Thinking Hard Hits One-Hundred...And One!

Wow, I can't believe I let this blow by me last week...the last post marked the 100th post for those of us here at "Thinking Hard." Let me just take a moment to thank all (twelve) of you who have been following the show since its inception and for those of you who think it's entertaining enough to recommend to others. This is truly some of the most fun I've had writing, and I can't wait until we hit #200!

That said, I have something special set up for this, the 101st show. I got this idea from this week's 13th Annual Webby Awards in New York. The winners had to limit their acceptance speeches to JUST FIVE WORDS! I love that! "Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane got an award for his web series (currently out on DVD...you MUST see it) "Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy." His speech: "What is this for again?" Arianna Huffington won best political blog for her "Huffington Post" (not nearly as funny as "Thinking Hard") and gave this acceptance speech: "I didn't kill newspapers, OK?" And Jimmy Fallon, whose takeover of "Late Night" seems to be going better than his predecessor's takeover of "The Tonight Show," had this to say about his award honoring his use of the internet to create hype about his show: "Thank God Conan got promoted." So, we're going to start the first-ever Whenever We Feel Like It Thinking Hard Awards...also known as the Hardy. (I was going to go with "Thinky," but that implies I put a lot of thought behind this...I didn't)

The "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy goes to Sarah and Todd Palin. Sarah's apparently still fired up about her loss during the Hottest Mess tournament back in March. David Letterman spoke about the Palin family's trip to New York earlier this week. In a joke CLEARLY meant for 18-year-old unwed mother and abstinence/condom/fuckinglikerabbits advocate Bristol Palin, Letterman said the Palins went to a Yankees baseball game and "during the seventh inning, (Sarah Palin's) daughter was knocked up by (Yankee third baseman) Alex Rodriguez." Hilarious to the crowd...and for anyone else who's not in the GOP...but not for the Palins. See, it wasn't 18-year-old Bristol who was at the game, but rather 14-year-old Willow Palin (you ever get the sense the Palins just went to an internet search engine and hit "Surprise Me" to find these names for their children?). The Palins are upset that Letterman would suggest underage sex (also known as statutory rape) is funny. Letterman went on the show Wednesday night and apologized for any misunderstanding, that he would NEVER joke about raping a child, that he has NEVER made such a joke and would NEVER make such a joke. He even invited the Palins on his show to iron everything out, but they're holding a grudge. Todd Palin was most upset about the insinuation that ALL the women in his family are a little..um..."loose." He gave us this Hardy acceptance speech: "Two whores are bad enough."

A runner-up for the "Humor Is Wasted On The Stupid" Hardy is Gretchen Carlson of Fox "News." But she DID earn the "I Had More Credibility As A REPORTER On CBS News Than I Do As An ANCHOR On Fox News" Hardy. Here now is special presenter...Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Fox & Friends' Lingerie Football Romp
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Newt Gingrich Unedited Interview

The entire "Fox & Friends" gave this acceptance speech: "We're not homophobes, just morons."

The "See You Next Week On Fox & Friends" Hardy goes to Carrie Prejean. The now FORMER Miss California is out of a job. The executive director of the pageant fired Prejean this week because she failed to make several scheduled appearances (wow, I'm lucky I can't be fired from college...WHAT? I OVERSLEPT!). This, after the big hubbub at the Miss USA pageant when openly gay blogger Perez Hilton asked Prejean where she stood on the gay marriage issue, and Prejean said she didn't agree with it and she preferred "opposite marriage" over "same-sex marriage." That pissed Hilton off and he led an online charge against Prejean. Then the slutt...er, CLASSY photos of Prejean surfaced on the internet that were taken before the Miss California pageant. Prejean shows a little "Nip/Untucked" and signed a contract with the pageant saying she had done no nude modeling. But Donald Trump (owner of EVERYTHING, including the pageant) said Prejean could stay on as Miss California. But the executive director noted Prejean had been skipping scheduled appearances to speak out against gay marriage at unsanctioned events. So Trump canned her this week. Prejean claimed in her Hardy acceptance speech that's NOT why she missed her appearances: "I was panty-raiding Perez."

