The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

But waiting is SOOOOO worth it, especially when I have an assortment of internet goodies for you.

Welcome back, returning guests, to Thinking Hard. I'm your host. And let's start today with President Obama making yet ANOTHER defense of his Obamacare plan. No, you haven't accidentally stumbled onto a political blog. This time, he was firmly "planted" Between Two Ferns.

Y'know, I wasn't a fan of The Hangover, but Between Two Ferns is okay with me. Now to a special note for the Fresno, California, CBS station...um, make sure you're knocking on the right door for an early morning giveaway. At least the Publishers Clearing House folks get it right most of the time (but they keep missing MY door).



Hey, you remember when that entertainment reporter who confused Samuel L. Jackson and Laurence Fishburne? I love that he precedes the clip by saying "It's because he didn't know it was me." Don't worry dude, he probably just confused you with that OTHER white entertainment guy...y'know, Roger Ebert.



Want to know how I plan to spend my last day at work? Telling people it's my last day at work. Like this chick on Russia Today...



Now to our health report...

Finally, a news helicopter crashed shortly after taking off from a Seattle TV station. It's a scary thing, as I've been in a news helicopter before. It seems pretty cool until you realize there's nothing under you to save you in a crash. Still, I think this station covering the story might have wanted NOT to take a live stream of Twitter pics...



See? Even Edward Scissorhands doesn't like it.

-B-

You KNOW It's Gonna Be A Good Day...DOUBLE BLOOPER!!!

Okay, first, fuck Justin Bieber's jailhouse video. He could be moonwalking and falling all over the place and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! Put him where he belongs...Dancing with the Stars or The Bachelor.

Now that I've gotten THAT out of the way...IT'S A GREAT DAY! Reason 1...



Oh shit yeah! Reason 2...a reporter in cold evening temperatures grabs her own snot with her lower lip! I wish this could be viewed better. I want slo-mo...like the Zapruder film...



Happy Friday!

-B-

Well Ain't That Just A Mutha...Nature

Hey, welcome back to the defrosted Thinking Hard blog. The offices were filled with several inches of snow last week...and because North Carolina only owns about 3 snowplows, it's a wonder I even got back to my apartment from work. Seriously. My complex didn't shovel or scrape or anything. It's a good thing I don't live on a hill...oh, wait...

I know I've been kinda lax lately with the blogging and such. Sorry. My personal life abounds with busyness...or is that business? Anyway, I'd like to point out the passing of Hollywood legend Sid Caesar. His show was essentially the precursor to Saturday Night Live...with OR without a black woman in the cast. Also, I don't know if you caught that Philip Seymour Hoffman passed. I think WABC in New York is still a little confused...

Remember, kids, ALWAYS check the spelling of your tweets. Hey, a quick shout out to Jimmy Fallon, who started his (hopefully not brief) stint as Tonight Show host last night. He had a lot of cameos, including Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey and Stephen Colbert, who welcomed him "to 11:30, bitch!" Hope it goes well for you Jimmy! I'm also looking forward to Seth Meyers taking over the 12:30am spot. He's pretty funny and seems like a nice enough dude.

Hey, back to the snow. You remember the debacle a couple weeks ago in Atlanta where the roads were just piled upon by white shit? Well, folks there claimed to be prepared, but local TV stations wanted to make SURE people understood they could be stuck on the roads again and what a terrible situation it could be. I'm sure this cost someone their job, but this is probably most informative graphic I have EVER seen on a TV station...

I would also have added "Fuck you if you think you're going out in this shit, young man/woman!" Speaking of, I saw Dallas Buyers Club...Jared Leto is REALLY good as a cross dresser. And it's a really good movie. I liked it more than I expected. You should check it out. As for me, I'm out. No, not like Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club. Just outta here. Stay warm!

-B-

Sooo...It's Snowing

Yup. So there's that.

