How To Be A Homewrecker In 3 Easy Steps

1. Sleep with a married man
2. Have a baby by him (and be a millionaire)
3. Have unnecessarily provocative pictures taken of yourself during an interview with a popular magazine. Bonus points if you appear to be strung out.

Hey, welcome to the road to the Elite Eight in Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament. Before we get there, today's a big vote on Capitol Hill. Many pundits are calling it the "make or break" day for President Obama's health care (it's TWO SEPARATE WORDS!) overhaul. We'll follow the latest developments here at the Thinking Hard NewsCenter. Surely it can't be any more difficult than it was to fix the economy:

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Maybe I'll form Thinking Hard United Generalities...THUG, for short.

Hey, what would YOU do to win millions on a reality show? Eat bugs? Bungee jump from death-defying heights? Lose 500 pounds? Pfft, that's NOTHING. How about trying to KILL someone???



"Um, yes, hello...ABC? Yes, I have a great idea for the elimination rounds of this season's Dancing with the *ahem* Stars..."

Speaking of, let's get this shit ON! Welcome to the first-round action of the Hottest Mess Tournament. Let's start in the Baby-Makers bracket...

Kate Gosselin vs. Bristol Palin

So, K8 starts her Dancing with the "Stars" career this week...along with hairstyle number three (which falls somewhere between the crazy cut she had to begin with...and the hair extensions she wore for a couple of weeks). I expected her to be nuts, but the blog over at E! Online quotes a staffer at DWTS as saying Kate's actually a great mom to her kids while she's rehearsing. Honestly, I think divorce has really helped her image. During "Jon & Kate," she seemed like the henpecking wife who just treated Jon like he was child number 9. But now that Jon's free of all that, he's shown himself to be a total assclown...and Kate's moved a little more toward the "classy" direction. I STILL don't think she thought the whole "have 8 kids and my own TV show" thing through, but she's improving. Bristol Palin also has an ABC deal worked out...she's going to guest star on ABC Family's "hit" show, The Secret Life of the American Teenager." Also, it came out this week that she's going to hit up professional baby-daddy Levi Johnston for some of that mad Playgirl mone...I mean, "child support." Bristol claims she won't have sex again until she's married...riiiiight. She shows a serious lack of forward-thinking...maybe we'll see her on Dancing with the "Stars."

Winner: Bristol Palin

Sarah Palin vs. Rielle Hunter

If you've been reading this blog, you KNOW how I feel about Sarah Palin. She's a beauty queen who seemed to think she could run a state, so she picked one more populated by moose than people...and she shot the moose. Then she thought she could help run the country. Too bad she didn't read Wildlife Hunter Quarterly to see that the moose population is down across the rest of the U.S. Now, she's trying to get her political fix by contributing to Fox "News." Yes, she's an idiot. Yes, I think she disproves the theory of "survival of the fittest." But...



HOW CAN YOU TOP THAT??? Yeah, Rielle Hunter did a photo shoot and interview about her affair with John Edwards. In it, she said they did the nasty in a hotel room the first night they met. Seriously, she-John-Elizabeth have the GROSSEST love triangle I have ever seen! But Rielle came out and claimed she didn't know the pictures in GQ were gonna be that risque. She said she thought they were just going to use headshots. REALLY?! So you USUALLY greet guests in just a shirt and panties? (well, I guess you might) Even that pink cat pillow thinks you're inappropriate! Look at the way it's looking at you! I'm a little disturbed by Dora's presence in there. "Okay, Boots, Map said we have to go through the BUSH...into the CAVE...and we'll find the TREASURE. Can YOU say it with me? BUSH...CAVE...TREASURE!" Go, Diego, go.

Winner: Rielle Hunter

Over in the They're Clearly Drunk bracket...

Snooki vs. "White Kanye" Elinor Burkett

Okay, this is really kind of a blowout (something I'm SURE Snooki's familiar with). While Elinor shouldn't have jumped up to interrupt a guy's Oscar speech, Snooki's got a little more going for her. It's come out that Snooki hosted a party with alcohol when she was 16 (illegal) and sold that alcohol to many of the underage party-goers (also illegal). One of those party-goers, an 18-year-old boy, ended up dying in a drunk-driving crash after the party. Snooki did some community service and was cleared (I checked...Jersey Shore is NOT part of that community service). Yeah, she's classy...for a Chee-To with hair.