For those of you who don't know, the digital television transition happened Friday. Stations across the U.S. dropped their analog signals in favor of digital signals. The "Huh? HUH? HUH???" Hardy goes to the hard-hearing elderly, MOST impacted negatively by the switchover. See, the elderly had to call upon their sons and grandsons to help explain why they need a new antenna to pull in digital signals, then convert them to analog so these old people who do almost nothing but watch TV all day can CONTINUE to watch TV all day. I'm sure I will be answering phone calls in the newsroom for WEEKS from people who can't see anything on their TVs because they don't have the new antenna. Here's Martha Washington, 89, of Hooskow, Washington, to accept on behalf of elderly people nationwide: "Who killed Matlock?...I'm old."

That provides a great "transition" to our next award: the "Old People Do The Damnedest Things" Hardy. An Israeli woman this week admitted she'd been keeping her money safe from identity thieves and bank fallouts for years...by stuffing it in a mattress. Over the years, she'd accumulated almost a MILLION DOLLARS! But when her daughter bought her a brand-new mattress, THEY THREW OUT THE OLD ONE. You know, THE ONE WITH ALMOST A MILLION DOLLARS INSIDE. I can see how that would happen...I'm always misplacing A MILLION DOLLARS. Crews have been diving through landfills for days, trying to find the million-dollar mattress. The woman used her acceptance speech to explain the plans she had for the money: "I'd planned a Bingo binge."

The "Missing The Big Picture" Hardy goes to a driver in North Carolina last weekend. And by "big picture," we mean "train":

Obviously the driver missed the bells, the whistle...and the BIG FUCKING TRAIN in front of him. The driver's acceptance speech: "What train?...Got any Doritos?"

The "Revenge Sucks" Hardy goes to Helen Immelt of Monroe, Washington. A neighbor complained that she had been keeping chickens at her home and it was against the homeowners association rules. So Immelt got up at 6am, parked her car in front of his house and leaned on her horn for TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT! He called the police and she left, but she came back and did it again 2 hours later. Miss Immelt, here's your award...please give us your speech: "I couldn't find flaming poo."

Finally, the "Some People Just DESERVE To Get Caught" Hardy. This prestigious award goes to a 37-year-old Pennsylvania man. Last Sunday night, police say the driver sped into a police station parking lot, pulled between two marked cruisers (in a spot that's reserved FOR police) and took a nap in his car (I believe they call that "passing out"). An officer who went to check on the guy found an empty vodka bottle and a marijuana pipe. Congratulations sir. We let you sober up so we could UNDERSTAND your acceptance speech. Please give that to us now...

"Lindsay Lohan thinks I'm perfect."

-B-

I Am GM Owner #134276890

As .0000001-part owner of General Motors, I'm calling a board meeting in my kitchen this Friday at 9am. Anyone not there forfeits their share of GM to me. I'll be making cookies.

Helluva week for the American economy. General Motors gets bought out by...well, US. Hulu.com announces it could start charging for its content soon (well, there goes Happy Fun Video Fridays), Virgin Records (and whatever the hell else that company owns) denied it's looking to buy Playboy (because if there's one thing I know for sure, you can NEVER find a virgin in Playboy)...and if all that weren't bad enough, NADYA SULEMAN IS SHOOTING A REALITY SHOW!