Hey, do you know who Samuel L. Jackson is? Y'know, Pulp Fiction? "Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?" "Go ahead, say 'What' one more time, mother fucker, I DARE you!" Yeah, that guy. Ummm...this entertainment anchor from LOS FUCKING ANGELES had a slight problem...and Sammy called him out HARDCORE. This. Is. Epic.



I love Sam Jackson. And Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel. I hear he's a dick to work with sometimes. But THIS? This is SOOOOO worth it.



Hey, kid, Ninja Tip #23...DON'T SCREAM WHILE YOU'RE RUNNING AT SOMEONE YOU'RE TRYING TO SURPRISE. You're pretty much just ASKING for a knee to the junk. Speaking of knees to the junk, I have a 12-hour shift of snow coverage coming up...and a hotel stay that will keep me from my apartment. Gotta jet.

-B-

Why Is It So Damn Cold?

A quick note to all you "the cold weather disproves global warming" nay-sayers...shut. the. fuck. up. Until you actually understand the science behind something you are NO LONGER allowed to "be the first to officially de-bunk global warming." Asses.

Hey, welcome back to the blog. Even you, Justin Bieber. Even you. So while I was out, a shitload of chemicals spilled into a river in West Virginia. The head of the company responsible for the aforementioned "tainting" decided to hold a news conference (while drinking crystal clear bottled water...because who drinks from the tap anymore, amiright?) He tried to dodge questions and leave the news conference. And then a reporter did something close to epic...



Now, to be fair to all of those people who HATE the media, this clip is for you. It follows last night's state of the union speech and the reporter is asking a congressman about campaign finance allegations. I'm only using Fox for this because it has good subtitles...and this is something you HAVE to be sure to read if you can't hear it...



How long until I have Rob Ford picking Grimm as a running mate for ANYTHING?

-B-

Well, There's Always 2015

Happy 2014, Hard Thinkers. I hope you had a safe and wonderful New Year. But there are already some people having their worst start ever for a year. And no, I'm not talking about Chris Christie and the dolts that have nicknamed his current scandal "Bridgate." No, I'm talking about people like this woman on Fox's New Year's Eve bash:



Actually, I think SHE was having a blast. Him? Probably wishing he was anywhere else right then. But hey, it's 2014, so we're gonna fuck shit up. Like the Transformers franchise. Remember how the first movie was all cool and stuff? And then the second one was okay but we didn't want to admit it might have some sucky parts? And then the third one? And now the FOURTH one? Seriously, is Bumblebee gonna be the next co-star in the "Fast and Furious" movies??? Anyway, Michael Bay is...well, Michael Bay. He's gonna direct shit whether you like it or not. And he's gonna bang Megan Fox whether humanity likes it or not (KIDDING! There's zero proof that the two of them ever hooked up...it's just funny. Just with the jokes, people.). One would assume he's able to sit there and shoot the shit about things like movies and TVs and which TVs are best to show his epic movies. That's what Samsung thought too. Samsung thought he should bullshit on a stage about how cool its new curved TVs are. Samsung thought it would be a ringing endorsement by a big Hollywood director that the news media would LOVE and put all over the news for some free press. Samsung got it PARTIALLY right. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Michael Bay's latest offering, a clip I like to call "How I Shit The Bed"...



That dude is having a TERRIBLE start to 2014. He DOES like to take people on an emotional ride, though. This time, I was feeling horror, then shock, then confusion, then humor, then schadenfreude. But that's funny...that's the same reaction I have to some of his movies. I walk right out in embarrassment.

Here's another couple of guys who started off 2014 to a shitty start. They broke into a home. The home of a TV news photographer. With a camera. That's turned on. Also, a special shout-out to good friend Linzi Sheldon. It's nice to see she's doing well in the Pacific Northwest. Anyway, check this out...



Also starting the year off with a shitty time? People living anywhere in the eastern 2/3 of the United States. It's fucking COLD this week! And snowy! But mostly record-breaking COLD! So cold, people are trying an idiotic stunt of trying to throw boiling water in the air and watching it turn to vapor. Which some idiots are burning themselves with. Morons. Anyway, here's one example of a news station trying to urge people to be morons...