Winner: Snooki

Mariah Carey vs. "First Tiger Mistress" Rachel "Don't Call Me Ucky" Uchitel

Mariah Carey never stops showing up in public drunk. She was PLASTERED when she accepted an award for her role in the hit movie "Precious." That makes her an easy pick for this round. But wait! Rachel Uchitel recently used her infamy to get a job as a special correspondent at the TV tabloid show, Extra (as in "If you want me to talk to you afterward, it'll cost you EXTRA"). Now she's suing a Vegas entertainer for his comments on his Facebook page, calling her "slut," "whore" and "hooker." She thinks she's THAT classy? Well, for her, this match-up will be a come from behind victory...which is exactly how she likes it.

Winner: Rachel Uchitel

With Lindsay Lohan getting a "bye" (of COURSE Lindsay Lohan's used to a "bi"...sometimes two or three at a time) in the Fan Fave bracket, all we have left is the Sexy Beasts bracket.

Heidi Montag vs. "Sex Robot" Roxxxy

Well, they're both made 100% of plastic...and the only reason they both exist is sex...*flips a coin*

Winner: Heidi Montag

Carrie Prejean vs. Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert was recently in London...and hanging with Lindsay Lohan's ex, Samantha "Are You SURE That's Not A Dude?" Ronson and her brother (good luck trying to figure out which one is which). Meanwhile, former Miss USA contestant Carrie "I CAN'T Be A Homophobe If I Don't Know What It Means" Prejean is getting a little pep talk from the co-director of the pageant. Shanna Moakler says she hopes Prejean and her LIVE-IN fiance have gay children. Funny as that is, the chick who's all "The Bible says homosexuality is bad" is LIVIN' IN SIN.

Winner: Carrie Prejean

So, the final match-ups look like this: Bristol Palin vs. Rielle Hunter, Rachel Uchitel vs. Snooki, Carrie Prejean vs. Heidi Montag...and Lindsay Lohan will continue playing with herself.

And now, here it is...your moment of zen:

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-B-

Selection Sunday (Or I'm About To Waste 20 Minutes Of Your Time)

Welcome back to Thinking Hard. Before we get started today, I want to take a moment to remember actor Corey Haim, who died this week of unknown causes (read: drugs). We will always remember his laundry list of Hollywood achievements, like "The Lost Boys," "License to Drive," "Lucas,"...uh...yeah, I'm surprised anyone really noticed he was gone (besides Corey Feldman...apparently, the magnetic personality of a Corey is magnified infinitely when there are at least two of them in one particular place). Anyway, happy trails, Corey Haim.

Also, does anyone want to run for public office in New York? Apparently you have to be terrible at your job and/or have an insatiable appetite for sex.

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Apparently, Massa also admitted to "snorkeling," which is kinda like waterboarding, but you have your mouth around a guy's dick.



Now THAT guy's a hot mess...but not hot enough to qualify for the Thinking Hard Hottest Mess Tournament 2010! First, a couple of Honorable Mentions that didn't quite make it into this year's tourney (better luck next year)...

Katy Perry. Okay, not so much Katy Perry HERSELF (though I question her choice in men if she's marrying Russell Brand...that dude looks like a homeless surfer), but moreso the creators of the new SMURFS MOVIE who want her to voice Smurfette! It's going to be a live action/animated movie (because that went SO well for the TWO, yes TWO, Garfield movies). Seriously, Hollywood? Stop. Just stop. Bad Hollywood. Bad.

Also, the woman in California who apparently thinks she'll be in a new combination of "The Sopranos" and "Entourage." Yes, this classy lady went to see the new movie "Shutter Island," but couldn't stop talking on her cell phone during the movie. So another moviegoer asked her to hang up her phone so he could enjoy the movie. Her response? She left with two men... and those men came back with a MEAT THERMOMETER, and STABBED THE MAN IN THE NECK WITH IT! You've got to be fucking KIDDING me! They should already know he's measuring out at about 98.6 degrees...

Okay, time now for the nitty-gritty. It's all on the line at this year's tournament, and here are the selections for the "Baby Makers" bracket:

Kate Gosselin, getting ready to star in her new series "Kate plus 8 plus a pair of dance shows and maybe some hair extensions," will do a little early PR for the show by competing in this year's tournament. And her opening round opponent is...Bristol Palin!