Yes, "Octomom Plus 8 Needs A Date, So Why Wait? She Smells Like Old Fishing Bait" is now in production. Just goes to show you where a Hottest Mess Tournament win will get you. Suleman's lawyer says it will be less intrusive than an ACTUAL reality show, because instead of following the mobile third-world nation around 24/7, cameras will only be there for big moments in the family's lives. I can't WAIT for the "Birds and the Bees" talk...or rather, the "Bunsen Beaker and the Turkey Baster." The Netherlands-based production company has NOT yet sold the show here in the U.S. because, quite frankly, it would put "Inside Edition," "The Insider," and "Thinking Hard" out of business. By the way, does it seem strange to anyone else that Suleman's getting so much press from "The Insider"...since no man wanted to be "Inside-her?"

I have to go slice some pepperoni for a pizza I'm making, but before I do that, a 25-year-old Egyptian guy told his parents he wanted to marry a woman of lower class (which is a cardinal sin in Egypt...but the Lohan household seems to be fine with it). They said no. So he CUT OFF HIS PENIS! What...the...fuck????? That's the coldest cut of all. His name must be "Nick." Let's hope he's not planning to be a doctor..."Hm, could I get someone to circumcise my son who's NOT THAT GUY???"

Let's wrap this biz-itch up with a note from last week's Electronic Entertainment Expo in California. "E3" to some, "Geek Week" to me, it's when the major video game companies come together to show off their new hardware and software and give some men the hope that they will come up with a brilliant high-tech idea...that will eventually get them out of their parents' basement. They'll still have to pay to get laid, but at least they can do it without hearing reruns of "M*A*S*H" upstairs (yes, Kelsay, that was for you). Anyway, Microsoft showed off this new hardware that's a voice-recognition system and a motion-capture camera. For those of you thinking at an 8th-grade level or below, I'll try not to be terse about this: sometimes, game companies develop games by having actors come into studios and put on spandex body suits with little computer chips at certain points on the suit (i.e., elbow, head, penis). Then the actors act out the moves in the game, and the computer records the motions to give programmers an easier time of designing the video game characters body movements. Anyway, Microsoft unveiled a new camera that sits on the TV set and allows people to interact with game characters. Believe me when I say this...you HAVE to check this video out:

Video Games - E3 2009 - Video Game Trailers

Ho....lee....shit. I think I just wet my penis. WOO-HOO! HAT TRICK! I GOT THE WORD "PENIS" IN THE BLOG THREE TIMES!...is that "M*A*S*H" on upstairs?
-B-

Ever Have One Of "THOSE" Weeks?

Welcome back to Thinking Hard...or as I like to refer to it, my only release from homicidal tendencies.

Speaking of causing people physical harm, remember a few blogs ago when MSNBC's Keith Olbermann challenged Fox's Sean Hannity to be waterboarded for charity? Well, that offer is officially off the table. Instead, Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller took the challenge. Muller's been a contributor to the Fox News Channel and very vocal in his opinion that waterboarding is not torture. But earlier this month, he changed his tune. He got waterboarded in his studio. "I was laughing about this, that it was a stupid radio thing," Muller said. "I thought I could go 30 seconds. I'll hold my breath. Big deal, they'll sprinkle water. It is a big deal. It's torture." Muller even said it was WORSE than drowning, something he also knows about as he almost drowned as a child. Olbermann will give $10,000 to Veterans of Valor, an organization formed by Iraq War veteran Klay South to help injured veterans. Y'know, let me say "Good job!" to Mancow for stepping up to the plate. The guy probably did it in the first place because of his ego, but to have him vocally come out and talk about how bad waterboarding is shows class. Now he can go back to prank phone calls and naked celebrities in his studio.

While we're on the subject of waterboarding, President Obama is having some "Git-Mo' Money Blues." He's pushing to close Guantanamo Bay, but Congress is having trouble deciding if he should get the money to do so AND where the prisoners of war (hmmm...why do I suddenly think of John McCain?) would go when the detention facility closes. There's no congressman (or congresswoman) who wants the prisoners in their state. Really? You'll lock up AMERICAN-MADE bombers and cannibals, but the prospect of FOREIGN criminals makes you nervous? How about we just ask Senator Burris, from the President's home state of Illinois. Oh, wait...

