Now, you might think by the title of this blog that I'm planning to explore the controversy surrounding Miss California. But I'm not. I don't care. I've been waiting for WEEKS to see the story end...only to find out she'll be guest-spotting on Fox "News." Ah yes, if there's a media outlet (besides "Access Hollywood" and "The Insider") that just won't let an annoying story die, it's Fox.
No, who I'm referring to is Hottest Mess Tournament competitor (if you don't know what I mean, you REALLY should be reading this blog more often) Lindsay Lohan. A burglar broke into the Lohan Compound Tuesday afternoon. Police showed up and found the house ransacked, but nothing was stolen. Turns out, the mess in the home...was there BEFORE the burglar broke in. Yes, that's right...Lindsay Lohan's home is a HOT MESS. I bet the burglar got in, saw the mess and decided to bail...kinda like Samantha Ronson.
Speaking of Hottest Mess competitors, Sarah Palin is busting out a memoir. Yes, you read that right...the woman who doesn't even read a magazine or newspaper is going to do her best to string together a bunch of words and punctuation in an effort to sound like a normal human being (a little like how it works here at Thinking Hard). The book would be due out in 2010, which is the same year she's up for re-election as governor of Alaska. I hear she's calling it "Angels and Democrats."
Here's a great physical achievement...a guy from Maryland rode a bicycle 180 MILES to Pennsylvania! Holy crap! I could NOT do that. Let's see, I'm sure he was supporting some children's charity or something like that...mm-hmm...oh...*ahem* well, it appears 26-year-old William Wagner DID have children in mind when he biked to Pennsylvania...he rode there to sleep with a 15-year-old girl! He met the girl online...go figure. And if you think he's "qlaschee" (classy?) for not driving a car up there, wait until you hear where he slept at night...a baseball field. Apparently he was doing a little practicing of his own getting to first, second and third bases...before finally sliding into home.
Let's do lunch...here's a lesson for anyone working in an office. A worker in California cleaned out some REALLY old (we're talking MOLDY) food from the office refrigerator Tuesday. But the mixture of the nasty food and the cleaning chemicals created fumes noxious enough to make 28 people in the office sick! They even had to call the hazmat team! But the good samaritan who cleaned out the fridge didn't get sick. That person had allergies and couldn't smell a thing.
Ben & Jerry's is dedicating its new flavor of ice cream to the band Barenaked Ladies. They're naming it "If I Had A Million Flavors," after the band's popular hit "If I Had A Million Dollars." It's got vanilla, chocolate, almonds, peanut butter and chunks of chocolate. I hear "If I Had A Million Flavors" was the SECOND choice for the name of the ice cream...but the PR department couldn't figure out a way to market "Mmm...Is That Pot?" At least not without using Michael Phelps as a spokesman.
Speaking of barenaked, two concession workers really put the YELLOW in Yellowstone National Park this week. They were arrested for peeing into Old Faithful! They were caught on webcam urinating into the giant hole. That's not fair...I have to pay $3.95/minute to see two guys peeing into a giant hole.
In case you missed it, Will Ferrell hosted the season finale of Saturday Night Live this weekend...and starred in my favorite sketch:
I'll take "Laughing So Hard I Peed in Old Faithful" for $400, Alex.
-B-
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My Mom Would Be So Proud
...it's a good thing she doesn't read Thinking Hard.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from Thinking Hard and welcome to the show! Just think: many people are waking up in bed right now and can't wait to wish their moms a Happy Mother's Day...so they're leaving the basement, going to the kitchen and thanking mom for making waffles. Then mom is asking when they're going to get a real job and move out of the house. In an unrelated note, "Star Trek" opens this weekend.
Couple of new additions to the "Friends of the Show" section. The first is a ridiculously addictive Flash game (that you can pretty much play on any computer without downloading anything) called "Sneeze." It's making a resurgence because of the swoo (if you're just tuning in, the "swoo" is the shortened name for the "swine flu," more accurately known as the "H1N1."). Here's the premise: you're a sick person, put into ten different social situations. There are children, adults and elderly people wandering around and you have to launch ONE sneeze that's going to (via a disgusting "domino effect") infect a certain percentage of the populace. Things I've learned playing this game: the elderly hang out at the library all the time and children carry so many viruses, it's a wonder they don't have a reaction at the local pharmacy similar to that of a vampire at church.
The second new "Friend of the Show" was sent in by a viewer. It's called the "F My Life" blog, where people send in random stories (some VERY funny) about why their life sucks right now. They close every posting with FML. You can vote on each post by saying their life IS fucked and they didn't deserve what happened...or "You deserved that one." Judging by how brief most of these postings are, I'm thinking of calling it "Shitter."
Two big stories out of Chicago this week (sorry...they were the most interesting): police FINALLY arrested former police officer Drew Peterson in the murder of his third wife. Now, for those of you not following his countless appearances on the Today show, Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared more than a year and a half ago. His THIRD wife was found dead, hair bloody from a head injury, in an empty bathtub in 2004. Investigators originally called it a suicide (accidental drowning)...until Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared. Peterson and Wife #3 were about to finalize their divorce when the "accident" happened. Since Wife #4 disappeared, Peterson's been having an "engaged-again, off-again" relationship with a woman who clearly has NO IDEA WHO HE IS (and if things don't work out, I hear she's met another older man...an "Orenthal James Simpson." He sounds nice.). My FAVORITE part of the Peterson arrest is what he reportedly said while in handcuffs: "I guess I should have returned those library books." Investigators ruled that comment "accidental sarcasm."
Also out of Chicago, does anyone remember the 14-year-old boy who walked into the Chicago Police Department in January, posing as a new officer, and actually got to go ON PATROL for five hours before anyone noticed he wasn't a REAL COP? Last week, the boy, who's now 15, was arrested for a similar crime. This time, police say he dressed up in a suit and tie and went to a car dealership, asking to test-drive a car (by the way, NOT old enough to drive by himself). The salesman had to get tools from the office to jump-start the car (classy...or "qlaschee", as I prefer). When the salesman took the tools back to the office, police say the kid drove off with the car! Police tried pulling him over, but he got away...and crashed into a traffic light. Then police say he got out of the wrecked car, grabbed a stroller from a witness and started to walk away from the crash, trying to blend in with the crowd! Police finally caught him. The arresting officer was quoted as saying "Hey, you look a little like my ex-partner..."
Finally, for those of you who STILL don't have a gift for your mother, let the "Dick in a Box" boys from Saturday Night Live offer an idea:
FML...For Mom's Love.
-B-
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from Thinking Hard and welcome to the show! Just think: many people are waking up in bed right now and can't wait to wish their moms a Happy Mother's Day...so they're leaving the basement, going to the kitchen and thanking mom for making waffles. Then mom is asking when they're going to get a real job and move out of the house. In an unrelated note, "Star Trek" opens this weekend.