Finally, these guys are having a bad start to their year...or good, depending on how hard you laugh. The guy on the right is the brother of friend-of-the-show Bridget. This is only slightly LESS awkward than Michael Bay on the Samsung stage...



Anyway, however you started 2014, I hope it was good, but I hope the end of the year is even better. All the best!

-B-

Having A Cool Yule

This installment of Thinking Hard is all about a couple of presents from us at TH to you. I know, I know...don't thank us now. You can just send us a "late Christmas present" in cash.

If this is your first visit to TH, welcome. I encourage you to check out the entire year's worth of blogs (probably about 50 or so) because they're usually pretty entertaining. Sometimes. Okay, once in a while. But those of you who have stuck with the blog through the whole year know we strive to bring you some of the better video on the interwebs that you generally might not see anywhere else. No, no Miley Cyrus twerking here. Fuck that shit. No, you get local news fuck-ups, like the anchor who started his very first broadcast at his new station with the words "Fucking shit." Yes it's been a glorious year FULL of news bloopers...some of them seen here, others we might have missed. The researchers responsible for those have been fired. Twice. So, here it is, a year in review of some of the best news bloopers of 2013...



Y'know, one of the best things about working in TV news is being able to work in the station in onesie pajamas. I know, I know, they might seem passé, but they're making a comeback. Don't believe me? Check out this North Carolina guy's holiday greeting video.



Hey, there was a big UFC title fight last night. Had to be stopped because one competitor BROKE HIS SHIN during the fight! And I mean BROKE it. Like it bent 90 degrees against the other dude's leg. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to skip this video. If not, check this shit out...



It reminds me of a wrestling pay-per-view many years ago (late 90's-early 2000's) when one guy was just jumping off the top rope, landed funny, and his leg broke on pay-per-view! It was crazy! Here, take a look...



And now it's time for a little reflection. 2013 has been a very interesting year. Nominated for an Emmy...didn't win. Tried to get a new job...didn't succeed. Reconnected with a very dear friend of mine...that's probably one thing that went right for me over the year. It just goes to show you that no matter what you plan going into the new year, it never quite works out how you expect. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But it's how we deal with those changes that shapes who we are on the inside. Makes us stronger in some cases. I think I was empowered by a line spoken by British actor Matt Smith: "Today's the day you save the world." Damn right it is. And with that, it's time to turn to a holiday classic. The holiday classic that didn't air on my local TV station, forcing me to work on Christmas morning. Yes, it's time for the Yule Log. You know the video...it shows for hours on TV stations and is literally JUST video of a fire burning in a fireplace. Usually it's accompanied by Christmas songs. This year, things are a little different. This year, it's got a cat with asthma called Lil Bub (cute as can be...and his tongue sticks out because he's missing teeth). If you need an hour of joy, this is it. Especially early on in the clip when it looks like he looks at the fire, then off-camera as if to say "Um, you guys know there's a FIRE back there, right??? Shouldn't someone be doing something about that???" So, I leave you with a Lil Bub Yule Log and the best wishes for a 2014 that is all that you hope for...and never more than you can handle. Peace to you all.



-B-

Have Yourself A Melee Little Christmas

Seriously, Kentucky shoppers??? You gotta be all fighting THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS??? That's like an automatic FIVE pieces of coal in your stocking...for the next ten years!

Hey, welcome to your Christmas present...a mid-week Thinking Hard. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate it, Happy Kwanzaa to those who celebrate it, and Happy Celebration Of Liberal-Bashing to those at Fox News who quietly celebrate it. They'd send their own greetings, but they're off fighting the war on Christmas.

Hey, wanna know what gets a news anchor FIRED from a station in Wichita, Kansas? On a Saturday night? And keeps him from getting ANOTHER JOB he had lined up? It's the last 6 words (7 if you like "outta" is better as "out of") in this clip...