Yeah, it turns out wiretap information out this week shows Burris DID talk to former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich about a possible financial deal for Obama's Senate seat. But he was concerned about how it would look in the public eye. I wonder if Blago turned into a Sham-Wow pitchman with Burris: "Listen, you're gonna spend 20-grand a month on cover-ups anyway..."

While Blago deals with that problem stateside, his wife has DIFFERENT concerns. That's right, Patti Blagojevich starts her epic run on NBC's "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" tomorrow night. Surrounded by people like Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Janice Dickinson and Heidi and Spencer Pratt...Patti seems like the sanest one of the bunch.

Also, as long as I'm talking about reality show train-wrecks, let me talk briefly about Jon and Kate of "Jon & Kate plus a divorce attorney"...I mean, "plus 8." Monday night was the season premiere of the show, and after a spring of tabloid headlines suggesting BOTH Jon and Kate are having affairs, almost TEN MILLION people tuned in for the show! Holy f*ck! Many of the confessional interviews with the couple took place separately on that couch they're always sitting on. And neither one of them could stop their passive-agressive bitching at one another! Listen, if I want passive-agressive bitching, I'LL get married and irresponsibly breed a small third-world nation. Also, investigators are looking into violation of child-labor laws on the show, with regard to the 8 midget co-stars. Says Jon, "Investigation? I can't even tell them apart!"...seriously, you two idiots are poster children for abstinence. And not getting married. People arguing against GAY marriage, take note: if you hate the gays so much, why deprive them of this pain by denying them marriage?

Thinking Hard is giving out a special award today. The "City With The Grossest Workout Routine" award goes to...Oklahoma City. Competitors in a triathlon mid-May got sick after the race. Not because they ran/biked/swam so hard, but because of WHAT they swam in. See, the organizers thought it was BRILLIANT to have the athletes swim in the Oklahoma River. Problem is: the Oklahoma River has a fecal coliform problem. Yeah, there's a LOT of shit in Oklahoma, but apparently a good chunk of it is in the water. The "healthy" county of fecal coliform bacteria in any water in Oklahoma is determined as a 126-count per 100 milliliters of water. The water in the river the day before the race? 573! Man, I bet all of those athletes are just pooped out...

Any Ferris Bueller fans in the house? Bueller? Bueller? Well, if you are and have a chunk of money burning a hole in your wallet (and who doesn't in THIS economy), take note. The house where Cameron killed his dad's ferrari is up for sale. You know the scene: after a comical "Day Off," Cameron tries to turn the car's odometer back by running it in reverse on rollers. But hijinks ensue and Cameron accidentally knocks the car out the window and down a very steep drop. Then Cameron learns something about himselfblahblahblah... Anyway, you wanna buy a house? It's going to set you back $2.3 million. That house also marks the last place Matthew Broderick was a heterosexual...until he traded off for bestiality. OH COME ON! SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S A HORSE! In a recent interview, someone asked her if she loved Broderick...and she clopped one hoof for "Yes."

Let's wrap this up with a little music. Thinking Hard intern Katie sent me this Youtube link and suggested that I was the person in the newsroom background midway through the clip (strange that the makers of this music video used my newsroom). Upon close examination and a conversation with Mr. Zapruder, we realized the producer in the background is none other than Thinking Hard fanatic STEVE HASS! (Update: apparently this IS me...sorry, Steve) Enjoy:

-B-

Let's Go To Camp!