Sarah Palin will also be in this year's "Baby Makers" bracket (I thought "Complete Waste of DNA and Oxygen" was far too BROAD for a bracket). In the opening round, she'll square off against...John Edwards' baby-momma Rielle Hunter!

The winner of "Baby Makers" will take on the winner of the "They're Clearly Drunk" bracket in the semifinals of this year's tournament. Among those fighting for her spot in the semis is...Snooki, from MTV's Jersey Shore! Here's Jon Stewart to introduce Snooki's opening round opponent:

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Yes, Snooki will take on last-minute entry Elinor Burkett...or, as I like to refer to her, White Kanye. On the other half of that bracket, we have...Mariah Carey! She'll try to show more skin than her competitor, the first Tiger Woods mistress, Rachel "Don't Call Me 'Ucky'" Uchitel.

We'll get to the other half of the tournament in a moment, but first, a word from our tournament sponsor:



Now, back to the action. Let's start with the "Fan Faves" bracket. Remember, this bracket is full of competitors submitted BY YOU, the dear, wonderful readers of Thinking Hard. And let's check that suggestion box...er...huh...only ONE ENTRY??? Well, then, a special Thinking Hard "Think-you" to Intern Holly for helping a guy out...and the automatic winner of the "Fan Faves" bracket is...LINDSAY LOHAN! (hey, maybe next year you'll actually SUBMIT some ideas)

The lovely and talented poster child for cocaine and meth use will take on the winner of the "Sexy Beasts" bracket. First in this year...Heidi Montag! She'll square off against...Roxxxy...the talking sex robot! Think that's weird? Wait until you see the other match-up. Former Miss Aligned Carrie Prejean will face off against...ADAM LAMBERT! Man, that chick is SO far out of my league...wait, WHAT?...that's a DUDE???...next thing you're gonna tell me is the middle Hanson kid is a guy...WHAT???...well, fuck it, he's in the tournament. You think that's disgusting? Check THIS:



So, the brackets are set...here's the tournament. Feel free to print it out and play along:



Happy March Madness!
-B-

They TOTALLY Stole My Gimmick!

The newest cast of "Dancing with the Stars" was released this week. It features Kate Gosselin, Shannen Doherty and ESPN reporter (and soon-to-be adult film star) Erin Andrews. What...the...hell?? ABC just ripped off Thinking Hard's Hottest Mess Tournament line-up! That's it! I'm suing for copyright infringement! Next thing you know, they'll be trying to set up Nadya Suleman for the cast. Also, 80-year-old astronaut Buzz Aldrin is set to join the cast...if he can make it to the first episode without shattering both of his hips. Now THAT'S one small step for mankind...setting foot on "Dancing with the Stars" is a step BACKWARD for evolution.

Speaking of things that conservative religious fanatics don't believe in... Intern Jessica nearly slapped me across the face with this story this week (it was almost a mollywhopping...look it up). A college atheist group in Texas set up a trade-in program this week where people traded in their bibles and other assorted religious books...for porn. Yes, the "Smut for Smut" campaign is born. No, I didn't make that up. And I have to argue with the atheist group for a moment...you're probably getting more smut than you're leaving...a sort of "more bang for your buck," if you prefer. After all, there's WAY more anal sex in that porn than in the bible. Apparently anal sex is against the law in the bible. At least that's what Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson tell me...and if there are two guys out there who know their anal sex, it's those guys.

While we're on the topic of visions of sex that gross us out, a new Paris Hilton ad is being banned in Brazil. Yes, THAT Brazil thinks a Paris Hilton ad is TOO HOT (must be that burning sensation most people get from coming in contact with her). The commercial shows her standing in front of a window, wearing a black dress, and rubbing a can of beer all over her body. The shots cut away so you don't see exactly WHERE she puts that can, but hey, I think we can all guess where little Paris "Six-Pack" Hilton is stuffing it (and I'm not talking about a six-pack of beer). Ms. Hilton is being accused of alcohol abuse.

That charge against Hilton is a shame. She could've been up for the role of Ginger in the new "Gilligan's Island" movie remake. Yes, some a-hole in Hollywood decided it would be a good idea to remake the 1960s TV show into a movie. Well, I guess the directors will have to go with their SECOND choice for Ginger...Johnny Weir.