Perhaps when he said "Let's get the fuck outta here," he meant "my career in news." Poor guy. Lesson #1 in news...if you have a microphone on, ALWAYS assume that it is turned on.

However, there were some other embarrassing moments in local news in the last couple of weeks. Take this brilliant blonde killjoy from a station in Raleigh. Perhaps she should have called out "SPOILER ALERT!"...



Is that meteorologist going for her jugular??? Awesome! Santa approves! But that's not all. How about we all just air the same script that comes to us from CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC or Fox? All around the nation? That way no one misses out!



Hey, lazy producers, it's okay if you go fuck yourselves too. Santa does NOT approve! And then there's the tweet sent out by the sports director of a station in Oklahoma City. It read “Happy we are the melting pot. Will be happier …if ppl who pour into our pot & sell me fuel & Milk Duds find time to learn our language.” I'm betting someone's gonna find Milk Duds in his fuel. More coal! Santa disapproval!

DUCK! Perhaps you heard about Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty "fame" speaking about why he thinks gays are just wrong. He told GQ magazine (also, a quick "fuck you" to GQ magazine for thinking Robertson should be interviewed. What, George Zimmerman too busy? Santa does NOT approve in principle!) "It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical." I believe by "more to offer," he meant in hillbilly-ese that "she can cook in the kitchen and clean clothes and birth babies all day." I wonder how he feels about a WOMAN'S anus. Maybe he thinks it smells like roses? Anyway, A&E thought enough to boot him from the show. Well, A&E, you're halfway there...now about the SHOW...

Finally, there's the Bloomberg (that's the money reporting folks) TV anchor who thought it would be interesting to give his co-anchors $20 in "bitcoin" last week. For those of you who aren't following it, bitcoin is the latest virtual currency that's starting to be used to buy stuff online and in actual stores and restaurants. A QR code is used to access the money. Which is why some greedy folks IMMEDIATELY jumped on their smartphones when the anchor SHOWED THE QR CODE ON TV!!! It's amazing how quickly 20 bucks can disappear into the interwebs. Seriously dude. That's like putting your credit card number AND security code on TV. I mean, I guess I could understand how you could make that mistake...IF YOU DIDN'T WORK AT BLOOMBERG!!! Santa disapproves HEAVILY!...but appreciates the 20 bucks.

Hey, thanks for coming back for this Christmas edition of Thinking Hard. I hope you and your loved ones are well and stay that way this holiday season. Cheers!

-B-

For Nelson Mandela

Actually, to be honest, I know Mr. Mandela never read Thinking Hard when he was alive, so all I can really do to pay tribute to him is be my usual funny and snarky self. This one's for you, Nel-Man. (that's what I always called him in my letters to him...can't imagine why he never wrote back). Actually, let's do this memoriam right, and for that, I go to a news station in Detroit. Of COURSE it's Detroit:

Did you look closely at the picture of "Mandela" in the bottom left hand corner? I knew it! Mandela's been roiding and A-Rod has been masquerading as a peaceful world leader! J'accuse!

By the way, did you know it's getting colder? Ice on the roads? Snow falling from the sky? Hey, here's a tip from a local news station in Minneapolis...don't become the lead story:



Having grown up in Iowa, Midwest roads during the winter weather season are not fun to experience. To WATCH, yes. To EXPERIENCE, no.

Well that's all the brevity I have for this week. Hey, next weekend I'm taking my annual Christmas trip to Chicago to see the family. As always, I'll try to blog while I'm gone, but I make no promises. I might be out for two weekends, but keep checking back. If I don't blog at you before Christmas, have the happiest of holidays and do NOT give out the fruit cake. The fruit cake is a bullshit present for people that you don't know how to shop for...at which point, they'd really rather have a gift card.

-B-

Dear Mr. Baldwin, Would You Like To Work For Thinking Hard?

I know, I'm late or early, depending on how you want to view it. It's the holidays. I'm full of tryptophan. And I can't understand why all of my snow-covered patio furniture pictures aren't making it on my local TV station...