Welcome to the unofficial start of summer. It's Memorial Day weekend, and what better way to start summer than with a trip to camp. This item brought in by Thinking Hard intern Bridget: "Evil Dead: The MUSICAL" is coming to Charlotte. Now, judging by how many of you had NO idea who George Romero is and what his "Living Dead" movies are, this might take a little 'splaining. Back when I was a wee lad, a horror movie called "Evil Dead" was released to the unknowing public. It starred Bruce Campbell (if you don't already know who he is, chances are you don't know any of his other work) and was RIDICULOUSLY over-the-top in its plot and "special effects" (read: gallons of fake blood and re-animated corpse heads). Synopsis: five travelers in the woods find/read the Book of the Dead, victims are killed and then POSSESSED by demons, hilarity ensues. The film spawned "Evil Dead 2" and "Army of Darkness." In fact, you can see some of director Sam Raimi's trademark fast-paced, horror filmmaking in "Spider-Man 2" (yes, he directed those movies as well) in the scene where Doctor Octopus's arms come alive in the morgue and rip apart the bodies of the doctors on hand.

I digress. So, someone decided it would be fun to turn "Evil Dead" into a musical, presumably with gallons of fake blood to be tossed onto the audience as though they were watching a Gallagher "comedy routine" involving a sledge hammer and a watermelon. Bridget suggested I say a word about the term "camp." Wiki (don't judge me) considers "camp" a form of style that IS so entertaining because of it ridiculousness or irony. So, over-the-top is entertaining. The REAL question is...Is turning "Evil Dead" into a musical with singing zombies adding MORE camp to it...or just plain ridiculous. My initial thought is the latter, since it's very hard to add more camp to camp without killing its original intent...but I'll reserve judgment. Cue the tap-dancing demons for the intermission until the next story...

PATTI BLAGOJEVICH IS GOING ON "I'M A CELEBRITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE!" The wife of ousted Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced this week NBC offered her a slot on the "reality game show." So, apparently coming across like a profanity-spewing shrew whose husband was trying to make a quick buck makes you a "celebrity." Heck, it works for the "Real Housewives of..." Honestly, the jungle can keep Patti.

Speaking of REALLY bad hair, Donald Trump is getting ready to sue an author. I know what you're thinking: "With all of his mega-money and his twelve seasons of Apprentice, how does The Don find the time to even consider reading a book?" Answer: he has people read books for him, then tell him about them. He seemed to be really angry at the ghosts for pestering that poor Ebenezer Scrooge... Anyway, Trump's suing the author for labeling him a "millionaire" instead of a "billionaire" in the book. Trump claims it hurt his business. I have news for you, Mr. Trump...if anything's hurting your business, it's your presence. And your hair. But as long as your lackeys don't read the internet, there's no chance you'll be suing "Think*This part of the blog blocked on orders from lawyers representing Donald Trump, BILLIONAIRE*

Hey, if you're planning a trip to a national park this summer, pack your guns. Congress passed a bill this week making it harder for credit card companies to gouge your interest rates, among other things the credit card companies are wont to do. It's a great bill, but in the 11th hour, some a-hole in Congress tossed in an amendment that has NOTHING to do with credit cards: namely, it allows you to take a loaded gun into national parks and wildlife refuges (must've been a senator from Alaska). Now, I'm no naturist, but doesn't that seem like it defeats the purpose of a WILDLIFE REFUGE, where animals are supposed to be PROTECTED from guns, allowing guns??? Thinking Hard spoke to the two men accused of peeing into Old Faithful. They said, "Look, don't shoot! We're pulling our pants up now, nice and slow..."

This place gets my vote for Best Park Idea Ever: a sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. One wrecking ball is dismantling everything...wait, shouldn't there be TWO?

A sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. Talk about "the happiest place on earth."

A sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. Wait until you check out "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride."

A sex theme park in China that featured explicit exhibits of genitalia and sexual culture is being demolished before it can even open. I wonder if riders get shot out of the top of that park's version of "Space Mountain."

Finally, a woman in New Zealand was bidding on toys for her 3-year-old daughter and decided to lay down for a nap. While sleeping, her daughter bid TWELVE-THOUSAND DOLLARS on an earthmover, which is best described as a LARGE construction vehicle. Mommy woke up to an email from the seller saying she owed the money and that she was "going to love this earthmover." See also: emails I have sent to strange women.