Couple of new additions to the "Friends of the Show" section. The first is a ridiculously addictive Flash game (that you can pretty much play on any computer without downloading anything) called "Sneeze." It's making a resurgence because of the swoo (if you're just tuning in, the "swoo" is the shortened name for the "swine flu," more accurately known as the "H1N1."). Here's the premise: you're a sick person, put into ten different social situations. There are children, adults and elderly people wandering around and you have to launch ONE sneeze that's going to (via a disgusting "domino effect") infect a certain percentage of the populace. Things I've learned playing this game: the elderly hang out at the library all the time and children carry so many viruses, it's a wonder they don't have a reaction at the local pharmacy similar to that of a vampire at church.
The second new "Friend of the Show" was sent in by a viewer. It's called the "F My Life" blog, where people send in random stories (some VERY funny) about why their life sucks right now. They close every posting with FML. You can vote on each post by saying their life IS fucked and they didn't deserve what happened...or "You deserved that one." Judging by how brief most of these postings are, I'm thinking of calling it "Shitter."
Two big stories out of Chicago this week (sorry...they were the most interesting): police FINALLY arrested former police officer Drew Peterson in the murder of his third wife. Now, for those of you not following his countless appearances on the Today show, Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared more than a year and a half ago. His THIRD wife was found dead, hair bloody from a head injury, in an empty bathtub in 2004. Investigators originally called it a suicide (accidental drowning)...until Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared. Peterson and Wife #3 were about to finalize their divorce when the "accident" happened. Since Wife #4 disappeared, Peterson's been having an "engaged-again, off-again" relationship with a woman who clearly has NO IDEA WHO HE IS (and if things don't work out, I hear she's met another older man...an "Orenthal James Simpson." He sounds nice.). My FAVORITE part of the Peterson arrest is what he reportedly said while in handcuffs: "I guess I should have returned those library books." Investigators ruled that comment "accidental sarcasm."
Also out of Chicago, does anyone remember the 14-year-old boy who walked into the Chicago Police Department in January, posing as a new officer, and actually got to go ON PATROL for five hours before anyone noticed he wasn't a REAL COP? Last week, the boy, who's now 15, was arrested for a similar crime. This time, police say he dressed up in a suit and tie and went to a car dealership, asking to test-drive a car (by the way, NOT old enough to drive by himself). The salesman had to get tools from the office to jump-start the car (classy...or "qlaschee", as I prefer). When the salesman took the tools back to the office, police say the kid drove off with the car! Police tried pulling him over, but he got away...and crashed into a traffic light. Then police say he got out of the wrecked car, grabbed a stroller from a witness and started to walk away from the crash, trying to blend in with the crowd! Police finally caught him. The arresting officer was quoted as saying "Hey, you look a little like my ex-partner..."
Finally, for those of you who STILL don't have a gift for your mother, let the "Dick in a Box" boys from Saturday Night Live offer an idea:
FML...For Mom's Love.
-B-
Sunday, May 3, 2009
That'll Do, Pig
It's been a busy week here at the offices of Thinking Hard. We've been scrubbing everything down, investing in surgical masks, wearing rubber gloves, scrubbing everything down AGAIN, shipping in boxes of Sam's Club-sized bottles of hand sanitizer...all because Lindsay Lohan came to visit.
What? There's a SWINE FLU to worry about too???
Honestly, unless you've been under a rock (it would have to be a very large one, like the Prudential rock...is that even still around?), you've probably heard SOMETHING about the "swine flu", aka "H1N1 flu", aka "Swoo", aka "Are you fucking kidding me?" Seriously, in eight years, I haven't seen so many television news anchors say "We are closely tracking this health emergency...but we don't want to frighten you." (of course, you can do THAT on your own) I think the last time I saw so much panic-ridden "journalism" was shortly after the 9-11 attacks, when EVERY terror threat and EVERY arrest of someone who wasn't white or black made the top of EVERY newscast. But it's funny to watch the governments of the world panic about something they don't understand.
First off, EGYPT slaughtered THOUSANDS of pigs this week because government officials were afraid of the pigs giving people the swine flu. I believe one of the heads of the World Health Organization used the term "ridiculous" when talking about the mass slaughter. Then, you have people in the U.S. AND Asia who don't want to touch any pork. Of course, health officials have come out and said "You can't catch the flu by eating pork," but all the general public hears is "OHMYFUCKINGGODYOUARE GONNADIEIFYOUCOMEINCONTACTWITHANYTYPEOFPIGKILLTHEMALL!" If the government had its way, I'm sure Winnie the Pooh's buddy, Piglet, would be taking to Guantanamo for a round of "questioning." (more on that in a moment) I applaud the World Health Organization's choice to change the name of the flu to the "H1N1" flu, since it's a hybrid of swine, bird and human strains of the flu. But I chide the media for STILL REFERRING to it as SWINE FLU. Can't we at least use "Swoo" if we're going to be inaccurate?
Twenty-two students at Slippery Rock University in Pennsylvania weren't even allowed to graduate with the rest of their class because they'd been on a trip to Mexico, the source of the "snoutbreak" (thanks, Daily Show). But don't worry...a VIDEOTAPE of their graduation was to be shown at one of the other graduation ceremonies. I realize the school's concern about not infecting the thousands of other people at the other ceremonies, but GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! The Centers for Disease Control reports about 36,000 people in the U.S. ALONE die a year...from the ACTUAL flu. Not this SWINE bullshit. The SWINE flu has killed about 160 people in Mexico, a country with a failing health care system. ONE infant died in the U.S....and the child was FROM MEXICO. Now, please do NOT let me sound like I'm ragging on Mexico. It could have just as easily been France or Indonesia or Idontgiveadamn-istan. Just Mexico's bad luck. But now everyone's freaking out in the U.S. for something that isn't even as deadly as a YEARLY threat!
One more note on this, then I'm hopping off my soapbox (onto another soapbox)...here's how you know the flu scare has gotten WAY outta control: two passengers on an AirTran flight this week from Mexico to Baltimore complained of feeling dizzy and nauseous. The crew freaked out, so the plane landed at Baltimore and everyone on board had to stay in the plane for about an hour. Turns out, the two guys were just DRUNK! Wow, if only they made an innoculation for "stupid."
In other news, a 35-year-old guy and his brother in Alaska (go figure) got into a little legal trouble. The brother got into a fight Monday night and was charged with criminal trespass. Police showed up and arrested him. Then, the 35-year-old asked police if he could talk to his brother in the back of the patrol car. After 5 minutes, he asked the officer if he could be arrested too to join his brother in jail. The officer declined...UNTIL the man shoved him with his fist. He pleaded guilty in court Wednesday and was sentenced to a month in jail...but the judge suspended his sentence, so he STILL won't go behind bars. Man, what do you have to do in Alaska to be put in jail? Run for governor??
Back to my Guantanamo discussion, Fox "News" and MSNBC are taking shots at each other. Fox's Sean Hannity said on his show last week that he doesn't think waterboarding is torture and would be willing to be waterboarded for charity. So, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann jumped all over this. He's offering $1,000 to the families of U.S. troops for every second Hannity can tolerate the "interrogation technique." Olbermann believes it's torture, ineffective and shouldn't have been done by Americans. Olbermann also said he'd double the amount if Hannity acknowledged he feared for his life and admitted waterboarding is torture. No response yet from Hannity. Hey, all in the name of charity, right? Times ARE tough...