Also, in the category of "Things in Hollywood That Make Me Say 'WTF?'"(for $200, Alex), former American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee is taking a moment out of her illustrious recording career (and her confusion about what color hair she should have) to STAR in a NEW SITCOM on NBC! Apparently she put on her resume "Acted like I wasn't just in it for the money when I dated a music industry professional who was about 20 years older than me." Next up, a sitcom for Sarah Palin.

Man, the idea of Katharine McPhee in a sitcom is making me naseous. I hope Congress is close to passing that new health care plan:

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Y'know, let's follow up with Bunning to see why he acted like such an a-hole:

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You should see that guy in line at Starbucks.

Join us next week for our special Hottest Mess Selection Sunday coverage!
-B-

Rewarding Ineptitude

We're staying ahead on breaking news here at Thinking Hard today: an 8.8 magnitude earthquake and massive aftershocks have hit Santiago, Chile. The devastation is very reminiscent of the quake in Haiti. In fact, I'm waiting patiently for Pat Robertson to come out and say the quake is God's judgment on Chile "for making those peppers too hot."

Hey, anybody watching the Winter Olympics? Yeah, me neither. I'm joking. I've been watching all the sporting events and it seems like there are a LOT of injuries in this year's games. No sport is safe. You should see the guy who took a curling stone in the crotch the other day. And yet, curling is STILL more sane than the idiots who do the "skeleton," which is basic the luge, but headfirst. Or, as I like to refer to it, the equivalent of saying "Sure, Ms. Suleman, I think you SHOULD go ahead and have another baby if you feel like it." Seriously, I can imagine the informational meeting for people unfamiliar with the Skeleton:

Coach: It's as exciting as the luge...
Crowd: (Cheers)
Coach: but you go down HEADFIRST! Isn't that a great event???
Player: Um, coach, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if I may make a quick point...fuck you.

Y'know, I went into a japanese steakhouse the other day and ordered up my hibachi meal, and as the chef juggled eggs into his unnecessarily large chef's hat and made really stupid jokes with punchlines like "Egg Drop Soup!" (is he TRYING to be funny? Thanks, Melissa), it occured to me there wasn't any excitement in the hibachi enterprise any more. Sure, when I first went to a japanese steakhouse, I REALLY thought I was going to get gouged in any number of extremities if the chef's hands slipped. But I was 4. Now I'm...older. There's no excitement any more...at least until now:



Yes! FINALLY! The robots that will soon take over the world are FINALLY being armed! Mind you, it STARTS with a spatula, but they're lulling us into a false sense of security...

Hey, think THAT'S nuts? How about getting jewels pasted around your vagina? Have your attention? Intern Kelsay trekked her way through blizzard-like conditions and several feet of snow to get this little gem into the Thinking Hard offices this week (for her effort, we gave her a cookie). Apparently, actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has popularized the trend called "Vajazzling," a play on the "popular" as-seen-on-TV product, the Bedazzler. You've probably seen them in the home of women who believe themselves to be crafty, and thinking spelling "Sex Machine" in jewels on a denim jacket will get her a spot at this year's arts and crafts show. ("Sure, I'd LOVE to pay $120 for that jacket!") Anyway, a blogger went to get the deed done AND TOOK A CAMERA CREW (so, OBVIOUSLY, I'm starting to pay attention...). But while I love a good near-vaginal picture as much as the next guy, this REALLY frightens me. I'm not posting pictures here at Thinking Hard because we have SOME sense of taste...and NO lawyers to defend us in court. So you'll find the blog here. Some might consider a couple of these pictures NSFW...but I can't make much out past the waistline, so I think you're okay. The big question is...would YOU be willing to drop fifty bucks for a "disco ball around your crotch"?

Speaking of having random money around to blow, I'd like to take a serious moment. What would you do with an extra ten bucks a day? Extra coffee for the office? Lady Gaga CD? This week, Thinking Hard welcomes a new Friend of the Show: the Year of Giving blog. It's done by a guy in Washington, DC, for all of 2010. He's taking ten bucks each day and giving it to some random person, then talking to them about who they are and what they plan to do with the money. As you can imagine, some of the recipients are homeless...and a little...um...off. Others are people who have jobs and homes and they're just people this guy finds around the city. This guy seems to come off as a little weird himself (this weekend, there's an entry about two women at a coffee shop who accept the money, say they'll give it as a tip, then after a few minutes, they step outside to take a phone call...and don't return. AND they leave him to pay the tab. Sure, they could be total bitches...but he might also have come off like a stalker), but his interest is helping people is great. He's even set up a tab on the blog for others to help people with specific needs. I think it's nice...and I don't think ANYTHING's nice. A couple of entries will make you thankful for what you have.