CUE THE SINGING ZOMBIES!
-B-

A True Hot Mess

Now, you might think by the title of this blog that I'm planning to explore the controversy surrounding Miss California. But I'm not. I don't care. I've been waiting for WEEKS to see the story end...only to find out she'll be guest-spotting on Fox "News." Ah yes, if there's a media outlet (besides "Access Hollywood" and "The Insider") that just won't let an annoying story die, it's Fox.

No, who I'm referring to is Hottest Mess Tournament competitor (if you don't know what I mean, you REALLY should be reading this blog more often) Lindsay Lohan. A burglar broke into the Lohan Compound Tuesday afternoon. Police showed up and found the house ransacked, but nothing was stolen. Turns out, the mess in the home...was there BEFORE the burglar broke in. Yes, that's right...Lindsay Lohan's home is a HOT MESS. I bet the burglar got in, saw the mess and decided to bail...kinda like Samantha Ronson.

Speaking of Hottest Mess competitors, Sarah Palin is busting out a memoir. Yes, you read that right...the woman who doesn't even read a magazine or newspaper is going to do her best to string together a bunch of words and punctuation in an effort to sound like a normal human being (a little like how it works here at Thinking Hard). The book would be due out in 2010, which is the same year she's up for re-election as governor of Alaska. I hear she's calling it "Angels and Democrats."

Here's a great physical achievement...a guy from Maryland rode a bicycle 180 MILES to Pennsylvania! Holy crap! I could NOT do that. Let's see, I'm sure he was supporting some children's charity or something like that...mm-hmm...oh...*ahem* well, it appears 26-year-old William Wagner DID have children in mind when he biked to Pennsylvania...he rode there to sleep with a 15-year-old girl! He met the girl online...go figure. And if you think he's "qlaschee" (classy?) for not driving a car up there, wait until you hear where he slept at night...a baseball field. Apparently he was doing a little practicing of his own getting to first, second and third bases...before finally sliding into home.

Let's do lunch...here's a lesson for anyone working in an office. A worker in California cleaned out some REALLY old (we're talking MOLDY) food from the office refrigerator Tuesday. But the mixture of the nasty food and the cleaning chemicals created fumes noxious enough to make 28 people in the office sick! They even had to call the hazmat team! But the good samaritan who cleaned out the fridge didn't get sick. That person had allergies and couldn't smell a thing.

Ben & Jerry's is dedicating its new flavor of ice cream to the band Barenaked Ladies. They're naming it "If I Had A Million Flavors," after the band's popular hit "If I Had A Million Dollars." It's got vanilla, chocolate, almonds, peanut butter and chunks of chocolate. I hear "If I Had A Million Flavors" was the SECOND choice for the name of the ice cream...but the PR department couldn't figure out a way to market "Mmm...Is That Pot?" At least not without using Michael Phelps as a spokesman.

Speaking of barenaked, two concession workers really put the YELLOW in Yellowstone National Park this week. They were arrested for peeing into Old Faithful! They were caught on webcam urinating into the giant hole. That's not fair...I have to pay $3.95/minute to see two guys peeing into a giant hole.

In case you missed it, Will Ferrell hosted the season finale of Saturday Night Live this weekend...and starred in my favorite sketch:

I'll take "Laughing So Hard I Peed in Old Faithful" for $400, Alex.
-B-

My Mom Would Be So Proud

...it's a good thing she doesn't read Thinking Hard.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from Thinking Hard and welcome to the show! Just think: many people are waking up in bed right now and can't wait to wish their moms a Happy Mother's Day...so they're leaving the basement, going to the kitchen and thanking mom for making waffles. Then mom is asking when they're going to get a real job and move out of the house. In an unrelated note, "Star Trek" opens this weekend.

