he's going on O'Reilly's show Monday night. Maybe there'll be a spot for him on ANOTHER Fox talk show that could easily be renamed "Glenn and Scary's." Maybe they'll consider putting out ice cream flavors. Probably all vanilla.
More on Fox in a moment, but former beauty pageant whore and current MEDIA whore Carrie Prejean is doing a talk show circuit for her new autobiography (isn't she, like, 20???). But it's been overshadowed by talk that the reason she dropped her lawsuit against the folks at the Miss California pageant is that they had a sex tape on her! Y'know, there are some sex tapes I just don't care to see (like Tommy Lee's junk just to see Pam Anderson naked), but in this case, I could make an exception. Miss Prejean told NBC's Meredith Viera that she didn't need to "phone a friend"...the "sex tape" is a SOLO act she made for her boyfriend at the time. (cue the song "All By Myself") She didn't have a problem answering THAT question, but for some reason, she thought THIS was inappropriate:
That's only slightly less awkward television than that time she talked about "opposite marriage"...and that South Carolina chick talking about giving maps to children in South Africa or WHATEVER the fuck that chick was talking about. Or MTV doing a reality series on the guidos at the beaches of New Jersey. I WISH I was kidding. Or the announcement this week of a NEW "Charlie's Angels" coming to television. The creators say it will be for the "new generation of viewers who also remember the original from the late 1970s." You'll have to pardon me...I think my brain just ruptured.
While we're talking about shoddy television, there was a little problem with a story on Fox News this week. Can you spot it before Jon Stewart points it out?:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Sean Hannity Uses Glenn Beck's Protest Footage | ||||
| ||||
I wonder how Fox responded to that...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Sean Hannity Apologizes to Jon | ||||
| ||||
A high school in Massachusetts this week banned ANOTHER 4-letter word...Meep. Yes, meep. The thing that Beaker from The Muppet Show always says. Meep. Students apparently used Facebook to set up a disruption in classes using the word. Now, to recap: students said "Meep" so much in class, the school banned the word. Are you meeping kidding me?
Speaking of people with too much free time, apparently vaccuming with a Roomba is too easy and not exciting enough, so a group of guys did THIS:
You'd have to be on drugs to do that...or want some drugs really bad. Like the guy in Bessemer City, North Carolina, who's accused of trading his mother's silver Honda Accord for SIXTY DOLLARS worth of crack cocaine. $60! For a Honda Accord! Apparently the government started a new program called "Cash for Crunkers."
And let's wrap this up like we started it...with a very special look at video games:
That's surveillance video of a cab robbery in New York on Halloween night. Police say the victim survived the attack and could only tell them they were "looking for the best mushrooms" and "arguing about why the guy in the red was always the one who got to nail the 'princess.'"
Meep off.
-B-
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