Yeah, people, fuck you. If we as local TV stations are gonna put out the request for your shitty-ass pictures, the least you can do is have the common decency not to be a lazy fucking ho-bag and go OUTSIDE and take pictures of your crappy patio furniture. Because, y'know, we just don't have time to take shitty-ass pictures of snow outside. Hey, we only have a couple of cameras and people barely competent enough to use them...what are we, miracle workers?

Hey it's Black Friday. On the competition this morning, viewers saw shoppers clamoring to get into a local mall. On our station, video from the same local mall showed...a couple people here, a couple people there, just casually wandering in. I wonder if we missed anything.

I don't really have anything else besides Alec Baldwin getting tossed from MSNBC. When the network announced he was getting his own talk show after all of the bad publicity he'd been getting for going after the paparazzi, I really wondered if it was just a ratings stunt. And now he's gone. So I imagine we'll see him with his own podcast or online talk show. Maybe MSNBC could book Stephen...he seems like less of a troublemaker. Also, my 15-years-ago self just had an aneurysm at that statement.

-B-

Worse Mayor...Toronto's Rob Ford or Detroit's Kwame Kilpatrick?

At least Kwame didn't get a reality show before he left office and headed for jail.

What's up, peeps? Welcome back to a Sunday edition of Thinking Hard. I was just in Rome, Georgia, last night for an independent wrestling show. Funniest thing I saw? No, it wasn't the midget wrestler standing next to my 6'4" brother-in-law. It was the tag team called "The Movement"...who, for some reason, thought it made sense to put the team name on their ass. I hear they're facing the team of "Colonic Backup" next week.

Hey, didja know it was Rev. Billy Graham's 95th birthday? Didja? DIDJA? I only say it like that because I live in North Carolina where EVERYONE is clamoring to be up the elder Graham's ass. Fox News especially. Donald Trump attended the party. Greta Van Susterenenenenen also spoke. But my favorite part? The fact that the drivers of the buses bringing people to the event clearly aren't looking where they're going...much like other elderly people. Watch this reporter's expression after a bus almost backs into him...



Bus drivers. Psh.

Need something to disturb your brain? Check out this link of adults recreating childhood photos. Adults in diapers ahoy.

Speaking of diapers and poop humor, you might have seen the latest Thor movie that came out last week. The fabled god from the mythical realm of Asgard returns to Earth yadda yadda. Well, a major advertiser posted a great tweet about the movie this week...and simultaneously disappointed me that I didn't think of this first:

OMG! Butt joke FTW! I think I'm gonn-ass-wipe that joke. No?

Finally, let's wrap this on a good note. I don't usually (read: EVER) go for stories like this, but I fell in love with this one. Young kid fighting leukemia makes a wish with the foundation of the same name...and just wants to be Batman. So the city of San Francisco gets a shitload of THOUSANDS of volunteers to make his wish come true. Heck, even BEFORE the exciting day, a media agency set up a Twitter account for "The Penguin" to "taunt" the "Batkid." This is such a special story, even overshadowing the asshole city leader in San Francisco who thought the money would have been better distributed to children on food stamps. You know what dude? Batman's gonna throw a batarang into your eye and then fuck your sister. Dick. Anyway, check this out...



Kinda brings a tear to my eye to watch a city come together like that. I can think of a lot of other cities who can learn from that.

-B-

I Know What You're Thinking

...Blaine, where have you been?

...Blaine, why didn't you post a blog last week?

...Blaine, I think my baby is yours. Would you take this paternity test?

Ladies, ladies, ladies...and a couple of gentlemen...allow me to note that I'm still alive and kicking. Just had a long weekend last weekend and it didn't allow for any posting. So here I am, a day early (or 6 days late...your pick), to bring you my hard thoughts of the week...and there aren't many.

First, let me say that I want to run for mayor of Toronto, Canada, but I don't do enough drugs.

Second, I really want to punch someone for THIS idea that apparently was considered "good enough for morning news viewers across the nation"...