Finally, speaking of Republicans vs. Democrats, a MAJOR Republican in the Senate jumped ship this week to the Democrats. Arlen Specter announced the party switch this week standing alongside President Obama and Vice President "I'm not going into ANY confined space during the swine flu scare" Biden. Here's The Daily Show's take...proving news can be funny AND informative...even Rick Sanchez:
So grab your nearest pig anus and "bulldoze" ahead, friends.
-B-
What? There's a SWINE FLU to worry about too???
Honestly, unless you've been under a rock (it would have to be a very large one, like the Prudential rock...is that even still around?), you've probably heard SOMETHING about the "swine flu", aka "H1N1 flu", aka "Swoo", aka "Are you fucking kidding me?" Seriously, in eight years, I haven't seen so many television news anchors say "We are closely tracking this health emergency...but we don't want to frighten you." (of course, you can do THAT on your own) I think the last time I saw so much panic-ridden "journalism" was shortly after the 9-11 attacks, when EVERY terror threat and EVERY arrest of someone who wasn't white or black made the top of EVERY newscast. But it's funny to watch the governments of the world panic about something they don't understand.
First off, EGYPT slaughtered THOUSANDS of pigs this week because government officials were afraid of the pigs giving people the swine flu. I believe one of the heads of the World Health Organization used the term "ridiculous" when talking about the mass slaughter. Then, you have people in the U.S. AND Asia who don't want to touch any pork. Of course, health officials have come out and said "You can't catch the flu by eating pork," but all the general public hears is "OHMYFUCKINGGODYOUARE GONNADIEIFYOUCOMEINCONTACTWITHANYTYPEOFPIGKILLTHEMALL!" If the government had its way, I'm sure Winnie the Pooh's buddy, Piglet, would be taking to Guantanamo for a round of "questioning." (more on that in a moment) I applaud the World Health Organization's choice to change the name of the flu to the "H1N1" flu, since it's a hybrid of swine, bird and human strains of the flu. But I chide the media for STILL REFERRING to it as SWINE FLU. Can't we at least use "Swoo" if we're going to be inaccurate?
Twenty-two students at Slippery Rock University in Pennsylvania weren't even allowed to graduate with the rest of their class because they'd been on a trip to Mexico, the source of the "snoutbreak" (thanks, Daily Show). But don't worry...a VIDEOTAPE of their graduation was to be shown at one of the other graduation ceremonies. I realize the school's concern about not infecting the thousands of other people at the other ceremonies, but GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! The Centers for Disease Control reports about 36,000 people in the U.S. ALONE die a year...from the ACTUAL flu. Not this SWINE bullshit. The SWINE flu has killed about 160 people in Mexico, a country with a failing health care system. ONE infant died in the U.S....and the child was FROM MEXICO. Now, please do NOT let me sound like I'm ragging on Mexico. It could have just as easily been France or Indonesia or Idontgiveadamn-istan. Just Mexico's bad luck. But now everyone's freaking out in the U.S. for something that isn't even as deadly as a YEARLY threat!
One more note on this, then I'm hopping off my soapbox (onto another soapbox)...here's how you know the flu scare has gotten WAY outta control: two passengers on an AirTran flight this week from Mexico to Baltimore complained of feeling dizzy and nauseous. The crew freaked out, so the plane landed at Baltimore and everyone on board had to stay in the plane for about an hour. Turns out, the two guys were just DRUNK! Wow, if only they made an innoculation for "stupid."
In other news, a 35-year-old guy and his brother in Alaska (go figure) got into a little legal trouble. The brother got into a fight Monday night and was charged with criminal trespass. Police showed up and arrested him. Then, the 35-year-old asked police if he could talk to his brother in the back of the patrol car. After 5 minutes, he asked the officer if he could be arrested too to join his brother in jail. The officer declined...UNTIL the man shoved him with his fist. He pleaded guilty in court Wednesday and was sentenced to a month in jail...but the judge suspended his sentence, so he STILL won't go behind bars. Man, what do you have to do in Alaska to be put in jail? Run for governor??
Back to my Guantanamo discussion, Fox "News" and MSNBC are taking shots at each other. Fox's Sean Hannity said on his show last week that he doesn't think waterboarding is torture and would be willing to be waterboarded for charity. So, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann jumped all over this. He's offering $1,000 to the families of U.S. troops for every second Hannity can tolerate the "interrogation technique." Olbermann believes it's torture, ineffective and shouldn't have been done by Americans. Olbermann also said he'd double the amount if Hannity acknowledged he feared for his life and admitted waterboarding is torture. No response yet from Hannity. Hey, all in the name of charity, right? Times ARE tough...
Finally, speaking of Republicans vs. Democrats, a MAJOR Republican in the Senate jumped ship this week to the Democrats. Arlen Specter announced the party switch this week standing alongside President Obama and Vice President "I'm not going into ANY confined space during the swine flu scare" Biden. Here's The Daily Show's take...proving news can be funny AND informative...even Rick Sanchez:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Changeling | ||||
| ||||
So grab your nearest pig anus and "bulldoze" ahead, friends.
-B-
Saturday, April 25, 2009
What's A Moose Scared Of, Anyway?
I need to start this post with some sad news...one of my favorite film actresses of all time has died. Marilyn Chambers, star of the adult-film classic "Behind the Green Door," died two weeks ago. She was a classic XXX-rated actress. I haven't heard much about how she died...probably choking. Wonder what her coffin looked like. I imagine there was room enough to stuff 2, maybe 3 people in there. It's ironic that SHE will be buried in the HARDEST WOOD they can find.
Moving ahead...
I see Ford Motors is looking for a new Public Relations person. Qualifications include being able to say "We're confident the economy will turn around soon and in our favor, but in the meantime, we believe Americans want to be quality products they can only find from American automakers" with a straight face.
Also in the auto industry, Italian automaker Fiat posted first-quarter losses of $530 million, which is....carry the 12...multiply by 3.14....some high number of euros. Anyway, you might remember President Obama's warning to Chrysler that the company had just a few weeks to avoid being closed, and to do so, Chrysler had to work out a merger deal to buy Fiat. Oh, that's going to go well. It's like getting sprayed by a skunk and being told "Well, you can get rid of the smell by smearing feces all over yourself." How does THAT help? Although, at least that way, you only smell like your shit. Meantime, I'm considering buying a new car...from Toyota. Hey, I'd buy American, but car performance as of late is more disappointing than that time I asked an IKEA salesman where I could find the Bjork section...and he showed it to me. The Swedes just don't understand humor. Stupid bikini teams.