Okay, back to the comedy. This week, President Obama hosted a televised summit with democrats and republicans to figure out what to do about this whole "change-y, health care-y thing in Washington" (hate you, Palin). This starts off a little slow, but really pays off in the second half:

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Bipartisan Health Care Reform Summit 2010
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(it's funny.. a little later, Obama CALLED OUT Rep. Cantor for his obvious display of the many pages of the health care plan for the cameras. Ree-diculous.) And John McCain is still a little off. He came ready for a fight at the summit...watch how Obama responded:

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Let's hear it for bipartisanship. Democrats aren't pushing through the legislation only THEY want...and Republicans are LETTING them be bipartisan. Doesn't mean they have to go along with it too.

Hey, I'm late for my "Scro-tazzling" appointment, but before I go, March is just hours away...which makes March Madness just DAYS away. If you're a loyal follower of TH, you know what that means. If you're not, you're in for a treat. It's time for the Third Annual Thinking Hard Hottest Mess Tournament (seriously, go back to last March and see how the bracketing works). This year, we have a SPECIAL change to the tournament...a FAN FAVORITE bracket! Thinking Hard will use four "hot messes" submitted by YOU in the comment section to compete in the tournament. Keep in mind, some of the brackets are already partially filled, so if you submit someone who's already in the tournament, they will go to their respective brackets and NOT the Fan Favorite bracket. But, hey, go nuts! The editors of Thinking Hard will choose the four best options and slam them into the line-up. Also, Thinking Hard would like to extend a SPECIAL invitation to Meghan McCain, to join the editors in the skybox during the tournament. It'll be fun! Also, a special invitation to Nadya Suleman. Nadya, we not only want you IN the tournament, but we have something SPECIAL planned for you...

-B-

I Have A Lot To Atone For...Or "For Which To Atone"...Stupid Prepositions

Hey, anybody catch that 15-minute Tiger Woods apology Friday? Initially, I joked he was going to say the following...

"Thank you all for coming. I have a prepared statement and will not take any questions. Here is the statement I have prepared: Get off my lawn. Thank you."

But his version came out more like a drawn-out "I fucked up." In fact, it is probably the most heartwrenching "mea culpa" I have EVER seen a public figure deliver. He took 100% of the blame, made clear verbal boundaries about the things the press would NEVER hear about (unless they quoted the National Enquirer...go get that Pulitzer!...or not), and even cleared up the fact that his wife, Elin, NEVER hit him, including that morning after Thanksgiving. All in all, he was more willing to come out and say "I was wrong" than any politician's speech. Mark Sanford, you could learn a lot from this guy. He didn't say he went out and boned 20 different "soul mates"...he DID say he was drunk with power and popularity and that became his hubris (look it up..it's a fun word). He even apologized to the parents of the children who look up to him. Tiger, I'm not a big fan...in fact, this whole ordeal has cemented my opinion that you're a douchebag. But it takes a big man to admit his shortcomings on national television. Maybe I WON'T send you to Tool Academy.

Incidentally, there was an interview later with one of his mistresses. She was upset that Tiger apologized to Elin and not any of the other women he slept with. REALLY?! Maybe they feel like they got the short end of the stick.

Hey, guess what England doesn't have a lot of? Catholics. That is the ONLY assumption I can make after seeing this british news coverage of a Joe Biden news conference on Ash Wednesday:



Speaking of funny things done by people across the Atlantic, a couple of guys were captured by the Google street-level cameras, just chilling out in front of a house in scuba gear in Norway. Apparently they don't take too kindly to people taking their pictures...because they RAN after the Google camera! I can't directly link you there because Norway's Google maps don't show up well...or at all...here in the States, but let me post the pictures showing the (albeit, BRIEF) chase:





(Y'know, for a couple of idiots dressed in scuba gear sitting at the end of their driveway...they look PISSED.)