Couple of new additions to the "Friends of the Show" section. The first is a ridiculously addictive Flash game (that you can pretty much play on any computer without downloading anything) called "Sneeze." It's making a resurgence because of the swoo (if you're just tuning in, the "swoo" is the shortened name for the "swine flu," more accurately known as the "H1N1."). Here's the premise: you're a sick person, put into ten different social situations. There are children, adults and elderly people wandering around and you have to launch ONE sneeze that's going to (via a disgusting "domino effect") infect a certain percentage of the populace. Things I've learned playing this game: the elderly hang out at the library all the time and children carry so many viruses, it's a wonder they don't have a reaction at the local pharmacy similar to that of a vampire at church.

The second new "Friend of the Show" was sent in by a viewer. It's called the "F My Life" blog, where people send in random stories (some VERY funny) about why their life sucks right now. They close every posting with FML. You can vote on each post by saying their life IS fucked and they didn't deserve what happened...or "You deserved that one." Judging by how brief most of these postings are, I'm thinking of calling it "Shitter."

Two big stories out of Chicago this week (sorry...they were the most interesting): police FINALLY arrested former police officer Drew Peterson in the murder of his third wife. Now, for those of you not following his countless appearances on the Today show, Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared more than a year and a half ago. His THIRD wife was found dead, hair bloody from a head injury, in an empty bathtub in 2004. Investigators originally called it a suicide (accidental drowning)...until Peterson's FOURTH wife disappeared. Peterson and Wife #3 were about to finalize their divorce when the "accident" happened. Since Wife #4 disappeared, Peterson's been having an "engaged-again, off-again" relationship with a woman who clearly has NO IDEA WHO HE IS (and if things don't work out, I hear she's met another older man...an "Orenthal James Simpson." He sounds nice.). My FAVORITE part of the Peterson arrest is what he reportedly said while in handcuffs: "I guess I should have returned those library books." Investigators ruled that comment "accidental sarcasm."

Also out of Chicago, does anyone remember the 14-year-old boy who walked into the Chicago Police Department in January, posing as a new officer, and actually got to go ON PATROL for five hours before anyone noticed he wasn't a REAL COP? Last week, the boy, who's now 15, was arrested for a similar crime. This time, police say he dressed up in a suit and tie and went to a car dealership, asking to test-drive a car (by the way, NOT old enough to drive by himself). The salesman had to get tools from the office to jump-start the car (classy...or "qlaschee", as I prefer). When the salesman took the tools back to the office, police say the kid drove off with the car! Police tried pulling him over, but he got away...and crashed into a traffic light. Then police say he got out of the wrecked car, grabbed a stroller from a witness and started to walk away from the crash, trying to blend in with the crowd! Police finally caught him. The arresting officer was quoted as saying "Hey, you look a little like my ex-partner..."

Finally, for those of you who STILL don't have a gift for your mother, let the "Dick in a Box" boys from Saturday Night Live offer an idea:

FML...For Mom's Love.
-B-

That'll Do, Pig

It's been a busy week here at the offices of Thinking Hard. We've been scrubbing everything down, investing in surgical masks, wearing rubber gloves, scrubbing everything down AGAIN, shipping in boxes of Sam's Club-sized bottles of hand sanitizer...all because Lindsay Lohan came to visit.

What? There's a SWINE FLU to worry about too???

Honestly, unless you've been under a rock (it would have to be a very large one, like the Prudential rock...is that even still around?), you've probably heard SOMETHING about the "swine flu", aka "H1N1 flu", aka "Swoo", aka "Are you fucking kidding me?" Seriously, in eight years, I haven't seen so many television news anchors say "We are closely tracking this health emergency...but we don't want to frighten you." (of course, you can do THAT on your own) I think the last time I saw so much panic-ridden "journalism" was shortly after the 9-11 attacks, when EVERY terror threat and EVERY arrest of someone who wasn't white or black made the top of EVERY newscast. But it's funny to watch the governments of the world panic about something they don't understand.