For those of you keeping up with this site (and, really, what else better do you have to do?), you know I've been following former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich closely. So closely, in fact, I'm saving a little energy by drifting behind his hair (that's a little NASCAR joke...a VERY little one). Anyway, he asked a judge to let him go to Costa Rica to be part of NBC's reality show "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" The judge's response? Ah...no. The judge suggested "Blago No Go-Go" and instead stay in the states to work with his defense team, who are struggling to save him from saying "I can't talk about the details here because Illinois state law won't let me, but I look forward to presenting the facts in court" on the witness stand. Actually, Blago taped a promotional commercial for the reality show anyway. Why? Are they changing the name to "I'm A Celebrity, Get This Shiv Out Of My Ass"? Oh, and replacing Blagojevich...Sanjaya from "American Idol." Maybe they need to change the name to "I Think I'm A Celebrity, Give A Shit About My Ass." Also coming to the show: Heidi and Spencer from MTV's "The Hills." I'm looking forward to seeing them on their first-ever reality show.
Olympic champion and that guy you'll see dealing the weed tucked in his speedo, Michael Phelps, says he plans to use a new freestyle technique when he comes to a swim meet in Charlotte, North Carolina, in May. Will that "new technique" be trying to smoke the bong through his ass? OH...a new SWIMMING technique! I understand it's called the "Wow, this water is SOOO blue" stroke. It's guaranteed to shatter the world record for SLOWEST 50-METER SWIM.
Let's talk about "Kids, Man"... (thanks, The Soup!)
Lawmakers in the Dominican Republic want to ban parents from choosing vulgar names or names like "Dummy" for their children. The parents of SpankmyasslikeIlikeit Vasquez said, "What?" Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz, parents of BRONX MOWGLI, were quoted as saying "HOLY SHIT...oh, wait...thank GOD we don't live THERE!" A quick side note...some of the names already on the registry include Mazda Altagracia, Toshiba Fidelina, Querida Pina (Dear Pineapple), Tonton Ruiz (Dummy Ruiz) and Winston Churchill de la Cruz. Which is more insulting...being named after a piece of electronics ("It's what we were watching when you were conceived") or being named after a fruit ("It's what was shoved up my ass when you were conceived")?
Apple ripped a "game" off iTunes this week that was available for the iPhone and iPod Touch called "Baby Shaker." For those of you not technologically inclined, the iPhone and iPod Touch have motion sensors built in for some of the applications. So, of course, some a-hole decided to make a game that shows a picture of a baby, accompanied by the child's wailing and crying. The goal: tolerate the crying as long as you can, then shake the phone vigorously until the baby stops crying (see also: DIES). The game was available for about a day...for less than the price of a box of Pampers. It's disgusting. No child should EVER be shaken so hard they die. Though, to be fair, there are a few obnoxious children who wail in the mall so loud I think my colon's going to evacuate its contents. You have a better chance of being struck by lightning, a bus, or an errant moose than you are NOT hearing "BUY ME THAT!" in any store. I understand Build-a-Bear Workshop and K-B Toys, but Victoria's Secret? Really???
Speaking of obnoxious children and moose, a group of 8th graders in Alaska (go figure) are in trouble for what happened when they were let outside for PE class. Turns out, there was a moose outside. And instead of just quietly watching it, they taunted the thing so badly it ran its own head into a fence until it killed itself (come to think of it, that's what I think of doing somedays when I hear them in the store). And somewhere, Governor Palin is thinking "So if I sell the helicopter and hire five children instead..." Seriously, I'm more disappointed in those children than I was when I first heard Ohio Representative John Boehner's name pronounced CORRECTLY. That was a dark, dark day.
Now, the one story out of this week that I can't even BEGIN to explain without showing you the story out of Washington state...you're never gonna believe this:
Those crazy frat boys...wait, what?...oh, I'm being told it was a 5-year-old. My bad. So, I'm going to bypass all the fecal humor here (because that's WAY too predictable for this column). Instead, check out one email sent to the TV station that covered the story: "This is a perfect example of how the mainstream media overlooks the real issue here. Why was this student attending kindergarten when he was not potty trained?!!!" Exactly my point! Why let little Defe-Katie or Uri-Nate in around other children if they're just gonna sit there and play "Let's Go Boweling"? I'm joking. Whatever idiot sent that email to the station has problems. Don't worry, Sir or Miss, in just a few years, you'll ALSO be wearing diapers and other people will be bitching about why YOU can't keep (sh)it in your pants.
Maybe this week will be better. I'd like to do one job instead of three.
-B-
Moving ahead...
I see Ford Motors is looking for a new Public Relations person. Qualifications include being able to say "We're confident the economy will turn around soon and in our favor, but in the meantime, we believe Americans want to be quality products they can only find from American automakers" with a straight face.
Also in the auto industry, Italian automaker Fiat posted first-quarter losses of $530 million, which is....carry the 12...multiply by 3.14....some high number of euros. Anyway, you might remember President Obama's warning to Chrysler that the company had just a few weeks to avoid being closed, and to do so, Chrysler had to work out a merger deal to buy Fiat. Oh, that's going to go well. It's like getting sprayed by a skunk and being told "Well, you can get rid of the smell by smearing feces all over yourself." How does THAT help? Although, at least that way, you only smell like your shit. Meantime, I'm considering buying a new car...from Toyota. Hey, I'd buy American, but car performance as of late is more disappointing than that time I asked an IKEA salesman where I could find the Bjork section...and he showed it to me. The Swedes just don't understand humor. Stupid bikini teams.
For those of you keeping up with this site (and, really, what else better do you have to do?), you know I've been following former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich closely. So closely, in fact, I'm saving a little energy by drifting behind his hair (that's a little NASCAR joke...a VERY little one). Anyway, he asked a judge to let him go to Costa Rica to be part of NBC's reality show "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!" The judge's response? Ah...no. The judge suggested "Blago No Go-Go" and instead stay in the states to work with his defense team, who are struggling to save him from saying "I can't talk about the details here because Illinois state law won't let me, but I look forward to presenting the facts in court" on the witness stand. Actually, Blago taped a promotional commercial for the reality show anyway. Why? Are they changing the name to "I'm A Celebrity, Get This Shiv Out Of My Ass"? Oh, and replacing Blagojevich...Sanjaya from "American Idol." Maybe they need to change the name to "I Think I'm A Celebrity, Give A Shit About My Ass." Also coming to the show: Heidi and Spencer from MTV's "The Hills." I'm looking forward to seeing them on their first-ever reality show.
Olympic champion and that guy you'll see dealing the weed tucked in his speedo, Michael Phelps, says he plans to use a new freestyle technique when he comes to a swim meet in Charlotte, North Carolina, in May. Will that "new technique" be trying to smoke the bong through his ass? OH...a new SWIMMING technique! I understand it's called the "Wow, this water is SOOO blue" stroke. It's guaranteed to shatter the world record for SLOWEST 50-METER SWIM.
Let's talk about "Kids, Man"... (thanks, The Soup!)