The Daily Show
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Maybe they mean it's a FUCKable conversation? I mean, shit. That's just dumb. I could see if they wanted to walk to a cock. Or a croutch. Or a crotch (see also "cock," but allow the ladies). Or even a conch.



The conch has spoken. But seriously? A commercial to walk to the couch? Shit. My commercial for walking over the couch is a fart. Also, overheard in the newsroom this week: snorefart. Hash-tag that bitch.

Hey, did you hear about the latest issues with Obamacare? Makes me smile...

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Let's step away for just a moment to check out this poppin' new video from the band "Virgin Atlantic" called "Safety Video 2." Watch out, One Direction!



Finally today, a quick personal note. Intern Holly is leaving this weekend from the tree-filled hills of North Carolina to the crack-filled hills of Baltimore, Maryland. Holly makes me smile every day and I enjoy her wit, generally positive outlook...and her ability to interpret my incoherent scribbles on Draw Something (we're almost at a 1,000-drawing streak!). So, Holly, it's with a heavy heart that I say I hope you KILL IT in Baltimore and always remember there's a warm place for you to seek shelter here in Charlotte. Happy trails.

That's it, folks. Have a safe week. The countdown to the new Xbox and new Playstation is almost at an end.

-B-

Haunted

I find myself haunted this Halloween. Haunted by spirits of the dead. Those whose time has come and gone, yet they simply refuse to stay at rest. For example, this delightful interview with porn star Jenna Jameson. She's had many "strokes" in her film career, but it seemed like she had one on-air during a local TV interview in New York. Lesson: porn stars + live TV = viral video.

New York News

A source told the New York Post that Jameson stumbled into the green room and took a nap after the interview. Her spokesperson said she'd just had a long flight and was tired. Oh THAT explains her face.

I'm also haunted by bad decisions in local news. Tip: CNN provides many local news stations with a news/video feed. That feed often comes with a script that's already written out. Should be easy for producers to copy and paste. But it's a crutch. People should be able to tell the stories in their own voices. Sadly, some people still don't get it...



Actually, let's hit up Conan one more time for a spooky edition of "Clueless Gamer"...



I'm also haunted by idiot drivers. People who should not be on the road AT ALL. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. So let's go to Atlanta to see who has me frightened this week...



Honestly, the little bit of drool coming out of the driver's mouth gets me every time. I'm not just frightened on the road. I'm haunted at work. I'm scared I'll do something like THIS...



Investing also frightens me, especially with the idiots on Wall Street. And that includes the people COVERING Wall Street on CNBC.

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And finally, I'm scared of losing my job. But I'm hoping what causes me to be fired won't be NEARLY as epic as what caused a North Carolina politician HIS job...AFTER this interview.



The thing that could be scariest of all? If I run out of video to show on this blog. BOO! Happy Halloween.

-B-

So Now THAT'S Over...Right????