One more thing I love about our friends in Europe...their sexual openness. And while it does create more opportunities for the spread of diseases, they're pretty open about that too. Check out this game put out by London health officials to teach you more about the dangers of disease. You can play as any one of four characters...Wonder Vag is my favorite...to take on the Sperminator, who has (I swear I'm not making this up) penises for arms and attacks you with angry looking sperm that make a "splotch" sound effect when they connect. Obviously, this is NOT safe for work computers. I think my favorite response from one of the heroes who got hit with a sperm was "Yuck! Right in the face!"

Speaking of yuck, I'm adding a Friend of the Show today. There's a woman who works in a school lunchroom somewhere in the United States who has decided to eat the school lunch her school serves every school day of 2010. She's taking (rather unappetizing) pictures and she's doing it to prove a point that school lunches need a VAST overhaul in terms of nutrition. She's posting anonymously because she's afraid she'll be fired. But it's a fascinating blog with a good purpose called "Fed Up" and I recommend checking it out.

Okay, I have to address something now. You might have seen this already. Former Alaska governor and current waste of oxygen Sarah Palin has had it up to HERE with popular animated sitcom Family Guy. Last Sunday night, the show aired an episode that centered around teenage son Chris falling for a girl with Down Syndrome. Palin's upset because her son, Trig (again, WHY?), has Down Syndrome and has been going on a rant all week on the only network who pays her to spout off random crap, Fox News Channel. To her credit, she made the point that Trig has a tough road ahead of him (though, to be fair, you could've made it easier by giving him a different name). On the other hand, I don't think she really watched the episode at all...just the clip where the girl with Down Syndrome says her mother is the former governor of Alaska. Taking it a little personally, aren't you, Sarah? First of all, the episode centered around Chris trying to be an ABSOLUTE GENTLEMAN when courting the girl. He even dressed in a SUIT...which he NEVER does. And when he finally does break it off with her, it's not because she has Down Syndrome. It's because SHE'S A BITCH! And Chris says it best: she's just like every other girl! Which is essentially the message I hear from every Down Syndrome advocate...they're just like everyone else and want to be treated like everyone else. In fact, they HIRED an actress with DOWN SYNDROME, Andrea Friedman, to be the voice actor for the girl. They could have just as easily had Alex Borstein do her best imitation of a girl afflicted with Down Syndrome, but no, they gave an actress with Down Syndrome a payday. Sarah, you're just pissed off because you were the butt of ONE JOKE on the show. You got off easy. I tell you what...let's look at the other groups of people who were made fun of on last week's episode ALONE: italians, scandinavians, psychics, people who pay money to psychics, turtles, snails, Meg, people who don't know jack about poetry, blacks, dogs who like dominatrices...and Mr. Spock from Star Trek. Will you also waste valuable television time sticking up for THOSE people? Yeah, I didn't think so. Whatever you're being paid by Fox News...you're being paid too much.

Finally, check this out...a japanese wireless company has developed headphones that can be controlled by your EYES. You look right to left to pause the music. You look right and right again to skip to the next track. Roll the eyes clockwise and the volume goes up. Stare straight ahead all day and don't blink and you'll hear the voice of former UNC basketball player Tyler Hansbrough (BLINK, DAMMIT!). Sadly, blind people will only be stuck on mute.

(Thaaaat's right...end it on a blind joke. Classy. What do you want from me? My mom is the former governor of Alaska.)

-B-

A New Position For A Tiger Woods Mistress

Rachel Uchitel has a new position...she's now a special correspondent for the entertabloid show, "Extra." (What were YOU thinking about her new position??? Dirty.) Yes, it's nice to see a woman prove in the headlines she's an idiot, try to make money off the story and actually be taken seriously by a mainstream television program...isn't that right, Mrs. Palin?

Speaking of sex scandals, you've seen the Taiwan TV animated version of the Tiger Woods scandal...and the late-night talk show wars. Now, check out what they did to John Edwards:


My favorite part is the foot in the ass.)

Also, speaking of sex lives I don't really need to know about...John Mayer's an ass. And he's gonna help sell a shitload of copies of the March issue of Playboy. He did an interview with the magazine and called Jessica Simpson "sexual napalm" and said her sexual abilities were "like a drug...like crack cocaine" for him. He had less kind things to say about ex-girlfriend Jennifer Aniston. He called her a technophobe and said she wishes she was back in the peak of her career in 1998. He also managed to sneak the N-word in. Yup. Ladies, he's available! (but only for, like, the next 20 minutes...he can't be held down. He's going places. Like the back of his bus.)