Lawmakers in the Dominican Republic want to ban parents from choosing vulgar names or names like "Dummy" for their children. The parents of SpankmyasslikeIlikeit Vasquez said, "What?" Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz, parents of BRONX MOWGLI, were quoted as saying "HOLY SHIT...oh, wait...thank GOD we don't live THERE!" A quick side note...some of the names already on the registry include Mazda Altagracia, Toshiba Fidelina, Querida Pina (Dear Pineapple), Tonton Ruiz (Dummy Ruiz) and Winston Churchill de la Cruz. Which is more insulting...being named after a piece of electronics ("It's what we were watching when you were conceived") or being named after a fruit ("It's what was shoved up my ass when you were conceived")?
Apple ripped a "game" off iTunes this week that was available for the iPhone and iPod Touch called "Baby Shaker." For those of you not technologically inclined, the iPhone and iPod Touch have motion sensors built in for some of the applications. So, of course, some a-hole decided to make a game that shows a picture of a baby, accompanied by the child's wailing and crying. The goal: tolerate the crying as long as you can, then shake the phone vigorously until the baby stops crying (see also: DIES). The game was available for about a day...for less than the price of a box of Pampers. It's disgusting. No child should EVER be shaken so hard they die. Though, to be fair, there are a few obnoxious children who wail in the mall so loud I think my colon's going to evacuate its contents. You have a better chance of being struck by lightning, a bus, or an errant moose than you are NOT hearing "BUY ME THAT!" in any store. I understand Build-a-Bear Workshop and K-B Toys, but Victoria's Secret? Really???
Speaking of obnoxious children and moose, a group of 8th graders in Alaska (go figure) are in trouble for what happened when they were let outside for PE class. Turns out, there was a moose outside. And instead of just quietly watching it, they taunted the thing so badly it ran its own head into a fence until it killed itself (come to think of it, that's what I think of doing somedays when I hear them in the store). And somewhere, Governor Palin is thinking "So if I sell the helicopter and hire five children instead..." Seriously, I'm more disappointed in those children than I was when I first heard Ohio Representative John Boehner's name pronounced CORRECTLY. That was a dark, dark day.
Now, the one story out of this week that I can't even BEGIN to explain without showing you the story out of Washington state...you're never gonna believe this:
Those crazy frat boys...wait, what?...oh, I'm being told it was a 5-year-old. My bad. So, I'm going to bypass all the fecal humor here (because that's WAY too predictable for this column). Instead, check out one email sent to the TV station that covered the story: "This is a perfect example of how the mainstream media overlooks the real issue here. Why was this student attending kindergarten when he was not potty trained?!!!" Exactly my point! Why let little Defe-Katie or Uri-Nate in around other children if they're just gonna sit there and play "Let's Go Boweling"? I'm joking. Whatever idiot sent that email to the station has problems. Don't worry, Sir or Miss, in just a few years, you'll ALSO be wearing diapers and other people will be bitching about why YOU can't keep (sh)it in your pants.
Maybe this week will be better. I'd like to do one job instead of three.
-B-
Sunday, April 19, 2009
A Seven-Day Work Week
Consider yourselves fortunate. I'm on day seven of my work week, but didn't want to make you wait another day for this installment of Thinking Hard. I know, I know...you can thank me later.
Tracking the news this week...did you see the viral (HEAVY emphasis on the word "viral") video on YouTube from the Domino's restaurant in North Carolina? I won't post it here because I can gross you out on my own...I don't need any help. But long story short, two employees taped a video in the kitchen of a Domino's in Conover, NC. In the video, a guy puts cheese up his nose, then puts it on a sandwich (presumably for a customer, but the employees claim the food was NOT delivered to anyone). In another spot, he's show pulling down his pants and wiping his ass with meat, then putting it on sandwiches. Yeah, so, um, they got FIRED (I'm sure it was because of the economy...no?). You'd expect them to be 16 or 17 years old...but they were in their EARLY 30S!!! Seriously? I'm about that age and even I don't think that's funny (though, by the looks of some of my previous posts, I think my classification of the word "humor" should be re-examined). One of the two employees is a divorced mother of two! Divorced, you say? Huh...shocking. Anyway, Domino's corporate released a statement saying this was "the independent act of two idiots" and did not reflect on the company as a whole. That's got to be the first time I've EVER seen the word "idiots" in any kind of corporate statement. I like it, and I think the Obama Administration should use it more when describing the nation's banking industry.
Look, down the street! It's a possum! It's a cat! It's...OCTOMOM! (you'll note I used animals that are generally seen with litters of 6-200 babies) In perhaps one of the most ridiculous pieces of paper sent to the U.S. Patent Office (Patent Pending)...short of the product "I Can't Believe It's Not Edible"...2009 Hottest Mess Tournament Champ Nadya Suleman filed to have the nickname "Octomom" patented and in her control. She has to be kidding. She realizes SHE didn't come up with the nickname, right? It sounds like she wants to apply the moniker to a sponsorship deal for diapers and other baby products. Let me tell you...if I'm a parent, I'm sure as hell NOT going to buy diapers with Nadya Suleman's face on them: "For the mom who can't stop breeding...or getting financial assistance from the government...it's Welfare-Wear!"
Former Illinois Governor (and financial advisor for Thinking Hard...hey, that guy can turn ANYTHING into a goldmine!) Rod Blagojevich wants to go on TV again. This time, he wants to compete on NBC's forgettable "Help! I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" For those of you who watch TV a lot and STILL haven't heard of this show, NBC takes the D-list stars who missed the cut on Celebrity Apprentice and tosses them on an island a la Survivor. Then, viewers vote who to get off the island and I assume there's some prize yada yada. He's perfect for the part...if by "celebrity" you mean "cheating politician who's as guilty as O.J." Anyway, Blagojevich wants to be on the next outing that's set for Costa Rica, except he can't leave the U.S. while he's charged with trying to get money for Barack Obama's old Senate seat. I wonder if he can get NBC to move the show to his prison. Last person stuck there faces the electric chair? Sounds like fun...
Speaking of O.J., Hulk Hogan fell deathly ill this week with a case of "diarrhea of the mouth." He was talking about the toll that his divorce is taking on him and talked about the pain of seeing a 19-year-old driving around in his car and knowing that kid is sleeping with his wife. He said (and I'm not making this up), "I totally understand O.J. now. I get it." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If anything happens to his ex-wife, we'll know who to put on trial. I can imagine his testimony: "Brothurrr, lemme tell ya, Mean Gene, all the millions of Hulkamaniacs are gonna cheer me on as I walk into that execution chamber and take on the Million Dollar Man and I'm gonna win that championship belt again." Would the record reflect that Mr. Hogan is now ripping off his shirt and posing on the witness stand? Seriously, who would Hogan's "dream team" be? Macho Man Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior and Hacksaw Jim Duggan? "Mr. Duggan, could you please instruct your client to keep his clothes on?...YOU GOT IT, TOUGH GUY! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Some diners in New Jersey are upset. They paid their bills when they were out to eat, but the waiter never came back with the change. Then the REAL waiter came out and asked them to pay. Turns out, the "waiter" who took the money didn't even work at the restaurants at all and just ran off with about $200 in cash. Police are still looking for this guy. He's described as being dressed nice and having spiky hair. Police released this sketch of the suspect:
Finally today, a "feel-good" moment. You might have seen this on the news this week, but it's still worth watching. "Britain's Got Talent," or whatever it's called, had a woman on this week who's 47 years old, somewhat homely, active in her church and says she's never been kissed. And all she wanted to do was sing. What happened next is truly inspirational:
(ed. note: I was unable to find a YouTube clip that I could embed in this post, so please click on this link to see the seven-minute clip.)