Welcome back to Thinking Hard as we COUNT down to Halloween! (get it? it's a Dracula pun...never mind) And it feels a little like "Trick or Treat" in Washington. This week, the "Treat" was that Congress pulled its head out of its collective ass and finally passed a bill to both end the federal shutdown AND avoid the debt ceiling deadline, which saved the country's credit rating. Yay, right? Not really. Because the bill only delays the issue until after the first of the year...when a NEW deadline is expected to be reached. And Congress STILL doesn't have its budget issues ironed out! What the fuck, Congress? Are you done crying for your MUMMY yet? (see what I did there? it's another Halloween season pun...ah, forget it) And that's not even the "Trick." The figurehead for a lot of the shutdown issues... the guy who spoke for SEVERAL hours and even quoted (in terrible fashion) Dr. Seuss...Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz...says, party be damned, he's heavily considering trying to shut down the government AGAIN! All to get rid of the program that he perceives (though is not directly quoted as saying...I acknowledge I'm putting words in his mouth here) Obamacare as the devil. Worse than the holocaust. Is responsible for the deaths of millions of people!...oh, wait, that's right, the only part of it that's taken effect so far is the SIGN UP!!! Chill! The! Fuck! Out! God forbid someone ELSE have an idea that might actually WORK! And if it doesn't??? Elect your guy into office in 2016 and have him/her (let's be honest...it's the republicans...so, "him") repeal it! It only works in your favor if the big O puts a huge plan into effect that fucks the democrats! You'll have NO PROBLEM coming up with campaign fundraising if the plan fails! But that's not the issue, is it? It's "What if this works?" You're concerned that a successful plan will make the Tea Party look like a bunch of backwoods morons who should go back to making moonshine in their bathtubs. Which means you'll lose support to a republican who might actually be interested in getting something DONE in Washington. But hey, Mr. Cruz, that's cool. Go back to your pet project of trying to get a republican elected in 2016 by shutting down the government. Go back to fucking the American people. Don't stop not thinking about tomorrow. Maybe at some point the American people will realize what you and several others on Capitol Hill are doing and vote you out of office. Actually, come to think of it, that probably won't happen. So when Tea Party republicans knock on my door for a donation, I'm going to egg them and turn the hose on them. Trick or treat.

-B-

Even Though The Government Is Shut Down, Thinking Hard Rages On!

So...we're still shut down. Okay. Let's see how Fox News is covering this:

Thanks Fox. Tonight on Hannity, what The Onion reports is wrong with janitors at Walmart. Y'know what would help Fox? More tech...



To be fair, CNN is also having its fair share of problems. Like geography. Did you know Hong Kong has been moved???

I believe that places Hong Kong somewhere in Brazil. I could be wrong. Maybe we're back to Pangaea.

And now for our very special cooking segment here on Thinking Hard. This week's recipe: "The 5-Second Rule."

WFSB 3 Connecticut

I'm sure his cat just got sick watching him on TV.

Hey, it's Sunday, so many of you are probably at church. Consider this the next time you offer a tithe...the Vatican just cut production of 6,000 medals to mark the first year of Pope Francis' papacy. The reason? Some idiot misspelled a word on the medal. A tiny little mistake. Nothing big. They just spelled the name LESUS CHRIST!!! LESUS!!! On a coin commissioned by the VATICAN!!! Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's going to be asking for a LOT of forgiveness.

Now, NONE of what I've shown you so far is nearly as offensive as this new video game out for smartphones. It's a great example of the lack of anyone WATCHING and PLAYING these games at Google before they hit the market. I'm not sure which is more offensive...that this exists, or that it exists for $2.65. So, without further ado, I present to you...(please also note the name of the company that made this game)...Popsicle Showdown:



I feel dirty. Let's wrap this week up with an unfortunate moment for some coffee drinkers...who didn't need the caffeine after all to wake up:



ALL I WANTED WAS AN EXTRA ESPRESSO SHOT!!!

-B-

Are We Still Shut Down?

Welcome all my friends to the shutdown that never ends. As we speak, I'm hearing House Speaker John Boehner dodge questions from ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos (or similarly spelled). But to be fair, the big O has been avoiding his fair share of questions at news conferences. So, bottom line...week 1 of the shutdown is almost in the books, and it's not likely that we'll get anything hammered out. Also, we're about to hit the debt ceiling. So there's that. Yay government. Y'know, I'm just gonna hand this thing off to Jon Stewart because this is so frustrating to watch, I can't even comprehend it. Thanks a lot, Tea Party. (ps: CNN, a countUP clock is the most bizarre thing I've seen you do since the election teleporter)





Now, watch closely as Fox News goes from "Who gives a shit" to "Wait, our DEMOGRAPHIC gives a shit!"



Hey, whether old people get to see a war memorial doesn't really matter to me...so the shutdown isn't a problem?

-B-

Congress Shut Down The Government Because Breaking Bad Ended

#iwish

What's up, party people? Welcome to October, with exciting days like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve on the horizon, not to mention my personal favorite, Martin Luther King, Jr., Day. I have a dream too. It involves a shitload of money and a lot of hookers. No?