First off, EGYPT slaughtered THOUSANDS of pigs this week because government officials were afraid of the pigs giving people the swine flu. I believe one of the heads of the World Health Organization used the term "ridiculous" when talking about the mass slaughter. Then, you have people in the U.S. AND Asia who don't want to touch any pork. Of course, health officials have come out and said "You can't catch the flu by eating pork," but all the general public hears is "OHMYFUCKINGGODYOUARE GONNADIEIFYOUCOMEINCONTACTWITHANYTYPEOFPIGKILLTHEMALL!" If the government had its way, I'm sure Winnie the Pooh's buddy, Piglet, would be taking to Guantanamo for a round of "questioning." (more on that in a moment) I applaud the World Health Organization's choice to change the name of the flu to the "H1N1" flu, since it's a hybrid of swine, bird and human strains of the flu. But I chide the media for STILL REFERRING to it as SWINE FLU. Can't we at least use "Swoo" if we're going to be inaccurate?

Twenty-two students at Slippery Rock University in Pennsylvania weren't even allowed to graduate with the rest of their class because they'd been on a trip to Mexico, the source of the "snoutbreak" (thanks, Daily Show). But don't worry...a VIDEOTAPE of their graduation was to be shown at one of the other graduation ceremonies. I realize the school's concern about not infecting the thousands of other people at the other ceremonies, but GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! The Centers for Disease Control reports about 36,000 people in the U.S. ALONE die a year...from the ACTUAL flu. Not this SWINE bullshit. The SWINE flu has killed about 160 people in Mexico, a country with a failing health care system. ONE infant died in the U.S....and the child was FROM MEXICO. Now, please do NOT let me sound like I'm ragging on Mexico. It could have just as easily been France or Indonesia or Idontgiveadamn-istan. Just Mexico's bad luck. But now everyone's freaking out in the U.S. for something that isn't even as deadly as a YEARLY threat!

One more note on this, then I'm hopping off my soapbox (onto another soapbox)...here's how you know the flu scare has gotten WAY outta control: two passengers on an AirTran flight this week from Mexico to Baltimore complained of feeling dizzy and nauseous. The crew freaked out, so the plane landed at Baltimore and everyone on board had to stay in the plane for about an hour. Turns out, the two guys were just DRUNK! Wow, if only they made an innoculation for "stupid."

In other news, a 35-year-old guy and his brother in Alaska (go figure) got into a little legal trouble. The brother got into a fight Monday night and was charged with criminal trespass. Police showed up and arrested him. Then, the 35-year-old asked police if he could talk to his brother in the back of the patrol car. After 5 minutes, he asked the officer if he could be arrested too to join his brother in jail. The officer declined...UNTIL the man shoved him with his fist. He pleaded guilty in court Wednesday and was sentenced to a month in jail...but the judge suspended his sentence, so he STILL won't go behind bars. Man, what do you have to do in Alaska to be put in jail? Run for governor??

Back to my Guantanamo discussion, Fox "News" and MSNBC are taking shots at each other. Fox's Sean Hannity said on his show last week that he doesn't think waterboarding is torture and would be willing to be waterboarded for charity. So, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann jumped all over this. He's offering $1,000 to the families of U.S. troops for every second Hannity can tolerate the "interrogation technique." Olbermann believes it's torture, ineffective and shouldn't have been done by Americans. Olbermann also said he'd double the amount if Hannity acknowledged he feared for his life and admitted waterboarding is torture. No response yet from Hannity. Hey, all in the name of charity, right? Times ARE tough...

Finally, speaking of Republicans vs. Democrats, a MAJOR Republican in the Senate jumped ship this week to the Democrats. Arlen Specter announced the party switch this week standing alongside President Obama and Vice President "I'm not going into ANY confined space during the swine flu scare" Biden. Here's The Daily Show's take...proving news can be funny AND informative...even Rick Sanchez:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Changeling
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So grab your nearest pig anus and "bulldoze" ahead, friends.
-B-