-B-
Tracking the news this week...did you see the viral (HEAVY emphasis on the word "viral") video on YouTube from the Domino's restaurant in North Carolina? I won't post it here because I can gross you out on my own...I don't need any help. But long story short, two employees taped a video in the kitchen of a Domino's in Conover, NC. In the video, a guy puts cheese up his nose, then puts it on a sandwich (presumably for a customer, but the employees claim the food was NOT delivered to anyone). In another spot, he's show pulling down his pants and wiping his ass with meat, then putting it on sandwiches. Yeah, so, um, they got FIRED (I'm sure it was because of the economy...no?). You'd expect them to be 16 or 17 years old...but they were in their EARLY 30S!!! Seriously? I'm about that age and even I don't think that's funny (though, by the looks of some of my previous posts, I think my classification of the word "humor" should be re-examined). One of the two employees is a divorced mother of two! Divorced, you say? Huh...shocking. Anyway, Domino's corporate released a statement saying this was "the independent act of two idiots" and did not reflect on the company as a whole. That's got to be the first time I've EVER seen the word "idiots" in any kind of corporate statement. I like it, and I think the Obama Administration should use it more when describing the nation's banking industry.
Look, down the street! It's a possum! It's a cat! It's...OCTOMOM! (you'll note I used animals that are generally seen with litters of 6-200 babies) In perhaps one of the most ridiculous pieces of paper sent to the U.S. Patent Office (Patent Pending)...short of the product "I Can't Believe It's Not Edible"...2009 Hottest Mess Tournament Champ Nadya Suleman filed to have the nickname "Octomom" patented and in her control. She has to be kidding. She realizes SHE didn't come up with the nickname, right? It sounds like she wants to apply the moniker to a sponsorship deal for diapers and other baby products. Let me tell you...if I'm a parent, I'm sure as hell NOT going to buy diapers with Nadya Suleman's face on them: "For the mom who can't stop breeding...or getting financial assistance from the government...it's Welfare-Wear!"
Former Illinois Governor (and financial advisor for Thinking Hard...hey, that guy can turn ANYTHING into a goldmine!) Rod Blagojevich wants to go on TV again. This time, he wants to compete on NBC's forgettable "Help! I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!" For those of you who watch TV a lot and STILL haven't heard of this show, NBC takes the D-list stars who missed the cut on Celebrity Apprentice and tosses them on an island a la Survivor. Then, viewers vote who to get off the island and I assume there's some prize yada yada. He's perfect for the part...if by "celebrity" you mean "cheating politician who's as guilty as O.J." Anyway, Blagojevich wants to be on the next outing that's set for Costa Rica, except he can't leave the U.S. while he's charged with trying to get money for Barack Obama's old Senate seat. I wonder if he can get NBC to move the show to his prison. Last person stuck there faces the electric chair? Sounds like fun...
Speaking of O.J., Hulk Hogan fell deathly ill this week with a case of "diarrhea of the mouth." He was talking about the toll that his divorce is taking on him and talked about the pain of seeing a 19-year-old driving around in his car and knowing that kid is sleeping with his wife. He said (and I'm not making this up), "I totally understand O.J. now. I get it." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If anything happens to his ex-wife, we'll know who to put on trial. I can imagine his testimony: "Brothurrr, lemme tell ya, Mean Gene, all the millions of Hulkamaniacs are gonna cheer me on as I walk into that execution chamber and take on the Million Dollar Man and I'm gonna win that championship belt again." Would the record reflect that Mr. Hogan is now ripping off his shirt and posing on the witness stand? Seriously, who would Hogan's "dream team" be? Macho Man Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior and Hacksaw Jim Duggan? "Mr. Duggan, could you please instruct your client to keep his clothes on?...YOU GOT IT, TOUGH GUY! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Some diners in New Jersey are upset. They paid their bills when they were out to eat, but the waiter never came back with the change. Then the REAL waiter came out and asked them to pay. Turns out, the "waiter" who took the money didn't even work at the restaurants at all and just ran off with about $200 in cash. Police are still looking for this guy. He's described as being dressed nice and having spiky hair. Police released this sketch of the suspect:
Finally today, a "feel-good" moment. You might have seen this on the news this week, but it's still worth watching. "Britain's Got Talent," or whatever it's called, had a woman on this week who's 47 years old, somewhat homely, active in her church and says she's never been kissed. And all she wanted to do was sing. What happened next is truly inspirational:
(ed. note: I was unable to find a YouTube clip that I could embed in this post, so please click on this link to see the seven-minute clip.)
-B-
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sham-Ow! (With Update!)
I know, I know, you've probably heard by now about the arrest of the Sham-Wow guy. But wait until you see Keith Olbermann's take. That's ahead. But first...
I got my bi-weekly paycheck yesterday. As promised, it contained the first installment of my government rebate. I had dreams of using it for travel, technology, or some other way to put the cash back into the economy. Instead, I got a whopping TWENTY BUCKS! That barely covers Saturday night at the bar (though, to be fair, that DOES put the cash back into the economy).
Seriously, twenty bucks is hardly noticeable in my paycheck. President Obama, might I make a small request? How about you do the ONLY reasonably intelligent thing your predecessor did and send us checks in ONE LUMP SUM? I feel like I won 56th place in the Powerball drawing and instead of taking my full $300, I involuntarily signed up for the annuity, which amounts to...let's see...carry the 5...minus 14.3...ah,yes...TEN DOLLARS A MONTH! That's not a winning. That's an allowance.
And we wonder why people are getting so violent lately. Seriously, I've seen no fewer than four domestic-related shootings (some of them fatal) across the U.S. this week. I can understand. The loss of a job and the inability to get new employment drives the "breadwinners" of the families to say "Fuck it" and gun down their loved ones. Back in the Great Depression, people just resorted to killing THEMSELVES. But, hey, this is the NEW MILLENIUM! Why just kill yourself when you can take your whole family with you? Even the children, who are too young to understand. God, I feel like Fox News: "This is all the Obama Administration's fault!" But it's not. And The Daily Show's Jon Stewart took Fox to task this week:
(ah, if only I knew someone who also misused the term "tyrant"...)
Now, talk about TYRANTS...no, we're not to Sham-Wow yet...how about Billy Bob Thornton? He did an interview this week in Canada to talk about his band, The..um...Jolie Exes?...no...well, anyway, Thornton was promoting his band and took exception to the interviewers references to ACTUAL PIECES OF QUALITY WORK Thornton has done. Seriously, I hope someone mashes this up with that Christian Bale rant:
(Update: Thornton's "band" was booed heavily during a performance Thursday night, along with chants of "Here comes the gravy." They cancelled a Friday night gig claiming the flu had stricken one performer and several of the crew. Riiiiiiight. I wonder if humble pie comes with gravy...)