I mean, seriously, what kind of world is it where Bill Nye ISN'T The Dancing Guy??? Where a simple investigation into a shirtless old guy at his home turns into fisticuffs caught on camera. (Sorry, guys, there was no way to embed this video)

Hey, you know what I don't like to see in my congressional debate coverage? A--holes quoting Dr. Seuss. I didn't know the good Doctor personally, but I'm pretty sure he's spinning in his grave at the thought of a lawmaker saying "I do not like green eggs and ham...and I don't like Obamacare either." Fucking REALLY? THAT was the best fucking line you could come up with??? Here, let me give it a whirl..."In a land full of dingledippers and jazzpats, it takes a true republican to come out looking like an asshat. I would kick them in a box...because they sound like a bunch of cocks." Seriously, you guys have people who write shit for you...THEY can do better. Hell, even those of us at Thinking Hard can do better. Yes we can.

I'll be honest, I have next to nothing this week. I was on a great lake vacation (not to be confused with a vacation at a Great Lake) with the family and it was awesome...until night fell, at which point I believed Jason Voorhees was going to slowly work his way out of the water and come after me, despite a lack of recent sexual action. I HAD been drinking, and you know how Captain Hockey Mask feels about drinkers too. And I might have been able to outrun the guy, but he has that uncanny ability to APPEAR OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! And to add to the comedy, it was only on the SECOND night that it occurred to me to check under the bed. Don't judge. That shit will keep you alive in any horror movie. But yeah, good time. So I hope everyone has an awesome week. We'll get back up with you this weekend here on TH. 'Til then, peace.

-B-

Maybe We Should Do This Mid-Week Thing More Often

We'll get to the blog in just a moment, but first, an unprecedented crime alert out of Phoenix...and a slight bit of redundancy...



You see what I did there?

Also, along those lines, check out this arrest! No wonder the woman looks so happy!

Hey, anyone celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day? This horse race should be watched EVERY YEAR on September 19...



Hey, anyone played Grand Theft Auto 5 yet? If not, here's a review that will probably give you a good idea of what to expect...apparently a lot of strip clubbing...



Let's do all this again in a week, shall we?

-B-

I Know, I Know, I'm Running Late

I just haven't had the time to blog this week and thought about taking my birthday off, but decided against it, so let's roll.

Anthony Weiner...lost the New York City mayor's race. BIG time. And rather than fade back into obscurity like Elliot Spitzer, who ALSO lost his race (for NYC comptroller), Weiner made one final big splash in the headlines:



Ah, yes, Mr. Weiner, keeping it classy by flippin' the bird. That'll show those New York voters what they missed out on. I guess they'll just have to find some OTHER dude's penis-pic online.

A quick note...a dozen people (as of the printing of this blog) were killed at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., this week, along with the man who murdered them. It's coming out now that he had security clearance AND several mental disorders, like paranoia and hearing voices. Shouldn't there be some more IN-DEPTH SCREENING to make sure these people DON'T have access to top military leaders and/or guns?

Now, let's go live to this guy in Macon, Georgia, for some story that apparently doesn't even matter to HIM...



That's just a quick snippit of the craziness of the world...minus the stuff about Syria, because, let's face it, aren't we all about sick of Syria by now?

-B-

Late, But No Less Awesome

Forgive me...I was tired yesterday morning.

Hey, I tried to get a job in this place...to work on this particular show. But to be fair, the woman on set is kinda saying everything I'm thinking...



Hey, Anthony Weiner's about to lose the primary for New York City's mayor...never too soon to try out for a new job:

New York News

Now we just need to make sure he doesn't talk about an "extended warm front" and point to his crotch.

Finally, Jon Stewart's back on The Daily Show. Welcome back, Jon. Great job, John Oliver. Now, you know how it is...you take a vacation and you come back to work and you have to get all caught up...



Danger!...Danger!...

-B-

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