While we're on the subject of the written word, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln will now be the subject of a book by Bill O'Reilly. Spoiler alert: a liberal killed him.

Toyota's upset with ABC because of the news department's investigation into the sticking accelerator pedals...so the carmaker pulled ads from ABC affiliates. Ah, yes, a classic case of "I'm not playing with you anymore...I'm taking my deathtrap on four wheels and I'm going home." Next Toyota spokesman? The popular Transformer named "Blur."

If you watched MTV at all this week, you might have noticed a small change. The network has officially (and FINALLY) dropped the words "Music Television" from its logo. That makes sense, since it's really only been reality shows since the 90s. Now they can officially change the name of the network to "Meh TV."

Hey, in case you didn't hear, it snowed here on the east coast. It snowed a WHOLE FUCKING LOT. Take a look at what hit Baltimore over the course of a little more than a day...set to music:



Maybe it's a big enough deal to be covered like THIS from WPIX in New York:



STOP SHOUTING AT ME! To the station's credit, I'm sure there are SOME police captains on the scene of whatever that is...but I highly doubt they are ALL CAPS.

One last piece of business...it's Valentine's Day. If you're looking for that VERY last-minute gift for your sweetheart, why not head over to RunningwithScissors.com, where you can spend ten bucks on THE toy of 2010:



Every doll comes with a year's supply of the popular antacid, Scro-Tums.

No?
-B-

"Dat" Ain't A Real Word

Happy Super Bowl Sunday, dear readers, and welcome to Thinking Hard. You know my favorite part of the Super Bowl? Drinking. My second favorite part? The commercials. The actual game itself ranks down around 32nd on my list. Anyway, I thought it'd be interesting to show you an ad you WON'T see during the big game. Yes, this is a legitimate ad for a legitimate website that was legitimately turned down by CBS:



Okay, sure, it would create an awkward moment in the room full of sweaty, testosterated (2010 Word of the Year, bitches) fellas...but it IS kinda funny. But I understand CBS's Standards and Practices. You don't want to hit on an awkward topic in the middle of a Super Bowl. I mean, you're not going to see an anti-abortion ad starring Tim Tebow or anything like that...wait, they ARE??? Oh, man, this is BULLSH*T!

Let's hit some news, shall we? I'd like to speak in a live interview with a banking exec in Britain to see if the UK's economy is any better off than those of us here in the States...but I don't think I'll be talking to THIS guy, Martin Lakos:



If it's any consolation, the model in question is asking that the guy in the background be allowed to keep his job...presumably so he'll have less time to stalk her.

You know, that's what I love about live interviews...you never know what's going to happen. Take this interview on Chicago's WGN with Mel Gibson about his new movie, "Edge of Darkness" (SURELY to be up for an Oscar next year). Y'know, Mel's been out of the film industry for a few years, though I can't quite remember why...:



Ahhh, THAT'S why. To his credit, at least Mel didn't go off on the guy for insulting his religious beliefs. Apparently it was still too early for Mel to be drunk.

Y'know, let's take a moment to remember that being in the news industry is hard work. It takes a lot of effort to get out there and put together a story in 6 hours. For those of you at home seeking a career in news, but don't quite know how to jump from market 210 to market 25, here's a pointer:



Another pointer...show up to work more than 15 minutes before the show starts. Also, don't forget to be fair and balanced. Like the fine journalists at Fox News. Take President Obama's appearance before the GOP for example:

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Now, in an effort to be "fair and balanced," let's give Fox a chance to respond...with Jon Stewart appearing on Bill O'Reilly:



Wait, did O'Reilly say Fox is the MOST TRUSTED??? Are you fucking kidding me??? Thanks, America. You're the same folks who think Jay Leno is right and Conan is wrong...at least we can all agree Jimmy Kimmel is caught somewhere in the middle:



I dream of a simple time...when gay-dating ads can be shown during the Super Bowl alongside anti-abortion ads and those late-night commercials with the pretty girls I can never talk to, no matter how many times I dial 1-800-HOOK-UPS to talk to the hottest local singles in my area. I dream of a happier time when Conan can keep his spot on late night TV...until Oprah becomes the next host of the Tonight Show. I dream of a day when I can use a preposition to end a sentence to describe what I'm talking about. And I dream of Metal Violin Guitar Hero:



Also, I dream of a Playstation 7. I wonder what THAT will be like...

-B-