Speaking of people who are just plain NUTS...no, still not time for Sham-Wow...a woman in Denver, Colorado REALLY likes her tofu. You know the stuff I'm talking about. The protein made from soybeans that can cook like chicken, but looks like white Play-Doh in a cube form. Vegetarians favor it and I think it's popular in California. Anyway, this tofu fan wanted to profess her love for the "food" on a personalized license plate. But the Department of Motor Vehicles turned her down. Here's how it read: ILVTOFU. (if I have to explain it, you're not a usual reader of Thinking Hard, so please grab the person closest to you and have THEM explain it) She says "Some people are just dirty-minded." I, on the other hand, have just come up with the name of a new classic car-themed brothel in Las Vegas.
Speaking of stuff that makes me piss myself laughing...nope, not yet...I was watching Saturday Night Live from last night (hosted by tween-idol and High School Musician Zac Efron). Anyway, Weekend Update brought back one of my new favorite commentators (and gave me a new idea for a blog name should I ever decide to abandon Thinking Hard):
(Hey, she makes snarky comments about Hollywood icons online...SHE STOLE MY FUCKING GIMMICK! Also, quick note for Saturday Night Live's writers: I will send you each a dollar to STOP WRITING THOSE RIDICULOUS "GILLY" SKETCHES!)
Speaking of pleasing bitches...nope, almost there...two people were arrested at a local Wal-Mart for having sex in a car in the parking lot (apparently they ALSO LUVTOFU). The 25-year-old woman and the 83-YEAR-OLD MAN (probably a greeter) were caught in the act of making their OWN smiley faces. The (I can NOT stress this enough) 83-YEAR-OLD MAN said he had just paid the woman $20 for oral sex. Wal-Mart: Low Prices, Everyday. (Though, I saw their mugshots...it's probably more like Wal-Mart: Low Standards, Everyday.)
Speaking of remarkably low standards...yes, it's time. Vince Shlomi, the Sham-Wow guy, was arrested for assaulting a hooker after she bit his tongue. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has more:
I mean, you're gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway...biiiiiiitttttccchhh pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzze.
-B-
I got my bi-weekly paycheck yesterday. As promised, it contained the first installment of my government rebate. I had dreams of using it for travel, technology, or some other way to put the cash back into the economy. Instead, I got a whopping TWENTY BUCKS! That barely covers Saturday night at the bar (though, to be fair, that DOES put the cash back into the economy).
Seriously, twenty bucks is hardly noticeable in my paycheck. President Obama, might I make a small request? How about you do the ONLY reasonably intelligent thing your predecessor did and send us checks in ONE LUMP SUM? I feel like I won 56th place in the Powerball drawing and instead of taking my full $300, I involuntarily signed up for the annuity, which amounts to...let's see...carry the 5...minus 14.3...ah,yes...TEN DOLLARS A MONTH! That's not a winning. That's an allowance.
And we wonder why people are getting so violent lately. Seriously, I've seen no fewer than four domestic-related shootings (some of them fatal) across the U.S. this week. I can understand. The loss of a job and the inability to get new employment drives the "breadwinners" of the families to say "Fuck it" and gun down their loved ones. Back in the Great Depression, people just resorted to killing THEMSELVES. But, hey, this is the NEW MILLENIUM! Why just kill yourself when you can take your whole family with you? Even the children, who are too young to understand. God, I feel like Fox News: "This is all the Obama Administration's fault!" But it's not. And The Daily Show's Jon Stewart took Fox to task this week:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Baracknophobia - Obey | ||||
| ||||
(ah, if only I knew someone who also misused the term "tyrant"...)
Now, talk about TYRANTS...no, we're not to Sham-Wow yet...how about Billy Bob Thornton? He did an interview this week in Canada to talk about his band, The..um...Jolie Exes?...no...well, anyway, Thornton was promoting his band and took exception to the interviewers references to ACTUAL PIECES OF QUALITY WORK Thornton has done. Seriously, I hope someone mashes this up with that Christian Bale rant:
(Update: Thornton's "band" was booed heavily during a performance Thursday night, along with chants of "Here comes the gravy." They cancelled a Friday night gig claiming the flu had stricken one performer and several of the crew. Riiiiiiight. I wonder if humble pie comes with gravy...)
Speaking of people who are just plain NUTS...no, still not time for Sham-Wow...a woman in Denver, Colorado REALLY likes her tofu. You know the stuff I'm talking about. The protein made from soybeans that can cook like chicken, but looks like white Play-Doh in a cube form. Vegetarians favor it and I think it's popular in California. Anyway, this tofu fan wanted to profess her love for the "food" on a personalized license plate. But the Department of Motor Vehicles turned her down. Here's how it read: ILVTOFU. (if I have to explain it, you're not a usual reader of Thinking Hard, so please grab the person closest to you and have THEM explain it) She says "Some people are just dirty-minded." I, on the other hand, have just come up with the name of a new classic car-themed brothel in Las Vegas.
Speaking of stuff that makes me piss myself laughing...nope, not yet...I was watching Saturday Night Live from last night (hosted by tween-idol and High School Musician Zac Efron). Anyway, Weekend Update brought back one of my new favorite commentators (and gave me a new idea for a blog name should I ever decide to abandon Thinking Hard):
(Hey, she makes snarky comments about Hollywood icons online...SHE STOLE MY FUCKING GIMMICK! Also, quick note for Saturday Night Live's writers: I will send you each a dollar to STOP WRITING THOSE RIDICULOUS "GILLY" SKETCHES!)
Speaking of pleasing bitches...nope, almost there...two people were arrested at a local Wal-Mart for having sex in a car in the parking lot (apparently they ALSO LUVTOFU). The 25-year-old woman and the 83-YEAR-OLD MAN (probably a greeter) were caught in the act of making their OWN smiley faces. The (I can NOT stress this enough) 83-YEAR-OLD MAN said he had just paid the woman $20 for oral sex. Wal-Mart: Low Prices, Everyday. (Though, I saw their mugshots...it's probably more like Wal-Mart: Low Standards, Everyday.)
Speaking of remarkably low standards...yes, it's time. Vince Shlomi, the Sham-Wow guy, was arrested for assaulting a hooker after she bit his tongue. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has more:
I mean, you're gonna spend $20 a month on paper towels anyway...biiiiiiitttttccchhh pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzze.
-B-
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Semis and the Finals
Welcome back to the Hottest Mess 2009 Tournament here on Thinking Hard. We have some tough action going into the finals, so let's get to our Fungal Four...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Lindsay Lohan
First, I should congratulate Mrs. Blagojevich. The indictment against her husband (y'know, the former governor of Illinois who ALLEGEDLY tried to sell Barack Obama's old Senate seat) came out Thursday and did NOT include her name. Hey, let's hear it for beating the system! Woot! But it's going to be hard to top LiLo. The girl is AGAIN (yawn) rumored to be on the outs with boyfriend Sam Ronson...wait, that's a CHICK??? How do I always get that wrong? Must be my 20/20 vision...but that's not all! So, Lily Allen was doing a show in Los Angeles Thursday night and for an encore, she did what's apparently the cool thing to do...sing a song by tournament-ousted Britney Spears. But if you don't want to hear her rendition of Womanizer, at least check out the unintentional (read: uninvited) cameo at about 3:30 in...
Yes, in a (we can only hope) drunken stupor, Lohan did what's apparently the cool thing to do...randomly go up on stage and make friends with the pink blob who's making all the hypnotic noise. That way she won't attack Lindsay. Also, Lohan's animal-print Snuggie is lined with tinfoil. So, CLEARLY, the hotter mess here is...wait, WHAT?
Winner: Patti Blagojevich
What the hell is going on here???
Amy Winehouse vs. Nadya Suleman
This week, Winehouse was whooping it up at Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas and found out the dress she wore to sing for Nelson Mandela in (he turned 90 at that performance...interpreters say he was shocked to find someone MORE malnourished than anyone he'd seen in Africa) would go on display at Hyde Park. To celebrate, she bought everyone in the bar a tequila shot. Well, to be more accurate, she bought ninety tequila shots...and those greedy fuckers just helped themselves! Hey, a girl's gotta get her drink on! As for Suleman, she was the victim of vandalism this week. Someone threw a child seat through the rear window of her minivan (right above the bumper stickers that read "Eight is NOT Enough" and "If you're close enough to read this, can you please let me know how many of my children fell out of the van?"). Given Suleman's recent acceptance of charity, I'm sure she looked at the seat, accused it of spying on her and threw it across the street...hopefully without the baby in it.
Winner: Nadya Suleman
So, the finals of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament will be Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman. We'll have that game in a moment, but first, a political message from one of the former competitors in this year's tournament...
*Paid for by Russians Who Can See Sarah Palin From Their Houses*
Now, the finals...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman
Patti's enjoying some R&R ("Running from the law" & "Rolling over on her husband") with soon-to-be-incarcerated Rod Blagojevich at the happiest place on Earth, Disney World ("Rod Blagojevich, you just tried to benefit from one of the most dramatic presidential elections ever...what are you going to do now? I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"). Shit you not. They were going to ride Space Mountain, but when they realized they couldn't trade it for a cabinet position, they left. We've been doing some digging into Nadya Suleman's past. Turns out she used to be a stripper! You know, thinking of that reminds me of my family vacation to the Grand Canyon...
The judge has made a decision...and it's...
Patti Blagojevich? Really? This seems a little too Cinderella-y for me. Let me find that judge...here he is...and it's...
ROD BLAGOJEVICH??? (Why do I feel like I'm on Scooby-Doo?) OF COURSE! Who had the most to benefit from Patti's victories? You were trying to sell her!...yes, I realize you were sitting on a "fucking goldmine"...yes, I realize the law forbids you from talking about the charges, but allows you to not talk about the charges all over your media tour...look, I don't care! You're playing on Thinking Hard's court...and Thinking Hard RULES!
Your Hottest Mess of 2009: Nadya Suleman
(seriously, was there any doubt?)
I just received the trophy BACK from Suleman. She accused it of spying, threw it at me and drove off...with three of her children running alongside the van...
-B-
Patti Blagojevich vs. Lindsay Lohan
First, I should congratulate Mrs. Blagojevich. The indictment against her husband (y'know, the former governor of Illinois who ALLEGEDLY tried to sell Barack Obama's old Senate seat) came out Thursday and did NOT include her name. Hey, let's hear it for beating the system! Woot! But it's going to be hard to top LiLo. The girl is AGAIN (yawn) rumored to be on the outs with boyfriend Sam Ronson...wait, that's a CHICK??? How do I always get that wrong? Must be my 20/20 vision...but that's not all! So, Lily Allen was doing a show in Los Angeles Thursday night and for an encore, she did what's apparently the cool thing to do...sing a song by tournament-ousted Britney Spears. But if you don't want to hear her rendition of Womanizer, at least check out the unintentional (read: uninvited) cameo at about 3:30 in...
Yes, in a (we can only hope) drunken stupor, Lohan did what's apparently the cool thing to do...randomly go up on stage and make friends with the pink blob who's making all the hypnotic noise. That way she won't attack Lindsay. Also, Lohan's animal-print Snuggie is lined with tinfoil. So, CLEARLY, the hotter mess here is...wait, WHAT?
Winner: Patti Blagojevich
What the hell is going on here???
Amy Winehouse vs. Nadya Suleman
This week, Winehouse was whooping it up at Hard Rock Cafe in Las Vegas and found out the dress she wore to sing for Nelson Mandela in (he turned 90 at that performance...interpreters say he was shocked to find someone MORE malnourished than anyone he'd seen in Africa) would go on display at Hyde Park. To celebrate, she bought everyone in the bar a tequila shot. Well, to be more accurate, she bought ninety tequila shots...and those greedy fuckers just helped themselves! Hey, a girl's gotta get her drink on! As for Suleman, she was the victim of vandalism this week. Someone threw a child seat through the rear window of her minivan (right above the bumper stickers that read "Eight is NOT Enough" and "If you're close enough to read this, can you please let me know how many of my children fell out of the van?"). Given Suleman's recent acceptance of charity, I'm sure she looked at the seat, accused it of spying on her and threw it across the street...hopefully without the baby in it.
Winner: Nadya Suleman
So, the finals of this year's Hottest Mess Tournament will be Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman. We'll have that game in a moment, but first, a political message from one of the former competitors in this year's tournament...
*Paid for by Russians Who Can See Sarah Palin From Their Houses*
Now, the finals...
Patti Blagojevich vs. Nadya Suleman
Patti's enjoying some R&R ("Running from the law" & "Rolling over on her husband") with soon-to-be-incarcerated Rod Blagojevich at the happiest place on Earth, Disney World ("Rod Blagojevich, you just tried to benefit from one of the most dramatic presidential elections ever...what are you going to do now? I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"). Shit you not. They were going to ride Space Mountain, but when they realized they couldn't trade it for a cabinet position, they left. We've been doing some digging into Nadya Suleman's past. Turns out she used to be a stripper! You know, thinking of that reminds me of my family vacation to the Grand Canyon...
The judge has made a decision...and it's...
Patti Blagojevich? Really? This seems a little too Cinderella-y for me. Let me find that judge...here he is...and it's...
ROD BLAGOJEVICH??? (Why do I feel like I'm on Scooby-Doo?) OF COURSE! Who had the most to benefit from Patti's victories? You were trying to sell her!...yes, I realize you were sitting on a "fucking goldmine"...yes, I realize the law forbids you from talking about the charges, but allows you to not talk about the charges all over your media tour...look, I don't care! You're playing on Thinking Hard's court...and Thinking Hard RULES!
Your Hottest Mess of 2009: Nadya Suleman
(seriously, was there any doubt?)
I just received the trophy BACK from Suleman. She accused it of spying, threw it at me and drove off...with three of her children running alongside the van...
-B-
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